My boyfriend's best friend annoys me

[oohnow]

Hey guys,

So when I first met my boyfriend's best friend (let's call her Chelsea) I thought she was cool, but now almost 8 months later I find that she gets more annoying each time I'm around her!

She is a Debbie Downer, since I first met her she complained about how she will be single forever and no one will love her (which is why I encouraged my boyfriend to invite her along when we did certain things) but now I can't handle her.

I'm feeling like a crappy boyfriend because lately I get upset whenever he says, "Hey can I invite Chelsea along? or "I invited Chelsea to come with us." He doesn't do this often, only when he knows we are going somewhere casual that isn't focus on just him and me. Like tonight for example, we are meeting some other friends and he invited her along to come with us then the 3 of us would go back to his place afterwards. I don't know why but I got sooo mad when he told me she'd go back with us to his place afterward. It's not that I want to get it on or just have sex with him afterward (even though I'd like that)...I just want us to spend time alone since we only get the weekends to really focus on us! I didn't tell my bf anything, I replied to the text saying cool sounds like fun! and then I immediately joined this forum to vent lol. This wouldn't happen before but I've noticed that every time we are with her she tends to just complain and nag so I am dreading tonight.

I know she gets jealous at times because before my boyfriend met me, they were the last two of their friends to be single. So after we began to have a serious relationship, my bf told me she'd say, "Didn't you just see him yesterday?". I'm also peeved because these past months have been extra busy for our relationship with work and school so my boyfriend and I only get to hangout on the weekends and maybe see each other once during the week. She is always able to see him during the week since she lives in the same neighborhood as him. I know it's wrong for me to feel upset because she is his best friend, she's alone, etc. but I don't think she really likes me unless we all hangout together. If she finds out we have plans alone she won't stop texting him!

I might sound clingy, whiny, or a bad boyfriend but I can't help but feel frustrated with her! I'm doing what I feel is right, and that's to go tonight with the best attitude and enjoy the night but some days I really can't stand her! Why can't she just hangout with us then leave us alone in peace. We don't try to make her feel like a 3rd wheel so why does she always act like everyone around her is in love and she's forever alone? Eh.

Should I just suck it up?

[Chase]

Nobody is perfect. Dale Carnegie's "How to Make Friends and Influence People" - she should probably read it, but, you know, there are some stuff in it you can use on her.
Truth be told, the world is a heck. What with, you know, people and what not
But most of us just learn to live with it. People influence others. I guess if you try being as positive as you can around her, she'll start to slowly become more and more positive.

[SolemnBoy]

I understand how you feel and I understand how she feels. I'd accept her whining (after all the feeling of being the only single person in a circle of friends can be pretty lonely) but she shouldn't drag everyone's mood down with her complaints. If she crosses the line with the whining you need to tell her to drop it though. You might want to talk to your boyfriend about it as well to see if he has similar thoughts.

[pellaz]

the third one out is always at risk.

[dfiant]

No, she is the third wheel, so it isn't you that should be sucking it up.

I think you need to discuss your feelings with your BF so you can establish boundaries between the 3 of you.

[Rainbowmum]

Third wheel almost always causes trouble ,one way or another.

If at all possible find her a boyfriend , more than that find out how your boyfriend feels about her hanging around all the time.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

I think you're feeling the pressure because the time between you and the bf has become limited recently, which also makes it more precious.

She is eating into that time you both have together, therefor she's becoming a distraction.

You have two options really:

1. Plan activities in your time together where its not appropriate for her to be the gooseberry.
2. Sit down and TALK to your bf about the situation and explain how your feeling.

There is a risk associated with option 2. He clearly hasn't caught the vibe that your unhappy with the way things are currently. Just be gentle with him after all, she is his friend. Why not discuss having a Chealsea day once a month as a compromise

Good Luck!

ObW
X

[HomeagainNYC]

I didn't tell my bf anything, I replied to the text saying cool sounds like fun!

What you're doing is setting the stage for drama.

As most of the others have advised - talk to him. Truthful communication is one of the foundation principals of a good relationship.

Willing compromise - by one or the other, sometimes even both people, in a relationship - is another one of those foundation principals.

Misleading your partner, is not, one of the foundation principals of a good relationship - no matter how good your intentions are/were.

[Aeneas]

ah, most refreshing topic. it departs from the usual "i dont know if i/he am/is gay but how do i make him fall in love with me?".


what you first need to establish is whether you dislike this debbie downer because of her personality, or because she is interfering with your quality time with your boyfriend.

perhaps the latter has influenced the former: you resent the fact she is in your presence more often than not and your opinion of her has gone downhill as a result. after all, after 8 months in a relationship you feel its time its *you* who should be the center of his universe, without room for debbie downer.

the second thing you need to realise is that weekdays are not the same as weekends. debbie downer might see him monday to friday, but that time will never be as good as spending a friday or saturday evening with him.

i totally sympathise with you i really do. but your Bf appears to like her company and interested in keeping her as a friend. have you considered that he is taking debbie downer along to be with you? what if he should say he would split his weekend to spend a day alone with his friends (and/or debbie downer) and the other day with you? would that be acceptable to you?

because if it *is* her personality you dislike, perhaps this could be a good option for you. let him be alone with debbie downer whilst you enjoy time with your friends.

if, on the other hand, its her disruption you dislike, you should really take a trip down the "am i being selfish?" lane and see if perhaps this is the solution your boyfriend found to have *you* tag along whilst he is with his friend(s).

life has to be a balance. of course, you better than anyone in this forum will know if debbie downer is indeed totally irrational in the time she expects your BF spend with her. perhaps she too would like some time with him alone as well.

you are his boyfriend, and that means *part* of his life. *not* his life.

finally, *stop* telling him its cool when its not. you are giving him a pat on the back for something he is doing you dislike. trust me this will not end well. for one your resentment will increase in time and second he will start doing it more often as he thinks you are OK with it, or even delighted with the idea.

[rover330]

this kind of reminds me of a situation that broke up a partner of 5 years and me, only it wasn't a a friend of his, it was his mom.

when it became understood that his mom was the third party in our relationship, she would be over every morning at 9 and pretty much live with us even though she had her own apartment a couple of miles away, when we went out on a date Mom would be coming along... I drew a line in the sand and asked my bf at the time if he wanted to spend time with his mom or me.

He and his mother are very happy together, I moved out and she moved in. He's 41, she is 65. They will probably be happy together for the rest of their lives.

Nothing wrong with having friends, just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you give up your life or your family or your friends. I guess my question would be, is there jealousy going on here, either on your part or hers?