Seek your advise~~~

[Loser]

Hi all, its my first time here in this forum.
I m straight woman who have a boyfriend together with for 9 years. Last year he proposed to me, and we're about to marry and start a family by this coming June. Everything goes well, he is really a very honest and nice family guy to me. My families love him very much so as his family to me. Everything seems perfect in my life.
For the past 9 years relationship for staying together, i entrusted full trust on him including his personal life with friends. Until last month, i found his secret while i m playing the Candy Crush in his phone...a special apps attract my attention, out of curiosity, I tried to read thru a few message of him with his friends, and found its a gay chat app. After that, he admitted he is a bi thru the conversation and enjoying the sex with them. Moreover he sounds very familiar with all type of toys for fun.

I can never believe this is the man that i lived together with 9 years, and who is going to get marry with me. After that, we had a long talk for his confession over this. He admitted that he used to feel attracted by both gender since his secondary school day. Yet, he chosen me to be the one to live together for the rest of his life. Until two years ago, he met a gay friend who brought him to a gay pub, he said he enjoyed the feeling of being flirt by guy, and he started his bi life to have sex with several guys, he enjoying the cuddling, kissing with man.

Together with him for so many years, he used a quite low sexual drive man. For the past, i do understand that it may due to stressed work life. But now i think i found the true reason behind of this all.

He told me this suppose be a closed chapter after we got marry. he used a traditional and high morality man to me. Rationally, i do understand it was very hard for him to found that he is a bi and it took lotsa courage to walk out and explore himself to others.

He is good man to me and i appreciate him so much for past 9 years. I do love him very much, but i wish the best for him. But i m confused...
Now he chosen to be with me and lead the straight life. But rationally, i do understand that sometimes this is beyond the control of anyone for not craving for another rounds of fun with other guys. i don't want he struggling over this in any future time with me, and i dont wish to become a bitch to spy on him anytime, anywhere crazily.

I do not know anything about bi. I have tried to reach a few article online to know better about this, but i got no advise on this. Hence, i would like to seek your precious advise here to lead me thru for better understanding on bi and their mind.

Appreciate it.

[Kiid]

You sound like a total babe to me. Change your name to babe not loser. And this is stuff I might be able to give you my opinion. He cheated. Do you feel like he cheated because I feel like a cheated. And it sounds like he cheated. No matter straight, bi, gay that's no reason to cheat. :C
I'm sorry.

Edit:
Do you think you could see him as an honest man again?

[LateBloomer]

You trusted him.

But he had a secret.

And now that trust is broken.

If it were me, I would always be wondering if he was seeing other people I don't know about.

This is a very difficult situation. I'm sure he's a good man to you, but apparently he's NOT the man you thought him to be.

Suggestion: postpone the wedding until your confusion goes away. In the meantime, maybe you can grow to trust him again.

Good luck.

[jamiebfd]

Hi, first i say welcome to you.
I find it hard reading a post like this. Many times i have heard this story. A man ignores his true desires for years and gets married, has children and everything is fine. Then....one day....he remembers his desires and decides to act on them and breaks the family up because he can no longer ignore the urges.
As much as he loves you and he promises you he will be faithfull after marriage, you MUST remember.....he wasnt faithfull before marriage. HOW can you trust him?
Without trust a relationship will not work.
I believe he will still go with men and lie to you in the future.
If he can do it now....he will do it in the future.
You love him....its hard
BUT...how hard will it be if you stay for another 9 years and it happens again?
Do you REALLY want to take that risk?

You seem like a wonderfull lady and you dont deserve to be hurt! When you make the choice...do what is best for YOURSELF.
It is YOUR happiness that matters now. You owe him nothing after he was bad to you.
Be happy!! i wish you all the best.
Please come back and stay friends with us on gayspeak.
Thank you

[Kiid]

And you would have to make sure he gained that trust. don't just give it to him. He has to earn it.

[cardiganwearer]

Hi, first i say welcome to you.
I find it hard reading a post like this. Many times i have heard this story. A man ignores his true desires for years and gets married, has children and everything is fine. Then....one day....he remembers his desires and decides to act on them and breaks the family up because he can no longer ignore the urges.
As much as he loves you and he promises you he will be faithfull after marriage, you MUST remember.....he wasnt faithfull before marriage. HOW can you trust him?
Without trust a relationship will not work.
I believe he will still go with men and lie to you in the future.
If he can do it now....he will do it in the future.
You love him....its hard
BUT...how hard will it be if you stay for another 9 years and it happens again?
Do you REALLY want to take that risk?

You seem like a wonderfull lady and you dont deserve to be hurt! When you make the choice...do what is best for YOURSELF.
It is YOUR happiness that matters now. You owe him nothing after he was bad to you.
Be happy!! i wish you all the best.
Please come back and stay friends with us on gayspeak.
Thank you

Saved me the trouble of typing loads of stuff.

I'd only add that people are inclined to think differently where marriage is involved. Marriage is different, it's got laws about it, it's something we all aspire to. Even those gay folk want it. It must be special.

It is special, but it's still just a relationship and a relationship that's compromised before the big day will be just as compromised afterwards. It'll be a lot harder to pick apart as a marriage than as a relationship. In short, don't kid yourself that getting married will fix things. Best of luck, it's tough but you need to consider yourself in this matter.

Hmm... typed loads of stuff anyway.

[Geminize]

Loser (and I also want you to change your name),

This is a hard decision for you to make. As Cardigan said, don't fool yourself that getting married will fix things. Some people will tell you he cheated on you and you should leave him. I don't think it's that simple.

Getting married, I think the important things anyone needs are love, trust, and communication. Life is complicated, but if you trust each other and can communicate openly about anything then your relationship stands a chance of being a good one. So your question is: how do you trust him now? Should you? No one here can answer that for you.

I am a bi man who was married to a woman for 19 years. I was faithful to her during our marriage, which ended for other reasons. She knew that I had attractions to both men and women. I loved her and chose a life with her. I think it's better for someone who is bi to know that before they commit to a marriage, instead of ignoring it until it comes out later.

I suggest you find a third person, a couples counselor, who can help you explore your feelings and his feelings about your relationship. That will also take courage for both of you. A good counselor can help rebuild trust and improve your communication. You both have to be willing to fully participate for it to work.

Good luck. I wish you the best.

[Rainbowmum]

Hello and welcome.

I know this is a huge shock ,but that does not mean you cannot move forward, nine years is a huge amount of time.

Maybe it is time to lay all the cards on the table and as see if you can work through it , and yes that means leaving it in the past.

Being Bisexual does not mean that he will cheat on you.
It's really a question of trust ,if there is no trust nothing will work.

I think you should listen to your heart ,but also get some couples therapy.
We are all here for you.

[Loser]

Firstly, i would like to say thank you to admin Andy for approving my very first post here.
Secondly, truly appreciate your replies on my threads. It means alot to me. Thank you so much.

I'm so clueless now and felt so numb ever since the first day i found out. I tends to solve this issue maturely, no shouting, no screaming, no crying and finger point. I knew this is really hard for him to confess on something that he decided to hide from everyone.

During the talk with him, i did asked him to approach psychologist for a talk over his dual sexual desire on both gender and choose to be the one who he wanna be. I do not wish he live in regret and struggling in future regardless which gender he choose to be together. Apparently, he does not think this is an issue, and now he know he wanna lead a normal life. He said he does not willing to disclose this to others, yet he admitted openly in the chatroom with others and sex around. To me, he is trying to escape from facing the truth and does not wish to disappoint the people around him.

he requested me for not telling anyone else about this, including my families and friends when i requested for a break in our relationship. He said he believe that we could work this out so long i could put it down and let it go. We're still staying together at the moment while i m hunting for a new place to move. He act so normal as usual while it sounds so sarcastic to me that i do not know this man at all. I never know the wild side of him and he is such a good actor for the past 9 years. i feel so terrified ....who am i with for these past 9 years?

[LateBloomer]

To me, he is trying to escape from facing the truth and does not wish to disappoint the people around him.

he requested me for not telling anyone else about this, including my families and friends when i requested for a break in our relationship. He said he believe that we could work this out so long i could put it down and let it go.

Your English is good!


But the word "break" can have a few different meanings.

Did you want to "break up" permanently?

Or did you mean to "take a break" (pause) in the relationship.

I think the difference here is important to understanding how YOU feel about this relationship.

If you tried to "break up" (end, finish, terminate) the relationship, then you must be in a very uncomfortable position knowing that apparently your boyfriend wants to stay together just in order to save himself the embarrassment of being discovered.

On the other hand, if you simply want to "take a break" (put on hold, rest, pause temporarily) then maybe you think there is something that could work.

Either way, I have to admit that I think you're in an unfair position as he asked you to "put it down, and let it go". I don't know if that is realistic or if I could do that in your position.