Concerned about my son's sexuality

[BillMichaels]

Well, I kinda figured I would go to place that understands this better than the neanderthal world i live in. So I ended up here looking for advice.

I recently discovered through internet history my 12yr old son had been looking up how to masturbate, the rock penis, vin deisel penis, some kid from the disney channel naked, and onlydudes (a pretty hardcore gay porn site)....everything except the gay porn he looked up once, but the gay porn site he looked up over 10 times...that I know of

So I asked him what's up and he denied it for a day, I told him i love him no matter what, (although the caveman inside of me wanted to scream why are you looking up this homo shit) sorry if I offend, I don't mean to it's just who I am...but i wouldn't just drop it, so he admitted to me he was looking at the gay porn and he didn't know why, and he couldn't help it...he said he was not gay.....Which I assume he would say based on my meathead mentality, of always calling things I don't like "gay" or referring to people as "homos" when none of which is even relevant to the situation of homosexuality.

He's just like me as a kid for the most part, quiet, indoor kid, not into sports, good in school, kids like him, no bullying(I've always asked him and his teachers, due to my overprotective nature)...he even had a "girlfriend" for a month in the previous schoolyear...one of those little kid relationships..I think SHE decided they were in a relationship ..Lol

as far as me and him, we are as close as a parent and a kid could be...we do everything together...other than his life on xbox live, which I thought may have some play in whre he was inspired to look this stuff up, unless it's just curiousity...this is why i was so shocked when i discovered this, I feel like I don't even know my own son.

So I'm sure I could be labeled homophobic, but I can change..it's possible I've changed before...I'm just looking for any thoughts or advice from people who have lived this or can relate.

thanks

[TKC]

Hey Bill,

First, to be blunt and tell you what you already know...it sounds like your son is probably gay. Especially if there aren't at least a comparable amount of "straight porn" queries in his browser history and, even if that were the case, it really wouldn't guarantee anything.

I'm not a parent - yet - but I can tell you what I went through with my Dad.

But first, here's some solid advice...

Even if he's just curious and turns out to be straight - you've GOT to change your image on how you view us gays. You just have to, and I acknowledge that even coming here to ask your question and post your concerns is a great first step. You don't have to do it for the rest of us, but *IF* your son is gay, it will make it so much harder for him to admit it to you, and maybe he never will, if you don't change your perception of us so he can change his perception of how you may handle it. It makes it incredibly more important since yall are so close. This could have longer and farther reaching impacts on his life than you could EVER imagine...coming out is second hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and it's only second to burying my dad when I was 22.

My Dad, well, we didn't have a great relationship growing up. He was a religious nut, which lead to both of his divorces, wasn't super keen on gay folk, and just generally intolerant of anything that wasn't a hateful bigoted fundamentalist "Christian". To make matters worse, my folks divorced when I was about 4, and at that point he only four kids on child support (only two of us his biological children, but he paid child support for my other two sisters from my mom). So, even when I got to see him, he'd pick me up, we'd do dinner and a movie, go back to his place where he'd immediately go to sleep and then just had to work the rest of the weekend. Luckily, Dad figured out he was failing at life, and changed completely, almost overnight, to Ward-Fucking-Cleaver. The last four years with him were incredible.

That said, Dad was still mid-transition into Great Dad when I decided I had to come out. I'd stayed in the closet for 10 years because of perceived complications with my family because of a only a handful of gay jokes or a general derogatory view point that I perceived before I'd reached double digits in age. Seriously, take a minute to think about that. Before I was your son's age, I'd decided I couldn't tell my parents that I was gay because I'd learned that "Gay was not ok" by only hearing a few gay jokes that they carelessly through out there. Now, translate that into what your son may be feeling/have experienced. At 18, I'd had enough of it. So, I came out to just about everyone, but waited a full 6 months longer for him because he was the one I thought would judge the most.

The curious thing is, my only sibling through him, my sister from another mom, is a lesbian. We came out to each other on the same phone call, and she paved the way for me to come out to Dad (as she's the older sibling). When I finally gathered up the courage, it really turned out to be no big deal - and I'm incredibly lucky in that regard. The build up, however, was terrifying.

That said, years later Dad would tell stories about how he came to accept both of his kids (with two different mothers) were gay. He once told my sister "You know, I'm fine with you being gay, it doesn't bother me at all, but I've found that I have a really hard time saying the word 'Lesbian'. So...I practice in front of the mirror every day. I'll just look myself in the eye and say 'llllllllllleeeeeeeeesssssssssbbbbbbbbiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaannnnnnn' 'Lesbian' 'llllllllllllllllesbiannnnnnnnn' and I'm getting pretty ok with it". By the time he passed, he'd actively ask people he just met how they felt about gay people because both of his kids were gay (and both independent adults at this time) and he didn't have time for anyone in his life that was homophobic. Hell, by then, he had more gay friends than straight ones and admitted that he'd gotten to a point in his life that he could have seen himself in a relationship with a man as love is about souls connecting, not which peg goes in which hole.

All of that said, my family are great folks, and the idea of coming out to them terrified me *SO* much that I spent many years trying to hide from the fact that I was gay. I started smoking pot at 11, by 16 I'd shot up heroin. I don't remember most of my teenaged years because I was high for the majority of them. The only thing that finally got me to stop was when I realized if I kept going I was going to kill myself...and my family's perceived judgement of me wasn't worth that - even if I lost them all.

If your son is gay - and it sounds like he probably is - the next few years in public school will likely torment him. He'll likely hate that he's not like everyone else, and the other kids will likely call him gay, fag, homo, or something much worse at some point, because that's what kids do - whether they actually believe he's gay or not. He *WILL* internalize this, and it *WILL* crush his self-esteem.

You OWE it to HIM to change your perception of us, to make sure that you're not just feeding him lip-service when you tell him that if he were gay it wouldn't change anything and you'd still love him. You OWE it to HIM to present a understanding and accepting attitude around/towards anyone in any community - including the GLBTQ community. AND, while you're working on that, if you have any tendencies towards being xenophobic, you might work on those two - because at some point he'll probably bring home a boyfriend of a different race.

[LONDONER]

He might well be gay but on the other hand he might just be going through a stage of adolecent curiosity. Whatever, there is precious little you can change him so I think that you will just have to let nature take its course, You seem an understanding man and I confess a little surprise that you didn't even think of activating parental control on your son's computer that would have prevented him accessing those sites. I'm not entirely in favour of censorship but I do believe that some sites really are not suitable for very young eyes and that they can have a lasting and not entirely positive influence on some young people.

I do not have children but would it be possible for you to sit down with him once day and have a serious discussion with him about all aspects of sexuality or has he already rejected that?

[VileKyle]

He could just be experimenting. He might be gay. He might be straight. He might be bi. At that young of an age, it's hard to say where anyone really lies in that confusing spectrum. I say just be patient and let him love whoever he ends up loving. Just be supportive and let him know that you'll always be his dad. That's all a kid ever needs from their parents.

I know from personal experience that in some (or most) parts of the world, homosexuality is a joke. I was there too, once, and I won't judge you for it. Your true colors come out in how you respond to the reality of it. So thank you for being there for your son.

[BillMichaels]

Londoner- I have no filters because he seems like such a little innocent boy playing his video games, he's never shown any interest in anything sexually. If we watch a movie and there was anything adult such as a scene with kissing, he would always just look away. He just did the health class this year too where the discussed sex, and he was real embarrassed by it. I figured he would be a late bloomer? I guess I was wrong, right now I've decided to drop it because i know he feels real uncomfortable of my discovery. I'm going to give it a few days or a week and I would like to have that talk you suggested...great advice thank you


Vilekyle, ya sorry I'm just an a-hole like that. I've never had any really had any homosexual friends, so I can't understand what they've gone through in life...but who know I might be having one sooner than I think

Krupt, you definitely kicked me in the balls with your post, but I feel it's well deserved...I realize my words and actions have been inappropriate and I'm going to do everything possible not to say things the way I have in the past. I truly do love him no matter what, I've been googling everything I can on how to accept the differences he and I may have, or how to treat him,or how to adjust... I really don't know what the words are that I'm looking for . I feel like I need to love and protect him more than ever now. Because if he is gay, I believe it's going to be a long hard road ahead of him, and I don't want him to ever feel sad about who is...and if anyone ever bullied him I would be down at his school pounding small children

[pellaz]

... I'm just looking for any thoughts or advice from people who have lived this or can relate

being gay has changed a lot even the last 2 years. Generally accepted except from a few fringe demographics. The average joe on the street dosnt care so long as he is happy. He can have that career, a husband child and a house hold. If your son is gay read on:

... So I asked him what's up and he denied it for a day, I told him i love him no matter what, (although the caveman inside of me wanted to scream why are you looking up this homo shit) sorry if I offend, I don't mean to it's just who I am...but i wouldn't just drop it, so he admitted to me he was looking at the gay porn and he didn't know why, and he couldn't help it...he said he was not gay.....Which I assume he would say based on my meathead mentality, of always calling things I don't like "gay" or referring to people as "homos" when none of which is even relevant to the situation of homosexuality ... I feel like I don't even know my own son ... I could be labeled homophobic ...

this is all your negative junk.

Please read a previous post here by a straight parent with a possible gay sone, link below:
http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=265...lbuquerque

Gay is someone better able to maintain a relationship with the same sex. Generally being bay is not about the sex or the porn.

A "hag" girl friend is a great resource for a gay man.

sexuality is like having red hair, try as you mght cant really be changed. If your son is gay there is nothing you or your son can do about it.

Avoid stero typing because its a sexual preference and only your son can tell you how he feels so be there to listen. trying to put a label on it will always lead to fail, everyone is different and gay, bi or straight are labels.

... He's just like me as a kid for the most part, quiet, indoor kid, not into sports, good in school ... as far as me and him, we are as close as a parent and a kid could be...we do everything together...other than his life on xbox live ...

being gay dosnt have to limit his life. Gay men work on cars, enjoy sports, become the engineers, doctors, authors, politicians...

best wishes with your son. you are doing the right thing by posting. A possible second step is taking you and your son to a local glbt center. In Colorado (i think you live in Lakewood Colorado) is The Center. If not Colorado likely there is a GLBT center locally.
http://www.glbtcolorado.org/
Denver
1301 E Colfax
Denver, CO 80218
303-733-7743

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Innocent children... I could go on for years on that subject. Kids are not that innocent, and if it wasn't for strong parents and a society to teach ethics and morals it would be all lord of the flies with kids.

12 year olds are entering into puberty - puberty is when sex lodges in the male's brain and gets stuck there for life.

As long as you don't drag him out of his closet he will develop perfectly well.

Oops - you tried dragging him out of his closet. Ok now you have to be tolerant and accepting and not dare question the whys and wherefores.

Most kids are allowed to come out on their own, there is a whole process to coming out which builds strength of character and gets a person to a place where they can find acceptance of themselves first, before seeking the acceptance of parents, siblings, friends, society. That self acceptance makes the difference between the kids finding a monogamous, long term relationship or going all crazy and being a promiscuous individual, or worse develop self destructive habits such as drinking to excess, or drug use amongst the more traditional starvation, cutting, suicide attempts.

Most people have no idea what their sexuality is until they start sexually maturing, and that happens around puberty. Most likely if he is getting into and off on nude men he is gay.

Can't change that, no matter how much you beat him, plead with him, threaten him - many have tried. The best you can do is be there to comfort him when he gets bullied and/or gay-bashed and hope that by the time he is an adult society will be far more accepting and tolerant so he doesn't have to go through the hell that those gays before him went through.

As for you two being as close as parent/offspring can get - well he is just entering the teen years. Call back in 5 years and tell us how close this relationship is then.... Don't worry, all parents have the eventual teen break-up and it surprises the parents.

He's just like me as a kid for the most part, quiet, indoor kid, not into sports, good in school, kids like him, no bullying

And this means what? you are gay?

Forget the stereotypes of homosexuality that still are thrown around as truths.

I played and like sports, I hunted, gutted, cleaned and chopped up freshly killed game, I can find my way around the engine compartment of a car, I fish, I love camping. Conversely I have no sense of color, no fashion sense and I can only cut hair if there is a bowl handy for a guide.

But I am gay - very gay - So gay that I have never been with a woman and at this late stage in the game never will be.

I suggest you become a member of Pflag: http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2

In fact since you have no clue about homosexuality, I strongly suggest you stop talking to your son about the subject until you talk to people at a forum or something along the lines of Pflag if not actually find a meeting place in your local area and get some hard won experience from people who were like you - and have been down this road.

I think meeting other parents like yourself, parents of LGBT may be the better thing - far more personal and you can ask questions and get immediate answers.

There are probably a whole world of resources for both you and the kid in your area. I wouldn't know because I don't live in your area and frankly I don't have kids, never will have kids and never bothered to learn what resources are out there for kids...

Good luck - your going to need it - oh and not because he may be gay, but because he is becoming a teenager - hellions those critters are. Again, good luck.

[BillMichaels]

I'm going to try like hell to change because I can see what is on the horizon, I don't want him to ever feel sad around me.

I live in Lakewood, Ohio which has a fairly good sized gay population maybe they have a glbt here.

I ain't gonna lie this is hard on me, I'm sure it pales in comparison to what he's going through...

so what's my next move? Do I talk to him about sexuality? Do I just let things go and let nature happen? Do I go to the glbt first before I do anything? He is only 12, maybe just let it be for awhile?

thanks again for all the responses

[TKC]

Hey Bill,

Again, it's AWESOME that you're stepping up to the plate. Just AWESOME.

That said, "let it be for awhile" is definitely not the best idea. He's going through these things now and they're only going to get more and more confusing for him. I think reaching out to your local PFLAG, GLBT Youth Group, or something else in that vein is your best bet. Sooner rather than later. If your son is gay, he'll need to know that you're on his side...and while you've set that precedent in other ways, you haven't yet in this one. Kids are resilient, and they quickly see and appreciate change, so as long as you take after this you should have no problem making up for any lost yards.

Just definitely don't wait, it's already clear that he's trying to put context around his sexuality - gay, straight, bi, etc..., so whether he's just 12 or 200...there's part of him that's ready to at least learn about that side of him. No two kids are the same, so it's better to have a sense of urgency about this. Talk to PFLAG ASAP, let them know what you let us know, and I'd probably wait until then to talk to your son about it again...just not too long.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm going to try like hell to change because I can see what is on the horizon, I don't want him to ever feel sad around me.

I live in Lakewood, Ohio which has a fairly good sized gay population maybe they have a glbt here.

I ain't gonna lie this is hard on me, I'm sure it pales in comparison to what he's going through...

so what's my next move? Do I talk to him about sexuality? Do I just let things go and let nature happen? Do I go to the glbt first before I do anything? He is only 12, maybe just let it be for awhile?

thanks again for all the responses

Learn about the LGBT community and people first before you go trying to talk to your son. Your own ignorance on the subject may do damage to the kid.

Join Pflag - plenty of parents just like you were 'clueless' about the LGBT thing until their kid came out one day and said 'I'm gay'.

Don't push the kid either. He may be just exploring himself and may not know fully what he is. He has entered puberty - the second most confusing time of ones life (The first is infancy).