Struggling about dating a guy who has HIV. What to do?

[Anonymous]

I'll post this question anonymously, don't want to possibly receive a lot of hate letters, lol.

So I'm a gay man and some time ago I met this guy. I liked him from the minute I saw him, even though he approached me first. When we got to know each other, we realized we have a lot in common. After that we met several times, had wonderful time together and I started to think I've found the love of my life. And then, before he kissed me for the first time he told me he's HIV positive. I was a bit of shocked and only let him kiss me on the cheek. He said he'll understand if I don't want to meet him anymore. After that we didn't contact for some weeks and then he called me. We met and he told me he has never met someone like me before and he misses me a lot. He wants to be together with me.

I don't know what to do about this. He doesn't want to talk about how he got it, but I believe it's his own fault. I highly doubt that some psyho just ran up to him on the street and stabbed him with a syringe of infected blood. Probably he had unsafe sex, used drugs or something. No matter how low the risk may be, I will not gamble with my health and my life. It is more important to me than any relationships. I'm afraid to even kiss him. He says that if I'm afraid we can not have sex at all.

The other thing that I'm worried about is that he probably doesn't have much to live. Years ago I lost a boyfriend by death already and I don't want to experience it again.

On the one hand, he's the most wonderful person I've ever met. On the other - I appreciate his being honest with me, but maybe forgetting him is the only way how to protect myself from HIV. I don't know, so confused.

[Matty71]

That's tough. Sorry to hear that.

Honestly, I could not be in a relationship/sex with someone with HIV.

The way you describe him, though, he sounds like a great guy. Perhaps a positive, strong friendship will come out of this at the least.

[James]

drugs that extend the life of hiv+ people have come a long way, no sure cure yet, kissing has never been found to infect anyone, pretty much sex only. Those who are cut (foreskin) have less chance of getting hiv than those who are not, but the study didn't say why. Good friends maybe, but playing russian roulette otherwise, good luck with this, I do have friends hiv+ but would never have sex with them, Jim

[MisterLove]

[...] I'm afraid to even kiss him. [...]

I don't want to seem rude but you're being foolish and prejudiced here. There is no way you can get HIV/Aids by kissing and you know it.

Moreover it was very honest and brave of him to tell you that he was HIV+, so the least you can do is acknowledge that.

You don't want to have sex? Fine, it's your right. But that's no reason to turn your back on him.

If there is a God, maybe this is some sort of test to your character. Yes, it's a difficult situation, it's only natural that you should feel a bit scared and confused but it's also a privileged opportunity to show your courage and your true self.

I once had this HIV+ friend who often stayed at my place and yes, at first I was afraid and had many doubts but I overcame all that. In fact, I used to kiss him and tease him a lot and nothing evil happened - today I am still HIV- and as healthy as a lion.

HIV/Aids is a serious condition but it's not the plague, we just have to learn to deal with it.

[Geminize]

Does it have to be all or nothing? Can you be friends with this wonderful guy without a Relationship or sex? My best friend is straight and we like to travel together. We share hotel rooms, tents, etc with no risk of sharing STD's if one of us were to have any. Close friends are important to keep.

kissing has never been found to infect anyone...

Not quite right, Jim & MrLove. The OP is right to be cautious. This from the CDC's website:

There are extremely rare cases of HIV being transmitted via deep “French” kissing but in each case, infected blood was exchanged due to bleeding gums or sores in the mouth. Because of this remote risk, it is recommended that individuals who are HIV-infected avoid deep, open-mouth “French” kissing with a non-infected partner, as there is a potential risk of transferring infected blood.

So kiss him back, just don't get too carried away with it.

[Vigilias]

Anonymous, it sounds like you could do with some definite answers in the area of HIV infection. I've therefore posted a link to the aidmap website, speifically that part which covers the basics.

http://www.aidsmap.com/hiv-basics

http://www.aidsmap.com/hiv-basics/Transm...e/1412438/

You can't become infected with HIV by kissing.

HIV infection is dependent on the infected persons CD4 cell count (Those specific receptor cells which the HIV virus targets and infects) and his Viral load.

Viral load is the amount of HIV in the blood. The more HIV you have in your blood, the faster your CD4 cell count will fall, and the greater your risk of developing symptoms of HIV infection or AIDS-defining illnesses. A viral load below 40 or 50, ( the number of copies of HIV RNA per ml of blood) is said to be ‘undetectable’. The higher the viral load the more infectious that person is.

Antiretroviral drugs can bring down a HIV+ persons viral load to undetectable levels and therefore make him or her much less likely to infect a partner.

Don't let his status get in the way of what could be a long and fantastic relationship. There are ways to protect yourself against HIV infection including condoms.

Talk to him, I'm sure he'll be willing to answer any questions you have.

Good luck!

[EvenOlderButWiser]

I think dryW has hit the nail on the head.

You need to educate yourself about HIV. Get the facts, not the rumours, scaremongering and prejudice comments picked up from uneducated people.

Your comment about him not having long to live is likely to be way off the mark, and he would be devastated if he knew thats what you thought. Anyone with HIV today, who is taking the recommended meds, can have as long and fulfilling a live as a non HIV person.

There are also plenty of couples where one is HIV positive and the other negative, and have a good life together.

Arm yourself with the facts, then make a date with him, sit down and talk about it.

Good Luck,

ObW
X

[MisterLove]

'Does it have to be all or nothing? Can you be friends with this wonderful guy without a Relationship or sex?'

Absolutely, I couldn't agree more.

This reminds me of a wonderful campaign that was shown on tv a few years ago: 'HIV is not transmitted through friendship' So true!

Missing out on a great friendship just because of HIV would be really foolish and detestable.

HIV doesn't scare me, I just take my precautions and that's it. I've had sex with hundreds - literally, hundreds - of men and I'm HIV-. Just don't forget your condom, guys!

[Vigilias]

James...

You may be interested to know that sex is not the only method by which HIV can be transmitted.

The main ways in which HIV can be transmitted are:

*Having unprotected penetrative anal or vaginal intercourse with an infected person.
*Sharing unsterilised or improperly cleaned drug injecting equipment with a HIV+ person. This should be taken to include needles, syringes, spoons, filters, water containers and wraps.
*Being born to a HIV+ Mother when the HIV virus cross the placenta or during birth when the infant comes in to contact with cervical secretions or blood from the mother.
*Breast feeding: A HIV+ mother who breast feeds her baby will infect the child.

http://www.aidsmap.com/hiv-basics/Transm...e/1412438/

[James]

Vigilias, also blood transfusions that were not properly scanned, Jim