Need your advice - why doesn't my ex-boyfriend leave me alone?

[Anonymous]

I'll try to be short. I'm a gay man and I had a boyfriend. We were together for 5 years. I really loved him, but in the last year our relationships somehow became very tense, we were arguing often. Because of that and some other reasons I broke up with him. I think it was better for both of us.

But the thing is that my ex doesn't leave me alone. We have many mutual friends so unfortunately we happen to meet each other quite often. I would like to start relationships with some other guy, but I just can't do it, because my ex is interfering all the time. As he notices I'm starting to get on well with some guy, he starts to tell this guy all the bad things about me. Some of them are true, some are not. He says that he’s my ex, that I’m a horrible person and stuff like that. He just scares away all my potential boyfriends. They believe him more because they know he knows me better than they do. Once he told that I have HIV, which is not true. Of course, the guy ran away from me. I’ve even stopped to attend parties that our friends are making, because I can’t enjoy them at all because of him. He always flirts and makes out with guys right in front of me. Wherever I go, he’s there as well.

I've asked him why is he doing it. He was like " I just don't want other people to get involved with an idiot like you". Actually usually I don't talk with him at all, it is always him who comes up to me and starts talking with me. All the time he seems angry and frustrated by me.

Why does he have to mess with my life? I can understand that he probably hates me now, but people do break up, it’s nothing unusual. However it doesn't give him any rights to treat me like that. I wish him all the best, but why can't he just go somewhere, live his life and let me live mine? It really pisses me off.

[Tulloni]

This guy is a premier douchebag by the sounds of it. He is one of those people, and believe me I am well acquainted with this type of person, who likes to stir as much shit as they can find and stands back to enjoy the fallout. They get off making the lives of others a misery and by the sounds of it your ex may be this type of person if what you say is accurate.

I would say try and move away from the area and him but then that'll be like conceding defeat and letting him win. If he is interfering with your friendships and potential dates though then that is bang out of order and makes life difficult for you.

As far as I can see you have three options:

1. Just stand up to him a bit more. Look him straight in the eye and tell him you aren't taking any more of his nonsense.

2. Turn the tables on him. Spread gossip to his potential dates and whatever just to see how he likes it.

3. Try and find new friends elsewhere, arrange dates with completely different people with no connection whatsover to your old circles and warn them that under no circumstances are they to communicate with your ex in any way nor are they to listen to him if he tries to make contact with them. Warn them that he does make stuff up. The HIV thing in particular is disgraceful and as its malicious you may have some legal recourse available because it is libel and slander at the end of the day.

I would go with three, just try to get away from him and his influence without relocating. If he keeps finding new ways of spreading rumours then maybe threaten him with legal action. It may seem dramatic but I am sure there is a law against all this and at the end of the day this is criminal harrassment.

[Vigilias]

This is a difficult one.

You can't ignore him because he wont be ignored.

It sounds to me as though he hasn't really got over the break up with you. He's hurting and the only way he can find to express his pain is anger. That could take some time to dissipate!

Next time you find a guy you like keep him to your self for a while before you go anywhere with him that your ex will be sure to turn up. Try to meet your friends when your ex is not around or simply ask them to ask him to keep a lid on his vitriol or leave the party.

Warn the next guy you meet about your ex and what he's likelly to say and do.

Alternatively dig up some dirt on him and threaten to reveal it if he doesn't keep his trap shut!

Good luck!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Perhaps you are the horrible person he makes you out to be and is being the savior of the Gay World - saving men from you.... :tongue:

He isn't over you. He is still in a relationship with you.

No the opposite of love is not hate, indifference is the opposite of both love and hate.

He is still emotionally invested to/with you and continues to lash out because he cares - yes cares in a negative way.

You need to either hire a goon to break his kneecaps, or move to a new region or just wait it out. eventually he will 'get over' you and start feeling the true opposite of love (indifference) and let you go on to your life.

You broke his heart and he ain't happy about it, thus he feels it is his right to mess with your happiness and make you feel as miserable as you made him feel. It takes time for hearts to get unbroken - basically unbroken (they never really mend completely).

Granted this is sort of stalker behavior... But it falls within nominal parameters of how people handle a break-up.

I strongly suggest you find places to go he doesn't go to. The less he sees of you, the more apt he is to get over you.

[Geminize]

You are in a tough spot with this guy. Hopefully he will get into another relationship, get over you, and lose interest in his childish vendetta. He should not have the power to make you change where you go and who you hang out with.

All I can think of to try would be a very straight forward statement the next time you interact with him. Don't be blaming, condescending, sarcastic, or anything like that. "Things didn't work between us, and I'd like us both to let it go at that. Who I'm with now is none of your business. You're not doing yourself or anyone else any favors by talking about me behind my back." If he tries to engage with accusations about you just shake your head and walk away.

Good luck. Dealing with that kind of behavior from someone you used to care about is no fun.

[Arkansota]

He's a psycho. Duh. He has serious issues with his personality that are extreme red flags.

[Tyrion]

I would say kick his ass, but I don't really approve of violence (even though it sounds like he deserves it). I'm not sure how to fix the problem other than avoid him at all costs, and tell him to gtfo whenever he bothers you.

[BorneoJake]

That's a never ending game. Believe me I tried and it turns against me. The best you said it... Warn you next conquest about your ex trying to discredit you.

Alex said it best, just warn whoever you're going to date about him. I think you should just ask a few of your friends to hang out somewhere without him . This guy sounds very immature! Whatever you do, do not stoop to his level.