Question about profiles on "dating" sites...

[Steve1860]

Lalo,

I forgot to mention...after thinking a bit about the picture that you painted about Mark and what you and he are and have gone through...particularly you.

What is the difference between "poor me"...that yo have accused me of and your telling what you have had to go through with Mark. You are relaying facts...as I was...you called labeled mine as "poor me"...couldn't the same be said about what you shared? I am not trying to be rude or insensitive, but for you to judge my situation as a "poor me" situation is unfair and uncaring...and inappropriate. People (including me) will not react well with accusations and demeaning remarks like that. They will shut down. Is that what you goal was? I have been around the therapy world way too long for that kind of derogatory and demeaning rhetoric to not see though it as type of reverse psychology. I can be influenced and will listen to constructive ideas and help...NOT TO HARSH WORDS AND PUT DOWNS.

As much as I would like to believe you meant well...you went in the wrong direction when it comes to me. You will not "jar" me off of where I am by those tactics. You will only cement my belief that people are self-interested, deceitful, uncaring and untrustworthy. I could go on, but you get the picture.

Do not attack me. It serves no purpose and is in no one's best interest.

[MisterTinkles]

I too, have been deemed "too honest". SO many people love to live thier lives in either a fantasy world or with thier heads up their asses...they just cant take a real person (much less any kind of reality). Someone who is NOT into all the freeking bullshit games, lies, mental torture/abuse, and headgames. Personally, I have enough in my life to deal with, without having to act in some sick assed soap opera at home. My sister constantly bitches at me because Im "too negative". I keep telling her, Im not negative, Im a realist. There is a HUGE difference. She lives with her head up her ass, so she will always refuse to even try to understand what the difference is. She lives her life in a fantasy world where reality is not welcomed at all.

Its a rough life I know. But like Lalo said, many others are worse off. I dont think he was trying to be specifically cruel to you......its just that things like this can get extremely emotional. And having someone that close to you with those sets of issues can be a bit overwhelming sometimes.

I am scared too. Im not going to give up my morals and ethics just to "settle" for someone to be here with me. Its not worth the aggrevation and constant mental anguish. I have diabetes, and knowing what I know about that makes me scared to be alone sometimes. I hit 50 in two days and the older I get, the more I think about how I will be taken care of when I cant do anything for myself anymore! Ive seen these nursing homes and they scare the crap out of me. I DONT want to end up a medicated zombie, sitting in a wheelchair, staring at a wall all day.

You've seen hundreds of Dr.s, you may need to see hundreds more before you find one who knows how to handle your specific issues.

Have you researched alternative medicines?
Hypno-therapy
Accupuncture
Herbologist
Pressure point massage
Ambient music meditation

There are tons of other ways to deal with many issues and conditions people have today.
You have to find one that works best for you, even if that takes MORE years of searching.

As for your past....that really makes my blood boil when I hear things like that!! Ive worked with too many people that have been abused, misused, abandoned, raped, and beaten. Believe me, if I had the money, I would have my own army of retalitory experts to deal with these kinds of scum who do this to people.

Yes, childhood traumas do have a lasting and lingering effect in your life. Probably where your total honesty came from. Im no "shrink" or Dr of any kind, but I am very observant, and for some reason, people around me all of my life have brought me their problems and issues for help. Dont know why, but I learned to live with it and use it to try and help others out. So the things I say come from experience from my life and others who may have had similar issues that were brought to me. And I can say, childhood trauma can effect your life greatly. Its like a splinter you cant get out....so you end up leaving it there and living with it.
But...sometimes, theres a person who comes along and notices that splinter and says "I can get that out for you".

I would research alternatives to see if there is any other resource that might help you out. You never know, one of these people might know a Dr who can really help you....somebody to get that "splinter" out.

As for your issue on cleaning supplies and clothes, you might want to look into those adult "diapers".
If you end up going through clothes on extreme days, you might consider carrying several pairs of rolled up sweat pants...you can roll them up tighter and compact that you can pants or jeans.

As for the vehicle toilets, Ive seen many different types over the years. Some were very inventive.
I believe I even saw one car seat that was customized to have a flip top seat pad, with an RV style toilet below it. I beleive it was called something like "the lazy mans toilet" or "travellers toilet" or something to that effect.

As my granny always taught me....I have to learn everything I can in life, because when it comes right down to it, Im the only one who can take care of me.

And what life has taught me..........there are ALWAYS options out there. You just have to find them....even if it takes a while.

mile:

[MisterTinkles]

Okay...a couple of different things.......

I want to say "thanks" to your other half for having the guts to go into the military.
I dont condone a lot of the stuff the military does, but I DO appreciate the fact that the soliders are there to protect us. And I applaud him for that.

As for some of his mental anguish and nightmares....has he tried a hypno-therapist?
Im just curious. I hear that a really good hypno-therapist can help diminish some of those issues.

And I applaud you for being such a good friend and hubby! So many people run off and disappear at the first sign of someone being human and having human frailties. Thats awesome that he has you supporting him.

[Steve1860]

many others are worse off.

I too am a realist and have been called negative.

I guess I must not be saying things right here regarding people and their issues and levels of (worstness). I am not trying to argue this. I am just trying to get some level of understanding about individuals and how they respond to adversity. I previously used the example of my doctor's quadriplegic patient with the "great outlook on life" (doctor's words). He might be doing great in that condition and has been able to live life very well (for him) in that condition. I don't know if he was born that way or that happened later in life. For me, again being brutally honest...I would literally be dead that be quadriplegic. If this happened later in life for this man, it is even a greater feat to overcome his new "limitations". I play the piano and organ (not very well, but it is one of my passions and because the organ especially requires both feet and both hands and all fingers, I would be devastated to loose any of those things. I know what a horrible thing depression is and I know that in an untreated or treatment resistant state it can be completely "life draining". I have seen it in others and I have suffered from it most of my life...although not diagnosed or treated until a little before I went on disability in '94.

I am just saying that you and others might be able to deal with things I could not and I might be able to deal with things that you couldn't. I honestly don't know how else to put it. I will leave it there because I don't want to beat a dead horse. Either you (anyone) understand it or you don't.

Like you, when I was younger (early teens through my 40s), I used to be the one people came to for advise and help. It still happens now, but to a much lesser degree...part of that is I just don't know very many people and have put up walls to"protect myself" as I have about all I can handle.

Whether Lalo was well meaning or not, I have heard all of the "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" stuff I will tolerate.

I think that he is quite remarkable, as you said because allot of people at the first sign of trouble will flee. I know know if it is some kind of self-preservation or just not wanting to go the long haul.

The intensity of my response to him was matched to his the intensity his response was to me. Some people DO need a good kick in the pants...others, like me, do not react well to that. I am not 16 and getting over the loss of a bf or something here. This is a life long struggle I have had that has only become worse through the years. I have heard and dealt with the "kick in the pants" stuff. That shows a complete lack of empathy and it comes from a place where they believe that their situation is "worse" than mine when the truth is they are both bad situations and we both are doing the best we can with what we have to work with. Nothing more and nothing less.

I don't envy him and I don't envy Mark. At the same time, I don't envy me. As much as I have learned through adversity, I do not envy someone going through it.

I am now 52...so theoretically a bit more than half my life has passed. Most of that time I have been dealing with these issues to one degree or another. I wonder how long Lalo and Mark have been together and how long Lalo has had to deal with his current problems. I am only pointing this out to illustrate that time by itself will wear you down when you have health issues...physiological or psychological.

My issues are deep and multifaceted. I have tried more medicine than I can remember...some worked for a while and then I we had to up the dosage...then repeat until I was at the maximum dosage and we had to change. I then had to go through going off of that med and start another...during that time, I was basically without medication as psych meds take time (often weeks) to start to work. Many times I only had the side effects and not the benefit they were supposed to have. During all of this...it was a delicate balancing act with the other meds I had to take. Again remember, this is not "poor me"...I have medical records to back up every single bit is this. It is not just my "opinion"...it is fact from a doctor's pint of view as well. A number of issues that I have are treatment resistant.

Too answer you question about alternative medicine, I have tried a number of them. I have tried hypo-therapy, energy work, different teachings of healing...all to no avail. I have not tried some of the things on your list.

My finances have down the shitter in the past 6 years and I have Medicare. Medicare doesn't as a rule pay for alternative methodology. I can't afford to pay for other methods myself. I have to worry if I can put enough gas in my truck to be able to get me to the doctor or the market each month...and I only live a maximum of 2 miles from anything here in town. I can't even afford the gas to take a little ride in the country (which is very close) to get away from the house.

Ya know...just start the violins...hell, get the entire orchestra going. I am tired of trying to explain or "justify" my feelings. If you (anyone) cannot understand that I am just trying to explain what I have gone through and live with and you want to call it self-pitty...that is fine with me...but keep it to yourself!!! I have heard it before. If you can't be at least sympathetic, then don't respond to this thread. I wish I could transfer my issues onto someone else and let them see what I go though (and go through them with MY mind...not theirs) for a few months and then we can talk. I have wished that on doctors that just can't understand. I guarantee that would change allot of things.

Yes, I am frustrated and mad and sad and feel cheated and any other emotion that you can think of that is similar. I can guarantee that Lalo would like things to be better in his and Mark's life. You cannot tell me that he doesn't of hasn't felt the same.

The bottom line here is...you cannot compare what is worse from one person to another. It doesn't work that way. It is all in how a person can deal with the issues they have. Think long and hard about that before you judge one person's maladies to another's. You can only do that on paper. It does not like that in real life. A person can be limbless and be happy and another person can be limbless and want to die. Is that so hard to understand?

If nothing else is gained from this thread..I hope that those reading this will understand that.

[Lalo]

Lalo,

I forgot to mention...after thinking a bit about the picture that you painted about Mark and what you and he are and have gone through...particularly you.

What is the difference between "poor me"...that yo have accused me of and your telling what you have had to go through with Mark. You are relaying facts...as I was...you called labeled mine as "poor me"...couldn't the same be said about what you shared? I am not trying to be rude or insensitive, but for you to judge my situation as a "poor me" situation is unfair and uncaring...and inappropriate. People (including me) will not react well with accusations and demeaning remarks like that. They will shut down. Is that what you goal was? I have been around the therapy world way too long for that kind of derogatory and demeaning rhetoric to not see though it as type of reverse psychology. I can be influenced and will listen to constructive ideas and help...NOT TO HARSH WORDS AND PUT DOWNS.

As much as I would like to believe you meant well...you went in the wrong direction when it comes to me. You will not "jar" me off of where I am by those tactics. You will only cement my belief that people are self-interested, deceitful, uncaring and untrustworthy. I could go on, but you get the picture.

Do not attack me. It serves no purpose and is in no one's best interest.

Okay...first, I did NOT attack you. If you FELT like it was an attack, then you need to question why you FELT that way. I cannot and will not be held responsible for YOUR feelings.

In regard to Mark and your attempt at equating my post and yours, I am sorry but that is grossly inaccurate. I have posted numerous times on this site and have NEVER brought up my partner's issues before. I only did so now in reference to your post. So, quite frankly, that response from you is a type of ad hominem argument and one which is used to diminish the value of the speaker and what the speaker (myself) is saying.

"...but for you to judge my situation as a "poor me" situation is unfair and uncaring...and inappropriate." I am sorry, but in my opinion it is none of the above. If I did not care, I would not have responded at all. I quite easily could have done so. It was not unfair, as far as I can tell, because I am using all of the available information to make as sound a judgment as possible. That doesn't mean that it is unfair. It may be inaccurate because I might not have all of the available information, but if that is the case then it is your responsibility to correct my assumption with supporting evidence, not to once again use another ad hominem argument by implying that I am without compassion.

You also respond that you "... have been around the therapy world way too long for that kind of derogatory and demeaning rhetoric to not see though it as type of reverse psychology." Bravo for you. And you are quite correct, that THAT is exactly what I was doing. It is a technique that works for many people, but obviously not for you. You not only recognized it, but obviously have dealt with it before, which tells me that other trained behavioralists felt the need to try to break through your resistance, without success. Fine. Then I will dump that approach and be more direct. The fact that you are obviously highly intelligent and not willing to be manipulated is a wonderful thing. However, (just something to think about) those traits may also be part of what holds you back in your recovery. My point throughout all of this is quite simply that recovery from ANY issue is 90% mental. From everything that you have posted, you are (in my opinion) excellent at being your own worst enemy. You are intelligent, capable, and headstrong and you have an answer for almost any intervention that someone suggests. Sorry, but that is my evaluation. I am entitled to my evaluation because you opened this post on a public forum. If you don't like what I have to say, that is fine. But quite frankly, I don't take any crap from anyone in my day to day life and I am not about to do so on an open forum. So the fact that you don't like what I posted earlier is fine, but don't try to deflect the argument by baiting or attacking me or my relationship with my partner. You have no right. You also have no right to judge my personal revelations when ,in fact, they were ONLY posted in response to you.

As for me, I am 50 years old. I have lived in a multitude of states and countries. I am a licensed minister, and nurse and have seen more death, disease and human suffering than most people can ever imagine. I have worked with psych patients. I have worked in addiction recovery and geriatrics, with anencephalic children and even in the prison system. I have seen abject poverty on a scale that would make most Americans vomit at their own lack of understanding and shame for all of the things that they have. And I have years of treating people who's every waking breath is accompanied by pain so intense that they are begging to be released from this life. It is from this prior history, this life education, that I develop my assessments of any given situation.

In the final analysis, you were the one who opened up this post on a public forum. You were obviously searching for something. But what? Perhaps it was my mistake that you were actually searching for some viable answers, because that IS what I was trying to supply. I was responding by trying to supply some solutions to some of your stated problems, and I did so out of compassion. However, when each response is met with a negative response in return, then I have to question whether the real motive for this post was simply to garner sympathy rather than solutions.

In either case, I once again stand by my response earlier and reiterate that I am here as a resource for you...that I feel for your situation...and that I believe that you , and only you can overcome your problems. But I also believe that recovery has to begin in your head, and until you accept that, your feelings of helplessness will continue. For that, I am truly sorry.

If you ever want to chat honestly, please feel free to drop me a line. I may not always say what you want to hear, but I do strive to be as honest as possible when discussing problems and presenting solutions. I also recognize that I am far from perfect, myself. But I will NEVER stand by when someone engages me with an ad hominem attack on myself, my character, my motives, or my partner. I will also come to the defense of anyone else who is verbally attacked in that manner.

I hope that you find some peace and I very sincerely wish you the best.

[Steve1860]

Lalo,

You have made some good and observant observations. I have been told repeatedly by a number of medical professionals that "I am too smart for my own good". You pointed out that, "You are intelligent, capable, and headstrong and you have an answer for almost any intervention that someone suggests." You are more than accurate. I have an answer because I LEARNED from all of my experiences with shrinks and therapists. I know I don'[t have to tell you that most if not all of that is a defense mechanism that originally was designed to protect myself. It is automatic now as is a reflex. Yes, it does hold me back. Yes I am stuck. Yes, the ultimate answer is within ME. But no...I cannot reach it by myself. Don't leave out the possibility of brain chemical imbalances. That is a real possibility. It is not THE answer, but it could and probably plays a significant role.

As far as attack...that is perceived as you mentioned...you felt attacked back and responded accordingly. I, like you will not take shit from anyone...I will not be toyed with and I will not be analyzed my an armchair shrink (no I am not referring to you). I did that for too many years wasting allot of time. I can see through that as easily as I can see through clear glass. I will say no more about that.

My original question was simply about "profiles on dating sites". It turned into this. Part of that has to do with questions that were presented early on in this thread. I, as you can tell am not shy when it comes to talking about "issues". My "issues" affect my ability to deal with the dating world. Therefore they came into play. I would love to be able to shut my mouth when it comes to my issues as it always drives people away...as my honesty did 30 years ago when my issues were small compared to now. Then I just had to deal with notable shyness and the lack of playing the "dating game". 'nuf said.

In your statement, "...when each response is met with a negative response in return, then I have to question whether the real motive for this post was simply to garner sympathy rather than solutions." I know you know better than that...at least in this case. I am not stupid...that has been determined. I have no one to talk to here, so I talk online. I don't need sympathy...I do however need and want answers. If my "rebuttal" of the answers given is problematic, that should tell someone...especially someone with your extensive background that I am self-protecting and have my own extensive experience. The more extensive one's experience is, the harder they are to reach. They (I) are well protected. I have spent a lifetime building walls...walls that were originally built to protect me...walls that are now impregnable from the outside AND the inside. I have effectively trapped myself.

I do appreciate you offer of help. I truly do. I cannot however be helped with a heavy hand. I will shutdown and close off. I am an expert at that. I am sure that you can also see that I have major trust issues. I will not let just anyone in...I have been burned too many times by my own stupidity.

It will take a VERY genuinely gentle approach to reach me on the level that would be necessary to be of any help...anything less will be summarily dismissed or attacked.

You said, "In the final analysis, you were the one who opened up this post on a public forum. You were obviously searching for something. But what? Perhaps it was my mistake that you were actually searching for some viable answers..." Again I refer to the title of this post...I was asking a simple question...hoping for a simple answer from someone that has more experience than I. Your continuation is again...reverse psychology...If you don't see it...read it again. I will not and cannot be tricked my those tactics.

You said, "If you ever want to chat honestly, please feel free to drop me a line. I may not always say what you want to hear, but I do strive to be as honest as possible when discussing problems and presenting solutions." I don't expect to always like what people have to say...but I will listen AND more than that think about it. I not only appreciate honesty, but I require it. As long as it is understood that it is honesty based on an opinion that is based on ones life experiences. You as the "advisor" also must understand that your opinions or observations aren't infallible. You are right in that you do not have the whole picture or all of the facts. It would be virtually impossible for that to occur. I have been in therapy for years with the same therapist and we didn't get to everything. Your understanding of the situation is just as important as my understanding of it. Again, I will say that...you offer is very kind.

At this point, as far as a public discussion, I have no desire to go any further. You can have the last word if you feel the need, but I will leave things as they are now.

Thank you for your honesty and forthcomingness. I do appreciate that. It is only your methods that I take issue with.