How do I find myself?

[holystar24]

I've never acted like myself when my crush was ever around, and many friends asked me why.

I wasn't so sure until my best friend filled me in.

It seems as though I may need to discover who I really am before I start to befriend my crush. I've acted cold (looking straight ahead in the hallways, and I never gave him any attention). There is a part of me that fears the truth, and I'm hesitant to find out what's really going on. At the same time, there is a side of me that is desperate for the truth.

In short, I'm just doubting the fact that he may like me. He could just be feminine which gives off vibes that say, "Hey, I'm not really straight", when in reality, he is as straight as they get. Or, he could be a complete douche bag (stringing me on, and mentioning my 'creepy approaches' to his friends while making fun of me). Or, he could really like me (mutual attraction) and be willing to befriend me, possibly come out to me if he is interested in guys, and get intimate with me. I don't know what he is and that is what is killing me.

Every time I say: A lot happened last year between me and this guy. That means, I'm living in the past. I can't stop looking behind for the chance that I once had. I have to look forward and find myself, before I look for my significant other. I'm not totally giving up on this guy because I'm confident that whenever I can act like myself, he'll come around. Maybe those doubts and questions will be answered when we actually start talking.

But, my question is: How do I find myself? How can I prepare for the worst and how can I prepare for the best? How can I become an opportunist and actually make the effort?

P.S I make false expectations for him when I don't do a single thing to show interest or anything. He's tried, I'll be honest. I know he wanted to talk, and he initiated a conversation. I don't know what he wants, but I really regret acting like I didn't hear him.
Currently, the drama is continuing to deepen and I don't know how to fix it.

Thank you. ~holystar24

[Anonymous]

but you are yourself and always will be, did you you ever loose yourself in the first place ?

[holystar24]

but you are yourself and always will be, did you you ever loose yourself in the first place ?

I change myself a lot, when I'm around different people; I don't act fake, if that's what you think that means.
I act like him since he's different around other people too. I make my voice deeper when I'm around people I meet, and I'm self conscious about those things.
I can be who I want if I'm comfortable with the person.

[Anonymous]

don't act be yourself, you can't make somebody like you by acting differently - thats all fake show him the real you and he'll either like you or not.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Time will either cure you of this mask wearing you do, or kill you - one or the other.

Deepening your voice to be something you are not is not going to end well.

And so what what he thinks and says behind your back? Can you hold a gun to his head 24/7 and force him to behave the way you want him too?

You are going to have to learn how to communicate, and you learn by doing. You need to talk to this fellow in your own voice and ask him what he is doing what he is thinking.

As long as you try to hide and ignore and have other people try to read his mind for you you will continue to be miserable.

[jimcrackcorn]

Holystar, it sounds like you automatically put up your defenses when he's around you. It's a good way to avoid being hurt if the person your crushing on isn't a sure thing (don't know if he's gay, straight, or available). But,,, your freezing him out without really knowing weather this guy is interested in you.

You will have to lower those defenses if you want to know if this guy is boyfriend material.

The next time you see him,,, try to look him in the eyes and smile,, plus - say hello if possible. You may get a cold response at first, but you'll have to undue the damage you've already caused and that may take some time.

Very few of us will ever escape from getting our hearts broken during this life time. It's the chance we take when we allow someone into our lives. Never miss an opportunity to love or be loved - unless your already in a relationship with someone (smile)....

Good luck,
Jim