Be Happy being single, then you'll meet someone...

[Anonymous]

I can relate and I think a lot of people here can as well to this.

For awhile back, and still from time to time I get the same way
I get lost in my own head, distance myself from everyone and just
do a lot of introspection and pretty much hate myself for everything.

Relationship's are a part of life, but it shouldn't be the main goal of
anyones life.

And I still believe that you should know yourself first and be 'complete'
before you enter into a relationship. If you're looking for someone to
'complete' you then what's gonna happen if that person goes away..?

I'm sure you've heard it all before, but I hope that you don't believe
that being in a relationship will magically make everything okay.

Feel better~

I know it wont magically make everything ok, but it will be a cornerstone to help me climb out of this place. I will feel like someone cares what I do with myself, and I could take comfort knowing they're there to talk to.

Pairing up is a natural drive. Its hard-written into our DNA. Just ebcause we like the same gender doesnt mean those drives go away. Pairing up is the "Natural ideal" situation. all of human advance has been to impress a mate (except a few exceptions).

I know myself already. I've known myself for a couple of years. Even though things change every day, I know myself and what changes.
I am an introvert, which for me means I prefer small groups over parties, quiet over loud noise, staying in and watching a movie/play video games/read/write or go on long walks around town exploring.
A few years ago though, I realized its no fun anymore doing these things without someone to do them with, but as an introvert, all the usual ways of meeting people are a huge obstacle. Im also extremely shy. Being a shy introvert makes it even more difficult to force myself to go places where I'll be uncomfortable. I've tried; I've gone to clubs, bars, and would have gone to some events except that hereabouts, there's also a bit of a language barrier, and most people on either side of said barrier tend to look down at people who struggle with the other language. I'm not one of them, Your mother tongue is your mother tongue...

" And I still believe that you should know yourself first and be 'complete'
before you enter into a relationship. If you're looking for someone to
'complete' you then what's gonna happen if that person goes away..? "

Then you go from paradise to a twilight paradise, because for a few glorious years, you were complete, and you can generally get on with the knowledge that you had the time you had together. When its over, the happiness you experienced will most likely get you through, and you might meet someone else even.

[justbry87]

No the fact that someone cared for a little while is unbearable to live with afterwards. It haunts your dreams, spoils your joy and leaves you feeling crippled and unable to move.

^This pretty much.

I don't get how someone can take comfort in knowing that someone
at least cared for some time..?

I'd feel like some toy a child go sick off and thrown in the bin.

[Anonymous]

cant quote right now for some reason. So:

"Yes I have heard of that and I disagree with the statement.

I have been on both sides of this particular fence. I completely agree that it feels like it would be better. But once I hurdled that fence and discovered the pangs of love and of loss, I realized I was far 'happier' being without love.

Even being in love hurts - its stressful, worrisome, irritating. The 'joy' party only appears to offset the responsibility, the agonizing, the doubts, and all of the other interestingly complex aching emotions that take place while in a romance.

Love is a disorder, a chemical disease that rots the brain, steals ones logic and causes a person to grow dependent on another. it is a madness, a mental illness which sadly has a scientific and horrifyingly short lifespan based on evolution of the species and how weak and horrible infants are compared to other species: http://www.franktallis.com/lovesick.htm

This desire for love you have, is your biological clock ticking to do no more than to insure the survival of your genetics. When you do fall in love, it will last about 2 years and that will be that.

Madness I tell you, simple, pure madness.

That two year mark holds pretty true and when that two years is up then you will find that your hurt, your loneliness and all of those things your currently experiencing are going to rush in and you get loss, and lots of other crap due to the crappiness your relationship turns too because as far as your body is concerned, love has served its purpose.

What you are currently longing for right now is a satisfaction to chemical urges which no one can satisfy for ever. Hot passion dims to cooler, more temperate affection. http://www.omg-facts.com/Science/Rom...-Year-Af/57044

Its no surprise that one year to two years after falling in love couples go sorta crazy, wondering what in the hell did they see in that other person - wondering why they are shivering cold in bed while their partner has become disinterested in all of that cuddling and snuggling.

No the fact that someone cared for a little while is unbearable to live with afterwards. It haunts your dreams, spoils your joy and leaves you feeling crippled and unable to move.

And the real horror part is yet to come, once you have love and find out about the ugly side you go in search of more love instead of doing the rational thing and that is stop doing that which causes pain."

I notice none of those links used long-term couples as variables, and only went for new couples.
The study would have had different conclusions if it studied people who have been together past the 2 years mark of which you speak.

Again, you say you think it would be better if you had never been in love. I say you're wrong. i'm in that place. Its easy to quote science and talk of the downsides to a relationship having had at least one decent one.

"Its no surprise that one year to two years after falling in love couples go sorta crazy, wondering what in the hell did they see in that other person - wondering why they are shivering cold in bed while their partner has become disinterested in all of that cuddling and snuggling."

There's more to love then physical contact. If a relationship falls apart after the physical aspect fades, how can you call that love? I know people, in my family and outside of it, who are still in love after a long time together. It fades after the "Falling in love" mentioned in the article, but all of them talk about a deeper, more meaningful connection that came about after that period, AND a few even commented on how it almost fell apart, because there was a period between falling in love and the deeper love where they drifted apart and nearly separated.
Yes, these are things I asked about at one point or another.

"If you are in a depression then it is depression, not single-hood that is the problem."

My depression is a direct result of my singleness. It started a decade ago, but wasn't hard to cope with at all. It grew to a point where I decided choosing to be single (which i did in high school) is not only the wrong choice, but its most likely the main reason people commit suicide.
And I dont mean single, but going out, getting drunk and meeting random people for potential hookups. I mean single, as in I've never broken the ice, so to speak. The most I've done is kiss a guy.

Ignorance is not bliss. I dont know how you can claim that, not being ignorant to having that connection with someone... Its an assumption on your part, and I'm telling you; Its an incorrect assumption.

[nfisher1226]

All the differing opinions should make a point that hasn't been mentioned yet. Everyone is different and experiences things differently, so maybe there isn't one right answer? For some people maybe it is better to just remain single, while for others it's better to have loved and lost.

I stand by what I wrote earlier though. There are some pretty clearly defined relationship related patterns that large groups of people live out, that are self destructive and actually drag society down too. I don't care how sad you are with being alone, not having a relationship really is preferable to being in a bad relationship.

So anyway, the "no sir you're wrong" type answers are a bit off base in my opinion, but I think there's a lot of wisdom to be found in this thread on all sides of the issues if one can apply it to their own life in a thoughtful way. That is, read it and understand the concepts, but use your own head and heart to find your answers.

[Joshular]

I disagree strongly with you here. I would thrill to have a relationship, even if it fell apart. Not for the pain or suffering a breakup caused, just the fact that someone cared for a while at least, even if they dont anymore.

Have you ever heard "it's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all?"
I recently realised exactly what this means

Well then love people. Try putting yourself out there.

[quasimodoalone]

I've been there, & am still there now!. I've been single since I was 18, and out since 30. Have been looking for ten years, but nobody has crossed my path yet. I've now decided to stay single for the rest of my life.......it's easier that way, no one gets hurt.

[quasimodoalone]

"Theres someone out there for everyone". The amount of times this phrase is quoted to me, is unbeliveable. Sadly, one of my answers is "What a load of tripe", or, if I'm feeling in a good mood:......Well, the right person hasn't crossed my path yet, & I'm tired of waiting".

Sadly, there is not someone for everyone....theres not enough people on the planet!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Sadly, there is not someone for everyone....theres not enough people on the planet!

Is that right?

There is currently 7,120,851,650 human beings on this particular speck of dust.

Assuming that only 1.8% are Gay that means 131,735,755.5 (approximately) are gay. Assuming that only 48% of those are male 63,233,162.6 (approximately) are gay males.

Adjusting the numbers to better reflect which decade of their life they are in then you have approximately 10,538,122.72 (approximately and on average) gay males on planet earth that are within a ten year window of your current age.

To put that in perspective, the population of New york City is 8.337 million, so you can throw all of the gay men around your age into New york City and have over 2 million over spill.

The problem is not enough potential mates. 10.5 million men would require you 19.97 years to speed date at just one minute spend talking to each one of them, assuming you don't do other things like sleep.

No matter how you try to slice it the problem is not that there are not enough people on earth not enough gay men.

There are more than enough people on this planet.

I think the reality here is you are too lazy to travel about your planet dating all 10.5 million potential suitors - or your just too picky. :tongue:

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I didn't say 10% I said 1.8%...

[Anonymous]

And dont forget the number of gay men who are shallow and only seek their next conquest before moving on.... That dilutes the pool even further