Advice - Cut off ties with parents

[Kenny221]

I don't think you should cut off the ties completely, but yeah, for now , leave them alone.

[HomeagainNYC]

You're living as an openly gay man who is grown, married, and has a child - WOW - you seem pretty balance to me. So the question is, what to do about Mom, who appears to unbalance you?

Is it better to have her dynamic present, just because she is your mother, or, is it better to draw a circle and keep her out? Only you will know what's acceptable for the healthy relationships you've created in your life. If it were me, I would pay very close attention to that balance, not only for you, but for your husband and child's sake as well.

If the balance is upset - then you need to draw a circle to keep her out; if it's not upset, and you're happy with how the exchange unfolds - then you need to draw a circle to keep her in.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My mother died in 2007... I found out late last year from a third party who did an internet search. She was dead for five years and I didn't know. That is how close I was with her in the later years.

I haven't spoken nor sent my father so much as a Christmas card for at least 15 years either. I know he is alive because I checked, through the internet.

The choice to not associate with my parents was the second best thing I ever did. Nearly over night a lot of my 'issues' became more manageable. Life got 80% easier without my striving to deal with my parents and have a normative relationship with them. Oh I tried, I tried real hard for the first decade of adulthood. That didn't end well.

Understand both of my parents are unwell people. My mother did things to me which make your mother look like a saint. Think along the lines of cult/ritual abuse. Severe abuse. My father... well he wasn't worse, but wasn't much better either.

I had very good reasons to cut ties.

IF this is the sort of situation where you are better for not being around/talking to/dealing with your parents and it works for you do by all means stick with it.

There is such a thing as irreconcilable differences. Apparently you have that with your folks.

Your Partner obviously had a healthy/normative relationship with his folks thus can't possibly understand how you could be better off without your folks in your life. He can't understand and the best you can do is tell him firmly that you really don't want your mother in your life as it never ends well and it is better that there is the silence. better for you, better for him, better for your relationship and now better for your child.

He won't like he, he will never understand it, but he will, eventually, come to the point where he accepts it in his own way.

Unless you honestly believe your mother has changed her spots....

My experience is that manipulative, emotionally abusive type individuals are far less able to change than those who resort to physical abuse.

[Tyrion]

I think it all really depends on the situation and your feelings on the issue. I wouldn't necessarily recommend cutting all ties completely, unless you honestly feel that's what you must do to be happy.

Also, to those saying people can't/won't change.. that isn't always true. My grandmother (my mom's mom) was a total racist for most of her life, to the point where she wouldn't even allow her children to associate with other kids of different races. As she aged however, her views began to change. By the time she was in her 60's.. my sister married a man with African American family members.. and she was perfectly kind and accepting toward them. Her views really did change.

Granted, a lot of people are stuck in their ways and stay that way, but at the same time, some actually do change and become better human beings. Not saying your mom has a different view now -- I have no clue.. but I'd say be open to giving her another chance, or at least the possibility.

[Wade]

"Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof." - Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah