06-17-2013, 08:51 AM
Dear Brothers,
I apologize, but I a can already tell this is going to be long. I don't know where to start. I have been upset for years now and this feeling and the culmination of other events has just exhausted my patients. I am just a man, and I am a man plagued with issues that I work on a daily purpose to determined what they are, and then eliminate them.
I recognize that to live as a human is to be tossed into the crucible of trials and effort, but at the same time it feels like its been nothing but these tribulations for time out of mind. The only difference from before compared to now is that I came out about a year ago. People seem to be fine with this and not surprised, which pisses me off to no end, but I can understand how they would know. I'll break down some things going on to deliver background context:
-I've been alone my whole life and have been an outsider looking in. I'm very intelligent, and although my grammar and spelling might suck, that does not mean correlation equals causation.
-I have lost a tremendous amount of weight. I've lost about 133 so far, but I'm still fucking fat. I am so tired of this grand battle that the reserves mentally I have in place to accomplish the genesis project is just...taxed to no end. I feel word out and tired, and that I have taken decades off my life and bodies reserves to accomplish the frumpish and soft look.
-I am tremendously in debt. I owe a quarter million in student loans and a minor amount in unsecured debt. This is soul crushing since I have a worthless undergrad degree. I have spent years looking to absolve and work on this debt, but to no avail. It boggles my mind how I could have borrowed so little and owe so much.
-I am timid, shy, and embarrassed most times while talking to a man. I can get about 5 lines of niceties communication, "how are you today?", and that's it! I have no idea where to go from there.
Now that you are aware of some things here is why I am so upset and lost in this world. Last week after weeks and weeks of testing, and 3 different Dr's opinions, I have been told that I am Bi-polar. Some of the masses or few who read this will cringe and think, "Corrupt" or "broken" when they read that, and they're right. I hate that this has happened. It's one thing to have something wrong with the body, but the mind...the mind is all we are. The irony being that I have a useless degree in psychology and didn't see this coming.
This diagnosis is upsetting because who wants a man who is fat, poor, broken mentally and physically? Now I should tell you that I do have some of the gay applications like grindr, scruff, ect. I have these since where I live is a terrible place for the gay community. Stuck in the Bible belt where baptists rein supreme, where bibles, bullets, and bass pro are on every ones mind. The only place I know of to meet men, and I've grown up here is one of the 2 gay bars downtown, and online. Further I hate the bars because, even though I feel that I am a great man with love in my heart, I walk in and the Amish shun occurs. It's like I'm infected with the plague and everyone just parts around me and walks away.
I have tried to date more and be evermore selective and less willy-nilly about who I talk to considering I was just desperate for someone...ANYONE...to feel anything remotely close to how I feel about others was welcome. Now I am to the point where I will take a new photo and put it up on grindr and be bombarded with people saying how handsome, gorgeous, and "hot" I look. I don't believe a one. Because, why should I? I mean considering when I was a bit heavier around 260, I went on some dates. I went on about 6 dates, which each time was new to me, but then became easier. Today the last of the 6 guys who I really liked all of them, and screened them the best I thought I could, told me today he has a boyfriend. I got so fucking mad! SO mad. I mean considering this guy was the one I liked the most, and then after we dated a few times I had shoulder surgery. I then went crazy and wrote him considering, "Hey, I cannot seem to text you." Which I never believed. But then again we would email. The double edged sword here is that I was able to write so much more than I intended, but at the same time he was able to misinterpret my words. A simple phone call calmed everything down. We we're friends for months, but he always kept me at arms length. Till today we were talking on grindr because, that's the only way we could talk since he was out of minutes. I asked how he was and the same 5 lines of niceties come out, then I asked about his family and any changes and he says, "they're good, the only other big change is that I have a BF now." I tried to act calm, but I was furious.
I am furious because it's so upsetting. Why would he lead me on so? Why does it seem like everyone is hooking up around me. I mean considering my perfect roommate, who I thought was straight, and looks like he could bench press Saturn, turns out to be gay. Then Perfection finally stops having the round robin men over and has one over, and it's his other perfect roommate. I'm so tired of being jealous and tired of being reminded that something is fucking wrong with me. I mean even if roommate was not interested in me he could at least be kind and give compliments or communicate better, on the other side of the coin, when I found out we had both inadvertently gone to the same gay bar and he says after I saw him, "Hey roommate, I didn't want to say anything, and I don't like to broadcast it, but yeah, I am gay. It's just something to share between us."........dude I told you when I moved in I was gay, and you lied by omission. Further It really scared me to tell you since you were hot, nice, and we live in southern MO, so I had to worry about the potentially immediate ass beating. He just said, "Oh i have no problem with that." The pain here is I'm so fucking bad at even telling who is gay. I just don't even know anymore.
I am lost here. I have been told I'm hot, handsome, gorgeous ect, but I don't believe them. I've lost a person in weight and I'm still gross looking. I've been alone my whole life, no relationships, and nothing even close to a similarity of this. I just...I am losing hope and losing faith. Nothing seems to change and nothing is getting better, just more complex and convoluted. It feels like I have to jump over 100 hurdles to clear one obstacle, but doing so generates 3 more to contend with. I just don't know. The problem is that even here my articulation does not match the furious despair in my mind. I'm so fed up. I'm considering just going out and buying tons of icing and wiping away any "success" I have had with weight loss. Funny story there I've only lost 4 pant sizes while losing a person. Ugg. Further the loneliness is indomitable and omnipresent.
Please advise me.
I apologize, but I a can already tell this is going to be long. I don't know where to start. I have been upset for years now and this feeling and the culmination of other events has just exhausted my patients. I am just a man, and I am a man plagued with issues that I work on a daily purpose to determined what they are, and then eliminate them.
I recognize that to live as a human is to be tossed into the crucible of trials and effort, but at the same time it feels like its been nothing but these tribulations for time out of mind. The only difference from before compared to now is that I came out about a year ago. People seem to be fine with this and not surprised, which pisses me off to no end, but I can understand how they would know. I'll break down some things going on to deliver background context:
-I've been alone my whole life and have been an outsider looking in. I'm very intelligent, and although my grammar and spelling might suck, that does not mean correlation equals causation.
-I have lost a tremendous amount of weight. I've lost about 133 so far, but I'm still fucking fat. I am so tired of this grand battle that the reserves mentally I have in place to accomplish the genesis project is just...taxed to no end. I feel word out and tired, and that I have taken decades off my life and bodies reserves to accomplish the frumpish and soft look.
-I am tremendously in debt. I owe a quarter million in student loans and a minor amount in unsecured debt. This is soul crushing since I have a worthless undergrad degree. I have spent years looking to absolve and work on this debt, but to no avail. It boggles my mind how I could have borrowed so little and owe so much.
-I am timid, shy, and embarrassed most times while talking to a man. I can get about 5 lines of niceties communication, "how are you today?", and that's it! I have no idea where to go from there.
Now that you are aware of some things here is why I am so upset and lost in this world. Last week after weeks and weeks of testing, and 3 different Dr's opinions, I have been told that I am Bi-polar. Some of the masses or few who read this will cringe and think, "Corrupt" or "broken" when they read that, and they're right. I hate that this has happened. It's one thing to have something wrong with the body, but the mind...the mind is all we are. The irony being that I have a useless degree in psychology and didn't see this coming.
This diagnosis is upsetting because who wants a man who is fat, poor, broken mentally and physically? Now I should tell you that I do have some of the gay applications like grindr, scruff, ect. I have these since where I live is a terrible place for the gay community. Stuck in the Bible belt where baptists rein supreme, where bibles, bullets, and bass pro are on every ones mind. The only place I know of to meet men, and I've grown up here is one of the 2 gay bars downtown, and online. Further I hate the bars because, even though I feel that I am a great man with love in my heart, I walk in and the Amish shun occurs. It's like I'm infected with the plague and everyone just parts around me and walks away.
I have tried to date more and be evermore selective and less willy-nilly about who I talk to considering I was just desperate for someone...ANYONE...to feel anything remotely close to how I feel about others was welcome. Now I am to the point where I will take a new photo and put it up on grindr and be bombarded with people saying how handsome, gorgeous, and "hot" I look. I don't believe a one. Because, why should I? I mean considering when I was a bit heavier around 260, I went on some dates. I went on about 6 dates, which each time was new to me, but then became easier. Today the last of the 6 guys who I really liked all of them, and screened them the best I thought I could, told me today he has a boyfriend. I got so fucking mad! SO mad. I mean considering this guy was the one I liked the most, and then after we dated a few times I had shoulder surgery. I then went crazy and wrote him considering, "Hey, I cannot seem to text you." Which I never believed. But then again we would email. The double edged sword here is that I was able to write so much more than I intended, but at the same time he was able to misinterpret my words. A simple phone call calmed everything down. We we're friends for months, but he always kept me at arms length. Till today we were talking on grindr because, that's the only way we could talk since he was out of minutes. I asked how he was and the same 5 lines of niceties come out, then I asked about his family and any changes and he says, "they're good, the only other big change is that I have a BF now." I tried to act calm, but I was furious.
I am furious because it's so upsetting. Why would he lead me on so? Why does it seem like everyone is hooking up around me. I mean considering my perfect roommate, who I thought was straight, and looks like he could bench press Saturn, turns out to be gay. Then Perfection finally stops having the round robin men over and has one over, and it's his other perfect roommate. I'm so tired of being jealous and tired of being reminded that something is fucking wrong with me. I mean even if roommate was not interested in me he could at least be kind and give compliments or communicate better, on the other side of the coin, when I found out we had both inadvertently gone to the same gay bar and he says after I saw him, "Hey roommate, I didn't want to say anything, and I don't like to broadcast it, but yeah, I am gay. It's just something to share between us."........dude I told you when I moved in I was gay, and you lied by omission. Further It really scared me to tell you since you were hot, nice, and we live in southern MO, so I had to worry about the potentially immediate ass beating. He just said, "Oh i have no problem with that." The pain here is I'm so fucking bad at even telling who is gay. I just don't even know anymore.
I am lost here. I have been told I'm hot, handsome, gorgeous ect, but I don't believe them. I've lost a person in weight and I'm still gross looking. I've been alone my whole life, no relationships, and nothing even close to a similarity of this. I just...I am losing hope and losing faith. Nothing seems to change and nothing is getting better, just more complex and convoluted. It feels like I have to jump over 100 hurdles to clear one obstacle, but doing so generates 3 more to contend with. I just don't know. The problem is that even here my articulation does not match the furious despair in my mind. I'm so fed up. I'm considering just going out and buying tons of icing and wiping away any "success" I have had with weight loss. Funny story there I've only lost 4 pant sizes while losing a person. Ugg. Further the loneliness is indomitable and omnipresent.
Please advise me.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Scorpio
I owe money for when I was a student. Talk to a debt helpline who can help you sort out your money situation. You will find a boyfriend but don't keep jusing grinder etc. try joining a group or do some volunteer work to meet men. As for having bi polar try not to worry I have mental health issues and I have learnt to live with it. If you ever want to talk just send me a Pm.
