Be Happy being single, then you'll meet someone...

[Joshular]

So you won't answer the question of what makes a romantic relationship different from friendship? Then this misunderstanding cannot be resolved.

Over and out.

Baaaaack :3
What makes a romantic relationship different from a friendship is ROMANCE

[starbelly]

"They're sharing a drink they call loneliness... but it's better than drinking alone"

- Billy Joel Piano Man

I agree with everything you said SouthBioChem. I also kind of agree with everything everyone else has said.

This is an interesting topic. The people who have been in several relationships can't understand the pain and anger that comes from never hearing someone tell you "I love you." Never being acknowledged as a person worthy of intimate attention.

It's not just that "it's a bummer to be alone," the real problem is wondering WHY you have ALWAYS been alone, and the only conclusion that seems to make sense is that there is something WRONG with you/us (inaccurate as this may be; such is the danger of over thinking these things).

And the people who have never been in a relationship have no idea of the pain, financial devastation, sense of worthlessness and heartache that comes with their aftermath.

So.... people can't relate to others whose plight is not identical... surprise!

Life is hard, for everyone. I hate the "No, I HAVE IT HARDER THAN YOU!!" game. It's pointless.


There's a line from the movie Magnolia that made me cry when I first saw it. Bill Macy's character is a middle aged gay man who's never been in a relationship. Near the end of the movie, in a fit of tears, he tells somebody "I have so much love to give, I just don't know where to put it."

I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head here.

I'm in the camp of people who have never been in a relationship, and it FUCKIN SUCKS. Sorry, it does. I feel like I miss out on a lot because of it.

It's a difficult thing to talk to people about because you either get: A) It's your fault because you don't put yourself out there enough or B) "Oh, don't worry, someone will come along". Both answers are right and wrong in varying degrees. No, I don't throw myself at people hoping they're going to be enthralled with me, but that doesn't mean I'm a backwoods recluse who spends every waking moment of his time in a bedroom alone, either. I live and attend a university in a large city and am around men all the time (including gay ones), but I can count on one hand the number of times I've THOUGHT I was being checked out by a guy. I get occasional attention from girls, which is flattering but useless to me.

I'm not someone with a personality that's quite brazen enough to go up to some guy I think is hot and be like "Hey, wanna go out?", but I don't think that necessarily means I should be punished with being alone for the rest of my life either. I don't even know what to do about it anymore really. I'm at the point that I kind of just want to resign myself from the idea completely and bury it, because even having to acknowledge it is both frustrating and painful.

I've told myself that once I finish college and really settle down that I'll find someone, but it's really fucking frustrating in the mean time when you're 23 and know that you're at your sexual peak, and everyone you know and all of your friends are either in relationships or at least have had them, and meanwhile you've never even been hugged or kissed or been told you're loved by anyone besides your fucking mother. It's horrible. I can't relate to romantic experiences unless I refer to things I've imagined inside my head, and it gets depressing, you know? I don't want sympathy in telling all of this, but fucking A. That's just the way it feels. I get what all of these people are saying, that's all.

[trialbyerror]

May I weigh in here?

The OP is asking for advice on being achingly lonely.

He has come to believe that he is inferior in some way because nobody affordes him more than a passing glance.

To this I totally relate.

Some of you know my story, I won't repeat, to make sense of my answer go read my three posts:- a "mutts" tale (include the quotation marks), Two plastic shopping bags and To Bowyn whome I greatly respect.

Somebody who has the knowledge may be kind enough to post links?

Anyhow, to the OP all I can say is, the problem does not sit with you.

It sits with the community of which we are a part. By and large it's fickle, materialistic, shallow and inconsequential.

Hang in there bud, somewhere, somehow, when you least expect it, somebody will breeze into your life.

I was that unlikley someone for another.... Twice.... I know intimatly how they felt... Go read

But,

I now too have disapeared into the mist of gay life, largly of my own doing, and I don't know how to reverse it. I too ache with lonelyness.

And it has nothing whatsoever to do with sex.

My answer?
Oh my beloved, beloved mutt, how I miss you so

Uncle Warren, If I called you dad, do you think my dad would be cross?

[Waylon777]

For me, I just try to go out more and talk to people more. That ought to increase your statistical probability of meeting the right person. Mostly, just get out to as many events as possible and meet people. Also, when my best friend got into a relationship(a great one) she started to get in touch less with me, but I know that she still cares about me and we still keep in touch as much as I can. Maybe your friend kept the distance because they though you needed it. When you are in really hard times, it's just nice to hang onto your friends as much as possible. Even if they don't seem like it, they do care for you, it's just a different way of expressing care.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I havent replied to this. I've been off doing stuff and trying not to dwell in the place I was at when I posted this.

A few things I'd like to point out, if anyone is still interested.

Some people commented that my negativity and lonely outlook turns people off of me. That may be true, but you should know that the peopele I've told that I'm actually horribly depressed have been surprised by the statement. No one thought that I am someone who struggles with these things.

I know the difference between sex and a relationship. I would gladly enter into a relationship for the romance, without sex being on the table, ever. I've never had sex, so never having it at this point is not something that would be a "deal breaker"

Most of my good friends grew distant after i came out. Two became vindictive and hateful, so I dropped them as friends.The last years of those two friendships were hell, and I immediately started moving to a better place emotionally.

My remaining two real friends, i dont see that often. They live kinda far, so hanging out happens less often. I then reconnected with a friend I hadnt talked to in a few years. Everything was just fine, then he and another of my friends, who worked together, turned into bitter enemies. This had nothing to do with the person himself, just his work ethics, and my friend basically commanded me to stop being friends with the guy, just because. I refused, because he had no right to command me to do something like that based on their working relationship. So now that friendship is strained (he didnt understand why dictating who i can be friends with is a huge problem).


southbiochem: "I posted previously agreeing with anonymous on how crappy it feels to be alone constantly. I will grant myself the freedom to speak in mine and his behalf, taking from what he replied to me"

This reply, and what came after was pretty much right on the money.



PS - I didnt expect this thread to actually go anywhere honestly. I've asked for advice on other forums and such, and wasn't really looking for any here. It was more of a rant thing i needed to get off my chest. I really appreciate all the views expressed here, even if they misunderstood what i meant a bit. Thanks everyone who has replied

[Anonymous]

For me, I just try to go out more and talk to people more. That ought to increase your statistical probability of meeting the right person. Mostly, just get out to as many events as possible and meet people. Also, when my best friend got into a relationship(a great one) she started to get in touch less with me, but I know that she still cares about me and we still keep in touch as much as I can. Maybe your friend kept the distance because they though you needed it. When you are in really hard times, it's just nice to hang onto your friends as much as possible. Even if they don't seem like it, they do care for you, it's just a different way of expressing care.

I've wanted to, but I cant seem to find anything worthwhile in my area, usually. There is a Gaymer night at a bar I've discovered recently, but so far they aren't hosting any games I am any good at :/ That would be something i could participate in though.

[princealbertofb]

Anonymous, I have not been able to take in all the information exchanged on this thread since you posted.

The situation you described initially seems awful indeed and very counterproductive to your depression. I don't know if I can totally agree with Bowyn who argues that no amount of friendship or care can cure someone's inner depression.

I suppose others have suggested that you get some medical help, which is something that depression can sometimes call for, especially if it is accute and anxiety-bearing, or suicidal-making.

Just to equate your situation to how I felt some years ago, when my brother had died of AIDS and I was coming to the realisation that not only was I getting a bit old for a relationship, but I was also finding it harder and harder to live on my own, in my own lies and deceit. I got online and started to talk, and in some way that made me better because it helped understand how I felt and why I was feeling that way.
It also eventually helped me to find a partner (we have now been together for ten years) someone who was in a deeper depression and much harder situation than me. I tried to help him morally and support him and helped him see through his situation, just by offering an ear to talk to, a pair of eyes to read his messages, his posts, his texts etc...
I think our relationship has improved my life very much, in terms of self esteem and more importantly in the way I feel cared for and in touch with myself, my feelings and my loneliness.
We live apart as we are in two different countries right now, but we still touch base together as often as we can.
Being used to living alone makes it easier for me, I suspect, to go for periods without his presence by my side, but we also know that when we are together, we feel so much better, so much more supported, just cosier and warmer.

So Bowyn may be right that sometimes after a relationship ends, you sometimes wish you hadn't invested so much time and energy into that relationship, but in the mean time when a relationship is good, when a friendship is good, when a working or artistic partnership is good, it's all benefits.

My two suggestions are to seek medical advice just in case your depression needs the help of some medicine, and to keep striving for that elusive relationship, which, as Joshular said, is harder to come by when we are gay (fewer fish in the sea, so to speak). I hope you will find that pearl that makes your life easier to bear and makes the burden of life a little lighter. It won't be rosy every day, even in a partnership or a relationship, but for me and my partner, our relationship and our times together certainly have become something to look forward to.

Good luck with starting something new.
Take care .

[princealbertofb]

I've wanted to, but I cant seem to find anything worthwhile in my area, usually. There is a Gaymer night at a bar I've discovered recently, but so far they aren't hosting any games I am any good at :/ That would be something i could participate in though.

Consider learning new games then? Just a suggestion. Just so someone can take you under their wing and initiate you into a new gay-me. (pun intended)

[Rosie]

Sorry if this seems disjointed, I have just woken up!

This thread is so depressing! Anonymous I really suggest that you seek treatment to work on your depression, of course there are exceptions (as princealbertofb mentioned above, and in my own relationship actually) but for the most part the vast majority of people suffering from a deep depression are not going to attract romantic partners. My wife has major depressive disorder, she was not in a great place in life when I met her, but she did not sit at home and wallow she got out there and did things and met people. Not just dating prospects either, she made friends with lots of fun, fabulous gay men (as did I) and began to force herself to go out and have fun. At the time it seemed effortless, but I have come to know that when she is in a depression it takes just about everything she has to leave the house, she also has pretty significant social anxiety. So, no it won't be easy but you will be a happier person if you can manage to do it.
Also, try not to put so much emphasis on being single and instead simply try to enjoy your life. Pursuing your interests will undoubtedly lead you to meet new people, maybe they'll turn out to be friends, maybe more but don't focus on having a relationship, focus on making friends and enjoying yourself a lot more than you have been. I'm not going to say "oh you'll meet someone when the time is right" because the reality is that some people just don't. But please, please, please do not waste your precious life being depressed that you're not in a relationship! I honestly cannot relate to placing all of your self-worth in whether someone else desires you romantically. I was single for 10 years, the only people who showed interest in me were straight men, but I was happy. Truly, truly happy. I spent those years harvesting close friendships, I travelled, I did absolutely anything that my heart desired. It kind of breaks my heart that others are not able to feel the same way.

[princealbertofb]

Very insightful of you, Rosie. Thanks. And a positive outlook too, which might help. mile: