depressed or just not into me anymore?

[boynextdoor]

I have known this guy for nine months. We were friends with benefits for seven of these although he wanted more and really wanted to commit to me. I was not sure as there is a 15 year age gap and I am 21. Even as fwbs we told each other we loved each other but I only found I wanted to commit three months ago now. However, one weekend I told him that we should delete our gaydar and grindr accounts now that we had committed. He replied that 'he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore?' I was shocked, he was way more into me for so long even though I now loved him. I questioned him and he said 'I don't know how or why but things have changed' I asked him if we were over - he replied 'we are not finished, I just need to reassess my life and need space to think as I am very unhappy with my life right now. The next day I questioned him further and asked him if he still had feelings for me and he said yes and that he just needed time to think and that everything would be ok. I was okay at this point as I did not feel too rejected but the next day he said 'I do not feel the same for you as I did before and I think we should stop seeing each other, am so sorry' I was devastated, he was always so loving towards me and now this...I asked him if there was anything I could do. He said no, that I was still the same person as when he met me. He agreed to give things another chance and take things slow. I met him the next day at his house and he said again 'the thing is I just don't feel the same anymore' and then he went on about how he threw his friend out for not paying rent, is not replying to his friends' text as he is sick of them and doesn't want to see them at the moment, how he is stressed with not having seen his 2 month old grand-daughter yet and because his daughter does not want to see him anymore (long story), his being unemployed for a year now and also his subsequent weight gain. So I said that maybe the depression is causing him to lose feelings for me where he replied 'I don't want to get in to that frame of mind. That night we tried to rekindle things; we had sex even though he was not that in the mood, he said he was not interested in sex anymore but would at moments want to find a one night stand on gaydar but would usually get bored of the idea (he was also chating on gaydar now but he said he was not looking for anyone but simply looking for chat)
The next week I texted him. He replied that everything was dull in life at the moment. He said that he now believed I could be right, that it could be the depression and that he wanted things to go back to how they were. The next day however, he changed his tune agian and when I asked him if he meant what he said, he asked me to stop asking questions and that he didn't have any idea what was going on. I was so confused
Right now it's 3 weeks later, I am a bit distraught, the last thing of note we texted about a week ago is that 'I need time and space to be able to be friends or anything with you right now, I am not seeing anyone or looking for anyone .
The most painful thing is that I logged into gaydar tonight and see his new status as 'looking to hook up later' I felt that a depressed person would not be looking for sex but maybe I am wrong? I just don't know whether to feel if he is depressed or simply not interested. If he is depressed, he is not using medication for it even though he suffered from it before (he told me it was a really dark place). Any help would be appreciated as I am so confused and sad as he is not answering my texts at the moment. sorry for the disorganisation on this post, my head is all over the place.

[dfiant]

honestly, he is not in the right place to commit to you. He is having a rough time with unemployment, friend and family issues so he is feeling rather low and right now the only thing that is picking him up is a root or the prospect of a root, and I am afraid it would seem that is all you were ever to him, just a pick-me-up shag.

I'm sorry you have been hurt, it truely is an aweful feeling, but now you are just going to have to let go and go through that process of anger, grief and acceptance before you can move on

[Geminize]

If anything, he is more confused than you. And yes, it sounds like he is struggling with serious depression. A depressed person might very well look for sex, but not want a relationship. He may be looking to hook up, or just chat to get away from his dark place.

Unfortunately, in his depression he is isolating from the best way out -- you and his other friends. Realize that he is not in a rational frame of mind at all. It's hard to make sense of his behavior, but that is his depression. You need to decide how much you are willing to help him. It may not be possible. It's up to him.

You should also protect yourself. If he has been hooking up with other guys, he may well be having unsafe anonymous sex. In his state, self-destructive behavior is common.

It's not easy to emotionally support someone through this kind of thing. He may need professional help. If he's been on medication for depression before, he knows this. Like I said though, he's not in a rational place. Make sure you take care of yourself if you try to help him out. I wish you both luck.

[rmf]

I have to be Frank with you... You met him on a book up site you also are 15 years younger than he is... You are also only 21 by reading your post it also seems like you were rushing in to this. whole thing maybe and you need to take a step back? And to play devils advocate... You were not in a monogamous relationship with him so you can't really get that upset for him looking to hook up with other guys...

[TomStatic]

Yeah i think u are thinking way yo far in it, if it was a hook up site never expect anyting more, just try go on a few dates with different guys to get ur mind of this one as it seams just a casual relationship that is not benifting u

[HomeagainNYC]

Take him at his word; let him find his way to where he needs to be, at this point in his life. You've told with him clearly, all you can, about how you feel and that you're there for him. If he does not take you up on your offer then, there is very little, if anything you can do. It appears that your FWB/relationship has run it's course.

I suggest you pause and reassess where you want to be in your life at this point, without your FWB, and start that journey, for your own well being.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If you were in you mid 30's you would get where he is coming from.

Not contacting friends, loss of job, loss of family, loss of roommate... This fella is not in a happy place.

Also he is 36 in 4 more years he is going to hit 40. The big Four-Oh plays mind tricks on a person, and with all of this recent loss in his life the point is being driven home that he has spent his youth and clearly he spent it poorly (in his mind, regardless of how well he really spent it - again 40 does tricks on the mind).

Depression is a "kick-you-while-you-are-down" sort of issue. Depression makes everything into shit - food tastes like shit, your life is shit, love is shit, job is shit - everything, up to and including the depression is shit. I know it well enough because every winter depression kicks in. I really feel horribly sad for people who have chronic or long term depression - at least I get breaks - they don't.

I strongly suggest you read up on depression and as a friend to a depressed person:

https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sugexp=les...55&bih=710

Lots of websites, start reading.

I would put this love/relationship thing on hold. What he needs most of all at this time is a stable friend - stable enough to where he can anchor himself. The last thing he really needs is to start a relationship until he figures out who he is, where he is and how he is going to manage to get out of these depressing situations.

I strongly feel that in this case it really, truly isn't you - it is him. There is enough here to demonstrate that he is being hit with several things at once and most likely needs a year or two to figure it all out and find his footing.

1-3 years isn't a long time to wait. Sure to you it seems like nearly forever, for us older folks its a drop in a hat.

You need to figure out right now how much time you are willing to invest. You can't go into this half way. Meaning you can't become that friend he needs then decide a few months or a year down the road to move on - That could easily lead to terminal depression - meaning he could suicide if his anchor in life suddenly up and vanishes.

I hope you understand just how serious this ^^^ can be.

If you can't see yourself facing a couple/few years of being the 'whipping boy' - meaning having him dump on you, lean on you, depend on you and hold up under the coming insults, lashing out and other potentials, then now is the time to push off and leave him be.

[pellaz]

some peeps are strong on employment, family, the basic issues and some are not. How would you react, if you are the strong one offer your services to him in the language he can understand? So stay as close as you want or can and help him out.

Age is a big issue with me:
i have a 28year old daughter from a straight marriage) and the 15years is big. Being 40years old these days is no big (if he took care of himself) but somewhere along in life it will catch up to him 15 years before it will you. You will watch him middle age for 15 years and die before you get there. sorry for the drama.

[MisterTinkles]

He's having a mid-life crisis.

Nothing you can do about it. He has to work through this all on his own.
The only thing you can do, is just be a friend to him until he straightens things out in his head and in his life.

Dont push him, dont be a nuisance, dont act needy....this will just make things worse for him.
Just be his backup for when he needs to "vent" or a shoulder to cry on.
Dont take things so literally if he does blow up at you or tell you off....its all a part of getting your head situated.

There is also no time limit on this sort of thing. He could be figuring things out for a week, month, or years.

Just be somebody he can rely on when things get bad for him. Give him lots of leeway and understanding.

You will know when he's gotten himself straightened out.

[boynextdoor]

thanks guys, some amazing responses. thanks for taking the time out of your day to give me some good advice