My husband and I had a talk not too long ago about our sexual fantasies and a few of his had homoerotic tones. I'm open and willing to try new things but I recently found a few text messages to his work buddy. I'm concerned that he's exploring outside of our marriage. Two questions... 1) What is your take on his texts (see below) and 2) how do I approach my straight husband about his sexuality without embarrassing him or making him defensive??
Yesterday my husband called this friend (hereafter known as Jason). Jason didn't answer but texted "In a brief". My husband replied "Love you" Jason texted back "Love u more". On July 2nd my husband texts Jason "I love you boo boo hope you have a great trip please don't think about work" Jason responds "U are so sweet <3 u 2". On June 28th they're texting about how Jason has my husband's hammer at work, my husband thanks him and texts "love you" Jason replies "u just love my cock in your mouth" my husband answers "I do". On June 27th they're texting and my husband says "f*ck you" Jason responds "No f*ck WITH me and I'll make our mouth sore" my husband's reply is "just don't give me mouth sores".
Am I crazy??
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So it definitely sounds like he's exploring with this guy? What are the chances he's just "joking" around with a buddy? Thank you for giving me my sanity back. I've been torn all day about whether I'm making something from nothing.
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You're not crazy, it is entirely possible that your husband may be looking to explore other sides to his sexuality.
It's also entirely possible that he and his buddy at work relate to each other in a way that seems very strange to someone else.
The only way that you will know what's going on is to talk to him about it.
As to how you approach him, that all depends on how the two of you communicate.
I know if I was with someone that wanted to approach me about me not holding up my end of the relationship bargain, I would probably be les concerned about that part than about why my partner was reading my text messages, but that's just me.
In the end, any relationship, marriage, partnership, is about communication and trust. It sounds like you guys might need to work on both things. But it starts with communicating your feelings to him.
Richard
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You are not crazy to be concerned. In answer to your questions:
1) My take is that he has already explored with Jason outside of your marriage. I could be wrong, it may all be fantasy, but I'd be surprised.
2) You already have an opening since you had that recent conversation where he volunteered that he has homoerotic fantasies. Follow up on that. Let him know that you are open minded, but that you want to know if he feels a need to explore with anyone else.
Your husband may be gay, and not wanting to deal with that openly. He may be bisexual and feeling a need to explore and express that. In a marriage, he owes you the honesty of dealing with what's going on for him. I give you credit for being sensitive to his needs, but take care of your own as well.
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I'm not a bookie so I can't give odds.
Only you know your husband. If you want to get to the bottom of this - then hand him your post - don't say anything and see how he reacts. You will know in your gut if there's a reasonable explanation for this or your are being lied to.
You can then decide, how you want to handle the situation. It's a tough place to be.
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I'm kind of confused about this. How did you find his text messages? Were you looking for them, or did they pop out and surprise you, or did he want you to find them?
It they're real, then I think he's been messing around (you know what I mean), in which case you have to make the classic decision:
1) Call a lawyer and then go and stay with your mother
2) Try and find out what's happening and if there's a solution
You're the only one who can make that call. Good luck.
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Thank you guys. Yes, I know I shouldn't be reading his texts, it started out innocent enough, my phone was dead and I texted my sister from his phone and I got carried away. No excuse, I know. I'm worried that I'll embarrass him, especially if he isn't admitting to himself that he feels this way. I want to have an open talk about it and I thought about taking the heat off of him and suggesting a mmf threesome so he doesn't have to approach the topic with me but I'm worried about his reaction. If he isn't curious about men then I've attacked his manhood, if he is and embarrassed to admit it then he's going to get defensive and make me the scapegoat for his guilt. How would you want to be approached with this topic?
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They're definitely real texts. There are more but they're normal, friendly conversations about work. These were just the one's that had my alarms going off. I'm pretty open, if that's what you're into, I'm willing to do things (like a mmf threesome) to keep your sexual appetite sated. Again, my concern lies with the (alleged) cheating and how to make this something we can talk about without him feeling judged or embarrassed.
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I'm getting even more confused now. Presumably the pair of you were out of the house, because otherwise you would have plugged the phone in and used it while it was recharging. So he hands you his phone without deleting a whole load of dubious texts and watches while you not only send a text but then spend the next five minutes going through said texts in enough detail that you can reproduce them here?
If that is true, then he wanted you to find them, and find out what's been going on. You may as well confront him about it in that case.
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My husband is having gay fantasies...
