Lost

[Greenbean]

Dear Brothers,
I apologize, but I a can already tell this is going to be long. I don't know where to start. I have been upset for years now and this feeling and the culmination of other events has just exhausted my patients. I am just a man, and I am a man plagued with issues that I work on a daily purpose to determined what they are, and then eliminate them.
I recognize that to live as a human is to be tossed into the crucible of trials and effort, but at the same time it feels like its been nothing but these tribulations for time out of mind. The only difference from before compared to now is that I came out about a year ago. People seem to be fine with this and not surprised, which pisses me off to no end, but I can understand how they would know. I'll break down some things going on to deliver background context:

-I've been alone my whole life and have been an outsider looking in. I'm very intelligent, and although my grammar and spelling might suck, that does not mean correlation equals causation.
-I have lost a tremendous amount of weight. I've lost about 133 so far, but I'm still fucking fat. I am so tired of this grand battle that the reserves mentally I have in place to accomplish the genesis project is just...taxed to no end. I feel word out and tired, and that I have taken decades off my life and bodies reserves to accomplish the frumpish and soft look.
-I am tremendously in debt. I owe a quarter million in student loans and a minor amount in unsecured debt. This is soul crushing since I have a worthless undergrad degree. I have spent years looking to absolve and work on this debt, but to no avail. It boggles my mind how I could have borrowed so little and owe so much.
-I am timid, shy, and embarrassed most times while talking to a man. I can get about 5 lines of niceties communication, "how are you today?", and that's it! I have no idea where to go from there.

Now that you are aware of some things here is why I am so upset and lost in this world. Last week after weeks and weeks of testing, and 3 different Dr's opinions, I have been told that I am Bi-polar. Some of the masses or few who read this will cringe and think, "Corrupt" or "broken" when they read that, and they're right. I hate that this has happened. It's one thing to have something wrong with the body, but the mind...the mind is all we are. The irony being that I have a useless degree in psychology and didn't see this coming.
This diagnosis is upsetting because who wants a man who is fat, poor, broken mentally and physically? Now I should tell you that I do have some of the gay applications like grindr, scruff, ect. I have these since where I live is a terrible place for the gay community. Stuck in the Bible belt where baptists rein supreme, where bibles, bullets, and bass pro are on every ones mind. The only place I know of to meet men, and I've grown up here is one of the 2 gay bars downtown, and online. Further I hate the bars because, even though I feel that I am a great man with love in my heart, I walk in and the Amish shun occurs. It's like I'm infected with the plague and everyone just parts around me and walks away.
I have tried to date more and be evermore selective and less willy-nilly about who I talk to considering I was just desperate for someone...ANYONE...to feel anything remotely close to how I feel about others was welcome. Now I am to the point where I will take a new photo and put it up on grindr and be bombarded with people saying how handsome, gorgeous, and "hot" I look. I don't believe a one. Because, why should I? I mean considering when I was a bit heavier around 260, I went on some dates. I went on about 6 dates, which each time was new to me, but then became easier. Today the last of the 6 guys who I really liked all of them, and screened them the best I thought I could, told me today he has a boyfriend. I got so fucking mad! SO mad. I mean considering this guy was the one I liked the most, and then after we dated a few times I had shoulder surgery. I then went crazy and wrote him considering, "Hey, I cannot seem to text you." Which I never believed. But then again we would email. The double edged sword here is that I was able to write so much more than I intended, but at the same time he was able to misinterpret my words. A simple phone call calmed everything down. We we're friends for months, but he always kept me at arms length. Till today we were talking on grindr because, that's the only way we could talk since he was out of minutes. I asked how he was and the same 5 lines of niceties come out, then I asked about his family and any changes and he says, "they're good, the only other big change is that I have a BF now." I tried to act calm, but I was furious.
I am furious because it's so upsetting. Why would he lead me on so? Why does it seem like everyone is hooking up around me. I mean considering my perfect roommate, who I thought was straight, and looks like he could bench press Saturn, turns out to be gay. Then Perfection finally stops having the round robin men over and has one over, and it's his other perfect roommate. I'm so tired of being jealous and tired of being reminded that something is fucking wrong with me. I mean even if roommate was not interested in me he could at least be kind and give compliments or communicate better, on the other side of the coin, when I found out we had both inadvertently gone to the same gay bar and he says after I saw him, "Hey roommate, I didn't want to say anything, and I don't like to broadcast it, but yeah, I am gay. It's just something to share between us."........dude I told you when I moved in I was gay, and you lied by omission. Further It really scared me to tell you since you were hot, nice, and we live in southern MO, so I had to worry about the potentially immediate ass beating. He just said, "Oh i have no problem with that." The pain here is I'm so fucking bad at even telling who is gay. I just don't even know anymore.
I am lost here. I have been told I'm hot, handsome, gorgeous ect, but I don't believe them. I've lost a person in weight and I'm still gross looking. I've been alone my whole life, no relationships, and nothing even close to a similarity of this. I just...I am losing hope and losing faith. Nothing seems to change and nothing is getting better, just more complex and convoluted. It feels like I have to jump over 100 hurdles to clear one obstacle, but doing so generates 3 more to contend with. I just don't know. The problem is that even here my articulation does not match the furious despair in my mind. I'm so fed up. I'm considering just going out and buying tons of icing and wiping away any "success" I have had with weight loss. Funny story there I've only lost 4 pant sizes while losing a person. Ugg. Further the loneliness is indomitable and omnipresent.
Please advise me.

[Dan1980]

Your a handsome man judging by your picture I owe money for when I was a student. Talk to a debt helpline who can help you sort out your money situation. You will find a boyfriend but don't keep jusing grinder etc. try joining a group or do some volunteer work to meet men. As for having bi polar try not to worry I have mental health issues and I have learnt to live with it. If you ever want to talk just send me a Pm.

[pellaz]

welcome to GaySpeak!


ya he's handsome


you know grinder has limitations so dont set the expectations so high but also dont drop it.

get a second opinion on the health issues

congratulations of the weight loss, start going to the gym, bike, run...

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Bi-polar - so you went 27 years before a diagnosis was rendered? Clearly you have your 'shit together' enough to keep that part of yourself from being a 'problem'. So you may be bi-polar, but its not as bad as you may think.

Overweight:

Google Gay Bears and you will find that there is a niche for your body type in the world.

You say in your profile Hairy legs and chest - OMG you are so cuddly!

I go walking in the local parks hoping I will get mauled by a bear.... :biggrin: I'm not alone in that, there are many guys of all sorts who want nothing more than to pair off with a bearish man. So there is a place for you and there is a lot of guys who would want you exactly as you are in this department.

According to your profile you are a 'top' - Lets face it, the Gay world is about 60% bottoms and 40% tops. That means there is a lot of potential mates out there for you. A Top Bear is the dream of many a gay man.


Debt: Well that is problematic, but it comes with this economy and this particular world. I have no sound advice... I do not have a head for finance.


Grind'r - I have to tell you Grind'r is not a dating site, its not the type of ap that is used to find a potential mate, it is I fear a place where guys go to have random sex hook-ups, to catch aids and die or something.

There are sites which are a bit more designed for dating and relationships. OKCupid http://www.okcupid.com/home is a free 'relationship' site where the main gist is to find a romance not a sex hook-up.

Bars - well if you are looking for hook-ups and alcoholics a bar is a good place to go. If you are looking for 'The one' then it mayn't be a good place.

Lastly, you are a goodlooking man... You may not see it, but you are.

I do hope you stick around Gayspeak and make some friends. Yeah you are in a bad place for LGBT community stuff, let us here be your gay community.

[megumidesu]

welcome to GS

i don't really have anything to add to what the others have said ... some good advice there ...
you look awesome in your picture ~~

[devahn8]

I'm not saying this just to make you feel better, but you're hot. I would've taken you even in my picky days. And isn't there medication for bi polar that will help ease side effect? Sweetie life's a bitch, you just have it make it your bitch.

Surround yourself with positive people and know that the world is your oyster.

xoxoxo

[LateBloomer]

Geeze, where to start?

Yeah, that picture is cute.

Basically I see two big problems.

1) Your constant search and frustration.
2) Lots of debt.

Good for you for dropping the weight. Keep it up. It's good for your physical and mental health.

Problem #1: You may not like what I have to say here: Stop Searching. I know you've always been alone. I know what that feels like. I was a 35 y/o virgin. My first relationship (with a woman) lasted 3 months. I went 8 more years before I dated again. In the meantime I did a LOT of work on MYSELF. I dated MYSELF. I got to know MYSELF. And only when I couldn't stand MYSELF any longer did I start looking for a partner. Your frustration comes from the fact that other people are "sensing" your "off centeredness"--to coin a term.

Get centered first. It's going to take a long time.

Problem #2: There are lots of articles on the Web about the problem of student loan debt. Short version: Sometimes if you go directly to the lender and say, Look, this is who I am and what I have and there is NO WAY I'm ever going to be able to pay that amount back (due to unemployment, sickness, injury, whatever...) they will negotiate a lower amount. But you need to do the research yourself to find out what options work best for you.

Forget about the romance and sex for awhile. That stuff comes later when you're in a different frame of mind.

Hope that helps a little.

[MisterTinkles]

Like.......OMG!!!!

With the exception of college, you pretty much have my earlier years in life down pat!!!

Honey, we need to TALK!

MO huh? Damn, was hoping you would be closer to Texas so I could get a rental car and meet you someplace so you can talk....but MO is out of my travel budget unfortunately.

Believe me, you are NOT feeling anything that I havent felt before, and for a long time!!! It was a knock down, drag out battle with myself to get me where I am today.

And I will tell you this........
Since 5th grade I have been 6 foot 4 inches tall. I weighed about 150 pounds until the late 1980's.
I started going to bars and clubs when I was about 16 or 17, never....NEVER got hit on!!! Not even ONCE!!!

But then in the late 80's I gained about 50 pounds and all of a sudden, my ass became "Mr. Grabby Land" at the bars and clubs!!!

I had about as my BF's as you have had, and yes, they were all losers in one fashion or another.

I also, have been called "cute", "handsome", and "husband material"..........FAH! I still dont believe any of that either.

If you can get enough posts on here to Private Message me, I can give you my private email....
IF you want to talk to someone like me. I dont know how many posts you have to have to be able to PM, but I dont think its many.

Anyway, Im here if you want to scream, rant, shout, and rip tree's in half.


Oh, and you CAN have some frosting....ON A CUPCAKE!!!
But you have to WALK IT OFF!!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

One post wonder, or have you given up Greenbean?

Do come back, we want to indoctrinate you and make you part of the cult - erm I mean club.. Yeah Club....:biggrin:

Honestly if you are just lurking, here is a good place to reach out to solid folk who will be friendly.

[oneofcuriousity]

Don't know if u'll see this but ur very good looking and u have a friendly smile.
Also don't call urself broken negative view will make it harder, look at what u achieved in losing weight. Some people don't even try, so ur stronger then you think.
Hope u come back the people on this forum give brilliant advice