Concerned about my son's sexuality

[BillMichaels]

I found a pflag here in cleveland, I called but they're closed now...I saved the number I'll call tomorrow

other facts about me..I am married to his mother for 13 years...I she overheard some of our conversation, but she told me she wanted nothing to do with it...she's the type of person that thinks if you don't deal with it, it will go away..my son asked to keep her out of it as well

he has an older half brother, whom I've suspected of being gay as well...he's almost 19 now...zero relationships with females
but me and him aren't close, and he's always at his buddies house...

so anyways I'm just trying to prepare

thanks as always

[BillMichaels]

I just edited a post and it disappeared? either way I called the local pflag here in cleveland, it's closed now i'll try again tomorrow..

In my edit I gave some more background about me...married to his mother for 13 years, she overheard some of the original conversation i had with my son, she said she wanted no part of it...here style of dealing with things, is ignoring them and hoping it goes away

i gotta stepson who's 19, he's never around though

so anyways I'm just trying to prepare and understand,
as always thanks for any info and advice

[Counselor]

Bill, it's obvious you want to do right by Junior, or you wouldn't be here. My advice is: Be a parent, not a warden. Krupt is not quite accurate when he says "he NEEDS his father's approval and his peers'", because the reality is he needs to gain approval of himself, then he won't need ANYONE to tell him they are "okay with him being gay".

You have a spectacular opportunity to start raising the generation that experiences more tolerance, less fear, and has no reason to hide. I suggest you take advantage of it.

[BillMichaels]

The lgbt in Cleveland said they are not accepting anyone for counseling on their website. I tried to post a link but it would not let me because of my post count. You can always google it, I chose services, then counseling, and that's what I found

[BillMichaels]

Whoops I didn't read the whole thing, I guess they can refer me to someone... I'll call them tomorrow too

[gilhooly]

I came out 57 years ago in the beginning of summer in 1956. I was deliriously happy to be in love with Jimmy Joseph, the most beautiful altar boy in Incarnation Church on 175th St in Manhattan. I had been raised by my parents to be a good pagan boy. The guy I loved, Jimmy, was raised by his father, Mr. Joseph, to be a good pagan boy. Our parents told us to have a nude sleepover and get acquainted. My parents were born in Ireland of good native Irish stock. No apostrophes were allowed in our family names. We were not diseased Celts who invaded Ireland just before the time of Jesus Christ. We hated invaders of Ireland and the Celts were the worst of the lot. They brought a sick bunch of morons from the Vatican who believed in the infallibility of an asshole who wore pants. God and Jesus never claimed infallibility. Jesus sweat blood in the Garden of Gethsemane. He didn't run around bragging trying to start fights with the Romans. He loved us and allowed Himself to be crucified for us. Like Jesus I hung out with a lot of boys in the 5th grade. My grammar school was separated. Boys were taught by Christian Brothers and girls were taught by sadistic nuns who loved to beat small boys. I brought a revolver to school and dared the goddamn nuns to touch me. They did not. I was the best shot in the 3rd grade with a loaded revolver. I was a trained expert in fighting with a switchblade.

I lucked out. My Uncle John was leader of the Irish Republican Army in NYC. My grandparents had founded the IRA in Ireland. I was the best trained terrorist at the age of 8. My Uncle John said I was a better fighter at 8 than he was at 12 in Ireland. I also had an IQ that could knock your socks off. My mom and pop were afraid at how violent I was becoming. Mr. Joseph was afraid his son Jimmy was becoming indifferent to the killing of animals. Mr. Joseph was the grandson of Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce Indian tribe of Idaho. Chief Joseph [see internet] was famous for his commitment to peace. He was the last native American chief to lay down his rifles to the cavalry.. He said "I will fight you no more forever!"
My entire family was disgusted with the IRA. It was filled with Irish assholes who hated the English and wanted a Republic. We led the IRA and we wanted Ireland to be a dominion like Canada, Australia or NZ. We loved the queen and thought the English were fun to do business with. As a matter of fact, the Irish controlled the government, police, transit workers, sanitation and just about everything in NYC. I was a nice kid. I took cash to precinct houses to reward deserving cops. I would smile and ask the police to line up alphabetically to see whose names were on the winning envelopes of cash I carried around. I really liked my good friend Bob [Mayor Wagner to you] my Uncle Mike [Mike Quill the transit boss] Paul, my mom's first boyfriend in NYC [Manhattan Boro President] even Jimmy was fun to hang around with [Jimmy Hoffa of the Teamsters].

I was a very popular humorous Irish boy who knew how to make my elders laugh. When they realized I was more interested in being romantic with a boy, there was a big sigh of relief. My Uncle John knew how much money the IRA was spending on ammunition most of it being used by me. Anyway, my first sleepover in the nude went well. We both lost our virginity and became calm reasonable kids, I stopped carrying revolvers to school and Jimmy was nicer to animals. His father was pleased with Jimmy's attitude and declared him a decent native American boy. I was a decent native Irish boy. We both stayed like that.

I have been happily gay for my entire life and it never occurred to feel guilty. I am what God designed me to be, a boy who loved other boys and a man who loved other men. I was an outstanding marine and no one ever doubted I could kick ass when necessary. There were times when people insulted me for being gay. I guess I hurt them a bit. One guy in the 6th grade said I was a faggot who loved a stupid Indian. Poor Jackie, I broke every one of his ribs. Wow. Quite a few times I met up with homophobes. Jeepers, I really hurt those poor bastards. Strange why bullies always gave me a wide berth. Both the boys and girls I grew up with were sexually attracted to me. I was fearless and loved to fight.

Since I was 10, I had the reputation of being a guy with a good looking guy on my arm. The last guy I loved died a few years back and I miss him constantly. I enjoyed being what I was and never regretted being gay. Most people describe me as cheerul and good humored. My fighting days are long behind me. I have such great memories of loving and being loved by guys. I also liked my female friends, particularly Jackie Kennedy and some other Irish women who were relatives.

I felt accepted at every turn in my life and thank God for that. Most people find it surprising how religious I am. I have no doubt that God made me what I am and I accepted it without resentment or reservation.

Would I recommend a boy to become gay, probably not. I would tell him to wait until he was about 22-25 before he announces assuming he wants to come out. I am out if you ask me. People always assume I am straight because I never take shit from anyone. I find people to be arrogant when they decide who is or is not gay.

This is funny. Many of my friends have described me as a caveman and a meathead, I enjoy beeing thought of as that. Sounds better than liberal doesn't it. Do what you are doing. tell your son you will love him no matter what he decides. He is still too young to be officially gay, so tell him to avoid the politically correct and trust his own feelings. Both my parents treated me like an adult and both were proud of the guys I liked. The last guy I loved was so close to my father I let him write my dad's eulogy. My father died with a big grin on his face and he loved my guy, Tom, as much as I did.

I really loved my parents who were happily straight when they didn't ask me to be straight. I look forward to joining my parents and the guys I loved in heaven.

Take a long look and don't hurry your son into deciding things. I remember guys who thought they were "homos" who ended up happily married. At my age, I might agree to marry a woman who was a good cook. Things can always happen. Close no doors and be of good cheer. Happy parents like mine produce happy children, gay or straight.

Never assume your son is gay because of you. I loved my father until he died but I just wasn't like him. Don't blame him, you or your wife. It's the luck of the draw. Live with it and cope. Love each other until it hurts. Go for it. You must be a good dad or you wouldn't be posting here.

[trialbyerror]

No, you have already approached him and forced him to admit that he is curious, which is a harsh thing to make any person of any age do.

There is no option, you HAVE to create the environment around your son that is accepting, welcoming, honest, approachable and WAIT for him to come to you...DO NOT FORCE THE CONVERSATION WITH YOUR ALREADY HURTING AND CONFUSED SON.

Force the change on to yourself...the old saying 'Build it and they will come' applies to this situation.

Prove to your son that you love him by NOT changing they way you behave around him, love him exactly the same as you loved him 2 weeks ago, 2 months ago...2 years ago because it is not your son that has changed, it is 100% your perception of your son that has changed.

Give your boy the room to grow and find himself, do not force the conversation, do not encourage him to talk about his sexuality, just make the environment a happy and warm one so that when he is ready he can come to you and then you can have that conversation.

Remember this...you are not a bad father, you are trying and you care, and that makes you a good father. Yes it is going to be fucking difficult for both of you, but YOU are the only one that can make it easier for both of you

Try looking for you local PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbian And Gays) chapter and they will be able to put you in contact with people just like you

I absolutely endorse everything this man has said in this post kudus to you Krupt!

Only to add If you build the trust he will come to you. You are his anchor and moral compass.

The morality issues may also be stormy waters for you to navigate... Be prepared

Regards
Trial by error

[LONDONER]

I think that some are coming down on you a bit hard Michael. You are obviously concerned and trying to help and your own non-knowledge of the subject doesn't help. You were lucky to have found GS because here we all try to be as helpful as we are able. Some have given you good advice and if you are able to get in touch with an LGBT or PFLAG organisation I think that will help you and your son tremendously. Like others have said, don't force the subject on your son, only talk to him if he wants to talk. 12 is a confusing age and he may well be being totally truthful in saying that he isn't gay. Does anyone at that age truly know what being gay is? I looked at "straight" porn when I was a kid but that didn't make me straight.

Please keep us informed on how things go.

[VNight2014]

My advice for you as a parent:
Love him. Show him you love him.

My mother abandoned me emotionally when I came out. She gave up on me. She's the reason I'm so messed up in every part of my life. She only loves the parts of me she can accept, even if those parts of me are dead.

You must prove to your son, by not just saying it, that you love him.

[BillMichaels]

Ya I feel I'm getting it a little harder than I like, its not like there's a handbook on how to raise a child let alone a potentially gay one. I did force the issue because one thing we have between each other is honesty. We are both very truthful people. I hate when people lie to me especially the one I love the most.

After he admitted he looked at the stuff, he asked me if I was still mad at him. I said I wasn't mad at what you looked at, I was upset you didn't tell me the truth. I then told him I love him no matter what and I dropped it.

So today I called both Pflag and lgbt of Cleveland, no answer so I left a message that I needed help and advice.

And they way I am you may not like, I'm sorry its who I've been for 38 years. The idea that my wonderful little boy is gay is crushing to me..if I could change it I would...but I can't...

So understand this, I'll never turn my back on him and in 12 years I've NEVER let him down...and it certainly won't start now...no matter how much this pains me to dive into a world that makes uncomfortable.....regardless of what path he goes down I will ALWAYS be there for him until my last breath