My EX wants me to change

[pellaz]

... I am really hurting ...

a lot has been said here on the constructive side and you have not initially given us everything, in fairness, you said he hasnt told you much. Just a wild conjecture; maybe he had someone else on the side?
I dont think you have gotten over the X, given the time frame on all this, you would be healthier if you could consider doing this.

you cant be everything to everyone, just be your self. People change through time so:
-if you really want to do something like quit smoking go for it.
-long term relationships, both you and your partner change through time. Both are trying for a moving target so not a bad idea to practice and break the mold from time to time just to say you can. Really listen to what people say what is good and bad in your life.
If they say anything.
If they are accurate.

[tomking]

Thanks so far guys.

Towards the end I wanted to leave him, ironically. I imagine my lack of interest showed..The reason I wanted to leave him was because he was so damn quiet...he never would open up and he isn't a great talker...Now again ironically this is one of the reasons I miss him so much. I love that he is complex and it takes time to understand him. That's sexy. Rather than an idiot you know everything about in two minutes, know what I mean?

For the last few months I would cancel or space out when we met. As I was drinking heavily and did not want him to see me like that. Of course he did. Obviously you would think this would be the MAIN reason for the break up but I don't believe so..I am healthier now and don't drink anymore. Thank god.

I don't think he had anybody else on the side...It would hurt if he had...

I remember he did tell me he had to follow his head not his heart when it came to me. He said this when I asked him if he still loved me as he said then why could we not work things out and be together..he said his heart made no difference it just wouldn't work.

When I look back I wasn't a great boyfriend for the last few months.

I just cannot get closure. I have tried so hard many, many times and I guess at the moment I am just so melancholic.

So I have decided I am going to paint a series of works and give him one. As I am a painter. I am going to have it in an expensive frame. Behind the frame will be a note written on expensive paper I have already bought...Of course if he meets me and takes the painting he will never read or know the note is there..It is more for me to know that there is a part of me in his life for the future. Maybe it sounds ridiculous. However this is the last shot I have. Maybe he will find the art romantic and because I am healthier now, healthy weight, better groomed, know more about myself we will date again.

Just hurts so much. i want him here right now. The thought of him right now with another man dating both tears me apart but also I know I should feel happy for him if it was the case. As he would be happy. OMG. So confused.

[HomeagainNYC]

I'm not quite sure why you're putting yourself through all of this.

If someone tells you that they want something from you, in this case - you to change in some way, but refuses to tell you what it is they want you to change, then what they are doing is setting up the exchange, between the two of you, for failure.

It's an impossible situation for you; eight months later, you're still agonizing over trying to guess what he wanted, meanwhile he's moved on.

I suggest you do the same, for your own sanity.

[tomking]

well he hasn't moved on with anybody else and I know he still loves me...reading back through messages he says we are too different that he doesn't like my carelessness, drinking, smoking etc but I have changed all that. For myself...So I see no reason why we could not try again.

[HomeagainNYC]

well he hasn't moved on with anybody else and I know he still loves me...reading back through messages he says we are too different that he doesn't like my carelessness, drinking, smoking etc but I have changed all that. For myself...So I see no reason why we could not try again.

If you are correct - then present the new you to him and ask him to come back. His answer or lack thereof should give you your closure - one way or another.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I had a partner who was a non-smoker (ex-smoker) and it pretty much came out at the end of the relationship that he had planned on causing me to stop. He was going to 'help me' by 'fixing' my little problem.

It didn't work. It became a bone of contention, a point of nagging and he was frustrated because the harder he tried to get me to quit the more I dug my heels and and flat refused to give it up.

As for the bottom/top/versatile thing - you are a bottom - period. You are not a bottom who tops on command. You are not a versatile person, you are a bottom. That is you - no guy you are with should demand you top them or 'work on it'. Role in bed is part of your character, your personality - there is a lot more than just the act of sex attached to this.

There are healthy changes one can make to suit their partner - more often than not these are compromises and yes there are relationships where BOTH parties make minor changes in self to become an "us".

Going back to the smoking. Do you want to quit? IF yes then you can consider trying to stop the habit (it is a dirt, filthy expensive habit and most likely will kill you). This can be a compromise/changing point where a supportive partner can help you to quit (if possible), but it shouldn't be one of those points where they set out right from the stop to 'improve' you by making you quit.

This is an Ex - this relationship was tried, it failed it is over. Move on.

I don't buy into the whole 'give love a second chance' - more often than not the issue(s) that lead to the break up never get resolved and the couple end up going down the same path. Besides which, there are resentments planted and those end up being far bigger than the original problem.

You ain't going to stop smoking until you want to. You ain't gonna top him until you want to, and he ain't gonna start talking until he wants to. clearly neither of you want to budge on these topics.

Move on, cut him off totally until you get that love out of your system.

When will you know that that love is gone? When you feel indifferent about him.

Anger/hate is not the opposite of love - indifference is.

So the day that comes when someone drops his name and you feel nothing about it - you can then contact him and try to be friends if you want to. You most likely will discover that being 'just friends' is not something you want either.

[tomking]

Thanks so far for your advice.

Can I just clarify a point..I psychologically do want to be versatile/top..I want to be top..I am just resigned to bottom because I cannot get hard enough to top a guy...It's not because I do not want to top.

[tomking]

Yes one of his projects looking back was to stop me smoking...however I have quit smoking now and I thank him for wanting me to be healthier..a sacrifice I am happy to make for him and me

[pellaz]

have I a feel of how bad you could have been?
am i correct sir?
sorry.

[tomking]

Well I do not know. You tell me?

We first met and I was drunk in the afternoon. We had sex...then left it for a month over the Christmas...He wanted to meet me and I wanted to see him again. When we met again he fell in love fast and wanted to see me everyday. i rejected that I thought {remember at this point I didn't really know him} was being obsessive, or I was worried he would be dependant..Anyway after the first week we reguarly met, had dinners, went to art galleries etc and I was sober for about three or four months...Then i started to drink again and of course I imagine my focus and energy and love was for alcohol. Not him..I showed him a documentary of alcoholics which is really powerful. He would watch it in bed with me if I wanted to. But he was unaffected by it.

The reality and perhaps in posting it has helped me further udnerstand. He is very clean living. No drugs. No or very minimal alcohol. Very reserved. Very clean living and clean cut I suppose..At that time I was just a wild drunk.

However you have to remember he has said this was not the main reason for breaking up...perhaps he cannot see a future because he thinks I am too wild and irresponsible etc. Maybe thats the change he needs.

I think I am strong enough to maintain giving up those excesses for both myself {it aint no fun being a full blown alcoholic for long} for him.

I am going to give it one last shot in a month or so..If he will even reply to a message let alone meet me. I just feel through talking with you so far {and please post more opinions} that now when I meet him I understand what he wants and now because of that I can say to him I get it and thats what I want to and this is what I have done about it because I care for myself and I care for you...