Never been with anyone, low confidence, life drama, etc.
07-31-2013, 10:28 AM
I'm going to lay out my life drama here, maybe because I truly want answers or maybe just for mere sake of catharsis, but perhaps also in hopes that someone has some outside input.
To give the rundown, I'm 23 and have never been with anyone. I'm as virginal as Mother Theresa, basically. I'm out to my friends and family and all is well in that realm, but my love life is non existent, which I know is partially my own fault, but I'm trying to weigh my circumstances right now to put all of it in perspective.
Basically, that I'm still a virgin boils down to the fact that I've never had the courage to put myself out there, and being gay makes that an almost necessary thing because it's not like you're in a world of 10 billion gay guys and have unlimited potential partners to choose from. You sort of HAVE to go out on a limb to even find other guys who like guys, let alone ones who are attracted to/interested in you. I think the reason I've never put myself out there is because I've got low self-confidence. I used to be pretty shy but am not really anymore, except for the fact that I get nervous around guys I'm attracted to. I was overweight most of my childhood and struggled with that. I thinned out around 19, but in 2011 I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had to have multiple surgeries and radiation for that (I almost died after the first surgery, seriously), and when they took me off replacement hormones for radiation it floored my metabolism and I gained over fifty pounds— I weighed more than I've ever weighed in my life and was a lethargic mess. It also left me with a massive scar on my neck that I've had to treat with kenalog injections to try and flatten out, which I was at one point really self-conscious about (people still to this day will stare at me if they notice it).
Fortunately I've dropped all of that weight since because I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes six months ago and essentially had to stop eating sugar and carbohydrates— I see that as a bittersweet thing though since it basically forced me to lose all the weight, so whatever. The problem though is that I still rarely FEEL attractive even though I know I look a lot better. I don't consider myself ugly, but I also don't feel attractive at all, and part of me thinks the reason for that is because I've never been told that I am by someone who mattered, paired with the fact that I've always had body image issues. I'm still maybe ten pounds overweight, but I will say that I'm happy with how much I lost.
The other half of this is that I'm a total closet romantic— I've yearned for that sort of thing since I was like six. I had a Leonardo DiCaprio fan magazine when I was nine years old that I made my mom buy at the grocery store, and I used to sit in my room and stare at him and wish I were Rose in Titanic. I put up a fairly stoic facade sometimes, but I'm actually sappy about that sort of thing, and the prospect of romance is something I've wanted and known I've wanted for basically my entire life; it's something I've dreamed about forever. I'm savvy enough to realize that the whole storybook thing is totally unrealistic, don't worry, I'm not that outlandish, but I still really want that kind of affection and sweetness that comes along with relationships. What's awful though is that after all this time I've still yet to experience any of it, and it becomes like a dull ache after awhile, and the more I think about it, the more it aches— so I basically don't think about it unless it gets brought up somehow. All of my friends are either dating or happily paired, and I'm the black sheep because of it. My best (female) friend has been with numerous men and dated more than I can count, and when she talks to me about her sex life and relationships it makes my stomach knot because it reminds me of the fact that I've never experienced any of that; it's not out of jealousy, but for some reason that's really painful. I can't relate to it and never have any input for her because intimacy and relationships are foreign concepts to me.
I'm currently enrolled at the state university in the city which I love, but the social life there sort of sucks. I've buried myself in school ever since I got out of the hospital over my whole cancer ordeal, and am going to be a senior this fall. I've gotten straight A's and I'm considering applying to grad school also, because I really love academia and the challenge of it; it gives me something to put my whole being into I guess, and I'm passionate about what I'm studying. That's also a problem though in terms of potential relationships— I'm kind of in limbo right now with school and my current life situation and haven't settled down on my own two feet and gotten all my ducks in a row, so I subconsciously fear that, should I find someone by chance and end up seriously dating them, it would be bad timing and could spoil the whole thing.
I've had a few times where I've thought guys might have been interested in me, but they've either been dead ends or I've been wrong (they've been straight), so I almost don't pay attention anymore because each of those incidents were exhausting to me even though they were really minor and short-lived. There's one guy that I think could be interested in me (and who I'm pretty sure is gay) that I mentioned in my first post on this website, but I'm not getting my hopes up that that'll go anywhere either.
Anyway, to summarize:
1) How can I go about getting a bit more self confidence, and if I get enough of that how can I apply it to putting myself out there? I'm not into bar scenes, so that's a no-go for me.
2) Is it a bad time in my life right now to look for a relationship or even consider it? What could I do to open myself up to potential relationships, or should I even bother? Should I put it off? Part of me thinks I should put it off, but the other part of me thinks if I find a compatible person then it won't matter.
3) Am I pathetic for being in this situation and/or even putting this on the internet?
I dunno. It just kind of blows. I've wanted intimacy and closeness with a guy since I can remember, and it's been a long time coming and it still hasn't happened, and I've got such a passive personality (at least when it comes to romance) that it's hard for me to try and initiate anything— scratch that, I'm not even sure HOW I'd initiate anything or even let someone know I was interested in them (let alone ask them if they were gay). I've had a lot of bad stuff happen to me and that's kept my mind off of all of this in a sense, and being in school keeps me busy too, but I still come back to this a lot anyway— it feels like the one thing that's missing in my life, and it's something that I've valued highly and yearned for for a long, long time. Also, given the multiple near-death experiences I've had, I also fear I could end up dying without ever having any kind of intimate/romantic experience, intellectual and/or physical. That freaks me out, although I guess I wouldn't know much of a difference considering I'd be dead.
But yeah, sorry this post is enormous. I just needed to rant and get my feelings out there. This has bothered me for a long time and I have trouble explaining it to my own friends without feeling uber pathetic or like I'm wallowing in my own loneliness. I honestly try not to, but sometimes those feelings get the best of me.
To give the rundown, I'm 23 and have never been with anyone. I'm as virginal as Mother Theresa, basically. I'm out to my friends and family and all is well in that realm, but my love life is non existent, which I know is partially my own fault, but I'm trying to weigh my circumstances right now to put all of it in perspective.
Basically, that I'm still a virgin boils down to the fact that I've never had the courage to put myself out there, and being gay makes that an almost necessary thing because it's not like you're in a world of 10 billion gay guys and have unlimited potential partners to choose from. You sort of HAVE to go out on a limb to even find other guys who like guys, let alone ones who are attracted to/interested in you. I think the reason I've never put myself out there is because I've got low self-confidence. I used to be pretty shy but am not really anymore, except for the fact that I get nervous around guys I'm attracted to. I was overweight most of my childhood and struggled with that. I thinned out around 19, but in 2011 I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had to have multiple surgeries and radiation for that (I almost died after the first surgery, seriously), and when they took me off replacement hormones for radiation it floored my metabolism and I gained over fifty pounds— I weighed more than I've ever weighed in my life and was a lethargic mess. It also left me with a massive scar on my neck that I've had to treat with kenalog injections to try and flatten out, which I was at one point really self-conscious about (people still to this day will stare at me if they notice it).
Fortunately I've dropped all of that weight since because I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes six months ago and essentially had to stop eating sugar and carbohydrates— I see that as a bittersweet thing though since it basically forced me to lose all the weight, so whatever. The problem though is that I still rarely FEEL attractive even though I know I look a lot better. I don't consider myself ugly, but I also don't feel attractive at all, and part of me thinks the reason for that is because I've never been told that I am by someone who mattered, paired with the fact that I've always had body image issues. I'm still maybe ten pounds overweight, but I will say that I'm happy with how much I lost.
The other half of this is that I'm a total closet romantic— I've yearned for that sort of thing since I was like six. I had a Leonardo DiCaprio fan magazine when I was nine years old that I made my mom buy at the grocery store, and I used to sit in my room and stare at him and wish I were Rose in Titanic. I put up a fairly stoic facade sometimes, but I'm actually sappy about that sort of thing, and the prospect of romance is something I've wanted and known I've wanted for basically my entire life; it's something I've dreamed about forever. I'm savvy enough to realize that the whole storybook thing is totally unrealistic, don't worry, I'm not that outlandish, but I still really want that kind of affection and sweetness that comes along with relationships. What's awful though is that after all this time I've still yet to experience any of it, and it becomes like a dull ache after awhile, and the more I think about it, the more it aches— so I basically don't think about it unless it gets brought up somehow. All of my friends are either dating or happily paired, and I'm the black sheep because of it. My best (female) friend has been with numerous men and dated more than I can count, and when she talks to me about her sex life and relationships it makes my stomach knot because it reminds me of the fact that I've never experienced any of that; it's not out of jealousy, but for some reason that's really painful. I can't relate to it and never have any input for her because intimacy and relationships are foreign concepts to me.
I'm currently enrolled at the state university in the city which I love, but the social life there sort of sucks. I've buried myself in school ever since I got out of the hospital over my whole cancer ordeal, and am going to be a senior this fall. I've gotten straight A's and I'm considering applying to grad school also, because I really love academia and the challenge of it; it gives me something to put my whole being into I guess, and I'm passionate about what I'm studying. That's also a problem though in terms of potential relationships— I'm kind of in limbo right now with school and my current life situation and haven't settled down on my own two feet and gotten all my ducks in a row, so I subconsciously fear that, should I find someone by chance and end up seriously dating them, it would be bad timing and could spoil the whole thing.
I've had a few times where I've thought guys might have been interested in me, but they've either been dead ends or I've been wrong (they've been straight), so I almost don't pay attention anymore because each of those incidents were exhausting to me even though they were really minor and short-lived. There's one guy that I think could be interested in me (and who I'm pretty sure is gay) that I mentioned in my first post on this website, but I'm not getting my hopes up that that'll go anywhere either.
Anyway, to summarize:
1) How can I go about getting a bit more self confidence, and if I get enough of that how can I apply it to putting myself out there? I'm not into bar scenes, so that's a no-go for me.
2) Is it a bad time in my life right now to look for a relationship or even consider it? What could I do to open myself up to potential relationships, or should I even bother? Should I put it off? Part of me thinks I should put it off, but the other part of me thinks if I find a compatible person then it won't matter.
3) Am I pathetic for being in this situation and/or even putting this on the internet?
I dunno. It just kind of blows. I've wanted intimacy and closeness with a guy since I can remember, and it's been a long time coming and it still hasn't happened, and I've got such a passive personality (at least when it comes to romance) that it's hard for me to try and initiate anything— scratch that, I'm not even sure HOW I'd initiate anything or even let someone know I was interested in them (let alone ask them if they were gay). I've had a lot of bad stuff happen to me and that's kept my mind off of all of this in a sense, and being in school keeps me busy too, but I still come back to this a lot anyway— it feels like the one thing that's missing in my life, and it's something that I've valued highly and yearned for for a long, long time. Also, given the multiple near-death experiences I've had, I also fear I could end up dying without ever having any kind of intimate/romantic experience, intellectual and/or physical. That freaks me out, although I guess I wouldn't know much of a difference considering I'd be dead.
But yeah, sorry this post is enormous. I just needed to rant and get my feelings out there. This has bothered me for a long time and I have trouble explaining it to my own friends without feeling uber pathetic or like I'm wallowing in my own loneliness. I honestly try not to, but sometimes those feelings get the best of me.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
