I hate who I am

[EuroGuy1]

Usually not into writing things off but I have to make an exception.

It's 2.50 am, everyone is probably having a blast going out, taking shots, making friends. And than there's me;

Laying in my bed all alone trying to figure out why no one likes me, trying to understand why I hate myself. Coming from a religious family, I've learnt to obey and of course hate everything what God has forbidden; like my sexuality.
Hating myself for who I am, doesn't make things easier. That's probably the main reason I'm not capable of making friends. I'm judgmental, a bit conservative and pretty arrogant.

I hate myself because I'll never be able to be myself, why did I have to become the person I am now? Trying to convince myself I don't need anyone. But that doesn't mean I don't need someone once in a while to have a laugh with. It's like I'm destined to be alone. My parents even know to hurt me in an argument stating I'm not normal because I don't have friends. They hate gay people, and they're not afraid to show that, like saying we'll burn in hell and that stuff. It's so hard to live in a religious environment knowing if you'd come out your life is pretty much over.

I hate self pity but feel kinda pathetic; literally 0 friends, never had a boyfriend, and not to forget; a family who'd hate me if they found out I'm not straight.

I try to turn to God but my hope is slipping away

[Armandork]

If I can reccomend this option, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your religious beliefs. It seems to be poisoning you more then it's helping you. I've had to do the same thing at one point in time and I ended up becoming an atheist. I want you to know there is NO scientifically accepted evidence that suggests sexuality is a choice.
I'm free for talking always sooo please do message me if you're feeling lonely :/
It seems like this self hatred is rooted in your religious beliefs and family. Please understand that no matter who you are, you matter to someone. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but someone cares I promise you. Family is family, after coming out I recognize that no matter what I do (regardless of whether they approve or not) they will always love me. A good family will always love you, and if they don't they aren't worth your time. :/

I hope something here helps, please don't be afraid to talk to me?

[Woollyhats]

First of all, I think you're awesome. From this, it's clear that you're intelligent, resilient, and even though you're afraid, you're asking for help. Not everyone does that Euro, and you should be proud of yourself for trying. So I'm happy you made this exception, really .

Secondly, I'm not really that religious. I used to be, but it didn't work for me. But you should know that if God exists, he loves you. Certainly, there are many religious denominations that disagree with Gays. Overtime, however, this will change. Are you aware that in the catechism of the Catholic Church, it is stated that the simple act of being gay isn't a sin? Are you aware that many Christians have total acceptance of homosexuality? There are different opinions on God, and you know from the simple act of BEING GAY, that homosexuality isn't a choice, and God didn't make a mistake in making you that way.

I would recommend you in taking a look at the United Church of Christ.
https://www.facebook.com/UnitedChurchofChrist
You'll notice in the recommendations it says "No matter who you are, you're welcome here.".

They take an active stance in accepting homosexuality because they believe that Jesus would think it is the right thing to do.

---

Now, on to the line "I hate myself because I'll never be able to be myself".

You're so very wrong. I'm speaking to you as someone that knelt and prayed in the washroom in my abusive father's apartment, and prayed, "Please, please don't make me stay gay", to someone that now totally accepts my own sexuality. I am NOT out to everyone yet, but I will be soon, and when it happens I know that it won't be a big deal. And it's because once I started to love myself, I started making choices that reflected that. I am a planner, and I planned a life out that I knew I would be happy living. And it was hard, and it will probably continue to be hard, but I know it's going to be worth it.

I would recommend you to get a job, to make some gay friendly friends THEY EXIST BELIEVE IT, IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO FIND THEM BUT I DID, and work on accepting yourself before you worry about coming out to other people. When you get a job, apply for community housing. Set yourself up to be financially independent. If you want help, there's a huge community here, please don't be worried about us outing you.

Your last line was about turning to God, so I'm assuming that God is very important to you, so I'm going to end this post by quoting from The parable of the Talents. "

""To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey.""

If you remember that story, God gave his servants talents, and two of the servants made more talents, but one servant was very afraid, and he hid his talents, and he never, ever, ever used them. This was the servant that most displeased God. Being gay affects your personality, and your talents too. You have talents you never would have had because of your homosexuality, and God would want you to use them.

God doesn't hate you.

Please don't hate yourself.

-Internet Hugz-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_...s_or_minas

[ayoras]

I find arrogance very attractive. Something about people's self confidence or something.

Anyway, what I mean is that there are people out there who will like you they way you are. But you have to go out there to find and meet them.

As the mentioned above, get financially independent and start loving yourself and enjoying your time alone. When I moved to another country I even went to bars alone just to enjoy a beer alone and observe people around me.

[LONDONER]

There's some very sensible and basic advice being given here. Take notice of it and act on it. Don't hate yourself and, although it might be hard for you, start to question your religious beliefs. If there were such a thing as an omnificent God that loved all his/her creation, do you think that he/she would have made you as you are so he could hate you? That would be a rather pointless exercise don't you think?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

God.

God is a personal experience and you should really seek to have a personal connection with God and not allow others to tell you what God wants for You.

I'm not sure what God wants for you, however I have 47 years of life which clearly indicate that God wanted me to be as queer as a three dollar bill.

God speaks to each of us in a manner and form which the individual understands. I 'hear' God speaking to me... No I do not hear voiced in my head... well not ones from God. However I look back at my life and see an influence which appears to have guided me to where I am today.

Either there is a lot of coincidence in my life, or this is God influencing me.

For me, the question of 'is it ok to be gay?' Was answered when I turned to God to remove those 'nasty' emotions, and He turned around and threw me into a very quiet, 14.5 year relationship which was, compared to my previous experiences, the best damn relationship ever.

There are gay affirming churches: http://www.gaychurch.org/find_a_church/f...church.htm

There is also a reasonable, scholarly argument for each and everyone of those verses thrown up to 'prove' God hates gays. The truth is that there is strong evidence that God loves Gays, and has even blessed three potential gay relationships in the bible. John and David, Ruth and Naomi, and then Jesus himself had an encounter with a Centurion who loved his pais so much he took great risks to seek the assistance from a healer who was part of an occupied people.

If God/The bible is such an issue to you, we live in the age of internet - I strongly suggest you look up the sites for 'Gay Christians' and 'Gay affirming Bible Verses' and start studying. This isn't like it was back in my day where one had to go on long searches for books on the subject.. books well hidden from the average person.

Parents.

Jesus told us to Respect our parents. Some times respect means you walk away and leave a person be. If the differences between you are your folks are so terrible as they cannot be resolved, then its high time you walk away.

Honestly, I did that oh about 18 years ago, around the time I got clean and sober. My mother died in 2007 and I didn't learn about her demise until late 2012 from a third party who did an internet search.

My father is, presumably, still alive. But he and I haven't spoken in well over a decade, not even a Christmas card exchange.

Being estranged does have a few problems, you feel utterly alone when you walk away from your blood family, and it is hard for most people to understand that some parents are just not decent folk that their offspring should be around.

However, if that is what it takes for you to be 'happy' in life, then walk.


Actually you are the person you are - yes all of this 'miserable' stuff you think ain't you is you - this is who you are.

I'm not saying you can't change (if you want to you can) - I'm just saying that you are being you right now.

I will cut you some slack, you are young and have yet to get a good sense of who you are as an adult in the world. By age 30 you will have a much better grasp on that and will have a much clearer idea of how to proceed.

Which is to say that this too will pass and eventually it will get better. Maybe not easier, maybe not super nice, but better.

[MisterTinkles]

I also believe you need to re-evaluate your beliefs.

I was raised by a religious family. They were not strict, but I was raised with those beliefs.

The older I got, the more I actually listened to what was being SAID in church...and it was all hypocrisy, bullshit, and lies. These people sitting up there preaching to "the masses" no more lived or truly believed in what they preached, than politicians live or believe in what they preach to the masses.

As I got into my teens, I became somewhat fascinated by religion in all forms. I read the whole American version of the bible, which was all bullshit. Nothing made sense. Murder is wrong, but the bible if FULL if it, all in this gods name! 99% of Jesus's life story is missing from this bible. What you cant do in one chapter, everybody is doing in another chapter. Nothing but backstepping, hypocrisy, and blatant lies.

Then I got into the historical aspects. Religion is responsible for 99% of the wars, famine, hate, bigotry, and murder on this planets human history.

As I listened to more people, saw more biography shows, documentaries, and read articles on this...I came to find out that religion is nothing more than a political tool for governments to keep "the masses" in line and make them do what they want them to do.

Even in the past 20 years of my adulthood, I still pay attention to this stuff, and believe religion is the sole reason this planet is in the state its in, especially "civilized" countries. Pedophile priests, nuns selling black market babies, Vatican money laundering, preachers run white slavery rings, preachers/priests becoming televangelists just to become billionaires off the stupid and weak minded....I could go on and on.

There are very, very, VERY few religious people out there who believe in the foundation of what religion is supposed to be. Being good and righteous towards others, being a decent human being. 99.99% of all religious people on this planet who are not being taken advantage of, are the ones taking the advantages.
This is not religion, it is organized crime, pure and simple.

Once I realized this, I was much happier and much better off being the person I am, and not allowing such fantasy stories to drag me down and keep me depressed and suicidal.

That and the fact there is absolutely NO proof of any kind that anything in the bible was true, or that any kind of god exists or ever has existed.

Dont worry about your family and their beliefs. You need to work on yours. Thats part of becoming an adult and your own person.

[Ekwarph]

Then I got into the historical aspects. Religion is responsible for 99% of the wars, famine, hate, bigotry, and murder on this planets human history.

.

Hummm...really not sure.
In most cases, it's only a pretext to irrationnal actions, racism etc. That's not religion the responsible but what human do with it.

[Ekwarph]

Usually not into writing things off but I have to make an exception.

It's 2.50 am, everyone is probably having a blast going out, taking shots, making friends. And than there's me;

Laying in my bed all alone trying to figure out why no one likes me, trying to understand why I hate myself. Coming from a religious family, I've learnt to obey and of course hate everything what God has forbidden; like my sexuality.
Hating myself for who I am, doesn't make things easier. That's probably the main reason I'm not capable of making friends. I'm judgmental, a bit conservative and pretty arrogant.

I hate myself because I'll never be able to be myself, why did I have to become the person I am now? Trying to convince myself I don't need anyone. But that doesn't mean I don't need someone once in a while to have a laugh with. It's like I'm destined to be alone. My parents even know to hurt me in an argument stating I'm not normal because I don't have friends. They hate gay people, and they're not afraid to show that, like saying we'll burn in hell and that stuff. It's so hard to live in a religious environment knowing if you'd come out your life is pretty much over.

I hate self pity but feel kinda pathetic; literally 0 friends, never had a boyfriend, and not to forget; a family who'd hate me if they found out I'm not straight.

I try to turn to God but my hope is slipping away

Love yourself (reasonnably, being objective though), trust your ideas, get a point of view of life which is yours and not too pessimistic, I'm sure when you live for yourself, some people will love you for who you are, others will not like you

[oneofcuriousity]

Hi
When I started questioning my sexuality, I felt that I was failing my fath.
Then I released that I wasn't hit by lighting when I looked at a guy. If God was against it. Then he wouldn't let it happen.
Becarful hating urself I went down that route a year ago. To far I got to a point where I wished I could die, but in that moment I thought it I realised how foolish I was to go that far. I didn't want to hurt all I care about, I say others go to far and take there lives.
You don't realize how many people are effceted by it, people you don't even know that are connected to your heart. At that point I picked myself up and moved forward, I didn't care what anyone says to me and I love myself and live revising my heart is joint to many, people I haven't met and people in my past. I connected with people who where all ways there, the ones I couldn't see and I let them in and I discovered freinds people who care for me.
I know it must sound like I've just been talking about myself, but I haven't. It's a teaching in a story there r people around you just look, if there hard to see search like mad u'll find them. Love urself u r who u r, that is always perfect, amazing and beautiful. Look where u r there people here, who u r open to and they want to be ur freinds.
I want to be ur freind.
So talk to us we r always here