Relationship advice - boyfriend trust issues

[BathEd]

Hi all, I'm hoping you can help me a little as I'm in a difficult situation.

I am 31 and have been in a relationship for 7 years, my boyfriend is 25. I have put we are in a monogamous relationship but we do occasionally play with other guys, only as a couple though.

Anyway, my boyfriend has some trust issues because of things I have done in the past which hurt him a lot and am not proud of. Years ago he found out I had been camming/cybering with other guys. To me that wasn't really cheating, but I respect his feelings and that it upset him so I haven't since.

Two weeks ago we met up with another guy at his suggestion and choice for a drink and then some threesome fun.

I didn't think anything more about it till yesterday when my boyfriend called me up (he's gone to see his dad for a few days) to say he found he has pubic lice. Unfortunately when he called I was at the pub with a male friend of mine who he does not know.

I very, very seldom go out without him and there was certainly nothing inappropriate going on but he seems to believe there is some link between the two things. With hindsight it was foolish of me to have not let him know beforehand. To me it's obvious that the lice came from the guy we met up with two weeks ago, which would fit exactly with their incubation period making them noticeable now. He suspects I've been cheating on him though.

Please can anyone give me some advice on if there is anything I can do to to dispel his fears. I am very upset and worried as well as him.

[Undreamt]

Difficult situation, it can be hard to win back trust even if there is nothing to justify the distrust.

Given that you have been together for a long time, i'm assuming that your boyfriend knows your type, if your partner met the guy you were catching up with would that satisfy his suspicions that they were just a friend?

[BathEd]

I was thinking of that too. I think it may help. The friend is absolutely not my type, which probably subconsciously made me think it would not worry my boyfriend. He is quite overweight and suffers from multiple sclerosis and various other chronic health problems.

[TimeSage]

If you know the obvious cause, point it out to him. Use graphs on the time peroids and stuff to prove it you have to. Everyone loves graphs right?

[HomeagainNYC]

BathEd,

Please be more thoughtful in your posts here.

I'm sure it was just an oversight on your part, but, the list of reasons why you would not be interested in your friend is extremely - insensitive, shallow and hurtful - especially, to people, who, through no fault of their own, find themselves struggling with self esteem, due to these very issues.

The community here is quite diverse and inclusive, but more importantly, supportive of all, no matter what challenges one might be facing.

[pellaz]

seems your relationship violates the keep it simple rule

[princealbertofb]

Must say MissingNYC has a point, but I don't think BathEd was trying to hurt anyone's feelings.... I would suggest you tell your boyfriend that you've worked out the guy you had sex with two weeks ago was probably responsible;.. Someone suggested graphs, I liked the idea... But it'll be hard to earn his respect and trust again if he sees camming and cyber as cheating... Maybe you two need to redefine what is cheating and what is not, and be a bit more sensitive about each other's needs? A talk is necessary. You ought to be able to see your friends (male or female) without him getting jealous or worried. He's got to see that as a healthy part of any couple's life too, surely?

[BathEd]

I'm sorry, I did not intend to be offensive or to hurt anyone's feelings.

The problem isn't that we have a different opinion of what is cheating. I know plenty of people would consider camming to be cheating, just as plenty wouldn't - I accept that he does and haven't done it again. I know his opinion on the matter and respect it. That was quite a few years ago.

The problem is that he can still find it hard to trust me even though it was a long time ago. Sometimes I don't help things though because I'm afraid of what he'll think and perhaps come across as secretive or defensive.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You cheated on him. End of story.

I have had partners cheat on me and it does a number on the mind and heart.

I will never, ever, ever be able to look at a partner - any partner, past or future, and not wonder if their being tardy isn't a symptom of cheating. Any time a partner (past or future) calls me to tell me they will have to work late a tiny voice at the back of my mind will scream 'He's Cheating!'...

This comes with the territory, once bitten twice shy.

Your partner is doing the same thing, anything and everything that can be construed as a symptom of cheating have its voice. He lost his innocence the first time his trust was betrayed and he will never, ever get that back.

The second problem you all have here is this open relationship where you claim monogamy when in fact you are not monogamous - neither of you.

Monogamy simply means: The practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.

There is no grey area here, there is no 'but....' or exceptions. Either you two are monogamous or you are not... If you both are having sex with other people (together or otherwise) you are not in a monogamous relationship.

Like it or not, that lack of monogamy is also playing its mind game here. Sure, he participates, but if he is playing games with the word monogamy like this, no doubt that little voice in the back of his head is going to scream over that.

Clearly you two can't do threesomes without it being a problem. I strongly suggest you stop doing threesomes until you both can approach the subject without it being a problem. For instance honestly owning the fact that you are no where near monogamy when you two are opening pursing three ways.

As for the past cheating, they have couples counselors. This is obviously a problem that has long gone unaddressed and now is biting back.

Sure, you can face him with all the facts you can muster, you ain't dealing with his fore-brain, you are dealing with his heart. Feelings are hardly rational/logical things - what we feel is usually pretty irrational and beyond logical interpretation.

He feels you are cheating.... No amount of 'fact' is going to make that feeling go away. That is going to require therapy - couples therapy and you both are going to need to work on trust issues which most likely means the days of threesomes is over... or this relationship is over.

[princealbertofb]

BathEd, the best way not to be secretive is to talk more and be more open... something you can surely do if you try to make it part of your ritual... It is good, though, for each party in the couple to have their "secret garden", an activity that doesn't involve the other (that you can discuss or not discuss, and that should remain your right to keep private if you so desire, for the rest trust can only come with open discussions, I believe...). Ask him why he has suspicions about you, and tell him he can be honest with you, (that is, if you don't get upset by his answers?) There's something going on between you that is not being said and it's straining the relationship.