Pre-Relationship

[drewf91]

Hello, I'm just making this post to voice this little internal struggle I've been going through. I've constantly struggled with accepting who I am and after many first heterosexual relationships in my past I have made progress, though little it may be, and am really kind of hitting a crossroad. I've come out to people several of times but I am not out. I came out to my parents in a very vague way and even though I know my mother would accept it I just feel incredibly uncomfortable bringing it up again which does not make much sense.
But I've never had a relationship and am posting this to ask a question. When I've come to meet guys I am attracted to I am extremely anxious, uneasy, and find it hard to keep a natural conversation. I've had several friends that I've come to have really strong feelings for though they were strait and that was hard enough. My fear is that whenever I come across a possible relationship I will be to intimidated to go beyond anything substantial. I have a few insecurities about my body but that's not really why I feel so intimidated and I was just wondering what is something I could do to get past this. I feel like some part of my mind is trying to push me out of this standstill as this feeling is growing in me that I am going to be alone (in that sense) for the rest of my life. I am 20 now, and though not really old, I just feel like I'm already out of time in a weird way.

[jimcrackcorn]

In reality,,,, you are just reaching the age where a long lasting relationship is possible. A relationship where you and your partner can live together and make a life with each other, without your parents having a say in when or who you can date or live with.

Meeting new guys IS intimidating to many young gay men. It is especially intimidating when you don't know if the guy your interested in is gay. I used to even get nervous when meeting gay guys, but I just kept trying until I felt more comfortable. I generally let the other guy do most of the talking - until I got to know them better - at which time I would open up and let my thoughts come pouring out.

The more guys you meet & become friends with, the better your chances are of finding the right guy. You may have to push yourself out of your comfort zone occasionally, but it will be worth it.

[LateBloomer]

Little accepted fact of life: Your 20s are going to be tough.

Conventional wisdom says, it's the best time of your life. That's only true if you've totally screwed up your later life.



You have a LOT on your plate right now.

--Your coming out.
--You might still live at home.
--Trying to start a career.
--Financial pressures.
--And the huge puzzle of meeting someone important enough to help you negotiate all of the above!

It's enough to make you wanna stay in bed all day, right?



Realize all of this is NORMAL. It's called growing up. It's not a gay or straight "thing". Yes, gays have some particular challenges that straights don't (e.g. holding hands in public may or may not be an option where you live).

But when it's all said and done, you will have several "false starts", "rejections", "failures", "missed opportunities" before you finally settle down into what we might consider a "Relationship"--with a capital R.

Consider this: Every single person is walking a path. Some of our paths will never cross. Some will intersect very briefly. And some will parallel or walk the same path with us for a very long time--maybe even our whole life.

The key to finding someone to walk with you is to find someone going in the same direction with the same destination.

Keep walking. You'll meet a lot of people on the way. Eventually you'll find the companion you seek.

[Double007]

Thanks for posting this. I too get really nervous and don't want to approach guys for fear of rejection. I worry about this for me as I am 35, except I have been hit on by younger guys who think I am 23 or 24, so I don't worry too much. I've had what I thought were perfect moments to meet a guy but I chickened out. With this in mind I have recently been a lot more bolder. I've introduced myself to a few guys recently to get over my timidness. Honestly, most held conversations and one of two things happened: I lost interest after talking to them or they weren't interested. I've met some flaky guys this summer but I'm glad I found out before making any connections. Late bloomer is right, there are some false starts and rejections but you have to hold your head up. I have found that when I go to gay events with others, my confidence level goes up and I tend to be a little more comfortable talking to people. So at 20 years old, yes, you should be establishing a career and getting your life in order but you should also be getting out there and making friends. I assure you, you are not out of time.

[72jay]

It really wasn't until a few years ago that I truly accepted myself. (so yeah i've accepted myself *to me* but i'm not out because I don't wish to be, and its not safe where i'm at)

I'd be far too uncomfortable (and shy) to ever approach a guy (i'd have no idea how anyway)
plus i can't risk letting anyone know i'm bi/gay
as far as relationships go, as others have also said I fear rejection/breakups/heartbreak/and all that stuff.

pretty much he'd have to make the first move, but he couldn't just try lightly flirting or anything like that as I probably wouldn't even notice (LOL I'm pretty clueless when it comes to that stuff). but any big move, like say if someone just tried to kiss me (or otherwize really show they were interested..i'd probably end up scared to death and clawed to the ceiling )

I simply don't know..i've never been any sorta relationship, or even on a date...

I also fear things going too far, too fast. Really in the ideal situation all I'd want is to is be 'just friends' at first, and then if that worked/we seemed compatible slowly go towards love/boyfriends, and only after 'love' would i consider sex (i'm probably the odd one out with those feelings)

hopefully that made some sense LOL its getting late tonight/now

[drewf91]

I really appreciate everyone's response! I appreciate that advice. A couple of points.

Your totally welcome for me matching up with your feelings! Haha I can imagine as I feel this way how many other guys feel exactly the same way, and sometimes it feels like some cruel twist of fate that there is probably a great guy for me somewhere feeling exactly the same as me who feels the same way... just... being such a small % we may be 3500 miles apart.

I really am comfortable with my self. I accept with 100% of my conscious thought I am a gay, homosexual etc what ever you wanna call it guy. I have no doubt in my mind and I think my fear in completely openly just declaring my self gay to the world resides in who my friends have been since I was young. Only recently I've begun to break away and seclude from people I just didn't feel comfortable outing to. The uncomfortability comes from that permenant aspect of saying simply "I'm gay and I mean it". I guess I just have recently isolated so much that the risk of loosing someone for simply the most challenging part of my life at the moment would just... well... SUCK.

One major fear involved in my dating fears comes from this...
I really don't find my self attracted to fem guys. I am not that uncomfortable around a guy who talks with that typical cliché "gay accent?". I seem to find my self attracted to your average guy my age. Just... a certain undefinable type I guess. I suffered for 4 years what I can only call (being in love) with a best friend who I played around with "maybe he's gay too! He must be! This isn't just best friends this is dating!" thoughts in my head and finally came out to him after letting my subconscious believe I was in a relationship almost. He told me he was cool with it. Essentially admitting he's not gay and doesn't want to ride off into the sunset with me and bring to life all my fantasies. Out of all the crushes and attractions this situation was the biggest one to make me feel hopeless because I almost would of rather stuck to resisting that urge to kiss and spill my heart than realizing... most the guys I wind up liking won't be gay...
For most of my recent life, I've become strung around the concept of a real relationship with a guy. And Stupidly I guess I'm almost picky? (I seem attracted to guys around my age 18-24 not to hairy not to big but this certain pattern I can't describe) so... at times I'm overwhelmed by this desire to just go find sex because I wont ever get it with my dream guy.

I have never once had sex with someone I found attracted. I've forced my self into woman, failed to, and made excuses about why I couldn't... even got with one guy who would only let me bottom... (found out was 17 and wasn't that attracted to). So I get this desire to just go find ANYONE who'll have me because I just want to experience what I've never gotten to get. Which I suppose destroys my personal self image...

Sorry for rambling... I know this isn't therapy.com but ah I needed to say this

[LateBloomer]

You're free to ramble here.



Listen, there are a lot of different "types" out there. But the game here is a waiting game. If you're very particular on your "type" then you'll have to wait longer to find "him".

If you're more flexible, you might find a partner sooner.

Just take the pressure off yourself and live YOUR life. Go do things YOU are interested in, and then you'll meet people with similar interests. Eventually, you'll meet someone you like and find attractive.

Just stay positive and be the type of person you'd like to date.

Good luck.