Ridiculously long plea for advice
09-25-2013, 11:01 PM
I don’t really know if anyone can help me or give advice with this, I like to think I have tried myself to find a decent solution for a long time, but have found none that I am happy with. I want to apologise for the length of this post, but it is difficult to know what to omit.
I am a 20 year old bi guy (pretty sure but not 100%) and have been in a relationship with a guy for two and a half years. It has been very complicated from the start, partly because I have secretly been a little uncertain as to my own sexuality, but largely I feel due to my boyfriend being extremely unhappy with his.
The first part of our relationship began with him telling me repeatedly that he was straight and that it was only me, which fairly quickly turned into him being bi. Nobody else was to know this however, and to the outside world he was straight. At first it was fun, something we had that nobody else knew about but I did start to find it increasingly difficult. His friends would often tell me about girls he liked, and whether it was to hide his sexuality or not he made a point to comment on girls around all of his friends a lot, and to flirt outrageously with girls regardless of whether I was around. In addition to this he began to tell me some quite cutting remarks that his parents had made about me, and my sexuality, which as I am at the age where people’s comments can hurt left quite an impact, particularly as they were his parents and their opinions were important to me. It might be worth saying also that this is my first and only serious relationship to date.
Things continued in this way until we eventually had to leave for university. We were very close and I believe that he loved me very much, but he said he did not want to be in a relationship at university, he left before me and stopped contact. I found this difficult, as he still text me as if we were together once I had got to university myself, and upon one visit during the first term we briefly rekindled our romance, only for him to tell me after we had slept together that he didn’t feel the same as he used to and so there was not much point. I believe that this was because he suddenly realised the gravity of the situation, as I know he has never been interested in anyone else since we have met. Over the Christmas holiday we started seeing each other again, and he told his friends that I was his boyfriend and that he was bi, a big step for him and something that I appreciated a lot, not having to sneak around anymore. It showed me that he was committed to making it work. I visited him at university to find posters of naked women everywhere, and the amount of times he commented on and flirted with girls had increased heavily (pinching girls bums in front of me, undoing their bras etc). All of this took me by surprise as it is not the person I knew/know. It is my opinion that he got to university and put on a front, as he was unhappy with himself at the time.
I felt as if I had gone from being unknown and people seeing him as straight, to being known, but not very acknowledged, as it all seemed (at least to me) quite undermining to a relationship, particularly as by now we had been together for almost a year. When sat all together there were often times that he would tell me things that his friends had said about him being ‘a lot more manly than me’. I found this extremely uncomfortable and an unnecessary comparison, stated as a negative to put me down. I do not myself believe that I am in any way ‘camp’ and my friends have said similar things about him, however I made sure I shielded him from their views, whereas he took great delight in what I believe was boosting his own ego, and trying to make himself feel better by putting me down and embarrassing me in front of his friends.
I have always been very supportive of him, giving him the space and the time to deal with things in his own way and never pressuring him to do or say anything that he has not been comfortable with. As all of this was happening and I was trying to boost his confidence however I began having problems with my own self esteem. This is where the real problem now lies. He gradually began to stop commenting on women, to the point where he now does not do this at all. He still hasn’t told his parents, which is a shame as I am certain they know already, and I believe will support him no matter what. Although sometimes I used to wonder whether it was because he wasn’t interested I can safely say that after two and a half years together and planning our future, it is not that which bothers me.
I find myself still making comparisons and wondering if others still do the same between us when I am around his friends at university. He has recently told me that he’s fairly certain he is just gay, something that I have suspected for a long time. Nobody else knows this however and I can’t help feeling uncomfortable that all they have to go on is the bravado he used to and still occasionally puts on. I feel that I am the only person that truly knows him, and this makes me uncomfortable around him and other people. I wonder often what they must really think of him/us/me. I know that he cares for me very deeply and that the opinions of others shouldn’t matter but I do struggle with them. If he meets somebody new he quickly becomes the flirty person of which I have come to dislike. He is not a naturally flirty person, cheeky yes, but I can see a clear difference between the two in him and I have come to notice that he enjoys being seen as straight, telling me happily about his dad trying to set him up with a girl recently for example.
This is entirely unfair on him now however, as he has come a long way, in accepting who he is, and becoming more proud. I am very proud of him. He treats me well, has learnt to listen to anything that might be bothering me rather than shooting me down as he used to, and I have never known anyone to love me in the way that he does. I love him to pieces but I feel that the last few years have taken their toll on me. If he mentions somebody that he used to tell me often was fit I immediately return to when it happened before, and all of the negative and confused feelings I had rush back and I struggle to shake them off.
Despite how well I feel I know him, I can’t feel completely sure, as he is a different person depending on the circumstances, and how he is feeling at the time. Every now and again he does still make me feel quite small in front of people, and say things to come across in a particular way, and after a few years of ever changing portrayals of his character, nobody knowing him or us as we are, and the occasional put downs and way in which he often patronises me I am not sure on what to do.
I feel that more recently it is a problem that I have. My self esteem is very low, and I should most put all of what has come before behind me, but I struggle, and I feel that when I am there I will always be reminded of the past, or feel belittled and put down in some small way.
I am a 20 year old bi guy (pretty sure but not 100%) and have been in a relationship with a guy for two and a half years. It has been very complicated from the start, partly because I have secretly been a little uncertain as to my own sexuality, but largely I feel due to my boyfriend being extremely unhappy with his.
The first part of our relationship began with him telling me repeatedly that he was straight and that it was only me, which fairly quickly turned into him being bi. Nobody else was to know this however, and to the outside world he was straight. At first it was fun, something we had that nobody else knew about but I did start to find it increasingly difficult. His friends would often tell me about girls he liked, and whether it was to hide his sexuality or not he made a point to comment on girls around all of his friends a lot, and to flirt outrageously with girls regardless of whether I was around. In addition to this he began to tell me some quite cutting remarks that his parents had made about me, and my sexuality, which as I am at the age where people’s comments can hurt left quite an impact, particularly as they were his parents and their opinions were important to me. It might be worth saying also that this is my first and only serious relationship to date.
Things continued in this way until we eventually had to leave for university. We were very close and I believe that he loved me very much, but he said he did not want to be in a relationship at university, he left before me and stopped contact. I found this difficult, as he still text me as if we were together once I had got to university myself, and upon one visit during the first term we briefly rekindled our romance, only for him to tell me after we had slept together that he didn’t feel the same as he used to and so there was not much point. I believe that this was because he suddenly realised the gravity of the situation, as I know he has never been interested in anyone else since we have met. Over the Christmas holiday we started seeing each other again, and he told his friends that I was his boyfriend and that he was bi, a big step for him and something that I appreciated a lot, not having to sneak around anymore. It showed me that he was committed to making it work. I visited him at university to find posters of naked women everywhere, and the amount of times he commented on and flirted with girls had increased heavily (pinching girls bums in front of me, undoing their bras etc). All of this took me by surprise as it is not the person I knew/know. It is my opinion that he got to university and put on a front, as he was unhappy with himself at the time.
I felt as if I had gone from being unknown and people seeing him as straight, to being known, but not very acknowledged, as it all seemed (at least to me) quite undermining to a relationship, particularly as by now we had been together for almost a year. When sat all together there were often times that he would tell me things that his friends had said about him being ‘a lot more manly than me’. I found this extremely uncomfortable and an unnecessary comparison, stated as a negative to put me down. I do not myself believe that I am in any way ‘camp’ and my friends have said similar things about him, however I made sure I shielded him from their views, whereas he took great delight in what I believe was boosting his own ego, and trying to make himself feel better by putting me down and embarrassing me in front of his friends.
I have always been very supportive of him, giving him the space and the time to deal with things in his own way and never pressuring him to do or say anything that he has not been comfortable with. As all of this was happening and I was trying to boost his confidence however I began having problems with my own self esteem. This is where the real problem now lies. He gradually began to stop commenting on women, to the point where he now does not do this at all. He still hasn’t told his parents, which is a shame as I am certain they know already, and I believe will support him no matter what. Although sometimes I used to wonder whether it was because he wasn’t interested I can safely say that after two and a half years together and planning our future, it is not that which bothers me.
I find myself still making comparisons and wondering if others still do the same between us when I am around his friends at university. He has recently told me that he’s fairly certain he is just gay, something that I have suspected for a long time. Nobody else knows this however and I can’t help feeling uncomfortable that all they have to go on is the bravado he used to and still occasionally puts on. I feel that I am the only person that truly knows him, and this makes me uncomfortable around him and other people. I wonder often what they must really think of him/us/me. I know that he cares for me very deeply and that the opinions of others shouldn’t matter but I do struggle with them. If he meets somebody new he quickly becomes the flirty person of which I have come to dislike. He is not a naturally flirty person, cheeky yes, but I can see a clear difference between the two in him and I have come to notice that he enjoys being seen as straight, telling me happily about his dad trying to set him up with a girl recently for example.
This is entirely unfair on him now however, as he has come a long way, in accepting who he is, and becoming more proud. I am very proud of him. He treats me well, has learnt to listen to anything that might be bothering me rather than shooting me down as he used to, and I have never known anyone to love me in the way that he does. I love him to pieces but I feel that the last few years have taken their toll on me. If he mentions somebody that he used to tell me often was fit I immediately return to when it happened before, and all of the negative and confused feelings I had rush back and I struggle to shake them off.
Despite how well I feel I know him, I can’t feel completely sure, as he is a different person depending on the circumstances, and how he is feeling at the time. Every now and again he does still make me feel quite small in front of people, and say things to come across in a particular way, and after a few years of ever changing portrayals of his character, nobody knowing him or us as we are, and the occasional put downs and way in which he often patronises me I am not sure on what to do.
I feel that more recently it is a problem that I have. My self esteem is very low, and I should most put all of what has come before behind me, but I struggle, and I feel that when I am there I will always be reminded of the past, or feel belittled and put down in some small way.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Virgo
