07-08-2013, 02:33 AM
First off, my apologies if this is long. I appreciate people taking their time to read this and help me out.
I am in a tough situation, and I'm not sure what to do. I'll try to be brief while covering everything. I've had low self-esteem and low self-confidence ever since I can remember. I fell socially awkward. I have friends and everyone at work likes me; one co-worker even was surprised when I told her I lack confidence. It has turned me into a people-pleaser. I get my self-worth from people liking me. And I feel the only way people will like me is if I do things for them or never make a mistake.
Anyway, here is the situation. Several years ago, I started volunteering to mentor a teen foster youth. He has since aged out of care, and has been out of care for a couple years. About a year ago, I started looking at him differently and realized I had feelings for him. I hid them, because I didn't know how to tell him. He has considered himself bi, but now says he is straight. We ended up hooking up, and I fell for him even more. I finally told him, and he told me he didn't see me that way and would not be interested. I was crushed, but happy he could be so firm.
Fast forward a year or so to the present...and my feelings for him are back. I thought I was over him. We have hooked up several times since I told him that, and it was always just for fun. Recently, though, I can't deny that it means a lot more to me than I thought it did. And it breaks my heart that it doesn't mean anything to him.
This is my issue: I don't know what to do. Should I tell him again? He has a girlfriend now, and I know I have no shot, but I can't stop thinking about him. And this is where it gets trickier for me. He was living with his girlfriend and her family, and they are now kicking him out. He wants to move in with me and bring his girlfriend with him. I don't know if I can handle that, but I also don't know how to tell him no. If I tell him no, he will be homeless. I can tell him that only he can move in, but he will want to know why, and I would have to tell him it's because I can't bear to watch him and his girlfriend be a couple. They do everything a young couple would: kiss, cuddle, tickle, etc, and all I can think when they are doing stuff like that is think that I wish it could be me. I've let them spend the night before, and I usually end up having massive panic attacks and feeling extremely worthless and depressed.
I'm so confused and don't know what to do. Every time I think I have a handle on things, a new emotion or thought pops up, and I return to square one. I feel guilty and horrible telling him they can't move in because of my feelings, but I honestly cannot imagine having to watch the person I'm in love with show that affection to someone else every day in my own home. To make matters worse for me, I am the only person in his life who has stuck by him for any real period of time. His family didn't. Foster homes and social workers dropped out after he aged out of care. He makes friends, and then loses them easily. If I tell him we have to stop hanging out because of my feelings, I would be just another person in his life who abandoned him. And I don't want to cut him out of my life completely anyway. I want to get over my feelings for him and remain friends.
So, how do I get over him without taking him completely out of my life? Is that even possible? And what do I do about his request to move in at my place with his girlfriend?
I am in a tough situation, and I'm not sure what to do. I'll try to be brief while covering everything. I've had low self-esteem and low self-confidence ever since I can remember. I fell socially awkward. I have friends and everyone at work likes me; one co-worker even was surprised when I told her I lack confidence. It has turned me into a people-pleaser. I get my self-worth from people liking me. And I feel the only way people will like me is if I do things for them or never make a mistake.
Anyway, here is the situation. Several years ago, I started volunteering to mentor a teen foster youth. He has since aged out of care, and has been out of care for a couple years. About a year ago, I started looking at him differently and realized I had feelings for him. I hid them, because I didn't know how to tell him. He has considered himself bi, but now says he is straight. We ended up hooking up, and I fell for him even more. I finally told him, and he told me he didn't see me that way and would not be interested. I was crushed, but happy he could be so firm.
Fast forward a year or so to the present...and my feelings for him are back. I thought I was over him. We have hooked up several times since I told him that, and it was always just for fun. Recently, though, I can't deny that it means a lot more to me than I thought it did. And it breaks my heart that it doesn't mean anything to him.
This is my issue: I don't know what to do. Should I tell him again? He has a girlfriend now, and I know I have no shot, but I can't stop thinking about him. And this is where it gets trickier for me. He was living with his girlfriend and her family, and they are now kicking him out. He wants to move in with me and bring his girlfriend with him. I don't know if I can handle that, but I also don't know how to tell him no. If I tell him no, he will be homeless. I can tell him that only he can move in, but he will want to know why, and I would have to tell him it's because I can't bear to watch him and his girlfriend be a couple. They do everything a young couple would: kiss, cuddle, tickle, etc, and all I can think when they are doing stuff like that is think that I wish it could be me. I've let them spend the night before, and I usually end up having massive panic attacks and feeling extremely worthless and depressed.
I'm so confused and don't know what to do. Every time I think I have a handle on things, a new emotion or thought pops up, and I return to square one. I feel guilty and horrible telling him they can't move in because of my feelings, but I honestly cannot imagine having to watch the person I'm in love with show that affection to someone else every day in my own home. To make matters worse for me, I am the only person in his life who has stuck by him for any real period of time. His family didn't. Foster homes and social workers dropped out after he aged out of care. He makes friends, and then loses them easily. If I tell him we have to stop hanging out because of my feelings, I would be just another person in his life who abandoned him. And I don't want to cut him out of my life completely anyway. I want to get over my feelings for him and remain friends.
So, how do I get over him without taking him completely out of my life? Is that even possible? And what do I do about his request to move in at my place with his girlfriend?