Suicide

[MisterTinkles]

For the first item.......

heres a big (((((((((HUG)))))))))) for you, from someone who has been a part of the same thing.


Now, I would llike to take this a little bit at a time........


"The thing is, lately the thought of suicide has been coming off as a lot more "real" than ever before. I'm not saying I'm going to do it (I'd still have to get over the entire selfishness of the act) but I've been thinking about it a lot lately, even planned out various scenarios.

I'm a teenager and I live in a place I've despised for the past 7 years. The reasons for my suicidal thoughts are many, but cause loads of guilt because in all honesty, lots of people have it worse and still find the strength to go on. I don't know why exactly I feel so bad or why I want to leave the world, but I guess some of the factors are my broken family, my sexuality and the fact that I'm very different from everyone else. I know the last thing is something every teenager ever has said, but I mean it. I'm nice to people which causes them to like me but something stops me from ever getting too close to someone. When I was younger, three people found out about my sexuality and bullied me mercilessly which seems to have messed up my personality completely. I always refuse to open up to anyone and I know that if I did at this point my friends would just be startled. In short, I'm pretty introverted, and people don't realize how horrible it feels when they joke about my social awkwardness. It's not that I have a social phobia or anything, but I get secretly happy when some kind of social event is cancelled so I can be alone in my room."

[COLOR="Purple"]Most teens have thought about suicide at one point in their lives. And today, its more rampant than ever. I too, lived in horrible home conditions. Both me and my sister were raised with selfish, egotistical, and mentally abusive parents. Not only that, I too have been "socially akward" all of my life. Im am what is considered a "wallflower"....I tend to blend into the background, people dont notice me. Hell, Ive worked at some places where I was in the same room with people on the CEO level talking about confidential informaiton, yet I went unnoticed by them.

I know how awful it feels to be made fun of because of being introverted...a "wallflower". I know the humiliation and hurt that goes with it. You are not alone. There have been, are now, and always will be, millions of us. You are not alone in this and never will be. We just keep quiet about it.

I too, have also looked forward to special events at school or at home, so I have a chance to have the place to myself, or be alone. Again, you are not the only one to go through this.[/COLOR]


"I'm starting to get really scared of the hate that's building up within me, because I always used to be one of those persons who remain optimistic no matter what and who can't find it in themselves to dislike anyone. I hate that my family's been ruined: mom's depressed, dad's moving on just fine even though we never talk and my siblings are completely apathetic. I hate the village I live in because it's homophobic and filled with ignorant and racist people. I hate myself for not being able to get out of this mess myself whilst still refusing to let anyone else in. I hate how everyone I go to school with choose "sex" or "hot guys/girls" as 50% of their conversational topics. I even hate myself for this post because it's pointless and I realize what a whiny person I come off as. But more than anything I hate how I was born in a world that I just can't love in any way, but that still gives me a moral obligation to live because of my family, and the damage I'd cause by killing myself."

[COLOR="purple"]I too was the type of teen you describe. I also had these feelings. I came to find out that these feelings were two things building up inside me......1, my inner demons were mocking me....2, I had no defense against any of this (or so I thought at the time).

Familys have disfunctions, no matter how happy or content they may seem on the outside, it is rare that anyone has an actualy "happy home". Life happens, crap happens, shit happens. This is what it is to live in this world.

You have to understand, that regardless of WHERE you live, or what SIZE the village/town/city you live in is, there are hate-mongers, bigots, lunatics, and dregs of human society...just waiting to find someone to drag down to thier level, berate, and humiliate. Why? Because thier lives are total shit and they cannot confront this fact, so they have to drag down as many people as they can, in order to feel "human". But they are not human, they are useless, worthless husks of excrement, pretending to be human beings.

Ive been trying to preach "anti-sex" to people for years, and it just falls on deaf ears. Most people are so brainless now, they just have no abllity to think for themselves, so they allow the media (in all forms) to tell them what to think, do, say, and how to act. If the only conversation someone can hold is about sex....I consider them braindead and I find someone else to talk too. They are out there, but the number of people with working brains gets less and less every day. This is something you have to learn to see and avoid.[/COLOR]


"Suicide is selfish. REALLY selfish. I always thought people committed suicide when they started feeling bad enough not to care about the damage they'll cause to their loved ones. I'm not really there yet, but I feel like I will be in the future and I'm getting really scared about it. I don't know what I wanted to achieve with this post... advice perhaps, but then again I doubt there's any advice to be given that I'm not already aware of. I don't know. Sorry for all the text."

[COLOR="purple"]People commit suicide for three basic reasons. 1. Mental instability. 2. Hopelessness. 3. High moral and ethical standards. People who are users, abusers, and corrupt or completely braindead do not consider suicide, as they have no "soul" of any kind.
I call these people "living zombies". They wallk, talk, and act like people, but they are basically empty husks, acting out the part of a real human being. These are the same people who can only speak, do, or act as the media tells them. They have no thought of thier own.

Suicide is selfish, in only the reason that you are allowing these braindead zombies to win and create more. Not to mention the empty space it will leave in your parents lives and those of your friends.

The one thing I have learned about this over the years, is that all of us "wallflowers" are numerous. We are EVERYWHERE!! The sad part about this is, we all feel that we are alone, so we dont talk to anyone. I can safely say that there are at least 10 more people in your school, who feel and think the same as you. And millions more in other places.

I found out after I graduated high school, that this one girl had always like me and wanted to talk to me, but she was emabarrassed to even say hello to me for some reason. She got up the courage after we graduated, simply because she was taking a risk, but knew we would probably never see each other again. But she said she thought I was a nice person and wanted to be friends with me all through high school. Yet, I never knew this and felt alone and excommunicated from society because I felt as you do now.

If all of the "wallflowers" in your school were to speak up to each other, you would have a large number of friends to help you out. But we dont speak to each other, because we are drowning in our own self pity and sorrow....so we dont see who and what is around us. We are SO involved in our own self-martyrdom, that we live in our own little worlds, refusing to see anything else.[/COLOR]


[COLOR="DarkGreen"]You have to kick yourself in the ass, get out of your pity party you are having with yourself. Look around, watch, listen, and observe.

You DONT need these living zombies in your life. Dont acknowledge them, dont talk to them, dont associate with them. They will do nothing but drag you down. If they start harassing you, just keep on walking, IGNORE them! I have done this, and it works. You may have to continue to do this for months until they get tired of you ignoring them. You only give them the power over you, if you stop and let them. DONT STOP, KEEP ON GOING.

I dont know whats wrong with your parents, but I would suggest family therapy.

You have to find a way to fight for yourself. You have to find a way to control what happens to you. You have to learn how to defend your emotions and intellect from these brainless zombies out there. Laugh at them!!! I mean really! If I sit there and think about how brain dead they are, how useless they are, and how inept at being a human being they are....I can only laugh my ass off at them!!

Yes, a lot of them are CEO's, politicians, and other morons in power, but only YOU can allow thier braindead ways to influence you.

I got to the point of suicide once when I was in my 20's. I even got a handful of pills to take, but I never got them up to my mouth, because I had a revelation!

What if **I** turned the tables on these braindead zombies? What if **I** played them at thier own game? And you know what? I learned how to fight for myself and laugh at their ignorance and braindead ways. I found my weapon........sarcasm and truth.

You cant fight truth. As much as braindead zombies want to hide from it, they have no powers against it. They cant fight the truth. I have yet to EVER come across any braindead zombie who could outwit the truth!!

Sarcasm is my sword. It cuts like a knife in the skulls of these braindead zombies. They can attack me with thier harassment, words, and insults....but they NEVER expect the slicing of their overblown egos when I unleash my super power of sarcasm! I leave them stupified in the dust! Which aint all that hard, considering they are stupified in the first place. LOL
But **I** take control of the situation, I dont allow THEM to control anything. I leave them stabbed, cut, and bleeding (metaphorically) from my lashes of sarcasm.

I found out, by accident, many years ago, that sarcasm AND truth together is one mighty fine piece of battle gear!!!

You have to fight your demons, come to terms with WHO you are, and decide for yourself that YOU are in control of your life, NOT these braindead moronic zombies, trying to pass themselves off as human beings.

You have to find your weapons that work for you. You have to learn how to take control of any situation and claim it as your own.

You have to learn how to spot braindead zombies and ignore them.

You have to learn to read the signs that make us "wallflowers" what we are when we are down and out. Learn to step up to others such as yourself and break the walls that are closing in on you and others like you. I broke down those walls. It was hard, and I had to do a lot of soul searching and went through 3 years of fighting my inner demons, but I did it.
And Im here. Making life miserable for ALL braindead zombies.

I figured, hell, if they want to live with harassment, torment, and hurt.....I will give them ALL THEY CAN HANDLE!!!! [/COLOR]



YOU ARE NOT ALONE, AND NEVER WILL BE!!!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I committed Suicide 30 December 1994... I succeeded, but the darn ER doctors got all nosy and put the spark of life back in the body. Twice... Damned Necromancers!

I can honestly say that since my death (and that necromantic act of making the dead live again) I have had good years and I have had years from hell. There have been years when I have been thankful that those doctors saved me. Currently I am cursing them and wishing hard that they hadn't interfered.

Does it get better - No not really, it 'just is'. What can improve is how you view life in general and you can change (a little) how you feel about stuff.

Due to a year of hell and having a lot of stuff going very badly, I have sunk into a period of very deep depression. During the past month I have put a gun in my mouth and almost pulled the trigger... the only reason why I didn't is because I didn't want my roommate to discover a dead body with brains splattered over a wall.... He doesn't do blood well.

I have also contemplated 'cleaner' ways to do the deed, up to and including going up to the mountains and taking some sleeping pills and taking a long night in/on a pile of snow.

Situations in a person's life does have a huge impact on how they feel.

I could say that my 'problems' are worse than yours (most likely are) but I do understand that any problem can make a profound change in how a person views life. Thus I'm not going to say your problems are 'not worthy' of thoughts of suicide, for you they are and I empathize.

You were bullied, and that has lead to serious trust issues. I get that - I understand all to well how abuse affects a person's ability to trust, reach out, be wholly there for other people. I know that intimately well. You were abused, and you need to find a way to work on that and the attending issues it created in you.

I wish I can tell you that there is a magic bullet that fixes that. But that would be a lie.

I can tell you that with the proper therapist, one you can trust and really talk to you can go a long ways to get around this 'issue' and have the semblance of normalcy.

Pills can offer temporary relief of depression, however pills alone will NOT work on the underlying cause. That underlying cause is this abuse you have suffered and god only knows what else.

Anger is a powerful motivator, and being mean cures all manner of 'negative' emotions. However easy it would be to give in to the darkside, the reality remains that the long term impact of 'turning evil' is far worse than killing yourself.

Well actually, in your case, giving in to that anger is killing the you who you are.

A therapist will also help with that.

Since you have university in mind, you may discover that campus therapists are available, and you may also discover that there are many resources out there that are free to sliding scale.

I did therapy for many years, I resolved a lot of crap in my life. It is possible that at this early age you can resolve most of your crap and live a "normal" relatively happy life. The trick is to deal with shit as it comes up, don't make the mistake I made and wait until you are 30 to deal with the initial crap and all of the side effects and added crap that stalling, waiting, and denying your 'issues' brings with it.

[Anonymous]

I've listened to, and will consider all of your advice. Thanks a lot everyone!

I don't feel like this thread is really needed anymore but I just want to point out that I don't really have any severe trust issues. I do have some very good friends even if they don't live in this town. I'm just very bottled-up emotionally. I don't think my life is bad enough to inspire thoughts of suicide, it's more like me being an emotional wreck for having never opened up or talked about my emotions to anyone for the past 10 years. I used to suppress my emotions and refuse to cry or show any signs of sadness no matter what, so now I'm probably overreacting to things that are bad but not THAT bad.

Also, Brown, I'm sorry about everything you talked about. I hope you manage to sort everything out in the future!

Once again, thanks everyone!

[hank]

Hello there. I'm not sure why I'm making this thread but if I had to guess I'd say in order to get it out of my system. It's not exactly a subject you talk about a lot, nor something I want friends/parents/teachers or whatever to know about.

The thing is, lately the thought of suicide has been coming off as a lot more "real" than ever before. I'm not saying I'm going to do it (I'd still have to get over the entire selfishness of the act) but I've been thinking about it a lot lately, even planned out various scenarios.

I'm a teenager and I live in a place I've despised for the past 7 years. The reasons for my suicidal thoughts are many, but cause loads of guilt because in all honesty, lots of people have it worse and still find the strength to go on. I don't know why exactly I feel so bad or why I want to leave the world, but I guess some of the factors are my broken family, my sexuality and the fact that I'm very different from everyone else. I know the last thing is something every teenager ever has said, but I mean it. I'm nice to people which causes them to like me but something stops me from ever getting too close to someone. When I was younger, three people found out about my sexuality and bullied me mercilessly which seems to have messed up my personality completely. I always refuse to open up to anyone and I know that if I did at this point my friends would just be startled. In short, I'm pretty introverted, and people don't realize how horrible it feels when they joke about my social awkwardness. It's not that I have a social phobia or anything, but I get secretly happy when some kind of social event is cancelled so I can be alone in my room.

I'm starting to get really scared of the hate that's building up within me, because I always used to be one of those persons who remain optimistic no matter what and who can't find it in themselves to dislike anyone. I hate that my family's been ruined: mom's depressed, dad's moving on just fine even though we never talk and my siblings are completely apathetic. I hate the village I live in because it's homophobic and filled with ignorant and racist people. I hate myself for not being able to get out of this mess myself whilst still refusing to let anyone else in. I hate how everyone I go to school with choose "sex" or "hot guys/girls" as 50% of their conversational topics. I even hate myself for this post because it's pointless and I realize what a whiny person I come off as. But more than anything I hate how I was born in a world that I just can't love in any way, but that still gives me a moral obligation to live because of my family, and the damage I'd cause by killing myself.

Suicide is selfish. REALLY selfish. I always thought people committed suicide when they started feeling bad enough not to care about the damage they'll cause to their loved ones. I'm not really there yet, but I feel like I will be in the future and I'm getting really scared about it. I don't know what I wanted to achieve with this post... advice perhaps, but then again I doubt there's any advice to be given that I'm not already aware of. I don't know. Sorry for all the text.

first, not everybody is a social butterfly, you don't have to be, and don't think something's wrong with you because you're not.

it sounds like you need to think great deal about accepting yourself for who you are. you're shy, there's nothing wrong with that, you're introverted there's nothing wrong with it either. accept those things about yourself. changing them is so very difficult, it's not impossible, just like the way you accepted your sexuality except to personality. there's nothing wrong with you other than you're trying to be something you're not.

if something makes you unhappy, don't do that something, live for yourself, if only I had figured myself out when I was a teenager...

you're not a whiny teenager, these problems are very real, your problems aren't any lesser than anybody elses. I see a young person reaching out for help, not a whiny teen. most of the things that have occurred were not your fault, don't ever blame yourself. Life has a way of beating the crap out of you sometimes. I think we all have thought about it at one point in our lives, there are tough things that happen to us and everyone deals with it oin their own way.

You are going to be okay, the only thing you have to do is get back up, triumph isn't stellar success only attained by the mightiest of us, it's just refusal to give up, that's all it takes, sometimes it's very difficult you need to ask for help, it doesn't make you weak, it means you are strong, the strength it takes to reach out is sometimes enough. I will help if I can, I am just some voice on the internet, but I am a human being, I have asked for help on this board numerous times, so I am not any different than you, just a little older, I have had suicidal thoughts in my teens and twenties, so I may not know exactly what you are going through, but I understand that it is difficult. And I know some ways to help yourself,. I also know you will be okay.

[hank]

I've listened to, and will consider all of your advice. Thanks a lot everyone!

I don't feel like this thread is really needed anymore but I just want to point out that I don't really have any severe trust issues. I do have some very good friends even if they don't live in this town. I'm just very bottled-up emotionally. I don't think my life is bad enough to inspire thoughts of suicide, it's more like me being an emotional wreck for having never opened up or talked about my emotions to anyone for the past 10 years. I used to suppress my emotions and refuse to cry or show any signs of sadness no matter what, so now I'm probably overreacting to things that are bad but not THAT bad.

Also, Brown, I'm sorry about everything you talked about. I hope you manage to sort everything out in the future!

Once again, thanks everyone!

Don't be sorry, don't sell your problems short. I understand the baggage that builds upafter years of keeping things in. Thus may sound stupid but it really helped me. Just before you go to sleep or right after you wake up, cry. If you are anything like me out seems as though the bottle is at it's Max, crying releases the pressure, it's cathartic, I still do it once in a while, it feels good, as soups as it sounds it really helps.

Emotions are good, even sadness and sorrow, it may seem stupid and pointless, but why would we feel it if we didn't need to. Sadness makes happiness so special, it's not bad, it's good, it may hurt, but pain is necessary, if we didn't hurt we wouldn't learn from our past. And just the memory of that pain will steer us straight. Hurt as much as you need, only fools ignore pain and sadness.

Don't worry to much, you will figure it out, and once you do please don't forget that these problems are not silly, that people are not weak for reaching out, and that will change the world at least for some. Don't underestimate your value, know this every trial you face is education, that you can pass on to help alleviate the suffering of someone younger than you. That should put a smile on your face

[unkown21]

You dont need to be sorry for anything hunny. You are born the way you are and there is no changing that. I understand how you feel about suicide because i was feeling like doing it too about a month and a half ago. The only reason i was able to make it through school was because i kept convincing myself that i wasnt "this way" and that what i was going through was a phase. I was lieing to myself because i was afraid and then i decided to stop lieing and accept myself and try to embrace myself. Life was easier when i could lie to myself, but now that i cant that caused a huge depression in me, for different reasons than you. I too had suicide planned out to a various degree, and i was even worried that if i carried it out the way i wanted, my parents wouldnt be able to have an open casket if they wanted. the one thing that has been providing me with a ray of light, are all my friends that know im trans, and going to therapy. Im the same was you are hunny, i like to keep my emotions to myself because i didnt want to bum anyone else out so i wouldn't tell anyone. It took me months to work up the courage to be able to even go to therapy, but it is helping so much. You need to find one person you can confide in and once that trust is gained, spill your great out to them. You can't live your whole life trying to be something that you're not sweetie, it never works out. Hope you feel better, and you can always message me if you need to talk okay?

[Anonymous]

Thanks a lot for the kind words, unknown and hank!

You're definitely right about sadness being a very necessary thing to put perspective on happiness. I'm also glad that your therapy is helping you. If I decide that something like therapy would be helpful for me I'm going to pursue it - I promise to do so if I start feeling worse.

And another thanks for everyone who tried to help! I hope I can repay you by doing something similar in the future!

(The turtle is kind of irrelevant but I like turtles so deal with it!)

[Nick9]

(The turtle is kind of irrelevant but I like turtles so deal with it!)

keep your attitude up like that! :biggrin: Don't be like a turtle hidden in your shell.

[hank]

Thanks a lot for the kind words, unknown and hank!

You're definitely right about sadness being a very necessary thing to put perspective on happiness. I'm also glad that your therapy is helping you. If I decide that something like therapy would be helpful for me I'm going to pursue it - I promise to do so if I start feeling worse.

And another thanks for everyone who tried to help! I hope I can repay you by doing something similar in the future!

(The turtle is kind of irrelevant but I like turtles so deal with it!)

turtles are awesome, and that one is cute.

[Rawr]

It's a Pokemon called Shuckle :3