Need advice..

[noname]

Hi to all,

I`ve never been here before but I will appreciate any advice on my current situation.

I`ve been with a guy for 7 months, I`m 23 years old he is 46 years old. We didn`t plan to be together, it just happened, he liked me and I liked him so I moved in with him into his house.

First two months were wonderful, we were very happy with each other, we spent lots of time together, passionate, patient and understanding, he tried his best to help me in any way.

I ve moved away from where I previously lived, after few months of looking for a job I had to accept crappy one I hate, he drives me to work, I pay for fuel as I cant afford car on my own now, when I wanted to get motorbike he said NO to dangerous yet he complains he has to drive me around.

He refused any money for the house as he said I do not earn much, so I only pay for food and fuel and my own mobile bills etc. yet then he complains he has to now work 24/7 to pay bills which is rather excuse.

Somebody could say wonderful for me, unfortunately because it is his house he is keep setting rules, on day off I cannot relax and go to sleep after midnight coz I`m not teenager anymore as he stated and I wake him up when I come to bed late. So I offered I can sleep downstairs on those occasions to not disturb him. He said its inappropriate and that I would still disturb him.

He asks me for opinions about things but if my opinion is different from his he just does things his way, he asked me about kitchen change, I didn`t like the way he changed it but he said it is his house so he will do it the way he likes it.

He complains I do not want to socialize with his friends, the problem is all his friends are 50-60 years old and I do not have many common subjects with them...

He even started fight coz I wanted to prepare everything for dinner 2 hours in advance so later I would spend less time on it, he found it wrong so I couldn`t

And the most frustrating thing for me is no sex, because of medication he has to take he has no sex drive anymore, no touch, no kiss, I`m air in bed, its not problem for him.

We had several big fights, and now he stated if I will not respect his rules and his house I can just f*** off, he was ready to throw me out straight away in the street. He said how much he has done for me how much he sacrificed for me and how ungrateful and inconsiderate I am. He does not see the fact how much I am sacrificing being with him.

It has been like that for a while as we both just fighting then trying to fix everything, he says he loves me, that I am the best thing that has happened to him; I am confused with my feelings, the person I met 7 months ago was wonderful but now...

The problem is that now I do not feel secure anymore, because I know that if there will be anything I will not like I will have to adjust myself or I risk falling out with him again and being thrown out. I thought about going back to uni or looking for better job but I am restricted as he will not move with me as he does not like other parts of the country and here are his friends, so I have to stay with him in that place which may not be the best to find job in my profession so I have to have job I hate, and then he says I am lazy coz I do not want to work more hours.

What should I do? Am I really inconsiderate and ungrateful?

I know he is good person but maybe not the one for me.
Shall I stay and build my uncertain future with him and try to be happy or slowly look for flat to stay, look for a job and move away before it will go more complicated for me.

Sorry for this long story, but any advice would be helpful.

[LateBloomer]

You're too young to be tied down in such a disrespectful and dysfunctional relationship. If there were kids, property and/or even pets involved it might make sense, but at your age why?

Obviously you're vulnerable right now, poor job, not much money, etc...

But you see your choices quite clearly:
1) Uncertain future, or,
2) Independence

I know what I would choose, but it's not my choice.

If I were you, I would work harder at finding a better job and get myself set up in a flat either on my own or with some friends/family, whatever, but when I felt I could make the leap I would make it quite clear I'm leaving and never look back.

Good luck.

[Nick9]

oh boy...

Hi and welcome, it will be nice if you stay here for longer time.

My advice... leave.

I may be known for trying to save almost every relationship and for not minding any age difference. Reading your post I even came up with many explanations why he behaved like that. But after reading it to the end, my advice is that it seems to be wise to leave.

I bet he was nice in the beginning. Everything was new and he perhaps fell in love with you. But after some time he realized the same thing you did - that you are different and your life style is different. You are a guest in his house, not a partner in your mutual home.

I am sorry.

[dvdbwn]

he sounds controlling and manipulative. this is in no way and good relationship nor does he want and equal partner. if he wanted a partner it would "our" house not "his".

there are all kinds of abuse out there, this is financial and emotional abuse. keeping you in line by threatening and scaring you is simply not okay. people in abusive relationships usually think their significant other is basically a "good person"... but what's important is that he's not being good to you and it's highly doubtful he'll change.

run far and run fast before it escalates.

[Geminize]

I have to agree with our brothers here. It's time for you to get on with your life and get out of this relationship. I know it's not easy. You have had feelings for each other. After the initial excitement and enchantment, it seems from what you have said that the differences between you and him are too great.

He was 23 once. He should have some understanding of where you are in life. If he won't compromise to make things work, then I think you need to take care of your own needs. If that means leaving him behind, so be it. Hopefully you can both see the wisdom in that and remain friends.

Good luck, noname. Find your name, find your strength, create the life you deserve!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

This sounds very much like a typical abuser/victim type relationship.

He has power over you, and uses that fear he has instilled in you to get what he wants. Apparently he understood much better than you that if you moved in with him you would have to take a hit in the paycheck and become dependent on him.

you have only two choices.

1. Stay and submit to his will.

2. Leave and regain your independence.

1. Is easy, and as long as he doesn't hit you you can adapt to it, maybe even come to enjoy it.

2. Is harder, and yes you most likely will lose most of your stuff (clothes, furniture, stereo, computer - whatever) BUT its just crap and crap can be replaced.

Yes, with option two you run a high risk of sleeping on the streets. I did that a number of times, the streets are not as bad as being with a manipulative abuser.

You can't undo everything and go back, there will be no knights in shining armor to bail you out, there is no magical third option that will appear at the last moment. Sorry.

But, if you take option 2 you will learn a lot and you will survive, and eventually you will get back on your feet again.

Your advantage is that you are only 23... You are young and adaptable and have more than enough time to rebuild and recollect your stockpile of 'crap'.

[Aeneas]

i stopped reading after "we've been dating for 7 months, i am 23 he is 46 and i moved into his house".


i presume disaster follows?

[archubbycub]

I have to agree with the others. This sounds like an abusive relationship and that's no way to live. I know it can be scary and tough being on your own at first but you need to get out. Find yourself some friends and a support system to help you through the tough times. But the main issue is taking care of yourself.

[dfiant]

Over-bearing control freak of a father...oh hang on, you said boyfriend right?

[noname]

Thanks for all the comments guys

Yes I will leave, even though it brakes me inside, cannot really specify why...

And Yes I was a fool, I always knew there would be problems because of age differeance, I knew there would be problems because of him being HIV poz, but I ve never thought it would come to the point it have come, when we first met all the differences meant nothing, for me it only mattered that he was good person and he would respect me.

Maybe he was only attracted to me coz at that time when we first met he was really ill and lonely, but as time passed and he started feeling better his need for me disappeared.

But Im sure Im not without fault either, I know I can be difficult as well, he lost himself a bit in all this rules thing but I still believe he is good guy, he had hard life, suffered a lot, a lot of people just used him before, so maybe I described him in one-sided way, but I know that does not change the fact I do not wanna be treated the way I am treated at the moment.

It was my first real involvement with somebody, that ended up in failure...
I will be okay, somehow,

Anyway thanks for helpining sorting out some of my thoughts, bye