Help, please. I need advice about a unique situation.

[PaperMachete]

First off, my apologies if this is long. I appreciate people taking their time to read this and help me out.

I am in a tough situation, and I'm not sure what to do. I'll try to be brief while covering everything. I've had low self-esteem and low self-confidence ever since I can remember. I fell socially awkward. I have friends and everyone at work likes me; one co-worker even was surprised when I told her I lack confidence. It has turned me into a people-pleaser. I get my self-worth from people liking me. And I feel the only way people will like me is if I do things for them or never make a mistake.

Anyway, here is the situation. Several years ago, I started volunteering to mentor a teen foster youth. He has since aged out of care, and has been out of care for a couple years. About a year ago, I started looking at him differently and realized I had feelings for him. I hid them, because I didn't know how to tell him. He has considered himself bi, but now says he is straight. We ended up hooking up, and I fell for him even more. I finally told him, and he told me he didn't see me that way and would not be interested. I was crushed, but happy he could be so firm.

Fast forward a year or so to the present...and my feelings for him are back. I thought I was over him. We have hooked up several times since I told him that, and it was always just for fun. Recently, though, I can't deny that it means a lot more to me than I thought it did. And it breaks my heart that it doesn't mean anything to him.

This is my issue: I don't know what to do. Should I tell him again? He has a girlfriend now, and I know I have no shot, but I can't stop thinking about him. And this is where it gets trickier for me. He was living with his girlfriend and her family, and they are now kicking him out. He wants to move in with me and bring his girlfriend with him. I don't know if I can handle that, but I also don't know how to tell him no. If I tell him no, he will be homeless. I can tell him that only he can move in, but he will want to know why, and I would have to tell him it's because I can't bear to watch him and his girlfriend be a couple. They do everything a young couple would: kiss, cuddle, tickle, etc, and all I can think when they are doing stuff like that is think that I wish it could be me. I've let them spend the night before, and I usually end up having massive panic attacks and feeling extremely worthless and depressed.

I'm so confused and don't know what to do. Every time I think I have a handle on things, a new emotion or thought pops up, and I return to square one. I feel guilty and horrible telling him they can't move in because of my feelings, but I honestly cannot imagine having to watch the person I'm in love with show that affection to someone else every day in my own home. To make matters worse for me, I am the only person in his life who has stuck by him for any real period of time. His family didn't. Foster homes and social workers dropped out after he aged out of care. He makes friends, and then loses them easily. If I tell him we have to stop hanging out because of my feelings, I would be just another person in his life who abandoned him. And I don't want to cut him out of my life completely anyway. I want to get over my feelings for him and remain friends.

So, how do I get over him without taking him completely out of my life? Is that even possible? And what do I do about his request to move in at my place with his girlfriend?

[gilhooly]

Back away quickly and look for a guy you can love without reservations. You are hurting yourself right now. You will soon start hurting your friend. let him have his love affair with the girl and keep your nose out of it.

In a year it may be over and he will look at you in a new light. Right now you are a walking disaster for both of you. You could get yourself severly beaten if you meddle in some one else's life.

Take care!!!!

[PaperMachete]

Thank you. I know I don't have to worry about getting physically hurt. He wouldn't beat me up for this. And I wouldn't want to break them up. As much as I want to be with him, I only want to be with him if he wants to be with me, not because I was somehow able to drive a wedge between them and pry him away. I just really don't know how to talk to him about all this, or even if I should. And add the issue with him needing a place to stay and wanting to bring her too, and I really don't know what to do except sit and have panic attacks.

[LONDONER]

He has made himself clear that he is not interested. Respect his wishes. If you insist on proceeding down your present road you may well find yourself in real legal difficulties.

[PaperMachete]

Thank you for the blunt straight talk. I need people to tell me exactly what they think rather than trying to sugar-coat a response. You did bring up something that I wasn't even considering, so I'll ask: what legal difficulties?

[LONDONER]

You're 30 years old and you were mentoring a teenager and you want to persue him for your own personal reasons in spite of his saying that he is not interested. If you insist on continuing there is a possibility that either he or the organisation that you represent could take legal action against you for "inappropriate behaviour" exceeding your authority or the remit of your job.

In addition to that you say he now has a girlfriend. Leave the guy alone. You are going down a dead end road.

[Geminize]

I think it would be a huge mistake to let them move in with you. Your feelings are too intense and conflicted. I hope you can find a way to tell him that and remain friends. It's not that you are rejecting him -- quite the contrary. You have such strong feelings for him that you can't bear the pain of seeing him with his girlfriend in your own home. I hope he can understand that.

At the most you might offer him a place to crash for a couple weeks (NO MORE) while he figures out his next step. Even that is risky, given your feelings for him. If he doesn't understand your feelings it may be best to cut off your friendship for a while. You need to take care of yourself, and if he can't empathize with what you're going through it may be best to limit your contact with him.

It sucks, but sometimes we need to make tough choices to take care of our own needs. I wish you the best in this.

[PaperMachete]

Londoner - Just to be clear, he is no longer a teenager, no longer in foster care, and I no longer officially mentor him. I did not try anything with him when I was in an official capacity. I did not have feelings for him then. The feelings didn't develop until after he was out of care and over the age of consent. I started to get to know him as an adult and complete person, rather than a kid I was asked to work with. But point well taken. I can see people or the organization having concerns about that. And excellent point about going down a dead end road. It very much feels like that, but I can't help but want to travel it anyway. That is why I'm so confused emotionally right now. Logically, I think it would likely be a bad relationship, but emotionally, I want to be with him so badly. I've always listened to the logical side of my brain, even to the ends of suppressing my emotions and ignoring them. Now my emotions are grabbing me and telling me to go along for the ride.

Geminize - Thank you! I rarely think about taking care of myself and my needs. I'm constantly thinking about the needs of others.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Sorry, this situation isn't this unique.

1. He is straight. And he knows you want to bed him and he will use that to use you for a place to flop.

2. You have issues - get therapy, or have a doctor prescribe you anti-anxiety pills - gee there is a pill for everything now days.

3. Your plan to separate him from the girlfriend is creepy (at best). Pretty darn sick in the head sort of stuff you are thinking about doing, at best selfish at worse well 'creepy'.

4. Your unrequited love thing isn't romantic, its um what is the word I am looking for - oh yeah - creepy.

Look - you tried with him, he told you he is not interested. He won't suddenly become interested, and clearly he views himself as straight and he has a mate already.

Let him go, move on - in fact your best bet is to cut off all ties.

You have issues which have clouded your judgement - what really sucks is you can list those issues but apparently haven't worked on them or tried to change what you can. Thus you are putting yourself in this sort of situation.

[LONDONER]

Thank you for the blunt straight talk. I need people to tell me exactly what they think rather than trying to sugar-coat a response.

We don't give sugar coated responses here, we tell it straight. All the responses so far have told you to back off. Take notice of them. No matter that he is no longer a teenager, no matter that you no longer mentor him, he has made clear his feelings. Do not under any circumstances offer him accommodation, you will only complicate the situation further.