30 and wondering who I am?

[tom2098]

I'm 30 years old and have been single most of my life. I have had several times throughout my life. I honestly don't know what to consider myself. But I am starting to wonder that I might not be gay. I don't really but into to the notion that people are born a certain way and I never will mainly because environmental conditions and factors play a large role in a persons life.

I've always been confused about who I am mainly because I've had very low self-esteem whenever it came to dating women. I never really dated women, primarily because I was afraid of rejection. I found my sexual release through girl and then afterwards a few guys I met online over the years and through internet porn. Guys were always easy to meet.

Straight porn eventually became boring to me so I moved onto bi-sexual porn and gay porn... which sadly has also become an addiction that I finally broke. Porn creates un-realistic expectations that leaves one searching out even more better content. I don't consider it healthy. Sure gay porn gets me off faster than straight porn, but straight porn is so unrealistic because I never see real passion in it.

I never really took any interest in the gay life style... in fact the vast vast majority if not every gay guy I met has absolutely nothing in common with me. It was until I turned 28 that I dropped my weight and became insanely fit and in shape. Just recently I have started having ridiculously hot women expressing interest in me. It is so confusing because now I'm having strong straight sexual urges towards two of them. I'm supposed to go on a date with one later this week. I'm actually talking to 3 women right now. I still have a lot of anxiety though because part of me wants to try to date a few, but my self-esteem falls apart because I've had sex with guys in the past. I'm a great looking guy now but I've been single my entire life. No one knows about my sexuality swinging around. And I don't understand why I'm all of the sudden having sexual urges for women.

The two gays friend I do have can't relate because they always thought about guys their entire lives. Me on the other hand... I thought about women when I learned to jerk off when I was 12. It wasn't until high school, which FYI was an all male high school, that I developed extreme low self-esteem because there were no chicks to date anywhere. I've struggled with this my entire life now because I was in an environment where I was never around women until I went to college when I was 20.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Welcome to the site.

So you like sex, will basically do it with anyone. Fine, Fine...

Now who do you picture yourself growing old and living together with?

Sharing a life, perhaps buying a home, definitely cuddling with at night?

That is usually a better indicator of sexuality, which isn't all about just sex.


Oh people are born gay, environment and those other things will determine how you express yourself as a person: gay, bi, straight whatever.

[tom2098]

Welcome to the site.

So you like sex, will basically do it with anyone. Fine, Fine...

Now who do you picture yourself growing old and living together with?

Sharing a life, perhaps buying a home, definitely cuddling with at night?

That is usually a better indicator of sexuality, which isn't all about just sex.


Oh people are born gay, environment and those other things will determine how you express yourself as a person: gay, bi, straight whatever.

Hmm... I don't picture myself growing old with a guy. I can cuddle with either sex honestly... I've never pictured growing old with a guy honestly... I have always pictured the typical wife and kids?

I still don't believe the people are born gay theories at all but to each his own.

[tom2098]

like for instance.... I am really good at hip hop dancing... I never think of grinding up on guys when I dance... lol...

[arielyxd92]

So you don't feel comfortable approaching women? I hope your date goes well and your self esteem boosts up! I think you should try both genders though.

[MikeMG]

Well, it sounds like you are sorry to put it this way: Desperate. Even as a gay man, I seem to attract a lot of women. I have my gold star, so I have no interest and usually let them know that right away. But that being said, its falttering to find out anyone has a crush on you or starts fliring with you. Sometimes the ego gets so stroked you entertain ideas that you normally would not.

From your description, it sound more like you want to go back into the past and settle a score. Now that your are Hot, want to show all those women what they were missing.

You havent found someone you click with at 30? Well welcome to the club. That is what most people in the world are looking for. Why do you think sometimes the news puts on TV a wedding some some straight people who fell in love in a retirment home.

That really has nothing to do with being gay or straight.

You laid out some excuses how you became gay, rejection from women, porn etc. But that is all they are, excuses. The straight men I know in their 40s don't just switch to gay porn because they got board. Every twisted thing you see in gay porn, I assure you exists in straight porn. Remember, they are 95 percent of the porn buying population.

So what I think you are really doing is romanticizing what it would be like to be straight now that you got some attention. So go on your dates, get it out of your system. But I suspect after a while, they will not satisfy you and you will eventually drift back to gay.

As for picturing yourself with a man or a woman way down the line, I think that is a false premise. Most gay people didnt grow up with gay couples as roll models in the household. So its hard sometimes to picture something different when your who life has been programmed to get married to a woman live in a house with a white picket fence with two kids and a dog. Most of America is not like that.

[cardiganwearer]

Perhaps you should stop trying to discover who you are and just spend some time doing what you do. I'm not trying to be facetious here, I'm suggesting that what we are is very much defined by what we do.

It is very fine and noble trying to discover who we are but we must be wary of letting that notion of who we are constrain what we do. There comes a point point where that quest stops us taking up opportunities the world presents. We agonise about whether this or that fits with our notion of who we are instead of actually taking the opportunities on offer.

Validating your view of who you are by doing stuff you find inconsistent with that view is just as good as doing stuff that is consistent. Perhaps ideally we shouldn't have an idea of who we are until the day we die and we can look back and say "hmm... so that's who I was".

This only works if you subscribe to a number of underlying precepts; try not to harm others and so forth. These you have to internalise and act on or people will give you less opportunity to find out who you are.

So off you go, sleep with men, sleep with women, be careful and be kind and nobody will be asking you to sign a life-long contract to be gay, straight, bi or whatever.

Other opinions are available and may well be better than this one.

[pellaz]

Being gay is being able to maintain a same sex relationship. Discover your abilities and strong points and build your life around a husband or wife and you have to pick one or the other or none. Avoid the trap of having a wife and children and years into it feel you cant love them even though they care for your very deeply. Relationships are a lot of work best to pick where you are the strongest not what is socially acceptable.

... gay porn gets me off faster than straight porn, but straight porn is so unrealistic because I never see real passion in it...

attraction to porn (gay or straight) is no measure of anything. Porn is choreographed to sell and make money off a very wide audience.

... I don't really buy into to the notion that people are born a certain way and I never will mainly because environmental conditions and factors play a large role in a persons life...

genetic science is in its infancy, so you could say all of it is a personal belief system. Knowing noting about something is where people have the deepest convictions. Please be open minded and read the research out there.

... I never really took any interest in the gay life style... in fact the vast vast majority if not every gay guy I met has absolutely nothing in common with me. ... The two gays friend I do have can't relate because they always thought about guys their entire lives ....

gay is a sexual preference. Has nothing to do with life style. Gay men work on cars and love sports. the gay population, in a more accepting society, would have more diverse interests; if they were allowed to participate

... It was until I turned 28 that I dropped my weight and became insanely fit and in shape. Just recently I have started having ridiculously hot women expressing interest in me. It is so confusing because now I'm having strong straight sexual urges towards two of them.

Congratulations on choosing a healthier life. There is a one to one connection between the physical and mental so improve one and the other improves too. Straight or gay people will be instantly more attracted to the more confidant man that you have become.

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Tom welcome to G.S.

Although I totally disagree with you on sexual preference being a choice, I have two sons and both grew up in the same environmental with the same conditions.
One is gay the other straight , and my husband and myself love them both dearly.

Lets concentrate on you.
It is very obvious that you love sex ,who doesn't?

Tom please learn to accept yourself for who you are , it is great that you are fit now and that has worked on your appeal to others .

What was the question again?

[tom2098]

Honestly I an terrified of dating women. I have had several in the past year that have approached that were drop dead gorgeous with great personalities but I freeze up, panic and then continue staying single afraid to ask them out. So the question is what do or should I do? Just give up and be gay because I have had lot of people in the gay community tell me I should just be gay. But i am tired of others telling me what to do. What happens if it turns out that I end up in relationship with a woman? Does that make someone still gay because they were attracted at times in the past to men? The mainstream gay community would say yes because they are so insistent on grossly flawed rationale that u r born a certain way when there really is no scientific answer to the question at all. I've done my research... The mainstream has it all wrong... Frankly I don't think the question will ever be able to be answered with hard affirmative evidence. In fact I don't think there ever will be answer the question why. I don't believe I would have turned to men had I been in an environment when I was younger that would have been conducive to forming relationships with people other than just guys. Does that make sense?