Be Happy being single, then you'll meet someone...

[dfiant1]

No, I would rather follow the antogonist in this discussion and start an argument that makes no sense and pretend that I am really really smart then run away and hide and watch everyone else tear each other throats out.

Is that ok Josh?

[Joshular]

In the marvelous words of Elf Stuart to the antagonists

"I'LL BIT YOU FACE CUNT"

Elf is beautiful when youtube makes him say this <3

In other words please don't bait in threads. Especially ones where people are looking for advice or council.

[Matt]

Please don't think I'm baiting or antagonizing here. I think they're directly related.

Do the statistics make sense? Can we realistically as gay men expect a heteronormative marital type relationship? I'm trying to wrap my head around this entire situation.

I'd love a committed, long term relationship. But, can we really expect it to happen? How many gay men do we have in long term committed relationships? Is it the norm or a rarity? That being said, maybe we should accept singledom and if we find a relationship, it's like finding that $100 in a jacket at the start of fall.

PS. If this makes no sense let me know. I'm having über jumbled thoughts right now.

[Joshular]

Please don't think I'm baiting or antagonizing here. I think they're directly related.

Do the statistics make sense? Can we realistically as gay men expect a heteronormative marital type relationship? I'm trying to wrap my head around this entire situation.

I'd love a committed, long term relationship. But, can we really expect it to happen? How many gay men do we have in long term committed relationships? Is it the norm or a rarity? That being said, maybe we should accept singledom and if we find a relationship, it's like finding that $100 in a jacket at the start of fall.

PS. If this makes no sense let me know. I'm having über jumbled thoughts right now.

I think do what you want
u.u
I know what I want and I don't think it is too far fetched to go after it
I want long term stability with a significant other. I think it is a very realistic thing and if others aren't after than then they can piss off. Simple. I've distanced myself from the 'gay scene' in order to get away from sluts and bitches and other unnecessary dramas that come with the 'gay scene' in order to find someone grounded and sincere. Most of the people on the gay scene for aren't what I'm looking for.

Now heteronormative or what ever it is I'm not sure what you mean by that. I think I know what you mean.

[dfiant1]

WTF is is this heteronormive...FFS get over the labels.

Some people are made for relationships, I don't think this has anything to do with gender, gender identity or sexuality...love is love, it happens when it is supposed to happen.

[southbiochem]

This is so bitter and horrifying.

The honest to goodness truth is that you enter your relationship with the person you already are. If you're a happy person you'll bring happiness to that relationship. If your depressed you'll bring depression.

And honestly very few people who aren't as depressed and wanting a relationship are going to want to be with you --- and you won't even notice them ---- you want someone that looks happy --- and a happy person isn't going to want someone that brings them down.

This thread's header is actually a great idea. Because being happy alone sets the table for a healthy relationship. Plus, if that relationship turns unhealthy, it gives you the strength to make the healthy choices you need to make.

I posted previously agreeing with anonymous on how crappy it feels to be alone constantly. I will grant myself the freedom to speak in mine and his behalf, taking from what he replied to me.

We're not talking about being alone inbewteen or during guys. If I read correctly anonymous has never had a relationship and has been alone 17 years. I can say the same except for me it has been 13 years since I first liked someone...

He has many of my same problems...we're practically no one's type, we are more or less social recluses, which obviously doesn't help. I for one am completely different from how anyone my age range is...in likes, dislikes, behavior, etc.

Personally, being a closeted bastard is DETRIMENTAL, most certainly, but the way people in general have behaved towards me over the yearshas made it very clear that If I was straight I would have the exact same problem..

Yes it is bitter and horrifying, that's exactly the point that people like anonymous and myself make...It's not like we like it, Mr! Saying that is not exactly helpful.

It's a vicious circle, the more alone you are the more bitter you get, the more desperate you get and then off course you become less and less appealing.

In that regard you make a very good and very true statement: unless you start liking yourself you can't expect people to like you, so, yes, being depressed, desperate and bitter will not be appealing to anyone.

Other folks also make a good point in saying that relationships can go horribly wrong and become the source of pain too..alas, we haven't had the pleasure of even having a relationship to begin with, so right now, all we can think of is how years of continuous loneliness have eroded whatever self-esteem we had.

Well then love people. Try putting yourself out there.

Now there's someone trying to be helpful...

Yes, Josh, indeed, difficult as it maybe for some of us...yes, at some point people in our situation need to step out and take the risk...


Anyway, I'm sorry again anonymous, for my own rant...I'm trying to put perspective into some people's head...not trying to start a fight or anything..

Just know, that you're not alone in this whole being alone business..poor comfort as it may be

[Wade]

Just know, that you're not alone in this whole being alone business..poor comfort as it may be

"They're sharing a drink they call loneliness... but it's better than drinking alone"

- Billy Joel Piano Man

I agree with everything you said SouthBioChem. I also kind of agree with everything everyone else has said.

This is an interesting topic. The people who have been in several relationships can't understand the pain and anger that comes from never hearing someone tell you "I love you." Never being acknowledged as a person worthy of intimate attention.

It's not just that "it's a bummer to be alone," the real problem is wondering WHY you have ALWAYS been alone, and the only conclusion that seems to make sense is that there is something WRONG with you/us (inaccurate as this may be; such is the danger of over thinking these things).

And the people who have never been in a relationship have no idea of the pain, financial devastation, sense of worthlessness and heartache that comes with their aftermath.

So.... people can't relate to others whose plight is not identical... surprise!

Life is hard, for everyone. I hate the "No, I HAVE IT HARDER THAN YOU!!" game. It's pointless.


There's a line from the movie Magnolia that made me cry when I first saw it. Bill Macy's character is a middle aged gay man who's never been in a relationship. Near the end of the movie, in a fit of tears, he tells somebody "I have so much love to give, I just don't know where to put it."

[nfisher1226]

In regards to longevity in relationships, and how gay compares to straight, I have some thoughts.

This is an apples to oranges comparison in large part because of how the world has viewed homosexuality for most of it's existence. If all of the gay and/or bisexual people in the world could just come right out without any worries, there would be a much larger dating pool for one. If there were places to meet that weren't bars. If the bar scene hadn't grown up in an era of secrecy and shame, which still influences it's culture. If people's expectations weren't already biased. If, if, if.

I predict that as society becomes more accepting of homosexual relationships those relationships will have more of a chance for stability. There's an awful lot of guys out there who want a committed relationship with a guy but aren't willing to accept themselves fully, so they instead settle for stolen moments here and there, the occasional hookup, and brief relationships that have no depth. It's also hard enough to hold a relationship together without the added stress of unsupportive family and friends, hostile neighbors, confusing legal status, even more confusing partner benefits if they exist at all, etc.

if society keeps forging ahead at it's current state of change on LGTBQ issues, there's going to be a pretty substantial adjustment period while everybody tries to figure out the new "normal", followed by a big relaxation when everybody realizes the world kept spinning and society didn't collapse. At that point I think you'll see that gay relationships have as much chance at stability as straight relationships. Until then it's just plain not a fair comparison.

I could be wrong of course, but I don't think so.

[Pix]

I still don't see anything about SEX here just someone who'd very much like intimacy and love in their life

Because he could get ALL the things he desires from friendship. The close friends are loving, caring, wanting to get close, and help you feel better (that doesn't mean they coddle anymore than a lover would, that is if you got a booger in your nose they'll tell you). The ONLY difference between friends and dating is that there is likely sex or there is at least the promise of sex someday. I can understand wanting a relationship in addition but not the "nobody cares unless it's dating."

And friends could help him find someone, too. Not just directly, and not just because a friend can become a lover (it's happened plenty of times), but having a life and not being so desperate for someone which scares people away. If he wants to ignore that, fine, some people do like the clingy and desperate but they're usually not good for you and often are just taking advantage of you before tossing you aside bored (or you leave when you realize you're just being used).

This is all true but there's something personal here, too....how many guys bitch about being put in the "friend zone." Because anyone they want to fuck has no other value that counts as much as that.

[dfiant1]

That's very narrow minded and simplistic, not to mention an awesome attempt at generalising as well as telling people how they should think because it is what you think and anyone else that differs to you is wrong...you can argue all you want that the OP meant sex, but the fact is he has not mentioned sex at all and you have only assumed he meant sex and hence offered completely incorrect advice...or you are here purely to start and arguement and then blame everyone else for being abusing and negative because they don't agree with you.

sometimes it pays more rent to keep your mouth closed