Advice - Cut off ties with parents

[kyle2013]

Hello all, I am looking for some advice.

First off, I am in my thirties and in a committed relationship with my husband/partner. We've been together for about six years now, had a wedding/commitment ceremony, and adopted a child last year.

My issue is my parents/family.

I have never been close to my family growing up. My mother is a very dominant, controlling, and emotionally abuse individual. She basically made life miserable for all of us and I did not feel like I could come out to them. I spent most of my teenage years extremely depressed. Finally, I got a support system, moved out, and came out to my family. They were surprised but accepted it.

I met my partner and they seemed to accept him too. However, I could tell that they were mostly being civil and I didn't know how they really felt. When we got engaged, I told my mom over the phone and she gave me the lamest most unenthusiastic "Oh...uh that's nice!". So I knew there was going to be a problem. I knew from other conversations that she does not "support" gay marriage or gay adoption, whatever that means. They are not religious at all. I pushed the issue one day and asked her if she was coming to the wedding. She said "it depended how she felt that day".

I took a real issue with this and stopped communicating with them. I sent a long email in which I laid out all of my issues that I've had with my mom, even growing up, basically asking her to acknowledge her issues and take responsibility for them. She never responded.

That was three years ago, and my partner and I had a spectacular ceremony. I did not invite anyone from my side of the family. It was said to do this, but I know my mother would have poisoned the whole event if she did decide to come. Last year, we adopted a baby and my partner has brought up my parents again. He suggested I give them another chance. So i emailed my mom again asking her if she would be open to answering my questions. I have not told her about the baby. I asked her if she regretted missing the wedding and if she still feels the same way about gay marriage and adoption in an email. She kept avoiding answering the questions.

I need advice: Do I just continue to not communicate with my parents or try and deal with them despite the fact that my mom will continue to think what we're doing is wrong? I worry about what effect she will have on our baby if we try and have a relationship with her again. My partner says I will feel sorry that I didn't try and work things out with her when she's gone but I honestly cannot stand talking to her if she doesn't change her attitude. What should I do?

[Genersis]

Well, I don't think she ever will change her views; I think that email you sent her has likely caused her a lot of emotional distress, though I wouldn't say it was the wrong thing to do.

I think your partner does has a point that you may regret not attempting to make amends; but whether the risk of her souring your life is worth the reward of her being in your life again, and possibly even supportive of you, is something you have to figure out, as you know your mother best.

I think continuing to communicate by email is probably a good idea; not too personal, and leaves open the possibility of things improving, and if things go downhill, you can just stop replying.
Try not grill your mother too much/too often though, as it sounds like she withdraws and becomes avoidant when stressed.

[Alexei]

Although, to me, it sounds like a great idea, I wouldn't completely cut them out. I only say that cause I have an I-Don't-Care-What-Anyone-Says attitude. In your situation I probably would have cut off my parents from my life but I would have regretted that decision later on.

I would just keep contact and visits to a minimum I suppose. I also noticed you didn't mention your dad, sorry if Im being too nosy.

[Udabar]

I think that contacting her by email is a good step even though it isnt going to fix things completely, atleast you reached out to her and your trying to make an effort. Having her in your life right now just might make things a little hard on you. I would go and see her or talk to her on the phone at all for a while. Let her take her time to respond back to the email and deal with her emotions. Eventually, hopefully, she will come around and realize that you are her child and no matter what you do she still loves you.

[dvdbwn]

You have to accept her the way she is or let her go. You're not going to get her to change. She probably doesn't remember the past the way you do... And she is shocked you you felt tormented. At least that's how it was with my mom.

It seems you've created yourself a beautiful family. I'd give her a chance to see that. But don't expect drastic change right away. Change like this is slow. I'm not saying you can't demand respect but do it without all the emotion of the past. Like saying keep those thoughts to yourself when you're in my home... And say it matter of factly.

This is painful hard work... But it can be worth it. My mom went from condemning me to hell to wanting to throw the first gay wedding at her church. Good luck!

[Beau]

You can't expect straight people to appreciate and congratulate your lifestyle. It's as foreign to them as living and sleeping with a hetero partner is to us.

Acceptance is the best I ever hope for. Sounds like your mom has accepted your lifestyle even if she doesn't appreciate it. That's probably the most you can hope for.

[Geminize]

I think the only way you might help your mom change is by not trying to. By that I mean to be true to yourself, your partner, and your child. Share as much of your life with your parents as you're willing to, without expecting them to change. Hopefully some of the love in your family of choice will rub off on them.

You gave your mom your list of grievances about the past. The ball is in her court as to whether or not she wants to deal with those on any level with you. Forcing the issue will get you nowhere. Her current behavior is fair game, however. You can let her know you expect at least some respect, if not approval.

[Rainbowmum]

Okay first let me say ,you do not need her approval.
You are a parent now and your responsibility is to your child.

You gave your mother two chances ,yet noting has changed.
Ask yourself this ,Do you really want to expose your child to emotional abuse?

Unresolved issues will not be solved by pushing it, and right now I would say your mother is extremely defensive.

Let it be ,leave it alone and concentrate on your family.

[pellaz]

... My mother is a very dominant, controlling, and emotionally abuse individual. She basically made life miserable for all of us ...

your asking what should you do?
strongly suggest you stay away from your mother and you not bring her into the picture with your family.

[Kiid]

If they are being poisonous people. Then FUCK.YES.DO.IT

That is all for my advice. Do what you need to live a full and healthy life.