Suicide

[Anonymous]

Hello there. I'm not sure why I'm making this thread but if I had to guess I'd say in order to get it out of my system. It's not exactly a subject you talk about a lot, nor something I want friends/parents/teachers or whatever to know about.

The thing is, lately the thought of suicide has been coming off as a lot more "real" than ever before. I'm not saying I'm going to do it (I'd still have to get over the entire selfishness of the act) but I've been thinking about it a lot lately, even planned out various scenarios.

I'm a teenager and I live in a place I've despised for the past 7 years. The reasons for my suicidal thoughts are many, but cause loads of guilt because in all honesty, lots of people have it worse and still find the strength to go on. I don't know why exactly I feel so bad or why I want to leave the world, but I guess some of the factors are my broken family, my sexuality and the fact that I'm very different from everyone else. I know the last thing is something every teenager ever has said, but I mean it. I'm nice to people which causes them to like me but something stops me from ever getting too close to someone. When I was younger, three people found out about my sexuality and bullied me mercilessly which seems to have messed up my personality completely. I always refuse to open up to anyone and I know that if I did at this point my friends would just be startled. In short, I'm pretty introverted, and people don't realize how horrible it feels when they joke about my social awkwardness. It's not that I have a social phobia or anything, but I get secretly happy when some kind of social event is cancelled so I can be alone in my room.

I'm starting to get really scared of the hate that's building up within me, because I always used to be one of those persons who remain optimistic no matter what and who can't find it in themselves to dislike anyone. I hate that my family's been ruined: mom's depressed, dad's moving on just fine even though we never talk and my siblings are completely apathetic. I hate the village I live in because it's homophobic and filled with ignorant and racist people. I hate myself for not being able to get out of this mess myself whilst still refusing to let anyone else in. I hate how everyone I go to school with choose "sex" or "hot guys/girls" as 50% of their conversational topics. I even hate myself for this post because it's pointless and I realize what a whiny person I come off as. But more than anything I hate how I was born in a world that I just can't love in any way, but that still gives me a moral obligation to live because of my family, and the damage I'd cause by killing myself.

Suicide is selfish. REALLY selfish. I always thought people committed suicide when they started feeling bad enough not to care about the damage they'll cause to their loved ones. I'm not really there yet, but I feel like I will be in the future and I'm getting really scared about it. I don't know what I wanted to achieve with this post... advice perhaps, but then again I doubt there's any advice to be given that I'm not already aware of. I don't know. Sorry for all the text.

[SolemnBoy]

I don't really know what to say, except old clichés like "it gets better" but I could relate to some of the things you mentioned. If you ever want to talk about it you can PM me, but I think it would be best to seek some kind of professional help. Most of the things that troubled you sound like things that actually CAN get better in the future, so don't give up and try to be optimistic!

[Counselor]

Please talk to someone. Be honest with them. Find someone you know you can trust, let them know it is very important to you. This isn't a solution to your problems, and it hurts more people than I think you might realize, and some of them WILL listen, they want you in their life, or at least see you succeed.

And I want to see you succeed, also.

[Eromir]

It's heart-breaking to read your post. Talking to someone is a good idea, but you also need a way to escape these thoughts. You might want to find something to cling to in life that does not strongly depend on other people, because you have to find a center within yourself. It does't have to be anything big, you can join a painting or dance class or whatever interests you. Only make sure that it's not about performing. This won't really solve any of your problems, but it might give you more perspective. The people in such classes are generally more friendly and accepting and it's possible to socialize without having to talk much. Another option is to find some volunteer work. Volunteering might sound dreadful, but you are almost certain to find some wonderful friends that way and helping others can be very pleasing. Such kind of activities will help you grow personally and distract you from suicidal thoughts.
There are a lot of support groups out there as well and it might help to visit one and talk about your experiences a few times, but the problem with these is that they make you think about your problems all the time and this isn't helpful in the long run.

Most importantly - never assume that you are a burden.

EDIT: Yes, I know, classes are dreadful. That's what i thought in my teens and I was very wrong. Going to the museum once a week to draw good looking nude guys and girls can be great fun and you don't even need to be good at it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I do a little volunteer work already and I try to keep myself active. The problem isn't exactly that people are cruel. In fact it's very hard to even explain why I feel this way. But I appreciate the advice, I really do. Never considered a support group and I don't think they're really for me. I might consider some kind of support thing online where you can be anonymous. I guess my biggest problem is just the inability to talk about emotions or fear of dragging people down with depressing thoughts.

Once again, thanks! It's really appreciated.

[jimbopdxus]

I believe you came to the right place. As gay people we all go through that. It seems to be a normal process of growing up.
The people here are amazing and remember YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!

[Lalo]

Hello there. I'm not sure why I'm making this thread but if I had to guess I'd say in order to get it out of my system. It's not exactly a subject you talk about a lot, nor something I want friends/parents/teachers or whatever to know about.

The thing is, lately the thought of suicide has been coming off as a lot more "real" than ever before. I'm not saying I'm going to do it (I'd still have to get over the entire selfishness of the act) but I've been thinking about it a lot lately, even planned out various scenarios.

I'm a teenager and I live in a place I've despised for the past 7 years. The reasons for my suicidal thoughts are many, but cause loads of guilt because in all honesty, lots of people have it worse and still find the strength to go on. I don't know why exactly I feel so bad or why I want to leave the world, but I guess some of the factors are my broken family, my sexuality and the fact that I'm very different from everyone else. I know the last thing is something every teenager ever has said, but I mean it. I'm nice to people which causes them to like me but something stops me from ever getting too close to someone. When I was younger, three people found out about my sexuality and bullied me mercilessly which seems to have messed up my personality completely. I always refuse to open up to anyone and I know that if I did at this point my friends would just be startled. In short, I'm pretty introverted, and people don't realize how horrible it feels when they joke about my social awkwardness. It's not that I have a social phobia or anything, but I get secretly happy when some kind of social event is cancelled so I can be alone in my room.

I'm starting to get really scared of the hate that's building up within me, because I always used to be one of those persons who remain optimistic no matter what and who can't find it in themselves to dislike anyone. I hate that my family's been ruined: mom's depressed, dad's moving on just fine even though we never talk and my siblings are completely apathetic. I hate the village I live in because it's homophobic and filled with ignorant and racist people. I hate myself for not being able to get out of this mess myself whilst still refusing to let anyone else in. I hate how everyone I go to school with choose "sex" or "hot guys/girls" as 50% of their conversational topics. I even hate myself for this post because it's pointless and I realize what a whiny person I come off as. But more than anything I hate how I was born in a world that I just can't love in any way, but that still gives me a moral obligation to live because of my family, and the damage I'd cause by killing myself.

Suicide is selfish. REALLY selfish. I always thought people committed suicide when they started feeling bad enough not to care about the damage they'll cause to their loved ones. I'm not really there yet, but I feel like I will be in the future and I'm getting really scared about it. I don't know what I wanted to achieve with this post... advice perhaps, but then again I doubt there's any advice to be given that I'm not already aware of. I don't know. Sorry for all the text.

Okay, first things first: Thank you for reaching out. This site is a great place to come and chat and be yourself. Whenever you want to chat with someone, post a thought, or just scream your frustration to the world, come here and do just that. Take SolemnBoy up on his offer. Or maybe start live chatting with him and other teens on this site.

Aside from that, I hope that you reach out to some of the other resources available. If you are in the UK, here is a site for you to check out: http://www.avert.org/gaylesbianhelp.htm They have lots of resources and contact information. If I have guessed incorrectly, and you aren't in the UK, then check out the following site: http://www.freewebs.com/gaydarboy/intern...tlines.htm There you will find contact information for various nationalities.

Finally, I suggest that you think about becoming less "anonymous". Maybe not right now. You might need some time to work up your nerve. But at least just think about it. Anonymity is a double-edged sword. Yes it can be protective, but it can also isolate you from the very people who can help you. I am not saying that you should divulge aton of personal information either, just that you should "name" yourself. Give yourself a name that embodies who you are, or who you might want to be.

As people, we all tend to feel alone in the world at some point in our lives. This is not unusual. But you have to be smart enough to reason through those feelings and reach out to someone who will listen. If you have to be "anonymous" at first, that's fine. Just do it. Okay?

[Anonymous]

Okay, first things first: Thank you for reaching out. This site is a great place to come and chat and be yourself. Whenever you want to chat with someone, post a thought, or just scream your frustration to the world, come here and do just that. Take SolemnBoy up on his offer. Or maybe start live chatting with him and other teens on this site.

Aside from that, I hope that you reach out to some of the other resources available. If you are in the UK, here is a site for you to check out: http://www.avert.org/gaylesbianhelp.htm They have lots of resources and contact information. If I have guessed incorrectly, and you aren't in the UK, then check out the following site: http://www.freewebs.com/gaydarboy/intern...tlines.htm There you will find contact information for various nationalities.

Finally, I suggest that you think about becoming less "anonymous". Maybe not right now. You might need some time to work up your nerve. But at least just think about it. Anonymity is a double-edged sword. Yes it can be protective, but it can also isolate you from the very people who can help you. I am not saying that you should divulge aton of personal information either, just that you should "name" yourself. Give yourself a name that embodies who you are, or who you might want to be.

As people, we all tend to feel alone in the world at some point in our lives. This is not unusual. But you have to be smart enough to reason through those feelings and reach out to someone who will listen. If you have to be "anonymous" at first, that's fine. Just do it. Okay?

I don't live in the UK. But I'd rather stay anonymous since I use this site kind of frequently and don't really want to make a big deal about it.

You're right that this is a good place though! I feel a little better already. Problems feel less threatening once you actually start talking about them. Thanks!

[Lalo]

The "remaining anonymous" thing is just something to think about for the future. As for the rest...well, I hope that you check out some of those resources. Explore! There is a HUGE world out there and just when you think that you are some sort of freak, you will find that the world is really full of freaks. In fact...being a freak, is actually the norm!

[Rawr]

I can somewhat relate to what you're saying. I was also very optimistic when I was a few years younger, and few other things you've mentioned remind me of similar thought processes I had/have.

I think everyone thinks of suicide at some point, so don't feel guilty about thinking about it. A lot of people bottle it up inside, and due to that, it can get the best of them. It's good that you express it, because I do think it's a good thing to get those emotions out. You're not alone, and if you seek help, you'll find it.

Now the easy advice I can give you would be to seek professional help as well as saying it gets better. But I prefer a more reality/optimistic approach. If you feel you need the help of a professional then I highly suggest you seek one. I can't say it gets better, but I truly believe it does. Of course, there will be a lot of bad times a head, but I can assure you that they are worth enduring for all the good times you will experience. Unfortunately I think we tend to remember the harder times more than the easier times and we get lost in a dark place. The best thing is to try and keep a positive outlook and take everything in life as an experience as well as a lesson. Without the darkness, we wouldn't appreciate the light as much.

From my own suicidal thoughts, I learned quite a few things about my self. I learned that I'm a survivor, and no matter what I couldn't do it. I think if you're going to end it, then end it doing something you love. To me, the worst what can happen in life is death, so why not die trying, following your dreams. We can not predict the future, and with that thought, brings great excitement.

I hope this helps, and is quite understandable. There a lot of members here who are willing to listen