Advice from gay families pls

[oblongflower]

My children, four year old twin girls, leave nursery and start school this September. My husband, of thirteen years (who has come out as gay) and I are living in the same house to raise our children.
I don't need relationship advice at this point, we have both made our peace and get on well and are both clear about what we are now doing. It's taken two and half years apart to get to this btw.
My questions are about how my children will be treated. Not just now as they are very young, I feel worried that they will be bullied in the future. We live in a very small working class northern village, everybody knows each other business, the topic will come up at some point.
Also....do I tell the school about our living arrangement? as part of me thinks my husbands sexuality is none of their flaming business, or indeed who sleeps in what bedroom. I don't feel the need to introduce myself as heterosexual. Am I making up issues and worrying where there really aren't any?
Advice would be good please these were very wanted children we spent five years having IVF to have them and he is a great dad. I feel very judged by people in my village and he nearly lost the plot when he finally came out. We did our best to support each other and still do, our relationship is now very much like brother n sister, it's platonic and we share the same goals and interests and views on life.
I am rambling. I just want everything to be okay now and I worry.
Any comments/advice appreciated x

[LONDONER]

Honestly I believe you are inventing problems that aren't there. You and your husband live in the same house and who in the village is to know what your sleeping arrangements are? Why should you even mention it to the school? And as you say, even if they knew, what flaming business is it of theirs?

As to your children, you say he is a great dad and why should this problem come up at their school? At your children's age would they be likely to disclose anything to the school or other pupils?

Apologises if I have misinterpreted your post. You sound like a wonderfully understanding person.

[oblongflower]

I do worry a lot. It's like I'm afraid to just think....it's all okay now and get on with things, like I'm trying to second guess the 'next issue'. Thankyou for replying

[LONDONER]

I hope that, in spite of my non-experience of gay families, that I have been able to put your mind to rest a little. Don't worry what other people thing, what they think is of absolutely no consequence.

Please keep us posted on how things go.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Bullying happens, regardless of the kid(s) situation. If there are bullies and your kids are ripe for bullying, they will be teased, tormented and driven half insane.

There is a good change your kid(s) will actually become a bully.

This has little to nothing to do with your current home situation, it is all part of the complex social structure of humans which is unfair yes, but a part of life.

Be it that the kids have two daddies and a mom and a dad (a situation that most likely will happen eventually) or be it that you failed miserably as a mom to keep the kids in the latest designer jeans, or provide the latest Iphone technology - some kid, somewhere is going to get a wild hair up his/her arse and proceed to torment your kid.

I have a few conspiracy nut friends who tell me that CCTV is so pervasive in the UK that it is like 1984 - is this true? If so then yes you most likely will have to tell every government official your life history, the current living situation. If there is any ounce of privacy left then most likely you do not have to tell anyone at school the particulars between you and your husband/roommate's living situation. Its none of their business.

Neighbors talk. Neighbors Gossip. This too is human nature, and most likely is the mature form of 'bullying' as we witness in school with youngsters. Everyone gets this need to be 'better than' someone else, thus they find some reason to point out the 'less than' part of a person's life and make fun of it, hold it up for public scrutiny.

I assure you, there are neighbors who will make fun of you even if you and hubby were the perfect man and wife team and you had everything down absolutely perfectly. It is human nature.


Worry all you want, it will happen in some form some moron will open their mouth an make a big deal out of nothing.

You will not be able to prevent it from happening, the best you can do is let your kids learn important life experiences from it and hold it up as example why 'we don't make fun of other people'. Thereby teaching your kids how to actually be 'better than' over letting them try to convince the world they are 'better than'.


As for the hubby/ex/roommate being gay - that is his deal. There is a general taboo about 'outting' gay people - meaning telling someone that a gay person is gay. Its up the gay person to decide who does and does not know. Thus if anyone asks tell them to ask your husband/ex/roommate whatever he is to you. It is his business, and his 'thing' to take care of.

Your a parent and should have a good idea that you can't shield the kids from everything. I know you want to 'protect' them, but honestly eventually they are going to have to go out into this mean old world and face all of this ugly in one form or another. The best you can do as a parent is let them get a taste and be there as a supportive person and try your best to point out the lessons that they can learn from this sort of thing.

If they get it in small doses from their peers as kids, by the time they reach adulthood they have a thick enough skin to where such treatment won't kill them. If you teach them well and guide them to take away positives from such experiences, they will ultimately learn to be better people and rise above the crap which most humans apparently love to wallow in.

Haters gonna hate (meme) - its true. Regardless of the situation, someone is going to find a reason to hate your babies. Yes its sick, yes its twisted, yes its unfair - but then humans are by and large, sick, twisted and unfair to one degree or another.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Ive been in a similar situation, with two daughters who were 7 & 9 when I came out, and also lived in a small East Midlands market town.

It wasn't an issue at any point during their schooling years or subsequently. I stayed in the family home for three years, then moved out and maintained regular contact all the way through, including school open evenings etc.

The most important thing was to ensure the children were aware of things from an early age, and its helped them accept me for who I am.

I didn't have have the GS forum to turn to for advice, and while you say you don't need relationship advice right now don't be afraid to ask. The children wont be the challenge, the relationship with your husband will be. You should point him in this direction as well.

Good Luck,
ObW
X

[DarnelJackson1]

Just make sure that your children come first for both you & your ex-husband.

Your side relationships should be out of sight.