We are giving you advice, but you are hell bent on 'changing for him' and absolutely convinced that he loves you that the only advice you are going to listen to is the advice that YOU want to hear.
You are looking for VALIDATION, you are not looking for ADVICE.
Figure it out for yourself matey 
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
Sounds like he wanted to change you to HIS idea of what he thinks is good for HIM...not you.
Regardless of emotions and feelings, he definately sounds like a user....and that can end up badly, as you have already found out.
Apparently both of you refuse to compromise in anything, so you can never be a happy couple.
I would say, let him go, leave him alone, or if you can just be friends, then just be friends.
Otherwise, let him go and get on with your own life, he is only going to drag you down and keep you depressed.
Which may be his goal in the first place, since he's a user.
•
I asked my friends about what I had wrote online..They said it was probably the way I worded it unintenionally.
Well I can only continue to get healthier for myself and then contact him to see what happens I guess...
•
I barely skimmed over everyone else's replies, so I apologize if I end up repeating someone else's thoughts.
Regarding the whole "Changing for someone else" thing, here's how I feel about that.
Change is inevitable. You will eventually change on your own because you want to, or because life demands it of you. When people say that you shouldn't change for anyone, I believe they're only half right.
Being in a relationship requires you to change, even just a little bit. Being in a relationship is different than being single, because you're now thinking of someone else's wants and needs besides just your own. You are (idealistically) putting those wants and needs ahead of your own (or at least equal). So, that in itself is change.
The change that should be avoided, are changes that go against who you are as a person. For example, if you are a quiet, stay at home kind of guy and you end up with someone who likes to go to loud and raucous parties a lot, you shouldn't change yourself to accomodate that aspect of your partner. Should you NEVER go out to one of those parties with him/her? No, I believe you should go sometimes. But it's not who you are to enjoy that very much, so don't try to force it or else you're gonna be unhappy (which will led to partner being unhappy).
However, in the case of something like Quitting Smoking (to use your own personal example), I believe that's something to be considered. There is absolutely nothing good about Smoking whatsoever. It costs money, it damages your health, and has negative effects on the environment and people near you. Is this such a bad change to consider?
To some people, (probably most) any form of criticism is instantly taken as an insult and you try to brush it off and justify yourself. This isn't very productive though. Try to look at what's being asked of you, and whether or not you would feel comfortable doing it, whether it's good for you or not, and if it's true to who you are as a person.
I have changed a good deal for my Fiance, and not because she was demanding it of me. She let me know what made her unhappy, and I worked on trying to do those things less. Things like shutting off the TV or my computer at night without asking her if she was done watching the shows and was ready to go to bed. Something simple like that, but so many of you have said "Don't change for anyone", but was that such a bad change to make, to be more considerate?
Just food for thought. I'm happy with who I am now, as a result of the changes I've made to myself. The changes made me a better person, and I didn't make them lightly. I made them because I wanted to make my Fiance happy, and because I believed that they were the right thing to do.
•
Thank you for your reply.
I was just so self absorbed with my drinking in the end when I was with him I could never be a boyfriend to anyone...He is a very extremely quiet person. Where I like people but can find it difficult to make new friends he told me he has friends but cannot stand being with them. He doesn't like it. I asked my friend and she said maybe he is a sociopath. Not in a dangerous murder way. But just that he doesn't want to connect with other human beings except his boyfriend. Of course she has never met him so that is just one thought she had.
My friend also say to me he try in so many ways to tell me he wants nothing more, directly, not replying messages etc. I do not want to sell myself short or paint myself as someone obsessed and sending lots of messages to him btw. It is not like that at al..We have not spoken for about one month.
It may have been last August since we split up...through my work life, finding new flat and generally drinking on and off heavily up until a month ago I have not had time to process this as I should.
Who knows maybe he still thinks about me or maybe he thinks about me not at all..Maybe he is spending easter with another guy all loved up..I think about what he is doing sometimes but try not to as I will never know the answer this way and it is not healthy for me to do so.
So I will frame a drawing for him along with a canvas and once I have increased my weight and know I am truly changed for myself for the better will contact him.
I just wonder is it love or the fear of letting go of someone you once loved and all the memories that went with it/. I really believe we have more happy times ahead.
•
I was nodding my head to everything you wrote....until I got to this bit.
ZackT Wrote:However, in the case of something like Quitting Smoking (to use your own personal example), I believe that's something to be considered. There is absolutely nothing good about Smoking whatsoever. It costs money, it damages your health, and has negative effects on the environment and people near you. Is this such a bad change to consider?
the money and health negative impacts are an educated choice that a smoker makes so no one has the right to walk upto any smoker and say 'You know how bad smoking is for your health? you should consider giving up.' That is just plain rude and egotistical.
Some people enjoy their smoking for whatever reason they may enjoy it and no one has the right to take that away from anyone, and no one has the right to make someone feel guilty for enjoying smoking.
You know what, the average life expectancy has increased over the years, and it is not unheard of, in fact it is rather common that a smoker will out live the average life expectancy. Yeah they may die from 'smoking related illness' so what....at 80 something year old you are always going to die from some sort of lifestyle choice related illness.
Sorry, but no one has the right to ask, demand or expect anyone else to give up smoking. The choice to smoke or quit is entirely up to the smoker themself.
•
to dfiant
I appreciate your time and all your advice so far...Thank you so much I really mean that...However my view has changed when I was with him I wish I had given up smoking for him because I now know he is far more important to me than putting a cigarette into my mouth...I might crave cigarettes for a few months but I still crave him 8 months later.
•
Tom, if you don't move on the only person that is going to suffer is you.
•
I just read the posts, and while i'm not a psychologist, you sound a bit like Narcissistic. There is alot of "i want, i want, i want" undertones in your posts, and the post where you talked about the painting, you used the words "expensive" to describe the paper and the frame.
Your anxiety, i feel, comes from the fact that you crave his attention, your'e not getting it, and it frustrates you - to the point of pain and self-destructive behavior (acting out to get attention - but not the kind of attention HE ever liked in you).
Personally, i think MENTALLY you call yourself a "bottom" because its a way of receiving the attention you soooo crave. I only say this because i had a friend who couldn't get a hardon when he was with a guy, and thought that's why he was a bottom. After going thru therapy, it was all about CONTROL and ATTENTION - nothing genetic - it was a subconscious decision and that's why he couldn't get hard. Plus, as a narcissist, if you TOP, then the BOTTOM is getting the attention - something YOU WANT!
And finally, a narcissist is constantly seeking attention and validation. Your EX was a quiet and introspective person - and you viewed him as a CHALLENGE! To MAKE him TALK to you about YOU - and yet, he shared very little...but I'm also guessing he shared alot more with you then you're giving him credit for. I'm betting you just dismissed what he said because it wasn't what you wanted to hear.
He's probably the ONLY man in your life who didn't give you the attention you crave - and you want to know why....but he's not going to give you that satisfaction.
My advice? Find a good therapist and find out whats going on in YOU that makes you act and think the way you do. I'm betting there's something that's driving all this - and it has NOTHING REALLY to do with your ex. Perhaps you didn't get the attention from your mom and or dad in teh past. Maybe you had a sibling that got all the attention and you didn't. But my gut tells me there's something deeper at play here and until you get help figuring out what that is and working past it, not much is going to change in your life - especially relationship-wise.
•
I've been following this thread off and on, so I sort of lost the continuity and frankly I don't want to go back and see if this has already been addressed.
I'll just throw it out there--
On the topic of WANTING to top, but being unable: Smoking and drinking will definitely interfere with your ability to achieve and MAINTAIN an erection--as will overall physical fitness.
If this is really important, then forget about all the peripheral issues about smoking and drinking (the control of others, your health, the expense, etc.) and focus on your SEX LIFE.
If it would make you happy to be a top, then start working on it by reducing nicotine and alcohol and increasing your activity level.
Personally speaking my sex drive goes up when I workout. I'm not a smoker, but I do drink.
As for people generally changing over time. Well, we cannot change anyone, but people do change...It's one of those little paradoxes in life.
Good luck.
•
|
My EX wants me to change
