Ok...first time here. Thanks in advance for any advice. So I am 41 and met this really awesome guy at our temporary job last November. We instantly connected and bonded as friends, despite the ridiculous age difference. He is 19. I had no intent on developing feelings other than our personality attraction. However over the past month I have become so crazy over him I am miserable. He says he's straight and actively persues girls, but he has told me of a big number of gay experiences he's had, and is having. He knows I'm gay. He has become very comfortable with telling me everything about himself. He is still living at home and has problems with his dad. He also has what I believe to be ADHD. and terrible anxiety...both of which I've suggested he have looked at professionally, but he refuses. A few times he has stayed over at my place because of problems at home. It was torture having him next to me in bed, but I wouldn't do anything I'm afraid might scare him off. One night he sided up next to me in bed and put his head on my shoulder...I'm sure he was not aware...either that or I'm an idiot lol. I drop hints a lot, and like I said I get mixed signals, but I'm afraid. As similar as we are we are socially different. I'm one-on-one and he is crazily. sociable. This is difficult for me as I tend ti be better with a handful of people and he is comfortable with 100! I really want to tell him my feelings but its hard. We talk nightly and see each other 4-5 times a week, but I don't know. I feel so distract and stupid over this thing. What do I do? I'be lost interest in other things...am I fixated on this? Is it obsession? Am I NUTS?!?! Whatever...well, thanks for reading this novel. Please feel free to ask/comment as the story has more details...just wanted to give overview. I am in hell l over this!
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Sounds like a tough situation, Jimmied.
Based on what you've said, do you think he views you as sort of a father figure since he has problems with his own father? He may just be looking for some fatherly affection/bonding.
It is interesting though how he says he's straight, yet is currently engaged in gay relations.
If the friendship you have with him is very important to you and you don't want to risk it, and he's continually told you he's straight anyway, I would suggest to just leave it as friends. I know that's going to be difficult, but if it's important for you to have him in your life even as a friend, that's how it's going to have to be. Maybe one day, if he truly does have feelings, it will be made clear.
Best of luck either way!
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In My Opinion- First of all, the age is not an issue unless you want it to be. When I first came out at 20, I fell in love with a 45 year old graphic artist. My second lover was 19 when I was 30, and my current partner is 20 years older than me! So...my point is that age, like race, or religion, or politics or whatever, is only an issue if it is an issue in either person's mind. Personally, I have always been as blind to age differences as I am to racial differences. There are just too many other things that can divide us, why add to the list?
Now, more directly, about this situation. If he says that he is straight...then he's probably straight. That word has different definitions for different people though. I have known "straight" men who wouldn't bat an eye about receiving oral sex from another guy. I have even known a few self-defined "straight" men who routinely had sex with men, but still "felt" like and defined themselves as being "straight".
I think the bigger issue is honesty. Like any relationship, friendship or otherwise, you have to be honest with the other person in order to get the best out of the relationship. For that reason, you need to tell him that you are attracted to him. Then let him define where the relationship goes. He may tell you that although he's flattered, he just doesn't feel that way. Or he may define what kind of relationship he is willing to have with you. Either way, no matter what his take on the situation, you will have opened up and cleared the air. After all, there is nothing wrong with stating your attraction. Who knows where that might lead?
Finally, I think that the biggest question though, is why are you putting yourself through this? If someone defines themselves as "straight" to a gay man, they are pretty much letting you know that you will never have their heart. Even if they can and will respond sexually (like the examples I listed above) there will still always be a barrier there to a true, long-lasting deep commitment to another man. So although a sexual relationship might even be possible, the real question is, "Would you be comfortable with that level of emotional detachment?" From what you have posted, I would guess that the answer is "No"!
In that case, really you are playing the self-sabotage game. A lot of people do this and actually live their lives going from one relationship to the next, building each relationship into something that it isn't. The addictive aspect of this kind of emotional roller coaster is the attraction. You get to experience the "crush" phase of new love, the "drama" phase of not meeting your expectations, and finally, the "self-pitying" phase that comes after the inevitable break-up. If this sounds like you, or your history then stop immediately and go looking for some professional therapy. Because the only way to break that kind of cycle is to get some professional help.
Oh...and none of this means you are "nuts". It just means that you are human. Good luck.
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It definitely could be the fatherly mentor thing...I do give him a lot of advice. He does seek me out for it, and to be honest it feels good to help out. One of the thinks I'm fearfulgaydar of is the honest fact that I don't kno if I could continue to be his friend if I were to tell him how I feel and he were to reject it. I'm afraid I would have to cut it off altogether because the feelings are so strong. I'm also afraid he is going through his sexual awakening period and playing the field. Maybe. I'm also pretty sure he's bisexual and maybe not knowing how to handle it at this point in the game. I feel if I were to make any move it could be confusing for him and inappropriate of me. Then again maybe he wants me to. My gaydar has always been wonky, but with him its just useless.
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Thanks Lalo . My last post was posted while u were writing yours. apologies. I see a lot of what you're talking about. Thank you.
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I used to have a roommate in my early 40's, he was only 19. He liked girls though, and although thought he was adorable, we were always just friends. His mother liked me, but would have killed me if I had been stupid enough to make a move on him!!! LOL It would have never happened, although we really had fun going out doing stuff together, we had very different interests. He thought it was funny though, because when we went out, people kept calling him my "son". I found it offensive that they were so narrow minded, they couldnt think that we were just friends, or I might have been his boss taking him out, or something like that.
When I was in high school, some new people moved in next door to us. He was 63 and she was 22, and they had 3 small kids. They were extremely sweet, smart, and happy people. They werent even insulted or mad if you asked them "why". I asked them that one day, and they said "age doesnt make a difference when you fall in love".
Ive met some guys in thier teens who are very mature. Ive met 40 and 50 year olds who act like spoiled toddlers. Age is just a number.
He is probably acting ADHD because of his home life. That kind of stress can do some weird shit to your head. I know.
He needs some stability in order to get his thoughts and feelings together. I know this also. Been there, done that.
If you live in an apartment, you might suggest getting a new place for two, if he would want to roomie with you, to get away from home.
That might be hard on you, since you feel that way about him, but you would be helping him get away from the stress at home...giving him room to figure himself out.
Ive had guys sleep over before, and I can tell you from my experiences, that moving up next to you in bed is a BIG giveaway to his feelings.
I would take him out on a nice weekend someplace and talk to him. He may be telling you everything so you will open up to him, and tell him your feelings.
I would say, as long as he is mature and could handle such a relationship (friends or boyfriends), take a chance and talk to him. If not, then next time he sleeps over and he moves up next to you.....spoon him.
You might have to "tuck" between your legs....lol....just in case he's just looking for comfort and not sex. Let him make the first move on anything sexual.
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Things that stick out in your post:
"has problems with his dad."
"A few times he has stayed over at my place because of problems at home."
"One night he sided up next to me in bed and put his head on my shoulder"
This tells me he is needful. He needs a sense of security, of safety, and may be more than willing to do a lot of things he doesn't want to in order to get those needs filled. He most likely is replacing his biological father with other men. 'Daddy issues' some call it.
He has problem with his dad, problems at home and putting his head on your shoulder is most likely far from anything sexual, but a real need for the comforts that touch brings with it.
ADHD, Anxiety, PTSD, Depression all of these makes a person more needful - needful for love and attention but not really a 'lover'. Sure he may bend over and get on his knees for you - whatever, but these sexual expressions may be his trying to appease you so he can get his needs filled.
In my 20's I dated a man in his middle 40's and I did a lot of things to appease him, but then I looked up to him for guidance, support and had that whole 'daddy surrogate' need. Not saying I didn't love him, I did. I just put myself in a slightly dangerous situation and allowed a lot of things I normally wouldn't do to take place because I needed affection, love, etc. I let the man put a needle in my arm and pretty much turn me on to slamming meth because I wanted to 'make daddy proud'.
Yes it sounds sick, and yes it was sick to a degree. I'm telling you this because I think you need to know that if this kid is straight, and has a desire to 'make daddy proud' of him and you have become the surrogate father here, he will most likely do a lot of things he doesn't want too.
His past experiences with gay sex may be his trying to appease other potential father figures. He may be dying for love affection, a shoulder to rest his head on - but isn't really interested in sex and all of those other things gays do.
Assuming he is straight and willing to have sex with you to fulfill these other needs, he is only hurting himself more. Yes, people will set themselves up for a world of hurt hoping to get what they need.
Right now you are providing him a safe place from problems at home. He may feel obligated to you and willing to 'pay rent' in ways he may not want too just to make certain he has that safe place to go to.
If you tend toward being protective and providing for the needs of 'the kid' - find, dandy. You two may make a perfect set in that. However your relationship may not be one of 'lovers' but more along the lines of 'father and son'.
I don't know if you can do that, take care of a 'son' and not have a regular lovers type relationship with him. If not, then rest assured there are plenty of other sick men out in the world who are homosexual and who are looking for a father figure who need that sort of thing. You will get the best of both worlds, a 'kid' to take care of and a lover who wants to please you and not just appease you.
I would like to think that you can give this kid what he needs, love, support, a 'father figure', a safe place to get away from home without using that as a way to get something in return. If this is the situation your taking advantage of him and 'charging' rent is the last thing he needs, in fact its going to be more harmful for him.
It would be nice to know he can get a bit of physical affection (cuddles, hugs, snuggles, and other innocent things) without having to put out in the end.
I don't know, can you do that for him?
He is 19 and may actually be gay in there, but terrified of the 'costs' and 'risks' of coming out. That is a possibility, but from what you wrote I think he may really be straight and so desperate to fill his needs that he has given up too much of himself in the past.
If you are able to fill this role and want too, perhaps you should be the one to make it clear that sex doesn't have to take place. Make it clear that you will 'provide' some of his 'needs' but not all of them. Draw a clear line in the sand and make it safer for him under the assumption he is straight.
Still let him have a place of safety to go to, but with the understanding that if rent is charged it will be in the form of cold hard cash.
If he is in need, then providing him a safe place and safe arms may go a long way at helping him bridge the gap between 'lost boy' to 'Independent man'.
Understand that if his case is as I outlined above, there are too many men in the world who would take advantage of him and hurt him deeper and more.
Again, there are gay men in the world - out and about gay men, who have similar needs. Thus if your 'paternal instinct' is that strong and you need that in a lover, you can find that in the arms of a gay man and don't need to 'use' this straight kid.
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you should not be falling for this boy.
Any number of good reasons
Sorry.
Be his friend, sounds like he needs one, not more issues
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A daddy complex is not a role I would be comfortable playing. He isn't always staying over at my place, and believe me I am in no financial situation to take care of a 'kid' lol. When we do hang out or eat or whatever its usually dutch. Occasionally we'll spot one another. I am not looking to 'use' this person in any way emotionally, psychologically or sexually. This is why I feel trapped in which direction to go. In approach to Lalo's response, I think the best thing (and I have thought about it believe me) is to just tell him and the answer will present itself, and then take it from there. I feel I know the answer. I'm just thrown over how much I am consumed by this. Thiank u all again for th valuable advice.
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