I'm in my 40s and married with 2 kids. About a month ago, I "came out to myself" for the first time in my life. I looked in the mirror and told myself that I'm gay. I've never told anyone else and have never been unfaithful to my wife. In fact, I've never had any sort of gay relationship at all. I assumed I could keep this side of me bottled up forever, but now I feel that staying in the closet is sucking the life out of me. Deciding what to do next is tearing me apart.
A big part of me yearns to be the real me and put an end to the lying and hiding, but the idea of coming out to my wife is terrifying. She'd be an innocent victim and it would turn her life upside down. Our relationship is feeling the strain of my secret. With each year, we seem to grow further apart. She knows I'm often distant and depressed, but doesn’t know why (if she suspects, she's keeping it to herself). I feel like I have to choose between 2 bad options… continue living the lie or destroying my family (I have no intention of secretly fooling around). I know I put myself in this situation and if I could go back in time, I'd make different choices. I envy the younger generation who are coming of age in more tolerant times.
I'd really like to hear from guys who were married and then came out. How did things work out? Was it the right choice? I'd also like to hear from anyone who's currently in my same boat and trying to decide what to do. Anyone else is welcome to weigh in too. Thanks in advance for your help.
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i was married 15 years.
the bottom line here i want to stress is ALL relationships straight or gay are the same. That that big gay relationship will not be any better or worse. in a relationship sex plays an important part but a small part. It is better to have a solid friend, your wife and two children, who would do anything for you. There is not a dark or even grey line between gay and straight. THERE IS NO LINE. Do you understand being gay is that you can sustain a same sex relationship better than a hetro one. Your already have a family and sounds like it is working just fine.
i know you are the stronger better faster man; "I have no intention of secretly fooling around". Wait till your children are through college before making any changes. Find some aspect of good in your situation; a child's smile, the familiar softness of your wife's kiss and grow that.
People generally come out because:
-its for their own benefit.
-it gives them a measure of self confidence.
-they found a gay partner they plan to share a life with
-easier to find a date
sexuality is not a religion and it is not expected you have to confess your gay.
if your child did something illegal, something that didnt really hurt anyone but could not be un-done and he regrets it i bet you would not hall hiss ass off to jail. You are in the same boat, no one needs to hear your confession. They want your love and respect and dont care where it comes from.
40+ year old gay men grew up in a bad time. Their environment of fear and loathing never has lead to a solid reliable gay culture. Think twice about having to steer a drama queen through a monogamous gay relationship. Where this is something you could do with eyes shut, the gay man acts like an Irish Setter.
I know you feel trapped but not really. Your not and can get a divorce at any time. Piss all your wealth away into the courts or stick with it and leave when your job is done, children are all through college.
Welcome to gayspeak.
I bet this is not what you wanted to hear, just my two cents. What do you think?
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Yep to put it bluntly youre kind of fucked. I mean this with no judgement intended because I know what its like to be torn between what you feel inside of you and what you think the right thing to do is but you pretty much brought this upon yourself. Which you seem to realize this.
So with that said I think the best thing for you to do is to be honest with yourself and with your family. If you dont love your wife in the way a man should love a woman he is married to you are only holding her back from finding the real love of her life. Yes things will be hard and very difficult and things may never be the same between you and your kids but unfortunately those are the consequences you have to bear for the choices youve made in life. I wish there was an easier out for you but I cant see it if there is. I made a promise to myself very young that I would never ever marry a woman just to fit in with social norms because I realized like you said eventually they would just be an innocent victim in my whole scheme to be "normal".(again NO judgement intended here - Im just saying what I did for my life to avoid this kind of situation)
Really I think the best you can hope for is after all the smoke clears that eventually you and your ex wife will find happiness with someone else.
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Zeus, do you love your wife?
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Welcome Zeus.
I'm in my 40's, divorced with 2 kids, so I can relate. I was married 19 years when my wife decided she needed something (someone) different. I always knew I was bisexual, but never pursued anything with a guy until after the divorce. So our situations are different. I'm glad to read you don't intend to fool around behind your wife's back. That would not end well.
Either choice you make -- to stay with your wife or separate and pursue a new path as a gay man -- will have its own difficulties. The impact on your wife and children will be huge if you leave, of course. If you will only be withdrawn and depressed if you stay, that's not healthy for any of you. Just don't have any delusions that coming out and leaving your wife is going to make everything easy and perfect. As others have said, you will face the same challenges in gay relationships as in straight relationships.
My family and friends were very supportive when I came out as bi, with a boyfriend. My kids were surprised, but they took it in stride.
They say time heals. I have not experienced that yet. I miss my family being together terribly. So consider what it is that you want, what you have, and and how much of the difference is fantasy. It's your choice, and you'll have to make the best of the consequences. No one here can tell you what is the right thing to do in your situation.
I'm willing to share more if you have questions. Good luck man!
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Lots of men with families end up coming out. It can be disastrous or fine depending upon a multitude of circumstances. If you're 40, you grew up in a time where being gay was more looked down-upon than it is now, so it's understandable.
It ultimately is up to you what you should do about it. The way I see it, you're better off being true to yourself rather than living a lie and being unhappy. That kind of unhappiness stemming from your repression can be toxic to your family, and I'd say in most cases it's better in the long run to come out with the truth and be a happy father to your children rather than continuing to put up a facade.
You didn't say much concerning what you and your wife's relationship is like— are you two happy? Do you have sex often? Is she unhappy in any way that you know of? Is she very religious or homophobic? Those are all factors to consider. If you guys have a decent relationship, she could be heartbroken. If you don't have a good relationship, she could be relieved. How old are your kids? Would they be able to understand the levity of the situation?
Ultimately, I don't think it's fair for you to live the rest of your life pretending to be attracted to your wife. I couldn't do that. I would be miserable. It may cause shockwaves at first, but in general I think she and the kids would come around if there's a dramatic rift in the beginning. It doesn't mean you don't love her, but you don't love her that way. It's not real, and she probably deserves better, and so do you. When and if you feel up to telling her, do it. It's not fair to the kids or her in the end, and it's a waste of an important part of your humanity (your sexuality, that is).
You'll have to be apologetic and gentle about it with her, because the fact that you pursued the relationship and had children with her is on your hands. You'll have to own up to that, no matter what your reasons were for lying to her and consequently, yourself. You'll be a happier and healthier person though for coming out with the truth. It might be painful for her at first, but, in my opinion, it's extremely important that you do.
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It's really hard for me to imagine holding back your inner gay and sticking with a woman you'll never be truly attracted to for so long. How does sex work? Is it enjoyable or do you just pretend to enjoy it for her sake?
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pellaz Wrote:i was married 15 years.
the bottom line here i want to stress is ALL relationships straight or gay are the same. That that big gay relationship will not be any better or worse. in a relationship sex plays an important part but a small part. It is better to have a solid friend, your wife and two children, who would do anything for you. There is not a dark or even grey line between gay and straight. THERE IS NO LINE. Do you understand being gay is that you can sustain a same sex relationship better than a hetro one. Your already have a family and sounds like it is working just fine.
i know you are the stronger better faster man; "I have no intention of secretly fooling around". Wait till your children are through college before making any changes. Find some aspect of good in your situation; a child's smile, the familiar softness of your wife's kiss and grow that.
People generally come out because:
-its for their own benefit.
-it gives them a measure of self confidence.
-they found a gay partner they plan to share a life with
-easier to find a date
sexuality is not a religion and it is not expected you have to confess your gay.
if your child did something illegal, something that didnt really hurt anyone but could not be un-done and he regrets it i bet you would not hall hiss ass off to jail. You are in the same boat, no one needs to hear your confession. They want your love and respect and dont care where it comes from.
40+ year old gay men grew up in a bad time. Their environment of fear and loathing never has lead to a solid reliable gay culture. Think twice about having to steer a drama queen through a monogamous gay relationship. Where this is something you could do with eyes shut, the gay man acts like an Irish Setter.
I know you feel trapped but not really. Your not and can get a divorce at any time. Piss all your wealth away into the courts or stick with it and leave when your job is done, children are all through college.
Welcome to gayspeak.
I bet this is not what you wanted to hear, just my two cents. What do you think?
Thank you.
I'm so SICK of hearing about how things are different in so-called "gay culture".
That's just an excuse to explain away the bullshit that isn't tolerated in (so-called) "mainstream traditional" relationships.
Apologies for the short rant and hijack. Just wanted to say thanks.
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Oh, and for the record, Zeus, don't be afraid of not being able to find a relationship with a man when and if you do come out. I've heard lots of gay men say that it's "over" for them at 40 and that they won't be able to find someone or attract a guy, but I don't buy that. Men in their 40s and 50s are attractive as hell, and to some of us younger ones as well. There seems to be this preconception that men who come out in their later life are doomed to be single, but, like I said, I don't buy it. I wish you the best.
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What ever you do I think the most important part is communication.
Clearly you still care for your wife (otherwise you would have done a dump and run)
The best thing would be to discuss it with her.
Maybe she would be willing to try an open relationship or something else that would allow you to find yourself without destroying what you have.
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