My boyfriend, who's 20, and I, 20, have been dating for over a year. We have had arguments in the past, but we always resolve them by eventually sitting down and talking about them. Recently our arguments have been getting heated, to the point where they become physical. When he starts hitting me, I hit back. We have sat down, and talked about it, and we are working on our anger. He has said that when we argue, he will give me my space, and I will give him his, and when were no longer angry we will sit and talk. It is both of our fault, it not just him or I that is at fault when it comes to us getting physical.
However, last night his big mouth brother got drunk and humiliated me in a middle of a restaurant. I don't know what my boyfriend has told him. I don't know if he plays the victim card in front of his family. But his brother came out verbally attacking me, calling me a piece of shit, and whatever name he can think of in the book. He said that if I ever hit his brother again, he will do more than send me to jail. I understand that it's his brother, and he is trying to defend him, but he has no idea what happens when we argue. His brother always gets physical and his brother expects me apparently to take all of his punches with embrace and not defend myself.
Anyways, I'm just really angry about this whole situation and just wanted to rant, even if it's to strangers on the internet.
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I know this sounds cliche', but it sounds like you both have a genuine interest in staying together. Why not try counselling? Also, invite the brother to mind his own business, or if you actually have a relationship with him, talk to him when he isn't drunk about what goes on --- but not without telling him what you're doing to make it better. He'll want that bit.
Try to remember that you aren't dating a crazy in law, and that you're dating your boyfriend. You might think I have no experience personally with this, but I grew up with parents that had problems like that, and inlaws were one of the reasons the relationship between my parents ultimately failed. Take them with a grain of salt.
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why not release all that built in anger with sex?
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Aeneas Wrote:why not release all that built in anger with sex?
Yeah! Fuck the hate out.
Sex solves everything.
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Sign up for the MTV show BULLY BEAT DOWN. Should solve your issues.
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coffeeMaker Wrote:My boyfriend, who's 20, and I, 20, have been dating for over a year. We have had arguments in the past, but we always resolve them by eventually sitting down and talking about them. Recently our arguments have been getting heated, to the point where they become physical. When he starts hitting me, I hit back. We have sat down, and talked about it, and we are working on our anger. He has said that when we argue, he will give me my space, and I will give him his, and when were no longer angry we will sit and talk. It is both of our fault, it not just him or I that is at fault when it comes to us getting physical.
However, last night his big mouth brother got drunk and humiliated me in a middle of a restaurant. I don't know what my boyfriend has told him. I don't know if he plays the victim card in front of his family. But his brother came out verbally attacking me, calling me a piece of shit, and whatever name he can think of in the book. He said that if I ever hit his brother again, he will do more than send me to jail. I understand that it's his brother, and he is trying to defend him, but he has no idea what happens when we argue. His brother always gets physical and his brother expects me apparently to take all of his punches with embrace and not defend myself.
Anyways, I'm just really angry about this whole situation and just wanted to rant, even if it's to strangers on the internet.
Well, apparently you are "into" physical abuse and verbal torture, otherwise you would have dumped his ass and left.
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I've told this story before...
I asked my BF, when we first started dating, what he expected from our relationship. He told me, "unconditional love."
I said, I'm sorry, no.
My love has two conditions:
1) No cheating.
2) No violence.
Either one of those RULES gets broken and I'm out.
And so, VERY EARLY, the boundary, the line in the sand was drawn.
We have also had very loud, ugly fights. Even a finger in the chest. We've pushed the boundary, I'm afraid, but so far we respect the rules.
My advice: wipe the slate clean, get a fresh start and renegotiate the RULES of your relationship. Get a third party counselor to help if you must.
Good luck.
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LateBloomer Wrote:I've told this story before...
I asked my BF, when we first started dating, what he expected from our relationship. He told me, "unconditional love."
I said, I'm sorry, no.
My love has two conditions:
1) No cheating.
2) No violence.
Either one of those RULES gets broken and I'm out.
And so, VERY EARLY, the boundary, the line in the sand was drawn.
We have also had very loud, ugly fights. Even a finger in the chest. We've pushed the boundary, I'm afraid, but so far we respect the rules.
My advice: wipe the slate clean, get a fresh start and renegotiate the RULES of your relationship. Get a third party counselor to help if you must.
Good luck.
This, again, is something I dont understand.
If you have such bad fights, why even bother with each other?
I know not every day of life together is going to be rainbows and lollipops, but if the arguments turn into fights, then whats the use?
I can understand if you both are working on it, going to therapy or counseling, but a lot of people just "take it". Why damage yourself so badly? Just pack up and walk out the front door.
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MisterTinkles Wrote:This, again, is something I dont understand.
If you have such bad fights, why even bother with each other?
I know not every day of life together is going to be rainbows and lollipops, but if the arguments turn into fights, then whats the use?
I can understand if you both are working on it, going to therapy or counseling, but a lot of people just "take it". Why damage yourself so badly? Just pack up and walk out the front door.
Wow, good question.
I've certainly asked myself the same thing.
Because, we have both told each other that no matter how strong our disagreement and no matter how bad it feels to fight, when we have recovered from it, we both feel like we understand each other better.
And the make-up sex is GREAT!
Seriously, the fights are horrible and we both try to avoid hot topics and chose our time and place for discussing touchy matters, but we're human, and usually the fights happen when one of us has chosen the wrong time or place to discuss something.
We both admit we're not perfect and not expecting perfection from the other guy.
We both feel like there is more good than bad and that we're both worth the effort of trying to make it work.
Personally, I'm committed to this relationship and I want to see it work. We have been through a lot (more than I'm willing to admit in public) in the last year and I would feel like a real loser if I just through it all away because "he never takes out the trash"...or whatever really ticked me off that day.
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I have been in abusive relationships before. While I allow tons of emotional/verbal and mental abuse I personally draw the line at physical abuse. Hit me and I leave. Period.
Yes as a matter of fact I have walked away of households of 'stuff' I have walked away from whole lives before. There is absolutely, positively no reason on earth to stay with an abusive person.
He clearly doesn't respect you, trust me, he never will.
As for the brother - yes indeed your Abusive BF is lying about you at every turn, he is making you out to be the bully, the abuser whatever. This is exactly how an abusive person operates. While they are doing the crime they play the victim.
Drop him - now. If it means you have to walk away from a household of crap, walk away from a job, walk away from a city - do it.
Its only going to get worse, and one day he may decide to wait until your asleep to start beating with something handy like a baseball bat.
He clearly does not love you. Love is not hitting/abusing.
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