I need some advice... warning this is 18+

[rmf]

Hey everyone I need some advice...

I posted about my fiancé being depressed a few days ago and he brought something up yesterday evening that I am not sure how to handle...

He said lately he just feels empty and does not feel any emotion. And I said that may be due to the depression. Then he bought up this next topic and this is where I am a bit confused. He asked for the first time in our relationship for our sex life to go to the next level - he wants me to actually hurt him while having sex. He says this way he may feel some sort of emotion. He concluded with "I'm all yours, you can do anything you want to me"

How do I handle this

[hank]

Ask him what he means by "hurt him" or did he say? If it is something you don't think you could be comfortable with ask him to take it slow.

If i know any thing about love (I don't know much) you have to love your partner the way they need to be loved. That is a two way street, he needs to love you the way you need to be loved. Basically thus means adapt and over come obsticals. If you love him enough no obstacle is too great. but if thus is something you can't do, talk to him, tell him.

[rmf]

My problem is I'm scared to hurt him... like he pretty much wants to be raped.

[Varanus]

Figure out exactly what he wants and discuss the activities.
Safety words are always handy so establish a safe word that once spoken all play stops IMMEDIATELY (its best for all involved), if you dont feel comfortable in doing what your partner wants try finding a medium that the both of feel good with and take it slowly.
One does not just wake up and want to physically feel pain during sex, this is obviously something he has been thinking about for some time now i would believe.
Dont be judgemental and listen to what he has to say.

[rmf]

I'm not judging him at all. I'm a hit worried about his mental health to be honest

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Role-play rape is not entry level BDSM.

If neither of you have done it before, I would strongly suggest Master/Slave role play with a bit of bondage and light (very light) spanking. Verbal humiliation techniques, body and/or penis worship - things like that which will 'take power' from him, but not so utterly and completely as a rape scene would.

These other things are more or less 'entry level'.

BDSM is complex, requires a lot of communication and experience to get to these higher levels of 'game play'. Its not just a matter of having a safe word. One has to know their partner, and know the scene and have an ability to tell the partner 'no' (That means you as the dominating partner).

Rape albeit in 'fun' is a serious thing and impacts a person deeply on a psychological level.

If he is seeking physical pain as an outlet for emotional pain, then none of that spanking, whips, hard 'love making' or spankings should be done until he sees a doctor, gets a diagnoses and starts working on whatever is going on here.

If he has a 'cutters' mentality, it is real easy for him to graduate from 'lite' physical hurt to heavy as he seeks to hurt harder and deeper in order to get some 'relief'.

Physical pain causes the release of chemicals (endorphins). In BDSM 'scenes' where pain is employed, it is done so mythodically and with an understanding of how the brain works and what endorphins do.

Yes I know, we have lots of porn that shows 'leather sex' as being all whipping and pain and near rape, or total submission - that is a movie. Real BDSM is a bit more complex and what porn never shows is the after care.

http://friskybusinessboutique.com/news/b...hyperspace may give you some insight as to how and why 'rough sex' works and also gives you some better understanding of what you would need to learn in order to do it effectively.

There are other sites on the same subject as well: http://www.google.com/#sclient=psy-ab&q=...55&bih=707

If your BF didn't have serious issues at this time, I would say 'Yeah, go for it - go study, learn, take classes on the subject even.' (Yes there are classes, Google is our erotic love slave, erm I mean friend)

But this isn't the case, he has issues and he is seeking pain for some reason and apparently he is disconnecting with his own emotions to the point where he doesn't know if he is depressed, apathetic, or numb. This state of mind is the worst to start getting into role playing where his power is taken from him, or where physical pain is employed.

[archubbycub]

I have to agree with Bowyn on this. I think your BF has some deep underlying issues that need to be dealt with before any kind of BDSM play takes place. Granted I'm not a doctor, but you said your self he is depressed and he said he has that "empty feeling inside."

I know that feeling all to well. When I came out last year and went through the shit storm that was, I too was depressed and felt cold and empty inside. In an attempt to "just feel something" I started cutting myself. It's not something I'm proud of, but I did it and I can't change that fact now.

But all I'm saying is, I can understand where your BF is coming from, and I think you see it too, otherwise you wouldn't be seeking advice. Is he seeing a professional about his depression? Taking any medications? Because if not, I really think he should see someone. Again, I'm not a doctor, but before any "hurting" takes place you both need to find out what's going on to make him want to be hurt. Best of luck to you both.

[d3n]

Mmh yeah I agree with the others, depending on the severity of his seemingly depression you might want to seek a doctor.
In any case you might first want to try to talk to him to understand what's causing this emptiness. You maybe already did but make sure to let him know that you will support and love him in any way. I hope things get better!

[Geminize]

I don't have any experience with this sort of situation, except struggling with depression myself.

That said, I think your fiance needs help other than rough sex. I think BDSM can be a part of a healthy relationship, but he is obviously not in a healthy emotional state. My concern is that if you indulge his request, he may still feel numb and want to try more and more extreme pain in an effort to feel any emotion. If you do nothing, I worry that he may look outside of your relationship or try self destructive methods in order to feel.

I strongly suggest you seek professional help. If he is not willing to go that route, I think you would do well to meet a mental health provider yourself and at least talk about options. There are people in this forum who have posted about success with medication, temporary and ongoing. It may take some very small steps for him to get moving in a healthy direction. Your love and support are certainly important, but you need help.

I wish you both the best.

[Nick9]

He says this way he may feel some sort of emotion. He concluded with "I'm all yours, you can do anything you want to me"

I haven't read the responses, but the sentences above seem very creepy and dangerous to me. I would definitely not do that. You don't expect that now he doesn't feel anything, you beat him (ok, maybe not so much) and it will cure him and he will love you, do you?

I am afraid that if you do that, he would be disgusted. Because if he is depressed and feels numb, he couldn't possibly enjoy that. It could easily turn against you and it could be the first step to your break up.

I am afraid your friend needs help and then you can spice up your sex. I am afraid that this is his way how to cry for help. He is so desperate that he would do anything.