"you don't look gay to me"

[strangerrr]

i bet many of us heard these words.
first , what do they mean with this?
and second, do you get offended or flattered when someone tells you this?



the other day at work a co-worker asked me how many GFs or wives i had (since i am a middle eastern). i said "none". he tried to know why and i answered because i am gay! he told me that i don't look gay and he wouldv'e never thought of it. i told him how should i act to be considered gay, and he laughed but didn't answer.

[Aeneas]

when someone asks you that question, ask them how do gays look, and you will get your answer.



i think people have different perceptions on what being gay is, but those who fail to answer usually think of gay as being overly feminine.

[Geminize]

All it means is that whoever says that has a narrow perception of what gay "looks like". It always surprises me that people still expect gay people to look or act a certain way, when their neighbor, teacher, priest, father etc. could easily turn out to be gay. Get over it!

I am neither offended nor flattered by that sort of thing -- just surprised that such narrow-mindedness is so common.

[Genersis]

I said it once a couple of years ago without thinking.(I was nervous)
Still feel stupid for saying it.

[Aeneas]

All it means is that whoever says that has a narrow perception of what gay "looks like". It always surprises me that people still expect gay people to look or act a certain way, when their neighbor, teacher, priest, father etc. could easily turn out to be gay. Get over it!

I am neither offended nor flattered by that sort of thing -- just surprised that such narrow-mindedness is so common.

you are only analysing this from your prespective.


most straight men don't have gay friends, nor do they attend gay clubs, gay meetings, gay gatherings....


all they see is TV shows which portray gays as feminine beings with flamboyant haircuts and what not, or gay parades and we all know how THEY look on TV.


yet they might cross tens or hundreds of gays in the street a day and never realised they just did.


YOU know that there are all sorts of gays out there, but because many "straight-looking" gays who like football are not *out* to everyone, you cant blame the mainstream people for not knowing they exist - or they know they exist but are surprised when they meet one.

and gays are also to blame. how many gay people have in fact straight male friends? not everyone. usually gay people hang out together or with female friends, which only contributes to this notion.

[Undreamt]

I find it amusing to reverse the situation. "Oh you mean your straight? I never would have guessed"

[OrphanPip]

I was once at a gay student group thing and some random guy said to me, "it's nice to see open minded straight guys here." I was amused, but also a little bit mortified.

[fjp999]

I was once at a gay student group thing and some random guy said to me, "it's nice to see open minded straight guys here." I was amused, but also a little bit mortified.

lol

Pretty funny!

On a completely different thread...

While leaving the train and entering the station I noticed an obviously confused pair of tourist in Tokyo. I had the time before work so stopped and asked if I could help them. I gave them the directions they needed and walked off toward the office.

I overheard them say "He spoke really good English!".

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I got that a lot more back in my 20's and 30's, this was back in the 1990's, the flames of AIDS Epidemic had burnt through a good chunk of the land and people were more aware of gays, unfortunately they were only aware of the 'known' gays, the 'flaming' type, you know effeminate, lispy, hairdresser type.

In 1998 the first episode of Will and Grace aired and suddenly we had a new 'gay icon' - No not Jack, Will. Will was far less flamboyant (he had his moments) and was more 'regular Joe', a lawyer type. That precipitated an 'awaking of the masses' that to be gay didn't mean you had to be a flamer, any guy would be 'a gay'.

We also had a flurry of 'manly men' coming out in the sports area around that time: http://espn.go.com/otl/world/timeline.html

The perceptions of what 'gay' is has slowly been changing. In 2000 Queer as folk had a group of 'normal gays' which range from flamboyant to 'straight acting' guys, causing a lot of people to rethink what 'gay is'. Sadly that show had way to much promiscuity and still painted 'gay' in a bad light.

Frankly I am surprised more that there are people in this, the second decade of the 21st century, who are unaware that gay comes in all forms. But then I guess most people haven't heard that Anderson Cooper is gay, or that there were 25 athletes in 2011 who came out gay and 10 more in 2012.

By and large the news people are to blame for the idea that gay = nelly queen, each year the Gay Parade is held they focus their f***king cameras on the float with the most flaming gays and totally ignore the long parade of 'straight acting' men and women who frankly you wouldn't know were gay if they were part of the parade.

Movies can be forgiven partway because yes, I am fully aware that straight acting gays lead painfully boring lives and watching a straight acting gay man 'conquer' the world is hard to separate from a straight guy doing the same thing. Still the movies are trying to tone it down a bit and 'normalize' the image of what 'gay is' without relying on heavy overtones of stereotypes.

We are still suffering from some of the stereotypes that was laid out in the Stonewall era 1969-1980. That whole thing was more about drag queens than gays - the laws against wearing other genders clothing was more the issue than who you screwed, because gays were predominately 'straight acting' and kept it on the down-low.

Drag-queens became our 'mascot'. The whole 70's saw a huge crowd of 'effeminate gay men' rise to the surface. It was a character adopted by many in order to make it clear that we are queer and we are here.

Prior to that era it was real hard to tell the gays from the straights - so hard that we adopted things like the pocket square to help identify - adopted by gays in the late 1800s as a way to discreetly 'flag' other gays. By 1920 was the must have item on every suit no matter your sexual preference. Most of the male fashions of the early 20th century were predominately adopted by gays first to discretely flag other potential gay men, soon to be stolen by straight men who were just too stupid to get the why this thing is in fashion. Oh and the straight guys are still stupid - no matter the fashion statement, they still adopt it when they see it on gay guys.

For some odd reason they didn't adopt the lisp, limp wrist... oh wait no I see a lot of 20 something and teens being more 'relaxed' than in my era.

Anyway, you are dealing with half a century or more now of preconceptions laid down via various means. The conception of masculinity has changed a lot since the start of the 20th century. Believe it or not effeminate men were the 'manly-men' of the roaring 20's - being a bit soft meant you were wealthy, dressing nice meant you were wealthy - thus being effeminate to one degree or another reflected on your wealth, not who you had sex with.

Two world wars 'butched up' 20th century man, giving us the stern, hard nosed fathers of the Post War Era and the idea that real men don't cry.

That is all falling apart and we are sliding into a more 'natural' yes men can cry.... And gays can be men....

[dfiant]

I say nothing and just shoot off a glare. The same as 'I would never have guessed, you seem so normal.', just a glare as comments like this come from uneducated people who based their ideas on stereotypes.

I never say it out loud because it isn't worth the effort, but I do think to myself 'Goodness, the only thing I do differently to straight men is I suck dick, and the only difference between me and your girlfriend is I don't have boobs and a vagina.'

The sad thing also is I can't refuse to pay tax because I don't believe in being dictated to, but I am forced to accept that my love earns less respect in the eyes of the law, and then someone will come along and say 'Lucky we live in a democratic society huh?'

Democratic? hmmm...looks a lot like extreme socialism to me.