Somebody told my mother I'm gay

[Beaux]

Growing up, I was terrified to tell my Dad that I was gay. Then my wife caught me in bed with a guy and she told EVERYONE! All those years of worry, and my Dad was pretty much OK with it. My mother on the other hand...sheesh! She weren't NUTS!!! It took YEARS for her to come to terms with it! There was a period of about 5 years where she refused to speak to me (and I to her).
Now all is good. The secret? TIME. Give her time, love.
Best Wishes,
Beaux

[megumidesu]

Then my wife caught me in bed with a guy and she told EVERYONE!

i don't really blame her ...
if i had been her then i probably would have done the same ...

[MANREG]

Continue on with your life...Some times we need to make selfish choices and this may be one of those times you need to make one of those selfish choices.
Look up and and don't dwell in what has happened look forward to what your future has in store for you, life is hard at the best of times and we must rise above these occasions.
Your 26 years old I take it you should be almost independent by now and if not I think its best you start becoming your own person.
Good luck with everything bud.

Thank you Varanus, I read your message and finally could rest a little.
I think I'll try to be selfish but it is difficult.

Sorry to hear about your problem but if you think about it, your mother would find out sooner or later. You're 26 years old and sooner or later she will ask where are your girl friends, why aren't you married? It might take time for her to come round to seeing you as you are, as her son. In the meantime do as Varanus has suggested. Get on with your life and live it to the full. You cannot let one person, even if she is your mother ruin your happiness.

Siento lo de tu problema, pero si lo piensas bien, tu madre se enterara antes o después. Tienes 26 años y tarde o temprano se te preguntará dónde están tus amigas, ¿por qué no estás casado? Puede ser que tome tiempo para que aceptara tal como eres, como su hijo. Mientras tanto haz como Varanus ha sugerido. Sigue con tu vida y vivir plenamente. No se puede dejar que una persona, aunque ella sea tu madre, arruinar tu felicidad

She is always thinking. All the time. It could happen soon or later, but I was doing everything well to happen later, not now. I don't want to go right now cause she is the one who will suffer more... and I can't do that, seeing her suffering. If she wants me to leave, the I'll leave the house.

Your mom should consider what she's doing wrong RIGHT NOW, like saying those horrible, unloving things and even hiring a cop to follow you around. Sheesh, that's Jerry Springer material.

She did it before, after returning from Spain living there almost two years. She found that I had new friends nearby my neighborhood, and then one day she told me "ohh I know now who kind of new friends you have... one is like this and the other is like that... bla bla bla.... and I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH THEM ANYMORE."

My mom... she wants to know everything.

Sigh, this is so wrong...

What your mother did wrong? She really doesn't know? What about saying those things to you?
"I hate that person that ruined my world" - Would that be your mother? Because she was the one who hired the man. What her motivation could be? Did you ask her what she wanted to know? If she didn't know how to deal with the result, she shouldn't have had that terrible idea in the first place.
How can any parent hire someone to spy on their kids?
She doesn't know what to do with you? What about let you live YOUR life the way you want?

I am sorry, but it seems that it's time to accept that our parents are not perfect (it hurts, I know, it took me years to realize that). You are not the worst son in the world. It is your mother who will decide if the things between you are good or not. She needs to accept that you are not a kid anymore. It is her CHOICE to make a problem from your sexual orientation.

You are not supposed to please your parents. I know that it may sound wrong, but you are an adult and you can't live your life for others. You need to create a personal space around you and set some boundaries. And the others need to deal with that.

You are the "main man" in your life.

Let your mother think about it. Start to look for a place to live. Tell her that these are your personal things and you don't need to discuss them with her. You can offer her that you can talk about her sexual life, if she wants

Stop feeling bad. You did nothing wrong. It was your grandparents who didn't show your mother that she needed to be accepting in some matters and it's your mother who can't keep an open mind and have a strange limits to what is called a mother's love.

Hopefully, she will come around and apologize to you. If not, it is her choice. Your partner is/will be more important in your life.

Don't feel bad. You did nothing wrong. Please don't try to change because of your mother, don't let her guilt into anything. It's your life. She has hers. She has had some expectation, so have you.

Many hugs. Please stay at GS if you need any support.

Thanks Nick. And like I say before, she wants to know everything.
I accept my mom is not perfect, and I might know why. If I wanted to please my mom it's because my brother and sisters fail to her, they hurt her with bad choices in their lifes... and I was trying to be the perfect son... but this, this is just a completely mess.

So now I'm waiting, I haven't seen her since midnight. It's 8:30am and I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to face her again with her words and decision.

I couldn't find this answer more adequate. I'm struggling on how to tell my mom about it, and I don't know how here reaction would be, but I know that whateer it is, it will be up to her to make up her mind, even though, I hope not to get a reaction like the one you got...

Hopefully, she will be more mother like and accept you soon enough

Thanks. I hope the same.

A mothers love...

I don't know. It seems a few wrongs were done here on several sides. To me a mother should accept her child regardless of sexual preference.

But then my mother wasn't all to accepting either.

You are 26 and are an adult male. You are allowed to do pretty much whatever it is you want to do with your life.

In the end, sometime down the road, this will turn out to be a 'good thing'. Yes I know it doesn't feel that way right now, and yes you are hurting.. but eventually something good will come of this mess.

I suspect that once the shock of the news wears off she will come around. If you continue to be a 'good son' in other areas of your life and demonstrate that you are still the same man you were before she found out this minor detail she will come around.

I won't change who I am.
I'm a man, acting like a man, and she asked herlsef "but if you never had the voice like a girl, or dressing like"... she just doesn't understand it... I think she is expecting that gay guys are always trying to be a girl. That give me an idea of how bad is her definition of gay guy.

If I stayed with my mom all this time, it's because I wanted to take care of her. She is 61 yo, and she is not stronger as she used to be. My brother and sisters, they don't care about her, they are selfish, that's why it's difficult for me to be selfish now. I was her last hope... I was...

In this situation I'd be all like everyone just needs to clam down and breath a little. Then I'd tell your mum to get over it and that it doesn't change WHO YOU ARE.

I told her. But now she won't understand it.

The only thing Im not sure about is what your legal position is in Peru? Is being gay a crime there?

If so, then you need to think about your personal safety, especially as you were followed. You should also think about the safety of whomever you were meeting when followed....

As others have said, your 26, maybe this is what you needed to happen in order to cut the apron strings and start being who you are for you, and not for her.

Good Luck

ObW
X

It's not a crime... but it looks like isn't it?
I'm worry about my boyfriend, I called him an hour ago, we are texting each other to know how we are.

Thank you guys. You help more than a lot. Have no idea.

Now I will face my mom again, I don't know what she is going to do or what she decided. If she wants me to leave, then I will...

It is so hard live this moment. I read it before, with other cases, but living this moment is just terrible.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Stereotypes. She may indeed have a lot of concepts about what 'gay' is.

I suspect that given time and watching you (well not in bed no mother should see THAT) but in other areas of your life she will see that you are not 'stereotypical gay' and will find her own acceptance.

I take it that nothing about your character or personality has changed recently. Thus if you were a good man before she found out about the homosexuality, you are still a good man today. That will shine through - eventually. She will come to see that you are still her same son now as you were back then.

The only thing that has changed is that she has to rethink those 26 years of planning and at least 18 years of preparing you for the life she had in mind for you and dreamed of since the day you were born.

You know the day you were born Mom and Dad had your whole life planned out ahead of you. They geared up and worked toward seeing that they got you everything you needed (that they could get) to see to it you met this dream they had.

That dream was most likely the typical dream parents have. First of all, their kids have it better than they had, get a better education, get a better job, become more of a success.

Secondly, their kids grow up, get married (to the opposite sex) and make lots of grand children to carry on the family line. Most likely visions of white weddings and college and university graduations were included. They most likely were already trying different names for your children well before you could toddle around the house.

You shocked mom by seemingly stealing from her some parts of that dream. Now the white wedding is off, and she assumes that no matter how hard to try with a man, you will give her no grandchildren.

She spent what? 26 years of life expecting these things, working toward them through you?

You got to expect a little period of adjustment there, a little time to adapt to this new and totally undreamed of reality your 'lifestyle' presents.

She has to forget the names she picked out for your children (her grandchildren) and start worrying about what she does with that wedding band or other definitely female heirloom she planned on passing down to her daughter-in-law. I have no idea what her plans were for you and your WIFE - but now she has to rethink this and start planning for you and your HUSBAND...

She spent 18 years planning for this wife... Do you honestly think she can up and change all 18 years of planning in a single day?

On top of any of the stereotype images she has about the homosexuals, on top of any religious up bringing and teaching she may have, on top of what amounts to a betrayal of trust on your part in hiding this all important fact from her. Yes this last may seem odd and irrational - but it does happen.

No doubt she has many thoughts running through her head.

[MANREG]

Stereotypes. She may indeed have a lot of concepts about what 'gay' is.

I suspect that given time and watching you (well not in bed no mother should see THAT) but in other areas of your life she will see that you are not 'stereotypical gay' and will find her own acceptance.

I take it that nothing about your character or personality has changed recently. Thus if you were a good man before she found out about the homosexuality, you are still a good man today. That will shine through - eventually. She will come to see that you are still her same son now as you were back then.

The only thing that has changed is that she has to rethink those 26 years of planning and at least 18 years of preparing you for the life she had in mind for you and dreamed of since the day you were born.

You know the day you were born Mom and Dad had your whole life planned out ahead of you. They geared up and worked toward seeing that they got you everything you needed (that they could get) to see to it you met this dream they had.

That dream was most likely the typical dream parents have. First of all, their kids have it better than they had, get a better education, get a better job, become more of a success.

Secondly, their kids grow up, get married (to the opposite sex) and make lots of grand children to carry on the family line. Most likely visions of white weddings and college and university graduations were included. They most likely were already trying different names for your children well before you could toddle around the house.

You shocked mom by seemingly stealing from her some parts of that dream. Now the white wedding is off, and she assumes that no matter how hard to try with a man, you will give her no grandchildren.

She spent what? 26 years of life expecting these things, working toward them through you?

You got to expect a little period of adjustment there, a little time to adapt to this new and totally undreamed of reality your 'lifestyle' presents.

She has to forget the names she picked out for your children (her grandchildren) and start worrying about what she does with that wedding band or other definitely female heirloom she planned on passing down to her daughter-in-law. I have no idea what her plans were for you and your WIFE - but now she has to rethink this and start planning for you and your HUSBAND...

She spent 18 years planning for this wife... Do you honestly think she can up and change all 18 years of planning in a single day?

On top of any of the stereotype images she has about the homosexuals, on top of any religious up bringing and teaching she may have, on top of what amounts to a betrayal of trust on your part in hiding this all important fact from her. Yes this last may seem odd and irrational - but it does happen.

No doubt she has many thoughts running through her head.

Thank you Bowyn Aerrow.
I'm giving her space. She needs to think a lot, many ideas are running in her head but at the same time every minute that happen is like a month. I haven't talk to her since midnight and maybe I'll talk to her tomorrow, in fact I haven't seen her all day. I'm in my room waiting for...

I think the best is leave my mom's house. But I want to leave in good terms, no with this bad feeling between us,

[Grey]

I know how you feel. I came out to my parents at 17. I knew they were going to be upset but I never expected them to react so badly. My mom cried for weeks and My dad walked out on us over it. He died less than a year later without every speaking to me again. Even at his funeral I felt like I didn't have the right to be there, and I still feel like his early heart attack was my fault. Time heals every wound though. Now my mom tolerates it, although she still refers to my boyfriend as "a friend of my son's". It took awhile before she came around to even tolerating it, and it was so painful that they acted the way they did. Hang in there, Grey

[MANREG]

I know how you feel. I came out to my parents at 17. I knew they were going to be upset but I never expected them to react so badly. My mom cried for weeks and My dad walked out on us over it. He died less than a year later without every speaking to me again. Even at his funeral I felt like I didn't have the right to be there, and I still feel like his early heart attack was my fault. Time heals every wound though. Now my mom tolerates it, although she still refers to my boyfriend as "a friend of my son's". It took awhile before she came around to even tolerating it, and it was so painful that they acted the way they did. Hang in there, Grey

Thanky you so much Grey.

I't's been almost a week... but I have good news.

Today, I woke up late cause last night I couldn't sleep well, and I went to my living room and stayed there helping my big brother who is working in his office. I hear my mom coming and the she asked me about if I took my breakfast, I said no and she approachs me and hugs me so hard.

I cried, she cried... I didn't expect this. She hugged hard and told me "I want you continue with your life, your job, your studies... you are my son, no matter if you were a thief or drug addict, you still are my son" she didn't mention about I'm gay, the only thing she said about was "If you do something, do it in a hundred miles, I don't want to meet guys here, anybody" and I accepted, I promised her to do everything she wants like and HIV test...

Now, maybe in an hour or two, I will buy her a refrigerator cause the one she has doesn't combine with her kitchen (the color). She wants a white one.

Thank you to all you guys with your advices. It's time to get over it.Now begins something new in my life...

[LONDONER]

Good for you Manreg. I hope everything continues along those lines.

PS. Coloured 'fridges. are always a design mistake!

[MANREG]

Good for you Manreg. I hope everything continues along those lines.

PS. Coloured 'fridges. are always a design mistake!

haha thanks Londoner.

[BorneoJake]

I'm terribly sorry to hear this hun! No mother should ever say such things to their son or daughter. Just let yourself know you are a beautiful person by just being you. No matter how you feel there are people out there who care and accept who you are.