advice plz

[jamiebfd]

Hi guys. havent posted for a while but need a little advice.
My fella seems real distant lately and im not seeing much of him. He doesnt contact me unless i message or call him first.
He will go out at the weekend without me leaving me home alone with nothing to do.
Also...If i ask him to contact me later in the evening when he goes out....he never does. Then i get a little anxious and start wondering where he is...what he doing etc etc.
Im a very short fused person which he knows and getting ignored like that really pisses me off so i always message him saying something sarcastic like... Thnx for getting in touch, show me sum respect and stop ignoring me for once.

All i geft is abuse the next day. Im checking up on him...im an abuser...im paranoid blah blah blah.
But all i like to know is that he is safe and i ask things like...when am i seeing you. So im being possesive he says???

Am i being a door mat? or is he right. Should i stop messaging and stop trying with him.
Maybe the spark has gone for him which leaves me broken hearted and chasing lol.

Confused.com

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hi Jamie,

Well he is certainly sending you very mixed signals on the relationship front, so I think you have cause to be concerned.

Is this behaviour something thats been going on for a while, or has it gotten worse recently? How long have you guys been together, and do you actually live together?

It's not that unusual for relationships to kind of phase in and out of periods of intensity, perhaps he just needs a little space. Having said that, its clear that his actions are having an impact on you, so your perfectly within your right to feel the way you are feeling.

The only way you are going to get to the bottom of this is to sit him down face to face and talk to him about how your feeling right now, and how the impact of his actions are affecting you.

Coming into the forum will get you plenty of advice, but only you can find the solution.

Good luck, and feel free to shout me if you need to talk.

ObW
X

[jamiebfd]

Hi Jamie,

Well he is certainly sending you very mixed signals on the relationship front, so I think you have cause to be concerned.

Is this behaviour something thats been going on for a while, or has it gotten worse recently? How long have you guys been together, and do you actually live together?

It's not that unusual for relationships to kind of phase in and out of periods of intensity, perhaps he just needs a little space. Having said that, its clear that his actions are having an impact on you, so your perfectly within your right to feel the way you are feeling.

The only way you are going to get to the bottom of this is to sit him down face to face and talk to him about how your feeling right now, and how the impact of his actions are affecting you.

Coming into the forum will get you plenty of advice, but only you can find the solution.

Good luck, and feel free to shout me if you need to talk.

ObW
X

Well we had a fall out new years eve and since then things have been like this.
I have tried the sitting down and talking but he gets very stressed and says i am trying to be controlling. Which to me is very wrong. All i want is a little respect and to know wether im coming or going. We have been together 3 years nearly and to me...this is certainly the roughest it has ever been for us.
He keeps dropping in the label of being an abuser. Because i check up on him and txt/ring regular or ask to see him regularly.
So i have tried toning it down but still i am left feeling that he doesnt respect me or even care that certain things bother me. I dont even know if he loves me anymore to be honest.
Cant remember the last time he told me.
Sad i know...but the little things mean alot to me lol

[EvenOlderButWiser]

There is nothing sad about it. In relationships each person has needs, and there is nothing wrong with needing to feel loved and wanted.

Using the A word is a little harsh in this situation, and it sounds to me like he's trying to justify his actions by making it your fault he's behaving this way (classic signs btw of someone who knows they are doing something wrong, but cant accept its their fault they are doing it)

Do you think your too controlling in the relationship? Is he younger or older than you, as this can influence how he's behaving?

The bottom line is (and you may not want to hear this) if he is unwilling to even discuss his actions and their effect on you, then I think the relationship will struggle to survive. It takes two people to maintain a relationship, and without effective communications between all parties, it can often end up pulling in two different directions, becoming self destructive along the way.

Do you both have a mutual friend that can provide neutral advice to either of you, even if its only their observations on how you interact with each other when others are around?

Im sure others will chip and and provide their comments.

Good Luck

ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I personally would be annoyed if all you did was message me.

Its a phone, try calling? Maybe set up a date for face to face?

IDK, maybe he is 'over it' but doesn't know how to maturely tell you?

[dfiant]

Jamie, I'm sorry to hear this.

I would say thing haven't been the way they should be for a while and that the falling out was just the catalyst needed to show how the relationship has run its course.

2 months of this and name calling, I would hate to say it, but it just doesn't get any better from here. I think your choices are very limited as far as the relationship goes I'm sorry to say.

[Rainbowmum]

I am really sorry this is happening to you Jamie.


It sounds to me like he may have a guilty conscience, If I were you I would arrange a time so you can talk things out , one way or another.
Limbo is no place to have a relationship from ,you deserve so much more.

[trywait]

to quote erica jong: Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

trust your intuition jaime

[takopako]

sorry to hear about that, but personally, i would stop contacting him. However, i wouldnt because of a fear of being overbearing, but because he seems to be acting like a jerk...i you dont ever get to see him and he doesnt want to contact you, and he doesnt want you contacting him, then it is a natural reaction to fear the worst. i would have a heart to heart and make a decision based upon how that goes.

[Vigilias]

You may not like the result of what I'm about to suggest but it sure as hell worked for me.

Resist the urge to call, text, email or generally contact him then see how long it takes him to contact you.

The time he takes should give you a general indication of how much he wants to be with you. It's not an exact science but it's a start.

Sad to say, but from what you've told us I'm thinking your relationship has run its course. That being the case I feel you deserve to know where you stand.

Your boyf should really have some regard for how his lack of contact and the shift in the dynamic of your relationship is making you feel. If it's over, if he doesn't want to be with you any more he should really tell you to your face in a way which is as unambiguous as possible.

You need to start the grieving process and go through it before you'l ever be in the right frame of mind to find someone new. You deserve that at least.

Time for THE talk methinks.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!