I have been trying to figure out something about the content put in a profile on dating sites.
I am by nature, a romantic, honest caring, etc. but, I also want to "play" too. I am single, so I am not cheating or anything like that.
I could put a profile like (keeping in mind that my physical description is on another part of the same page...just not in the "essay/about" section):
I have been disabled since 1994 with various health issues (no on contagious) that include an anxiety and depressive disorder. I am a Romantic by nature and am interested in a LTR, but sometimes, I like to "play" and since I am currently single, I am most attracted to guys that are young (18 - 35ish), white, slim to fit and like to play...could turn into a FWB.
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. Thanks for looking.
I have done other profiles that go something like this:
I am basically a romantic, but lately I have been wanting to play. I am interested in younger guys (18-35ish), white with slim to fit bodies. I am very oral giving and a ver/btm.
If you want to know more, contact me. Thanks.
Now which one of these profiles do you think got more replies?
I would like your thoughts on this as I am sort of duplicitous and am having trouble trying to write a profile that will be honest, but also trigger the right kind of interest.
I don't want to write..."If you want hot sex...no holes barred...contact me"
Okay...are you looking for a date? For date and possibility of sex? Or a relationship? Honestly, if you are looking on dating sites for the highest number of return hits, then I would leave out ANY of the negatives. and only put in positives. Why? Because, in reality, gay dating sites are really just electronic gay bars. Attraction is based on initial stats and other people's "perception" of who you are. It has nothing to do with reality and everything to do with the fantasy.
Having said that, it is obvious that you are one of those rare men who is forthright and honest. Trust me, there is nothing wrong with that. But when it comes to dating, especially on-line dating, you may want to let some details come out as natural developments in the conversation.
You are a good-looking guy. but a smiling picture has been shown to attract a lot more interest in studies than a picture without a smile.
If I were you and looking, I might post something like:
"I am a tall, masculine, hairy, and attractive guy who is looking for an attractive, slim guy (18-35). I am really looking for a relationship, but sex is not out of the question either. If you are interested...."
Then just let everything else happen. But, in my opinion, you don't want to scare away potential suitors by giving them a whole lot of negatives up front. If a relationship is to have a chance, there has to be some discovery along the way.
Well said, and I have to agree with you based on my little test on a few dating sites with the different types of profile info.
the biggest reason I posted this here, is that I wanted other "real" input as I have been disabled since 1994. In the beginning, I only had a few bad days here and there. My biggest issues deals with anxiety and not it has almost made me housebound. I have talked (on the phone) with a few people as we got to know each other better online (in a very short amount of time) and meeting was a real possibility. My anxiety gets so bad that my body visibly shakes and my teeth chatter so badly that I can hardly talk (in the beginning until I calm down). Doesn't make a good first real impression.
I long for the days of 30 years ago when sex was fun and uninhibited and could go on all night. Because of my health issues, it has been nearly 11 years since I touched another man. That doesn't help the anxiety part...
I feel like I need to "get my feet wet" again. Intellectually, I know how to have "hookup sex", but back in those days, emotionally, there was always more...at least potentially. Now, I am completely out of the loop and being older, I am not so 'innocent" as far as life goes.
Truthfully, I don't hold any (or about 0.1%) chance of an LTR, but at least I want to have sex with someone I find attractive...they could be 40...it just depends on the individual and it is hard to put that into words, so I use numbers and some description.
Dating isn't easy...period. That is for sure! In fact, although I am currently in a relationship and have had other LTR's in the past, the majority of my adult life has been spent single, so I know how that goes. But it sounds to me like you need to relax and give yourself a break. If YOU are getting that anxious about the dating situation, then that is bound to ruin any perceptions and therefore any possibilities of any future involvement. No matter what your disability, somewhere there is a man who is looking for you. You just haven't met him yet.
I posted this video on another thread. But I think that you should see it too.
Tyler had a lot going against him. He is transgender and competed in the macho world of Mr. Leather competition. He is also physically handicapped. At one point, he says, "Look into your heart, find your greatest desire, and pursue it without fear." These are words to live by.
You may also want to begin by developing some social networks. Portland is a massive and cliqueish gay community, which might be harder to deal with right now. But look south to the Roseburg area. There they have a very active, but small, gay community that is ready to embrace anyone. You may want to check them out. Social interactions that begin with simple friendships might be a lot less stressful.
In other words, maybe put the sex and relationship stuff on the back burner for the time being, and just concentrate on building up a bigger social network. Then, from there? Who knows?
It doesnt really matter what YOU say in an ad.....THEY are going to read into it whatever they want.
The sad/sick thing about personal ad's is, you really cant tell which ones are honest and sincere, and which ones are liars/cheats/bastards/players just looking to get laid.
Ive tried everything from "just looking for someone to talk to, possibly hang with" to a two paragraph essay describing what I am wanting. None of them worked.
You can say whatever you want, it doesnt matter.
I would suggest you spell out words instead of using monograms like WFB. I dont even know what that is....Wild F**king Boy??
I appreciate you words and the video. My anxiety is so bad that until about 2 weeks ago, I hadn't left a 2 mile radius from my house and I no longer travel on freeways or after dark. being on a disability income has become extremely limiting as well. I simply don't have the gas money to make even reasonably short trips.
I have always been shy and nervous, but not to the debilitating state that I now live. In my state (with allot of meds to try to help), I can virtually do nothing without fear...especially when it comes to people interaction and even worse when it comes to anyone that I am attracted to. I have seem many therapists and shrinks and medical doctors since before I went on disability. Nothing has helped to any great degree.
I cannot walk in Tyler's "shoes" and he cannot walk in mine. I think it is absolutely awesome that he has been able to overcome so much. My doctor recently told me, "You should meet this quadriplegic patient of mine. He has the greatest outlook on life. He is truly remarkable." I told him basically the same thing I have told you about Tyler. No two people are the same and no two people will respond the same to a given situation.
I don't have any visible disabilities. Mine are internal, both physiological and psychological.
Just in case this has entered your mind...I will tell you straight up that I have gone through and past the "poor me" state many, many years ago. I am being honest and truthful about my situation. I can't seem to be any other way. I don't know how not to tell people about my issues as they can become instantly obvious in situations where I am nervous. I am talking about something far beyond the shaking and chattering teeth. I also have Crohn's Disease and that coupled with my anxiety issues causes an instant and urgent need to use the restroom...and I am not talking piss. So, unless someone was into scat, this would not be an attractive thing and for me it is the ultimate embarrassment. No medication or combination of medicines has been able to control that reaction short of literally putting my to sleep.
If you have ever had to sit in your own shit and drive home for 30 miles in it or had an "accident" on the train going to work (when I worked) and a friend seeing you and wanting to walk with you while walking to the station and all you can think of is, "can anyone see this or smell this...has it leaked through to my pants?" that is horrifying. I now live with that knowledge and possibility all of the time now. I stay home so I can be near a bathroom. If I have to go to the store, I go there a quickly as I can, get what I need and get back home as soon as possible. I know where all of the bathrooms are in this town. On numerous occasions, I have had stop on the side of the road, go to the passenger side of my truck and sit partially on the running board and shit off the side. Luckily, I live in a rural area and a great deal of the land is farmland where there are no people around.
I don't know how to get around this as the very thing that I desire causes me the most anxiety. I can't meet anyone if I stay at home all of the time or when I am out, I am trying to get home as fast as possible.
I am in a very bad place with no answers in site. I have been here for a long time now. I don't know if this will improve or not. Based on history, I would imagine that it will only become worse.
I will stop here, but as an aside...did you notice how quickly the "conversation" went from what kind of profile should I write to me sharing remarkably intimate health issues. that is all I know anymore and with my propensity to being ridiculously honest...it came out very quickly. It would be no different with someone I was talking on the phone who had responded to my "ad". things would soon turn to letting them know about my "issues". Sort of like a person that is HIV+ telling you that he is positive before things go further.
Unless highly drugged, I cannot control my anxiety. If highly drugged, I can't enjoy being with someone (even for "play") and be expected to perform.
Unfortunately I still have the desire/need to be intimate with someone.
Well, as you know, this isnt something that can be dealt with over night.
Since you live in a rural area, that doesnt help matters. Ive had to live in the "boonies" before, where I had to drive 20 miles just to turn around.
From what I can gather, from my own experiences in the past, you first have to find out what makes you anxious. This in itself is the root of all your problems....well, psychologically anyway. I had to do a lot of "soul searching" and fighting my "inner demons" before I could realize what and who were making me anxious and remove it and them from my life.
I dont know what kind of Dr.s you had, but it sounds like none of them were trying to find the root of the problems, only dousing them with drugs.
Anxiety is the basis for depression, high blood pressure, self guilt trips, the "poor me" stage, uncontrollable urges, fears, etc...
In order to "kill two birds with one stone", you have to find out what makes you anxious. Once you deal with that and have overcome that, the lesser "demons" in your life will eventually disappear.
Im not saying you will be cured, but working on one issue at a time usually does the trick. First, kick anxieties ass, then you can start kicking some of the other problems to the curb.
In my experience, bad Dr.s either shovel drugs down your throat or just dont know what the hell they are doing and cant diagnose thier way out of a room.
A good Dr. will explore ALL options, starting with the simplest and going to the most extreme, until they find what it is that is the cause of your issues. And then treat THAT issue first.
Your nervousness and "accidents" may be the cause of drugs not interacting with each other correctly.
Ive known a lot of people who have been on a lot of medications, only to find out thier Dr was just perscribing crap to shut them up, or give them what they were asking for...whether it was good for them or part of a real treatment, or not. A couple of these people had such ill side effects, they ended up in the hospital, only to be told by a specialist that the meds they were taking were making them this way...and those meds should have NEVER been perscribed together. Once they found a REAL Dr and got their meds straightened out, they were a lot better, without ANY side effects.
As for your "accidents" and living in a rural area....
If you have not done this already, I would suggest a "clean kit" to keep in your vehicle.
A "clean kit" is a bag, box, or small container with these items in it--
two rolls of toilet paper
clean wipes (antiseptic)
skin sanitizer
neosporin
bandaids
roll of small trashbags
I also keep:
a gallon of water
roll of paper towels
small bottle of cologne (you can get one at a dollar store)
I always carry this with me when going on trips. Sometimes there just is no way to "hold it in" until you can get 100 miles down the road to a gas station.
If you drive the same routes all the time, find some spots along the ways on both sides of the road, where you can pull over safely and "go".....large trees, bushes, fences, large rocks, small hills, etc..... If you have to "go", then you can pull over, grab your kit and run for it.
You might also keep a change of clothes in your vehicle and when you travel--
besides a "clean kit", have a rolled up pair of pants, a Tshirt, socks, and underwear. You can carry all this in a large briefcase, small backpack, or one of those little suitcase things with a long handle and rollers on it.
This way you always have some cleaning supplies and clean clothes.
They also make adult "diapers", which are basically plastic with underwear inside it. Much easier to clean up from and carry with you than extra clothes.
There are also all sorts of "car toilets". You can research these online.
I know its not fun living with issues AND in a rural area. But there ARE people who dont mind that your just a human being, not somebody trying to be "perfect" or whatever. They are hard to find, but believe it or not, most of them are from rural areas.
I think if you find a personal ad that you end up liking, I would stick with it and use the same ad each time.
Dont rack your brains wondering what to change or say on it. As I said previously, it really doesnt matter what you say, most people reading those ads will read into it whatever they want. But you might have better luck using the same ad all the time.
Sounds corny, but you might have a better chance of getting a reply if you use the same ad all the time, rather than trying to create something different each time. Some guy might think to himself "hmmm, Ive seen this ad before, he sounds interesting..."
Dont know if any of that will help, but hope it does.
First, in regard to your physical ailments, you are not alone and there are other people with similar or worse problems. My partner has Crohn's disease as well. He has had a bowel resection in the past and been hospitalized three times in the past ten years for dehydration associated with the disease. At his worst he was wearing adult briefs all of the time. He has been through every treatment known to mankind to try to get his diarrhea under control. Nothing worked. Then I read about Kefir and we decided to try that. He drank a glass a day for a month. Since then he has had only one flair up. He again drank Kefir for a month and has been fine ever since. So that might be something you want to look into.
He also has severe PTSD and anxiety. During the war, his troop was engaged in trying to take a hill in the jungle. On the surge up the hill, he got his foot caught in a tree root and he could not get it out. The troop was forced into a retreat by enemy fire. They tried to free him but couldn't. His commanding officer made the decision to save the rest of the troop and leave Mark there alone as night was falling. They loaded him up with extra ammunition and grenades and left him alone on that hillside throughout the night. The stress of that night, thinking that he was going to die during every minute, being in constant pain from torn cartilage in his knee, caused him to develop severe PTSD with anxiety and depression. In the morning, they cut the root and freed him but the physical damage to his knee and ankle resulted in his discharge.
His anxiety is so bad that I have to announce where I am in the house periodically so that I don't startle him. Just walking into the room can cause him to jump. He has continuous violent and bloody nightmares almost nightly. He fights and strikes out during these nightmares. Sometimes they are so violent that he has thrown himself out of bed. One time it resulted in a severe laceration and concussion. On more than one occasion I have been awakened by a flurry of fists as he punched away at the demons in his dreams, striking me instead. I have held him in my arms as he has screamed, cried and yelled in his sleep, unable to wake from the nightmares.
Accompanying all of this is a constant battle with severe depression. Right now he is going through a bad period. In the past ten years his doctors have changed his medication at least four times and his medication dosage more times than I can count. Each time, he will do better for a while, then the effects seem to wane and he winds up right back where he started from before treatment.
At the height of his depressive periods (like now), Mark becomes extremely self-engrossed and ego-centric. And "yes", I get that THAT is part of his whole disease process. But I also don't let him get away with any shit related to that ego-centric behavior. For example, during the past month he failed to even acknowledge my 50th birthday and Valentine's day which was two weeks later. As I told him, I understand the depression and I understand how it can encourage and is related to the whole self-centered behavior thing. But that does not give him the right to abandon his responsibilities to our relationship nor to me as a person. In other words...I call him on his shit.
Although I don't know you, it looks like I am going to have to do the same for you. I get where you are coming from. I understand that you have a lot of "issues". And I hear you and respect you for sharing some of them here. But... I am also hearing a lot of "poor,poor, pitiful me" crap about why you can't do this...and why you can't do that...and why things are so rough. And you know what? You are right! You have been dealt a shitty hand. But so what? Other people in this world have to! For you to diminish Tyler McCormick's issues because yours are so much worse, isn't really acceptable. Also, your issues aren't anything that YOU alone in the entire world have to deal with. Believe it or not, there are other people WORSE off than you. There are other people with Crohn's disease. There are other people with depression. There are other people with anxiety. There are other people immobilized by fear. And there are other people who feel like they are screaming out in the darkness for someone...anyone...to hold them...to touch their hand... to caress their face and to say that they care! There are other people who are so physically grotesque from disease that they are dying for human kindness. Guess what! This is called the human condition. It isn't always pretty, but it is what we've got.
So, in the final anlysis, you can be hamstrung by any condition. Hell, some people might think that they aren't worthy of a relationship because they have false teeth, or a problem with recurrent bad breath or body odor. But the problem is never about the ailment as much it is how you handle it! So until you get a grasp on your situation and stop telling yourself all of the reasons why you CAN'T find love ... you WON'T find love. So, to quote a line from Dolly Parton, "Get down off the cross honey, cause somebody needs that wood!"
I am sorry if I come across as a harsh asshole with this post. I really am. But I sincerely hope that you see that YOU are the only person who can control your fate. I don't believe that you ARE being honest with yourself because whether you realize it or not, you are still in the "poor me" phase. You are still shooting down every possible solution...and you are still sabotaging your own dreams. But hey...that's just my opinion. You don't have any obligation to listen to it at all.
I hope that you find your way through this. Above everything else...I really do hear that you are in pain and mental anguish. So although my words are kind of harsh, I do feel for you. Take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope that you find your way through this difficult time.
Your reply is rather insightful...the kind of insight that only someone who has gone through some of this before...maybe no the medical part, but the urgent need part.
I do actually keep TP and wipes in the car and I even bought an old fashioned bed pan (enameled steel). I don't know how I would actually use it though because trying to get your pants down inside a vehicle and get on top of that would be strenuous and thus cause the "accident" right where you are. I have carried a full change of clothing, but I ran out of pants, so I had to steal my emergency pair.
As far as Drs. I have had so many or so many different kinds when I was in LA and D.C. and in Baltimore and here in OR. I have test after test and with extreme rarity did they ever find anything. I take 32 prescriptions and have 29 working diagnoses. Until about 6 years ago, my biggest issues was the anxiety and secondarily the depression. Now, big physiological players are exertional angina and fibromyalgia which will stop me in my tracks.
I have been seeing therapists since I was about 10yo. My issues then was "introversion"...in later years, I was told it was because I "played" with other little boys.
I never thought so until recently, but I am starting to believe that some of my issues are due to my molestation at age 5 by a older brother of a friend of mine. I don't think that made me gay...I believe that i was born that way...but i think that some lingering aspect of it being a secret has haunted me without me really thinking about it.
I was always painfully shy and preferred playing by myself and liked being around the adults. I did much better with them and in the process learned allot that I would not have learned otherwise.
I have been uninterested in having sex for about 10 years up until recently. In looking into what i an so tired all of the time, I had a testosterone level test done and found that my level was extremely low and was prescribed testosterone shots to help with my tiredness...and no...I didn't want it to affect my libido. I was reconciled with not having sex and it was easier that way. I have to believe that raising my level up to a normal level has brought on this insipid desire again. I was always horrible at dating and never had anything last more than 10 days. I have had relatively few partners in my life. Although, I have always wanted to have a partner, it just never worked. I have been told that I am "too honest". I didn't know there was such a thing, but apparently there is and you are supposed to keep you mouth shut about your feelings and play some game that I never learned.
I don't know what to do at this point. I have seen so many medical professionals already and over decades that if they haven't been able to pinpoint anything...especially involving a trigger to my anxiety, I don't know what else to do. I just know that it has become allot worse over the last 6 years to the point where I am now.
I am so very tired of being where I am and I don't know of a way to change it. I have all day every day to think and analyze everything...and I do. I have not found an answer. What I have found is more and more ways of avoidance behavior. Anything that has triggered my anxiety, I have stopped doing (as much as possible). I am not totally housebound yet, but logic and experience would tell me that is where I am headed. I don't want to live that way...that is no life...as it is I am merely existing...which isn't acceptable to me. If it weren't for that stupid "hope springs eternal"...and it might be better around the next bend..in other words hope...I would not be here now and I have to tell you that sometimes, I wonder if i would have been better off being a slut like my friends were 30 years ago and dying young from the obvious cause in stead of basically a miserable unfulfilled life lasting 30 more years or pain and disappointment.
I know that sounds like, "poor me", but I am speaking the truth...I am speaking of thoughts that I have often had...I am not making this up as I go, I can assure you. I am in such a deep hole that I can no longer get out by myself. I am reaching out and trying to gain some insight from others that may have similar issues.
There is a clock that is ticking...counting down the minutes until I will see no other way than to give up. I thought I was past all of that...but I was wrong.
I was not "diminishing Tyler's issues, because mine are so much worse" Mine are different...his are different...your bf Mark's are different. We all (everyone) has issues of one kind or another. To compare them is impossible. It is how we are or are not able to handle them that is the key. Something that bother's you might not bother me and vise-versa. You are quite intelligent enough to know that. Your response was quite harsh. It is always easier to see another person's issues when you are not in the middle of them. When my mother was dying of cancer in '05, she got quite verbally abusive to my sister and I knew it was the cancer that reached her brain complicated by the meds that she was taking for pain, but I told her that behavior was no appropriate and will not be tolerated. I told that to my mother...a woman that I idolized. I understand what you are saying, but quite frankly, I don't need to be put down any further than I am. I do quite a nice job of that by myself. If my reaching out and trying to find answers that I have been unable to find alone if bothersome...sorry. I have lived my life as you have lived yours and Mark has lived his. We CAN NOT compare who has the most problems...and which are more severe. You can only do that in textbooks...we are not text books...we are people having problems...every one of us trying to deal the best way we know how. Often times that isn't good enough...but it is THE BEST WE KNOW HOW.
I appreciate you sharing the hell that you and Mark are going through. I feel sorry that you both have to go through it...but I won't put you or him down because of your issues and how you are both dealing with them because I KNOW YOU ARE DOING THE BEST THAT YOU CAN DO. Please give me the same respect.
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