Confused - Should I do something?

[confused91]

Hi,

So I am currently in a pretty bad place and am struggling to come to terms with everything. I am currently 22 and at university. Ever since I was about 18 I would say I began to see guys in a sexual way and began to watch gay porn and just seemed to get more excited by guys. However, I can still say that I have felt an attraction to girls as well. I never wanted any of these feelings and over the past 4 years have been trying to deny it to myself and convince myself that I am straight. I still feel as if I do like girls. I am still a virgin and am convinced that this has something to do with it. I know that there is a girl interested in me at the moment and am thinking that I should just do something to see. I don't want to get too many people involved though. I really hate myself for feeling like this. I do not want to be gay. There have also been some recent events which have also confused me and made me feel even worse. I recently met a bunch of new people and my living situation changed for school so I am now surrounded by many people of the same age etc. One of the guys, who I was told by others was gay, messaged me one day in the early hours of the morning asking to chat. I thought it was a bit weird because I got it the next morning. Nothing really happened and things went back to normal, however , we would often make eye contact and I feel that it was more than just normal. A couple of weeks later we were walking home from a party together and I definitely thought there was chemistry. He didn't really say anything. That night he asked to come over to chat. We just ended up laying in bed chatting and then he suddenly held my hand. We layed like that for a while and just fell a sleep. The next morning he left and I asked him to not tell anyone. It has now been awkward ever since. I have never done anything like that with a guy or felt chemistry before and we know all of the same people so it is really awkward. I don't know if I am gay, and I could never come out as I know my family would never accept it, especially my dad. I hate myself at the moment. Please help - sorry for the long post. Should I talk more with my friend?

[EvenOlderButWiser]

First off, catch your breath - no seriously, using paragraphs make it much easier on the eyes to read your post!

People generally don't choose their sexuality, its something that awakens as you mature. Some people (me included) choose to hide their sexuality because of various external factors such as family, girlfriend, wife, work etc. You get the picture.

Others choose to openly (sometimes too openly) embrace it, and are rather flamboyant with it. Each to their own I say.

The important thing to understand though, is that everyone has different reactions when they first realise that they MAY be gay. You will still wake up in the morning, classes will continue and life will go on. There is absolutely no requirement to come out to anyone, least of all your family at this stage - and you would be surprised at how many people have the same dad type reaction that you have expressed in your post.

My advice to you is this; take a deep breath, don't panic and carry on as normal. You are that same person who woke yesterday, just like the previous 22 years. Being gay doesn't have to define who you are, its just a part of you.

If its advice your looking for you've come to the right place - and we have a few Australian members as well You may want to find where your local LGBT support group are as well, as they can provide some emotional support if needed.

Its the 21st century. Being gay really isn't all that bad. to the forum

ObW
X

[Geminize]

Welcome to GS, and thanks for sharing what's going on with you.

I agree with everything OBW wrote. Please don't hate yourself for anything you're feeling. The last thing you need is to level judgement on yourself when you haven't done anything wrong. It's common to feel confused when you are discovering your own sexuality.

Sexuality is a fluid thing for many people. You might find yourself attracted to some guys and some girls. Many of us here don't fit neatly into any sexual labels, and you can learn to let go of them and just be yourself. That can be difficult since society loves things (and people) to be neat and tidy.

Your experience with your friend sounds really sweet! I hope you can accept it and not freak out. It doesn't mean you are now gay and will be for life. It would be great to talk more with him, if you can both be open and honest. Just asking him not to tell anyone will leave him wondering what's going on for you. Let him know you like him and you're feeling confused about what you want. Tell him you don't want to feel awkward around him, but that's how you feel at the moment. I think honesty makes the best friendships.

Good luck!

[Undreamt]

I was in your boat about 8 years ago.

It took me a long time to realize that the only reason I felt an attraction to girls was because I thought that I was supposed to feel an attraction to girls.

I had a girl friend for two years. She knew I was gay before I did, and she used it to take advantage of me by attacking that insecurity.
"Oh you spent x amount going out with your male friends, don't you love me as much as you like them? Do you like guys more than me? You should buy me something to show me how much I mean to you."

I also had a very religious mother. One time she walked in on me giving my friend a back massage, it was no more than that (he has scoliosis and can get very stiff) but when my friend had left I very clearly heard my mum say under her breath "Two men in bed together, its just not natural"
Took me a long time to come out after that but when I finally did she was surprisingly cool with it.
I think she might have had time to discuss the possibility of me being gay with other people and overcame her own issues.

My biggest regret in life is not realizing that I was gay sooner, If I could go back and change one thing it would be that. If I had been open to the possibility that I might have been gay, if I had talked to someone or experimented earlier then alot of things would have been very different for me.

The biggest hurdle is coming to terms with yourself, Why do you think you should be straight? What worries you about being gay?
Are your fears based in self doubt or because of how you think other people are going to react?
Have you ever caught yourself changing your behavior just out of sheer paranoia that someone might read into something that your doing and call you gay?

Your future relationships are completely yours to control and ultimately the person that suffers the most if you get it wrong is you. So don't get too caught up in what other people might think or what other people think you should do. Think about what might make you happy and go with that.

If I was in your position, I would definitely talk to your friend.
At the very least to get it out of your system.
Hell even if you fool around with a guy it doesn't make you gay, or even bi.
You are allowed to experiment to work out what you want, what you like.
Whats the worst that could happen?

[TimeSage]

Figureing things out and telling people is scary. Just trust your instincts, if they say "That man is handsome" then he's handsome. If they say that woman is pretty, then she's pretty. There is nothing that says both aren't true. Just go what feels right and makes you happy, hateing yourself is not the way to go.