Player? Liar? Crazy? ALL THREE? What is this dude's deal?!

[di0rh0mme]

Hey everyone,

New guy here - and really new to the dating scene, which is why I need advice and found myself here on this forum!

OK! So, to provide a bit of context - I'm 22, the guy in question is 40-something. Didn't realize that until our date, although typically I don't mind guys that are somewhat older but I digress. We met on Grindr, (gay dating app for those unaware) and after chatting back and forth for about 3 weeks on the app; we decide to head on a first date.

We really hit it off on the first date, which I ended with a hug (although I think he may have wanted a peck - but hey, I'm a bit on the shy side) and for the next week or so; we kept texting back and forth and planned to set up a second date. All the while, he is texting me things like "I was thinking about you this morning", calling me handsome; etc...all which would lead me to think he's interested. On a Thursday, he proposed a second date (a movie) and we agree to arrange details and head out that Friday.

So, we haven't chat yet on the Friday until about 3:00PM, at which point he texts me to suddenly cancel because he's made the last minute choice to fly out to his second home in on the West Coast last minute (yes he has multiple homes - this guy is very well off financially, which will become relevant in a moment...) and has to cancel on me. So, obviously I'm a bit bummed out by this, but I mean, no big deal I suppose.

That following Tuesday, I text him to see how his week is coming along and to see what he may be up to for the week. At that point, this is message I get back, verbatim:

> "Hey A***! I have to admit to you that I met a guy that has literally swept me off my feet. I'm really quite stunned about how it all happened and how quickly. I know it's probably not what you really want or expected to hear, and I hope we can still see each other and hang out as friends, but he and I have both committed to not date anyone else as we have high hopes for the future together. I also wanted to be honest with you because I like and respect you."

HUH!?!

So, of course I respond that I don't have a problem with that - although it's just a little odd that *HE* was proposing a second date to *ME* barely 4 days prior...

The other part that confuses me is after that initial "someone else" message he's still texting me things like "Hey handsome" and "sweet dreams" and such. He invited me to some lame event he was going to, but didn't work for me schedule-wise. UGH! I mean that could be just being friend, but if there's someone else and he knows I'm interested isn't that a bit off? I'm so confused.

More confusing still, is in the midst of all this, before our Mr. Questionable leaves on a vacation, he sends me this text message.

> "Back March 6. Then we should meet up and pick up where we left off!"

Sooo, this just leaves me thinking...am I back in the game now? Is he interested once again? WTF.Not all that surprisingly, while on this cruise he apparently meets "the love of his life", who lives in Texas - we live in Toronto, Canada...this guy makes an entire Facebook album of new guy, the works. LUNACY!

In any case, once I text him after the cruise to see how it went (and make sure to acknowledge "the boyfriend" (see below) I get what is either a blatant lie, a jealousy tactic, or they're both just plain crazy

> "Thanks. Good to be back. Caught a BRUTAL cold/flu but starting to feel a bit better now. Big news is that S****** actually moved from Austin TX to Toronto this weekend Yes. We fell in love that fast and literally after spending 24/7 together for 3 weeks we decided this was right. It's a major both for both of us."

What's new w you?

Ummm - well, hearing THAT bull**** news is what's new with me, bro. You're telling me this dude ditched a house/apt, job, etc. all to move in with a guy he's known for three weeks...in a foreign country where he can't get a job, bank account, healthcare, legally live, etc? I may be younger than you, but I'm not stupid...

To make the remainder of this story rather short, I made the mistake of including him in a text message where I referred to him as "Old Scumbag" as a contact name...to which he responded

Well. Gotta say that really stings. So be well and maybe we'll bump into each other again sometime.

Obviously, I do some maaaaajor damage control and probably make a *deadly* mistake when the next morning (presuming he'll never talk to me again) tell him everything and dodge the bullet by saying my friends put that name into my phone. If you want the blow-by-blow, here's the message:

> Hey J****, no doubt I'm not the guy you want to hear from this morning, but I'm all about transparency, and so I wanted to really just be open about this whole situation. I'd rather you think I'm lame, stupid or a loser based on facts rather than resentful or bitter based on words that weren't mine. I cant tell you how ****ty I feel about that whole text message last night and just wanted to put my cards on the table...

> As I'm sure you gather, I really had an awesome time when we hung out that first time. No doubt you have also experienced the fact that it's difficult to meet other guys with a sense of drive and who are "self made" in our community, not to mention who have achieved as much as you have - and that's a big part of why I really clicked with you...not to mention the fact you're really interesting to talk to and a lot of fun! To be honest it's not always easy for me to relate as well with other guys around me who are into petty drama and 'the scene' or whatever and not going much of anywhere with themselves; and so I was really glad we got the chance to hang out, and was pretty excited when you asked if we'd like to hang out again since I was looking forward to getting to know you better.

> While I know and can appreciate how busy your travel schedule is, it was somewhat disappointing you cancelled on short notice when we were going to hang out that second time. That next Tuesday as you may be able to imagine, it came as something of a surprise and I was really hurt, perhaps even feeling a bit confused when you told me You were "swept off your feet" with a new guy, especially in light of the fact I had presumed we were hanging out just 72 hours prior. Happy for you all the same, but to say it stung would be putting it rather lightly.That left me to confide in my friends who were quick to come to my defense and is where that cruel, immature nickname - that I should have never let them type and regret like no other - came from. I'll spare the "woe is me" chatter but will just leave it to saying I was rather upset that night and my friends wanted to do what they could to have my back and cheer me up.

> I know prior to meeting S****** you mentioned we may want to pick up where we left off; which I may have misinterpreted as there being potential interest there. With that being said, in light of the previous communication following your weekend trip to Las Vegas it did leave me somewhat confused.

> I'm really thrilled for you and S****** and I can tell the two of you really hit it off which is great!

> You, of course, weren't the intended recipient of that message on Monday evening. I'll be the first to admit I'm not very experienced nor confident when it comes to talking with other guys; especially in such a scenario where I felt there may have been interest but turned into being friends (which is totally fine by me!) and seek advice of trusted friends about how to communicate with you without seeming lame or clueless. No doubt they wouldn't approve of me sending this to you right now but I don't care.

> I would still hope, despite what is a less-than-mature action of petty name calling on the part of my friends and I, that we can remain friendly; and perhaps see each other on occasion. At the very least, perhaps a source of mentorship as I grow my own company.

> So anyways man, that's all my cards on the table for you. Maybe I'll hear from you again sometime. Wishing you the best J****...

To which, he responded:

> "Hi A***. Thanks for your candid and open note. It's very mature of you to be so frank and I appreciate it. Let's stay in touch as I would provide providing some business mentoring to you. You're a very smart man and I enjoy sharing my perspective whenever I can. I will hit you up when I get back April 15. Cheers."


A few fun facts about Mr. Questionable:

- He has personal calling cards (yes, for him, not a business card) and a tattoo of his own name (as in, first AND last..) Ego much?
- His entire FB of 600-some friends is 85%+ young guys my age
- When he announced this new, cruise-ship-boyfriend AKA "Love of his life"...a comment saying "whatever" was left by a dude my age. Another dude my age 'liked' it. Seems odd, no?!

(Sidenote: I'm growing my small business, Mr. Questionable runs a very, very large business. In any case...)

So, where do i stand? Am I being played? What the hell kind of game is this? "Business mentorship" = guise under which to keep me on the back-burner until this new "Texas boyfriend" drops (which I'm sure he will much sooner than later)?

1) What the hell are his intentions?
2) I would seriously question the legitimacy of this new "cruise ship boyfriend"
3) The timing of these events seems especially convenient

I don't even know if this the realm of being a player/mind games, or just straight-up crazy?! I'm beyond confused...

[MisterTinkles]

Break all ties with this douchebag immediately and permanently!!!

This loser, yes he IS a complete LOSER and should have an "L" branded on his forehead, is wasting your time.

He is a PLAYER and he is stringing you along in case this "other" guy doesnt work out.

Ive met plenty of these scumbags before.

They think because they have money, that entitles them to have a boy in every port. These asses will play these guys until they see whats really going on, or until they get dumped by these douches.

This asswipe is doing nothing but using you for his own purposes. Everything he texted you is nothing more than lies to keep you "attached" to his headgame he is playing.

Unless you want to be a paid-for whore, then you need to get away from this piece of crap AS FAST AS POSSIBLE!!! If you want to be a paid-for whore, then you will have to get used to this....beause this is the modus operandi of these types.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yeah sounds like a loser.

Try OK cupid, its free, lots of guys who seem to be looking for relationships (only)...

[Counselor]

I don't know, this guy seems pretty cool for someone only interested in putting notches on his apparently widespread bedposts.

[Geminize]

I'm with Tinkles on this. If I were you, I'd cut this guy off. You're 22 and it feels great to have the attention of a successful older guy. All the things you have shared about him are major red flags, however. The scenario of him and his cruise ship boyfriend is just crazy. Possible, but not likely. Trust your gut on that one. Even if it is true, do you want to be the one he keeps on the hook in case his new "love" doesn't work out?

He has his own name tattooed?! That's a first for me. That tells you who comes first in his mind, and another red flag.

If I were to guess I'd say you're being played, and this guy burns though young lovers faster than you can imagine.

[dfiant]

do not see this guy again, do not contact this guy again. Delete all evidence of him from your phone, facebook and other social networks.

This man is VERY dangerous.

No love is complete in 3 weeks, NEVER, that's is lust. This older guy lusts after younger guys, uses them as trophy boyfriends and then moves onto the next.

He will always say what you need to hear 'Hi handsome', 'How are you sexy.' it's a trap and a game, stay away from the scumbag.

[Aeneas]

i believe many of us have come across behaviours such as this - to one extent or the other.

the clue is to pick up on them as early as possible and sever all ties with these lunies (which are abundant).


as tempting as it might be, trying to understand them is a futile attempt, and a waste of time. most of the time there is no logic behind this and had it been something you did or said, you would know what it was the minute it was done.

the key here is to extract the point that really matters - he told you he fell for someone else. why would he tell you this? - because he is no longer interested in you emotionally / sexually. whilst everything else said is a lie (clearly), this much is true.

you should have never let all the "handsome, sweetie, pumpkin" he throws around cloud your mind. on the contrary, you should have been extra careful.