Need advice about my 15 year old

[wondering1]

Maybe this is not the right forum or I should ask a doctor, but if you have any advice, please let me know.

I'm a mom and my son is 15 and told me he is gay about 6 months ago.

I have no problem with him being gay. My concern is that he has mild Aspergers, dyslexia and ADHD- on meds for ADHD. Where we live it is completely accepted. He lost no friends and some of his friends are football jocks. Most are not gay.

My concern is that he has a hard time reading people and understanding human interaction because of some of his problems. It's perfectly normal when you are at a sleepover and be attracted to the same sex. I worry that happened and between his issues and the acceptance of our school (not complaining) it seemed like an easy explanation to him. I have 2 older sons who have none of the medical issues and are not gay. He acts no different from them and is not interested in anything that remotely gave me a clue that this was coming.

All I want is for him to be happy in life and I am not sure he fully understands. I guess the part you all can help me with would be the sleepovers as a 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th grader combined with acceptance now. When I was in 5th grade, I had a sexual attraction to a girl at a sleepover and I guess it confused me a bit, but I never thought I was gay. Back then you didn't jump to that conclusion I think.

Thanks so much!

[Nick9]

hi and welcome,

I am not sure I understand. So you think that he felt attraction to his friend (a boy) during a sleepover and that made him think he was gay, but he in fact may not be?

[kidchameleon]

Maybe this is not the right forum or I should ask a doctor, but if you have any advice, please let me know.

I'm a mom and my son is 15 and told me he is gay about 6 months ago.

I have no problem with him being gay. My concern is that he has mild Aspergers, dyslexia and ADHD- on meds for ADHD. Where we live it is completely accepted. He lost no friends and some of his friends are football jocks. Most are not gay.

My concern is that he has a hard time reading people and understanding human interaction because of some of his problems. It's perfectly normal when you are at a sleepover and be attracted to the same sex. I worry that happened and between his issues and the acceptance of our school (not complaining) it seemed like an easy explanation to him. I have 2 older sons who have none of the medical issues and are not gay. He acts no different from them and is not interested in anything that remotely gave me a clue that this was coming.

All I want is for him to be happy in life and I am not sure he fully understands. I guess the part you all can help me with would be the sleepovers as a 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th grader combined with acceptance now. When I was in 5th grade, I had a sexual attraction to a girl at a sleepover and I guess it confused me a bit, but I never thought I was gay. Back then you didn't jump to that conclusion I think.

Thanks so much!

I'm not quite sure I completely believe that you have no problem with your son being gay, as what you're saying kinda of gives me the impression that you're trying to convince yourself he isn't.

I don't particularly think his having dyslexia or ADHD has anything to do with his sexuality, and as someone who was also diagnosed with aspergers syndrome as a child (also mild), I really don't think his having it would in any way confuse him as to his own sexuality.

While he is still at a young age, and it could be a "phase", I think you really need to have an actual talk with him, and try to understand his feelings from his point of view, instead of assuming it is related to sleepovers because you had a personal experience of that kind.

Homosexuality doesn't require any "tell-tale signs", so the fact that he hasn't shown it also isn't evidence in itself. I think you should just focus on the positives, like the fact that people have been so acceptant? Though, I wonder why you can't share this acceptance?

Quite frankly, the fact that you think he requires a doctor is a little worrying... and also the fact that you assume he is "jumping to conclusions". While aspergers can cause people to have problems understanding others, I'm pretty sure it doesn't cause any problems in understanding the self.

Talk to your son, and don't question him. If it turns out to be a phase then fair enough, but if this is who he is - and he sees you trying to explain it away - you may end up hurting him. It's not a very nice feeling to have a parent try to convince you you're someone you're not - especially if everyone else has been able to accept it.

[Kiid]

She's a mum guys they worry about the smallest things u.u
~~~
Welcome to the forum wondering
There is nothing to be afraid of. I came out at the age of 15 and if he comes onto one of his friends and his friend doesn't want it they will usually just say no. I've asked out a few of my straight friends and they are just all like 'I'm not gay' And that's as far as it usually get.

Don't worry so much let him be himself.

[pellaz]

Welcome to gay speak

Just for reference being gay means you are more successful forming relationships with he same sex
No more or less

[James]

Hi wondering one and welcome, visit the what age did you know you were gay thread, submitted by another concerned mother, some info there, also talk to rainbow mum who is a straight female with a gay son, pleased to have you here as this is a support group, James

[Bowyn Aerrow]

An interesting study or two, the first done in India saw a correlation between fertile women and their last male child(ren) being homosexual. If he is the the youngest and you are a fertile woman (easy to pregnancy) it may be that property kicking in.

In essence, the older (first born) males are born 'straight' and later children (youngest0 end up being bent slightly. Which if you follow any of the links on the study the whole 'making mom more fertile' makes for a very good reason that homosexual men are still around.

Mild Aspergers, dyslexia and ADHD are an interesting combination, but I don't think that they would lead him to misjudging how he feels about himself. Sure Mild Aspergers makes it difficult to figure out others but I would assume he is comfortable enough himself to know what he wants.

It's perfectly normal when you are at a sleepover and be attracted to the same sex.

Really? I never heard of that. Where did you get that fact from? Your own personal experience doesn't mean it is his personal experience. Does it?

Being gay I can't possibly see myself at a girl's place for a sleep over and being attracted to her. I would assume that straight guys at a sleep over with other guys wouldn't have sexual attraction just because its a sleep-over.

I could be wrong, but I am the first to admit I do not understand heterosexuality - I know it exists but for the life of me I can't see the attraction. :tongue:

He acts no different from them and is not interested in anything that remotely gave me a clue that this was coming.

You are expecting there to be clues - what clues I have no idea. Other than finding him kissing a boy (or more) the only thing you can really know by is what he says.

If you met me face to face you would immediately decide I was straight. Why? I dress like a straight man, talk like a straight man, walk like a straight man, I have decidedly straight man interests such as hunting, fishing, camping, played football and baseball - I do not have a sense of color, I have no idea 'who is being worn' (fashion crap - who cares?), I am not in touch with my emotions - I can butcher hair - don't ask me to style it unless you want a bowl cut. I do use tools, I'm a carpenter by trade. I garden, I can find my way around the engine compartment of a car.

Thee is no outward sign that I am gay, there are no public behaviors that screams 'This guy is a gay!' I am not alone in this, there is a fairly large underground (hidden) gay community of 'straight acting' homosexuals and lesbians - we act as expected by society based on our gender. And it is not an act, its just who we are.

Its called 'straight acting' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straight-acting it is highly possible that your son is 'straight acting'... Thus other than his word and if you catch him kissing another boy there will be no outward sign of his being gay.

He may be going through a phase, but I suspect that he may have a much better understanding of his own little world and himself - this is something that people on the spectrum appear to have in common, they know what they want, what they need - they just don't know how to tell it to the rest of the world, or just can't read what other's want.

[MisterTinkles]

A lot of people....and I mean a LOT of people have difficulties "reading" other people. Having these problems or issues does not make him more adept at handling them or worse at handling them.

He is young, he still has lots of learning to do growing up. All kids have to deal with this....growing up and learning I mean.

He has two older brothers, and Im sure they look out for him. At least thats what I assume.
Just like anyone who has issues in life, he will have to learn how to use what senses he can, in order to define a situation or person. Just because he has these issues, doesnt make him totally incapable of making decisions concerning others' actions and words around him.

If you have concerns, then I would have a family meeting and address those concerns. Let your kids tell you whats going on in their lives and how he handles and deals with others around him.

Talk to your kids. Let them know you want to be kept in the loop, as far as anything going on that might be worrying to them or possibly to you.

[wondering1]

Thank you for all the links and advice to look at some other threads. I will read through them.

I meant that I will ask the doctor about how Aspergers could or could not be a factor. I was not expecting any medical advice, though curious if anyone had Aspergers and is gay and could speak to that.

@kidchameleon- I am trying to understand and educate myself and asking for advice. The assumptions you made aren't helpful. I love my son. If my sons without the medical issues told me they were gay, I would not be wondering. You don't know him, so please give me the benefit of the doubt.

Sleepovers- when I was a kid- age 8-11ish, we'd play truth or dare with neighbor kids or on weekend sleepovers. Sometimes I got a bit tingly even if only girls were there. I have read that young kids can have these feelings and it's perfectly normal. Only thing is, now a 1o year might think it means they are gay when maybe they are not. Combine that with his neurological problems and meds and maybe it is confusing. Maybe not-that's why I'm here. To learn.

I have a very open dialogue with my kids, but on this subject, my son says he will not talk about it and that he has a right to keep it private.

Peace.

[kidchameleon]

Thank you for all the links and advice to look at some other threads. I will read through them.

I meant that I will ask the doctor about how Aspergers could or could not be a factor. I was not expecting any medical advice, though curious if anyone had Aspergers and is gay and could speak to that.

@kidchameleon- I am trying to understand and educate myself and asking for advice. The assumptions you made aren't helpful. I love my son. If my sons without the medical issues told me they were gay, I would not be wondering. You don't know him, so please give me the benefit of the doubt.

Was not making assumptions based on anything other than what you said. You described your sons aspergers as mild, which was the main thing that made me confused as to your general reactions. As the mother of a child with aspergers I assumed your doctor would have already gone through most of its issues with you, and sexuality is not one of them.

And if the recommendation that you try to talk to your son, or see things from your sons perspective wasn't helpful to you, well I apologize for that... but if he doesn't want to talk with you about it there may be a reason for it. Try giving him some space on the matter, and letting him work it all out himself.