08-08-2013, 03:37 PM
I'm hoping to find some advice here for a situation that happened to me recently. Its a little long but I hope it helps to understand the whole story
For the past four years I've been in a relationship with David. He is eight years younger than me (I'm currently 32) but that was never a problem for us. Before I was with him, I had 3 year relationship with another guy, my first love, that ended because he left me. I was devastated and took me more that a year to settle back. I really felt lonely throughout that time and was starting to get used to it when I met David.
As far as I know, until a few months ago it was a stable monogamous relationship. When we've met he was living with his parents and had a really terrible life. His parents were constantly fighting, his mother suffocated him to a point where he had no life of his own. After being a few months with him we decided that it was best for him to move to my apartment so that he was away from that environment. Since that moment we've been living together as a couple.
At the beginning of this year we decided to start a small business together with the help of some of our friends. Things were running smoothly but sometimes we were short on money and had to cut back on expenses to keep things running. A few months ago David met a guy (an older guy, in his sixty somethings) through one of his friends who offered him some money to help our business. Since part of our business was related with charity and helping low income families, me and the rest of the people working with us, though that the guy was doing that of good will.
But then things got stranger, the guy started to ask David to go out to places with him. At first, David told me that he wanted to introduce him to people, then the excuses for being with the guy started to make no sense at all. For many times I asked David what was happening and he always told me that everything was fine and that he loved me and not to worry about it. I started to get suspicious but stopped nagging him because I didn't want things to go wrong between us because of me being too jealous.
A few days ago, out of nothing, David confessed me that he was having an affair with that guy. At the beginning I though that it was only something at the sentimental level, because he said he "felt good" with that guy. But then, after making him talk about what happened, he confessed that he had been emotionally and physically involved with the guy several times throughout the past month. He also only told the guy about our relationship when the he asked him what kind of "thing" was happening between David and me. Of course, at that time the guy was already interested in him. I still don't know how David described our relationship to the guy.
The problem is that, unlike me, David is not out to anyone, none of his friends know about me and him, even though we went out together some times and his parents never heard a confirmation from him, even though they were suspicious. Even though I respected that and never forced him to come out to anyone, I always felt that I never existed for his friends, especially the new friends he has made since we were together, some of which I have never met. This always made me feel suspicious. It was like if he wanted his friends to see him as a single guy.
Before this had happened, I found out that he was visiting gay hookup sites and confronted him. He told me that he was only trying to make gay friends. He felt that, unlike me who had friends to talk about our relationship, he had no one to talk to because he was not out to his closest friends. At that time it seemed like a reasonable excuse, but since then I started to get suspicious. I always felt like something was missing from our relationship. Even though we lived together, we rarely shared our lives or even talked about plans for the future. The only big venture we made together was starting that business.
When he told me about the affair I was shocked, even tough deep down I knew it. I didn't knew what to do, betrayal is something that I don't stand, and since that moment on I've stopped being in love with him. Usually in situations like this we would go our separate ways, especially because he told me that he still feels something about that guy. However, I've decided to give him some time and see how things go in the future, even though I don't feel anything special for him now.
I think I might be trying to save something from this relationship but I don't know if it is the right thing to do. I feel that he is sad for what he has done and is still confused of what to do. He tried to propose me a sort of downgrade of our relationship, to make it something like an open relationship where he could still be with me and also with the other guy, but I don't want that for me, especially because he took the decision to be with the other guy without saying nothing to me first.
My friends, who know everything that has happened, told me to leave him without second thoughts but even though I am hurt because of what he has done to me I also feel sorry for him. I know that it is strange and stupid because I should be mad with him for his betrayal but I also know that he has no one to talk with or to support him. I've also come to realize that the reason why I felt in love with him was mainly because of me helping him with the problems he had with his family. At that time I was also felling lonely and hurt from the previous relationship. It made me feel good with myself when I was helping him as a friend and he also felt good with me and then things evolved into a relationship.
When I realize that, I start to feel that maybe the relationship started for the wrong reasons, is was not because we felt attracted by our personalities or characteristics but because of our problems. Maybe, because of this it was deemed to end sooner or later. But... its just a guess. I really don't know what to do from now on, he is still living in my house, we talk a lot with each other, more that when we were a couple, and I enjoy his company but that's it. I no longer feel emotionally connected with him, and when I am with my friends I don't miss him anymore.
My fear is that because of his presence I start to feel something for him again and I don't want to return to a similar kind of relationship, especially because I feel he still doesn't know what he wants for his life. Is he the kind of person who wants to be in long term relationships... because I want that, and I have decided it a long time ago before I was with him. It seemed to me that he wanted the same thing but now I don't know, and the more I thing of it the less I feel that it is what he wants.
For the past four years I've been in a relationship with David. He is eight years younger than me (I'm currently 32) but that was never a problem for us. Before I was with him, I had 3 year relationship with another guy, my first love, that ended because he left me. I was devastated and took me more that a year to settle back. I really felt lonely throughout that time and was starting to get used to it when I met David.
As far as I know, until a few months ago it was a stable monogamous relationship. When we've met he was living with his parents and had a really terrible life. His parents were constantly fighting, his mother suffocated him to a point where he had no life of his own. After being a few months with him we decided that it was best for him to move to my apartment so that he was away from that environment. Since that moment we've been living together as a couple.
At the beginning of this year we decided to start a small business together with the help of some of our friends. Things were running smoothly but sometimes we were short on money and had to cut back on expenses to keep things running. A few months ago David met a guy (an older guy, in his sixty somethings) through one of his friends who offered him some money to help our business. Since part of our business was related with charity and helping low income families, me and the rest of the people working with us, though that the guy was doing that of good will.
But then things got stranger, the guy started to ask David to go out to places with him. At first, David told me that he wanted to introduce him to people, then the excuses for being with the guy started to make no sense at all. For many times I asked David what was happening and he always told me that everything was fine and that he loved me and not to worry about it. I started to get suspicious but stopped nagging him because I didn't want things to go wrong between us because of me being too jealous.
A few days ago, out of nothing, David confessed me that he was having an affair with that guy. At the beginning I though that it was only something at the sentimental level, because he said he "felt good" with that guy. But then, after making him talk about what happened, he confessed that he had been emotionally and physically involved with the guy several times throughout the past month. He also only told the guy about our relationship when the he asked him what kind of "thing" was happening between David and me. Of course, at that time the guy was already interested in him. I still don't know how David described our relationship to the guy.
The problem is that, unlike me, David is not out to anyone, none of his friends know about me and him, even though we went out together some times and his parents never heard a confirmation from him, even though they were suspicious. Even though I respected that and never forced him to come out to anyone, I always felt that I never existed for his friends, especially the new friends he has made since we were together, some of which I have never met. This always made me feel suspicious. It was like if he wanted his friends to see him as a single guy.
Before this had happened, I found out that he was visiting gay hookup sites and confronted him. He told me that he was only trying to make gay friends. He felt that, unlike me who had friends to talk about our relationship, he had no one to talk to because he was not out to his closest friends. At that time it seemed like a reasonable excuse, but since then I started to get suspicious. I always felt like something was missing from our relationship. Even though we lived together, we rarely shared our lives or even talked about plans for the future. The only big venture we made together was starting that business.
When he told me about the affair I was shocked, even tough deep down I knew it. I didn't knew what to do, betrayal is something that I don't stand, and since that moment on I've stopped being in love with him. Usually in situations like this we would go our separate ways, especially because he told me that he still feels something about that guy. However, I've decided to give him some time and see how things go in the future, even though I don't feel anything special for him now.
I think I might be trying to save something from this relationship but I don't know if it is the right thing to do. I feel that he is sad for what he has done and is still confused of what to do. He tried to propose me a sort of downgrade of our relationship, to make it something like an open relationship where he could still be with me and also with the other guy, but I don't want that for me, especially because he took the decision to be with the other guy without saying nothing to me first.
My friends, who know everything that has happened, told me to leave him without second thoughts but even though I am hurt because of what he has done to me I also feel sorry for him. I know that it is strange and stupid because I should be mad with him for his betrayal but I also know that he has no one to talk with or to support him. I've also come to realize that the reason why I felt in love with him was mainly because of me helping him with the problems he had with his family. At that time I was also felling lonely and hurt from the previous relationship. It made me feel good with myself when I was helping him as a friend and he also felt good with me and then things evolved into a relationship.
When I realize that, I start to feel that maybe the relationship started for the wrong reasons, is was not because we felt attracted by our personalities or characteristics but because of our problems. Maybe, because of this it was deemed to end sooner or later. But... its just a guess. I really don't know what to do from now on, he is still living in my house, we talk a lot with each other, more that when we were a couple, and I enjoy his company but that's it. I no longer feel emotionally connected with him, and when I am with my friends I don't miss him anymore.
My fear is that because of his presence I start to feel something for him again and I don't want to return to a similar kind of relationship, especially because I feel he still doesn't know what he wants for his life. Is he the kind of person who wants to be in long term relationships... because I want that, and I have decided it a long time ago before I was with him. It seemed to me that he wanted the same thing but now I don't know, and the more I thing of it the less I feel that it is what he wants.
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Scorpio
