in too deep in a relationship??

[worldexpat75]

hi folks. i am an american guy living in Seoul, Korea. my problem deals with a serious relationship that i am involved in.

you see, i met this brazilian guy in rio de janeiro in january 2007. i am 32 years old. he is 24.

well, in Rio, he was broke, and i ran out of money out there too supporting the both of us. he went back to his home town in the Amazon, and i returned to the states in march 2007.

we talked nearly everyday on the telephone from march 07 until i went to his hometown in the end of may 07. the phone bills were expensive (and guess who paid them?? ME). when i arrived, we lived with his family.

unfortunately, things didn't go so smoothly over there between us, and i wanted to get the hell out of there. so i left in august 07.

i went to china to teach English. i started missing this guy and quit my job in china to go to korea where i would be able to earn more money.

got over here, arranged a job, apartment, etc. and 2 months later, he arrived. (again, guess who paid the airfare?? ME).

so, he's been here for 4 months now, and has got himself a job (thank goodness). we are both working and living comfortably.

this is where the problem comes in. he has no education, so he works a rather low-paying job. he has promised his mother that he will use the money he earns for the next 6-8 months to build her a house (he comes from a very poor family, financially speaking).

so he's just started sending home the money he earns (i am supporting the both of us, which really isn't too bad considering my job covers the rent).

His mom just knocked down their wooden home, and she and his brother are living with family until their new home is built.

now, he's asked me to help him with the cost of building his mother's house, so that it would be done faster (he asked me to help out with US$1000 a month). i am feeling a little uneasy about this because, i am starting to have my doubts about this relationship.

u see, our plans are (or should i say were??) to save money here for the next couple of years, and return to brazil. there, he would like to open a bar that we would both run. i'm ok with the idea in itself.

now the problem is that i am getting this itch to continue teaching overseas, but in other countries outside of Asia. also, i have a bit of a problem with our age difference. we have an 8 and a half year age difference. again, i am 32 and he just turned 24 this month.

now, if i were to break up with him, he would not be able to send much of any money home, as he would have to support himself here in Korea. also, his mom and brother would be out of a home.

i feel stuck like i can't break up with this guy. his own family didn't like the idea of him coming over here, because they don't have the money to send him if he needed a plane ticket to return. they just don't believe much in him, which makes me feel kinda sorry for him.

he really wants to build this house for his mom not only b/c of the kindness of his heart, but i also think that he wants to prove to his family that he is capable of doing something with his life.

i really like him as a person, but like i mentioned above, i have this urge to continue teaching abroad in other countries and playing with beautiful men.

i still have that urge to be single again, and feel that i rushed things in this relationship because i so didn't want to see myself an old 40-something man still hitting the gay bar.

HELP!! What should i do??????!!

[marshlander]

Thanks for this message. You've just reaffirmed something for me. I am also in a long-term/long distance relationship and I have financial stuff going on with which I do not want to burden my man. That is one of the reasons I spend as much time in England as I do. Here I can take the kind of work I enjoy and at which I'm fairly good and, when I have work, it pays reasonably well. I am gradually chipping away at debts accumulated in a past life. If I thought I could earn as well, still doing the kind of work I enjoy, I'd be on the 7.30 plane to Geneva tomorrow morning.

When we are with someone we're in it for both good and bad ... up to a point. My partner and I have often discussed our different financial situations and we have agreed how both to accommodate them and to keep talking about it. Were I to turn up on the doorstep and expect him to bail me out if things got tough I would lose some self-respect which would not be healthy for the relationship in the longer term. It sounds to me as though you are beginning to reach that point ... but the other way round?

While your partner may not intentionally be a user, you are feeling the pressure of being used ... as an anchor or rock if not necessarily purely financially. You love, or at least have loved, him and were I in your shoes I would be bound to feel some measure of responsibility for dragging this man halfway round the world.

I guess what it comes down to is what do you want most? You can't live your man's life for him and I don't see that you'll be happy if you tie yourself down when you're not really ready. You sound like an honourable person, so I don't suppose you'll up sticks and abandon him or throw him out when he can't support himself. He sounds as though he is out of his depth, though, and you can only do the lifesaving thing for so long before you start to splutter too.

Whatever happens isn't going to be easy for either of you, but if you feel like this now, what's it going to be like in five years' time? You entered a relationship with the man, not his whole family. If you could easily afford this proposition I don't suppose you would even be asking the question ...?

[fjp999]

Of course Marshlander put it perfectly

here are my two cents...

would seem to me that you both had some fantasies about how life would progress but didnt put enough reality into the mix.

I can relate. I too am in a long distance relationship with my Japanese bf of nearly 20 years. Though we are very close to real age he is/was much younger in maturity. I couldnt help with his biz in Japan. He is a fashion designer. I wanted to move us to USA so I could help him with his biz but knew that he was not ready for it. After 10 years together we did move to beautiful San Francisco. He did ok but was still not ready.

It takes a lot of hard work to make a relationship work but to add more to it with financial/family/whatever to it all can be a tough burden. Yoji and I had pretty good communication and we talked a lot about all our issues. It is the best advice I can give you. You must be perfectly honest with your young man.

Maybe the best way to spend that $1,000 is for a return plane ticket as it seems to me he is making unreasonable requests on you.

I wont get into the need to sow your seeds with other men as that is your business but if the desire for your young man is not there anymore then that is that.

[worldexpat75]

thanks guys for the replies.

right now, i'm just taking things day by day. sometimes, i'm really happy, other times not.

for example, tonight he wants to go out to the gay bars with one of his friends (a girl from his country), and he wants me to go as well.

i am really not interested in going, and in the past, i've found myself finding a table to sit and drink. i don't really like to dance, and have no real interest in drinking just to drink.

he, on the hand, loves to dance.

please feel free to share your thoughts. i really enjoy others people's perspectives on the matter.

hugs

[lynx]

...and a little bit from myself.
the story is really dramatic but my humble opinion is that he's using you. I am not saying that he is making so accoording to some special plan or having in mind something very insidious, no... But he really can use your relationships unconsciously taking more and more from you. I really do not know - it is very difficult to make some Decision in a second basing on a long and complicate 2-years story. But, for my opinion, your guy is taking more than he gives and it is not right. Such thing anyway will destroy ANY relationships - you will be always tired trying to help him in everything and he will be feeling something like mix of habit, gratitude and dependence.. And you both will not understand - Where is the LOVE?
So, my opinion is that it'd be really better to leave him in Brazil - he's a big boy and should be able to decide his money-problems by himselves.
I am not a dried-up man giving advices from left to right and back - when I have started meeting my BF - three with a half years ago - he was a student, he was absolutely out of money and I was a beginner technical projects manager earning about 600$ monthly (in Russia it was enough just for dayly food and transport). So, then I started to make my own career just to have money for our BOTH as I understood that somebody from us has to do it... And you know - this guy started to work as well, he didn't like his job and it was really hard for him - but he did it! He has earned so little money as I even didn't know how much exactly - but it didn't matter - I have realized that he have came to realize that if we're the Couple - we should make everything as a Couple - earn, spend, plan and build - Together.
Please, do not take my short story as a humdrum and cainglory - it isn't - I am just trying to show you what do I mean exactly saying "he uses you".