31 y/o age difference: Need Your Advice

[Jules]

Good morning (GMT+2),

My name is Jules. I am half Caucasian-Asian, 19 years old. I speak French equivalently to native speakers.

First-meet : We have been with each others for two months. We met in a private welcoming party of a common friend of us working for a European aeronautic business who just moved to Bangkok. At the beginning we were both not in the good mood of your exes (mine were Icelander and a few French). As soon as we talk, the sadness just disappeared and we started to enjoy our conversation as if we had known each other for a long time. Finishing party, I drove him to his hotel and there we started a long conversation and falling for each other.

Him : He is 50 years old. He looks like somebody in his 40 or 45. Muscled gentleman with well-educated manners who always respects me. He is 100% caucasian and Frenchy-headed.

ME : I am 19 years old. I am 192 cm. tall and this doesn't make me look somebody in my age at all. I am turned off with those discussions about gossip things and prefer somebody who discusses politics, human rights, economy and business. I started a business with an on-line RPG game when I was 17 and I was successful of obtaining monthly a thousand dollar profit which is a holy-grail for my life, then I decided to stop as I have to concentrate on study several months later.

Common points we often discuss: French politics, US politics, airlines policy with their customers and workers, First and Second World War, religions, Europe history.... We are both French left-headed. He=socialism. Me=moderate liberalism.

We see each other: Basically at least we stay 3 days a month together. Either he flies to Bangkok where I do my degrees or I fly to see him in France, or taking some days off in other gay-friendly countries: HK, Vietnam, Germany, Europe and Asia.

What I like in him : Maturity, respects, Monarchism, a man who cares little important details and CAREs for me, his patient to me especially with my expenses

What he told he LIKED in me : overaged maturity, sense of humour, a first person telling love, a first guy to make him feel in the ways he never felt before

What I wish to fix in him : Pessimism about the big age difference in our relation. He always says he is afraid that someday a good-looking me would leave him...

What HE wishes to fix in ME : over-expensing with French products.

Our plan: We have been living with each others for weeks. For me, if everything remains the same, I'll accept his proposal to a French PACS (social contract) which will instantly give an annual residence permit in France for me and a privilege to unlimited air tickets to every single part of the world.

Having read a few topics concerning the same problem here, I still think my case is a really special one with this age gap difference in the gay history. I always tell him not to worry even Madonna (55) has been with a 24 y/o boyfriend, maybe the right one for somebody is not born yet.

QUESTION: I'm in a serious relation with a French guy who ages 31 years than me. I just wonder to see how you guys think and see our relation? Personally, I think this is not going to be easy, but it is going to be worthwhile. I have been always thinking of getting into a serious relationship with a reasonable Mr.Right. I am not a kind of beautiful-world person and am even realistic. What kind of difficulty we would face since this age gap?

Thanks to you guys helping me out
Jules

[LateBloomer]

Honestly, yes, the age difference is a concern for me.

For some people, it's NOT a concern.

But listen, he's already told you it's a concern for HIM. So, this is a red flag for you. You must be very careful here.

Secondly, and probably a bigger problem is the DISTANCE. Bangkok to Paris is HUGE! Perhaps it's just temporary, but I have personally experienced the challenges of a long distance relationship (for about 3 months). It's very difficult.

I think you have a lot of challenges here, and I hope you don't get hurt, but I'm afraid you're setting yourself up for a big disappointment.

Good luck.

[Waylon777]

Yeah.. Long distance relationship is really hard. I know couple people that got turn off for begin in long distance relationship for nearly 10 years!

[EvenOlderButWiser]

The age difference will be a problem for OTHER people.

His uncertainty at this stage of the relationship (only 3 months in) is completely understandable. He doesn't really know you yet and you have not properly lived together.

My main comment would be that you have to love him and want to be with him for who he is, and not what he can give you. At the moment its clear from your message that he could give you everything. Thats a pretty strong incentive to stay, even if you don't love the guy, and I suspect that may be his concern this early on.

I would say, stick with it for now, give it 6 months, see how the true feelings develop for both of you (be honest with yourself and him!) and then take things from there.

Good Luck!
ObW
X

[Jules]

Honestly, yes, the age difference is a concern for me.

For some people, it's NOT a concern.

But listen, he's already told you it's a concern for HIM. So, this is a red flag for you. You must be very careful here.

Secondly, and probably a bigger problem is the DISTANCE. Bangkok to Paris is HUGE! Perhaps it's just temporary, but I have personally experienced the challenges of a long distance relationship (for about 3 months). It's very difficult.

I think you have a lot of challenges here, and I hope you don't get hurt, but I'm afraid you're setting yourself up for a big disappointment.

Good luck.

Thank you, I know the distance is huge, but again I'll try.

If it works, it works.

If it doesn't work, he remains one of the most importantly influential person in my life.

Thanks again

to Waylon777 : Thank you

to OlderButWiser : Thank you for such an encouraging post. I'd stick with it for 6 months as your advice.

I do normally attract lot of guys.

The thing inside him that turns me on so much is his devotion to me. This really wins my heart

[Bowyn Aerrow]

What I wish to fix in him : Pessimism about the big age difference in our relation. He always says he is afraid that someday a good-looking me would leave him...

What HE wishes to fix in ME : over-expensing with French products.

Relationships that start off with the intent to 'fix' the other never really end well.

The rest to me isn't that big of deal, but this - this 'I want to fix (change) X about you tells me that while you two may be connecting on one level, you are not actually with the person you want to be, so have decided that its perfectly ok to remake each other in the image you want.

This is no better than trying to make a short man tall by putting him on the rack and stretching him out - it is painful, horrible and ultimately really doesn't work.

[Jules]

Relationships that start off with the intent to 'fix' the other never really end well.

The rest to me isn't that big of deal, but this - this 'I want to fix (change) X about you tells me that while you two may be connecting on one level, you are not actually with the person you want to be, so have decided that its perfectly ok to remake each other in the image you want.

This is no better than trying to make a short man tall by putting him on the rack and stretching him out - it is painful, horrible and ultimately really doesn't work.

Thanks for your concern,

I would make an apology if my words are not, to you, completely understandable.

All I wanted to say from the whole text, if you have entirely read it, is that apart of 95% things in our interests in common, we have some different points from each other. This does not mean at all that I am with a person I don't like. Though, it is IMPOSSIBLE to be with the one sharing every single point of you, the only way to do so is to look to yourself in the mirror, not even with twins.

So, FIX in this point is different things we see each other, but not a DEFAULT at all.

I gave these criteria to illustrate how we are. For the right person, I think I am already with the right one.

Might not be for ever, but for this breathtaking moment... YES!

Thanks,
Jules

[Kenny221]

Okay, I know they say age is just a number...but not, sadly it isn't true. I got the hots for older men too, but from what I can understand is that there's a major life-stage gap between you guys. He might be looking for other things in life, why you're looking for another. Age gap doesn't matter as much as Life-stage gap. Because it's really the Life-stage gap that really creates concerns for most may-december romances(relationships with age-gap) .

Personally, I don't think it's a 'go' considering you're only 19 right now. You've barley seen the world, and he has seen nearly all of it.

Of course, if you guys truly like each other, who are we to stop you? You should go for it if you believe in this relationship. It's gonna be tough, but if you guys are serious, the ending will be worth it.

[Jules]

Okay, I know they say age is just a number...but not, sadly it isn't true. I got the hots for older men too, but from what I can understand is that there's a major life-stage gap between you guys. He might be looking for other things in life, why you're looking for another. Age gap doesn't matter as much as Life-stage gap. Because it's really the Life-stage gap that really creates concerns for most may-december romances(relationships with age-gap) .

Personally, I don't think it's a 'go' considering you're only 19 right now. You've barley seen the world, and he has seen nearly all of it.

Of course, if you guys truly like each other, who are we to stop you? You should go for it if you believe in this relationship. It's gonna be tough, but if you guys are serious, the ending will be worth it.

Thank you, you are right Life-stage gap would be more concerned than age difference. There are common things in common we are looking to, but still many things he does not share my idea.

You are right. I am trying with no expectation.

If it works, it works.
If it doesn't work, this will still be one of the most precious moments in my life.

Thanks,
Jules