Hi ABomb and  to the forum.
Dont worry about Mr T. His bark is worse than his bite 
At the end of the day, only you really know what to do. After all its your relationship. Does he have any idea about how your feeling?
The big question for me would be, is he/the relationship worth fighting for?
If the answer is yes, then you both need to sit down and workout what you both want out the relationship, and how your going to get there.
If the answer is no, then you need to decide how your going to handle the situation (i.e. him) and how your going to untangle yourself from an 8 year relationship. You don't mention if your living together (I will assume you are after this length of time together) which will make things more complicated, but certainly not impossible. You may want to take some legal advice if there is property/civil partnership involved.
Either way, you will get plenty of positive (and negative) advice from people in here, but at the end of the day, only you know what the right thing to do is.
Whatever you decide, after 8 years of being together, you should at least communicate with each other.
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.
Good Luck
ObW
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MisterTinkles Wrote:WHY even be bothered with any kind of relationship if you're just going to sit there and whine about it, find problems with it, and tell people you think you should leave instead of being a decent person and either making it work instead of bitching and whining about it, or just move the fuck out and get your own life.
OMFG.....since Ive been on this site, theres been like 100 of the SAME EXACT whiny babies post the SAME EXACT thing on here!!
There are only TWO options:
1. Shut the hell up and make it WORK.
2. LEAVE.
Most of these posters just want people to feel sorry for them and "pat them on the back" and talk baby talk to them. Grow a pair of balls and DO something, dont just sit there and whine about it. It gets nauseating and stop copying all the other "feel sorry for me" posts!
Im starting to think this is one person with the same damn story, posting it under 100 different names, because they NEED people to feel sorry for them!!
Even if, honestly, like you, I don't think anyone can bring an useful answer for that kind of problem, I completly understand that posting in a completly neutral forum is a good way to have support, and to work things off.
Those kinds of problems are probably easier to solve at your age than at his. And nobody is emotionnaly equal, and none is fully responsible of ones emotion, that's why I think your answer is completely misplaced.
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Ekwarph Wrote:Even if, honestly, like you, I don't think anyone can bring an useful answer for that kind of problem, I completly understand that posting in a completly neutral forum is a good way to have support, and to work things off.
Those kinds of problems are probably easier to solve at your age than at his. And nobody is emotionnaly equal, and none is fully responsible of ones emotion, that's why I think your answer is completely misplaced.
As forward as he was, MisterTinkles does have a point. People in relationships need to talk to their partner if they feel something isn't right. A lot of the time on internet forums people are looking for verification from their peers there to tell them that they're okay when the fact is in subjects like this it is only the person's partner who can verify to them whether things are good or not.
Communication (or lack of) can be a massive killer in relationships. Society has become full of people wanting to make things look fine from the outside, personally I let people know when I'm not in a great mood as it saves me having to hide away so much.
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@MisterTinkles I believe we're not so much bitching as trying to find other people with the same experience, who might be able to put in words what we are struggling to do so. Discussion is a great medium for that. It's quite the leap to judge someone's entire relationship on a couple of lines of text!
@ABomb, I'm in the same situation as you saw from my thread. It's my first relationship too. I didn't really know what to expect, what are compatible signs, etc - so just went along with it, without ever asserting my needs. So now, there's a whole list I'd like to negotiate on, the kind of compromising that should've been doing from the start. Like you, I cannot express myself to friends whilst around him and feel my friendships are waning as a result. The inner self has been suppressed and the outer self has been molded into something akin to a Tory MP.
I don't buy into this "we may never find someone as good". Firstly, we already have a list of problems. It's probably a bad idea to do nothing about problems. Secondly, there are plenty of sea cucumbers in the sea. Every relationship is different, each with it's pros and cons. The real question for me is would I rather be single? Sometimes I feel the answer is yes, just so I can be who I want to be. But it'd be a waste not to try and adjust the relationship to a point where it works in both categories.
Be cautious cheating, as it's an action from which there is no return, and most of the time ruins relationships. There's nothing wrong with flirting, keeping your eyes open and perhaps a very quick drunken snog in a blue moon. These relationships are not unconditional!
My advice (which I may well follow myself!): Take a break for a couple of months, but still be faithful to each other, no dating. That space will allow you to consider your feelings, do some innocent flirting with other guys and to see how you feel. It will also send a clear message to him that your not happy. I think this gives him and you a fair chance to see if it can be worked out.
As per my thread, I did try this and it worked to a certain degree. We started compromising more. My problem is how do I backtrack that. For me, I want that guy who gives me butterflies in my stomach, even after the initial plateau. Can I get that with this guy?
Now, people have different opinions on what one should do. Take any advice with a pinch of salt, as only you know your relationship and what you want. It's more of an art than a science imo.
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Quote:Originally Posted by ABomb
It's almost like I can't really be the real me when I'm around him. When I'm out with my friends I'm the life and soul of the party and just having a great laugh. When he's there, I always feel that I need to look after him as he's much more shy. As a result I change.
You need to expect to change somewhat in a relationship, but hopefully more for the better. It sounds like the relationship is holding you back, and that's not a good thing. That doesn't mean anything about him not being a wonderful guy, just that you have a dynamic that isn't working for you.
I encourage you to focus on what you both want in the relationship, and be realistic about whether or not you can work together to make that happen. It's not always easy. You need to really examine yourself and be willing to communicate on a deep level. If your option is ending the relationship, you have nothing to lose.
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MisterTinkles Wrote:OMFG.....since Ive been on this site, theres been like 100 of the SAME EXACT whiny babies post the SAME EXACT thing on here!! Who pee'd in your Wheaties, Tinx?! How about the next time (and there will be a next time) this sort of post pops up you just roll your eyes and move on, instead of putting down a new member looking for advice?
Quote:There are only TWO options:
1. Shut the hell up and make it WORK.
2. LEAVE.
Some people live in a fantasy world where people are a collection of simple switches: on/off, yes/no, black/white, stay/go, good/bad, gay/str8. Real life and real relationships are a little more nuanced.
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I had the same question a few months ago.
But I'm close to 8 months of relationship and you are with your boyfriend 8 years. You maybe thought about this problem long time ago but you didn't realized what was going on.
When I go out with my friends, I'm just like you: the funny guy. The one who makes jokes, laughs and everything similar to that. But when I'm with him and his friends, I'm a little bit shy... What do I do? I enjoy the moment with him and think "this is what I always expected, be with the right guy and here he is, next to me... and the most important: he loves me and I love him"
Enjoy those moments, don't think about you are not you. Every moment is special, and with your boyfriend more. Don't leave him... you will regreat.
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MisterTinkles Wrote:It amazes me how people who have found someone so "wonderful", sit around thinking up reasons to bitch, whine, and complain about it, instead of putting all that wasted time and energy into making it a BETTER relationship.
Sorry, I have no sympathy for you.
I mostly agree with this.. to be honest.
I will say though, that if you're having issues with the relationship he should be the first to know. You should talk to him about your concerns..
If you're looking for the perfect person though, you'll never find it. No one is perfect, and no one will be completely like you. Some things (like being shyer) you just have to deal with.
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