Need some advice

[veep]

Long story short, a few months ago I met a guy who is 26, and from Sweden. I am 33 and from Chicago. We met in Chicago while he was there for summer vacation. We met a day before he was supposed to go back home, spent an afternoon together, which quickly became my inviting him to my place, we had some wine, messed around though no sex, slept with me in my bed and the next day I had to drive him to the airport. Up to this point, I knew he was just looking for a good time during his last night in town, all good.
The same afternoon he sent me a text saying he'd like to stay in touch, and I had just sent him an email asking the same thing. We started texting everyday, many times a day, telling how much we liked each other, and soon enough it came up that I would be in Germany for work and he would meet me there for a weekend in 2 months. We kept texting, daily, started talking on the phone several times a week, told each other we made each other feel good, etc.
When summer ended, he started going back to school and we kept talking though slightly less, which I find understandable for someone with a lot of school work. Still, the trip to Germany kept getting planned and we both said we are so excited to hang out.
The day of the trip arrives and he texts me right before the plane ride that he wants to make sure there are no expectations on the trip, that it is a chance to get to know each other etc. We meet up, have dinner, drink, sleep together but no sex or even more than kissing, which felt nice. The next day we hang out, cuddle in bed, walk around munich, have dinner, sleep together, constantly get to bed and hug each other and kiss, sleep tangled on one another, go out to dinner, be all over each other, finally have sex, which was amazing. Then being the last night he says he has had a great time with me and was really glad he came although he had been having second thoughts about the trip. I admitted to the same, which is normal. He says it's unfortunate we are not in the same cities and I agree and he says he will definitely see me again.
The next day we have sex again, and go to the airport, where we hug good bye. We exchange a few text messages here and there, though less than normal because I feel like I may be being pushy. So I am unsure on how to go about things next because I don't want to be needy, yet I don't want the thing to fizzle away. On the one hand, by contacting him less than I have for months may make him think that I am no longer interested, and on the other, I don't want to bee pushy. He has never been much the one to initiate, so I can't read much on his end as far as being in touch. Any thoughts are appreciated.

[jimcrackcorn]

What's your goal concerning this relationship? Are you interested in being just friends, or do you want to take it to the next level - being a couple.

Keeping in mind that long distance relationships are difficult to maintain, do you think you can make it work? Can either of you permanently move to be with the other.

Your friend needs to know how you feel about him, and both of you need to work out the dynamics of the relationship, and whether it's even possible.

Don't waste time trying to figure out how many text & phone calls you should make in order to keep him interested. Be up front with your feelings. You can't play a guessing game in long distance relationships, they require a certain degree of commitment from the start.

Sincerely,
Jim

[veep]

Thanks! We have talked about being together, and he actually wants to move to Chicago. Always has wanted to be in the States. It would just be some time until that can happen.

I think my main issue is that I am not sure if he is just playing with me or what. I have asked if he is with many guys and he told me he doesn't have time to multi date, so no. I find it hard to believe that someone would lead someone on for months at a long distance and join them on a weekend trip if they are just playing, but I guess you never know.

Thanks again,

James

[princealbertofb]

Love works in strange ways... and the heart doesn't always know what it wants... then there's the reality checks, which show all the difficulties of a relationship with such distances.... I think Pellaz's question is a good one. Would you move to Sweden, or would he move to the States? I think you can get married in Sweden, but maybe not in Illinois (don't know about equal marriage status in Illinois), should it become a necessity to avoid awkward visas.

[princealbertofb]

Thanks! We have talked about being together, and he actually wants to move to Chicago. Always has wanted to be in the States. It would just be some time until that can happen.

I think my main issue is that I am not sure if he is just playing with me or what. I have asked if he is with many guys and he told me he doesn't have time to multi date, so no. I find it hard to believe that someone would lead someone on for months at a long distance and join them on a weekend trip if they are just playing, but I guess you never know.

Thanks again,

James

James, he's probably having the same qualms as you, because the whole adventure seems so improbable. Goodness knows what other factors come into play, like family, and advice he may have received from relatives, from friends and acquaintances... If you are still talking via phone and chat, maybe you can both get to clarify your situations?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

So I am unsure on how to go about things next because I don't want to be needy, yet I don't want the thing to fizzle away.

Look, if you are 'too needy' in his books, then not talking about it doesn't actually make you less needy, it only means you are lying to him about your needs.

It is best to severe this particular relationship if he can't meet your needs and hope to find a guy who can meet those needs.

Another issue here is you are unwilling to communicate with him. That never ends well for relationships.

These questions you have about your relationship with him need to be directed at him. He is the only person on earth that can tell you what he wants, what he thinks, what he plans for, dreams of and find acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship.

Wanting to know where this is, where this is going and not wanting it to fizzle if there is a chance is not really needy - well it is, but its not like 'sick needy' its more like 'this is what relationships are all about needy'.

Yes I know its scary, and there are risks he will reject you. I assure you, being rejected flat out is far less painful in the long run than sticking with something that is doomed to fail, or worse based on lies because one or both sides here is unwilling/unable to accept rejection or actually man up to the fact they don't want this particular relationship.

You need to talk to him. You and he need to decide together where 'us' is going, if 'us' has a future.

Without communication this will not end well.

I hope this works out for you, I hope you too get what you want and need from each other.

[nfisher1226]

I have had a few cases of "that's a little too much reality" in reading BA's posts, but I have to give this one the thumbs up in it's entirety. I think he's exactly right on this one and has said what you need to hear. The only help we can give you, that isn't utter speculation, is to try to give you a push towards talking to him a little more openly about what you want and need.

I don't envy you the situation. Talk about long distance, there's literally an ocean and large chunks of two continents separating you from him.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Little too much reality - Care to step into my brain for a day then tell me about it and nag and complain - You only get a taste - I live with the f***ker 24/7...

:biggrin:

[nfisher1226]

Well since you don't know me too well yet I'll resist the urge to get pissy. But I will say, you don't have a monopoly on the screwed up overactive brain. Mine is hard to shut down.

What I wished to convey was respect mostly. I'm getting to know the various characters here and I've noticed a lot of negativity in your posts, which is what I meant by too much reality, but my hats off to you for always putting forth well thought out and thought provoking posts. I may not always agree, but I can't fault your intellect.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yeah I know I don't own the whole market on 'reality'... just controlling interest

I appreciate the respect angle.

Negativity - hmm. Perhaps....