Dealing with someone who you believe has borderline personality disorder?

[starbelly]

I'm good friends with someone who, after being close to them (on and off) for the past 7 years, am convinced has borderline personality disorder. Risky sex, jumping from man to man, cheating, pathological lying, manic episodes, horrible self-esteem issues, extreme preoccupation with herself and what she "deserves" from everyone around her, and a general lack of concern for anyone's plights or perceived "negativities" that burst her hollowly "positive" life. It's all there. She had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder once before, but I honestly believe she has BPD, and I want to bring it up to her but don't know if it's a good idea or if it is, how to go about it.

She and I have had a tumultuous friendship that's at times been very close and wonderful, but there have been other times where she has driven me mad and been so sadistic to the point that we didn't speak for over six months.

Recently I've gotten to what I think is my ultimate breaking point with her, which was incidentally brought on by a small argument, but it was just enough to piss me off and give me that last little shove over the edge. What it has boiled down to in the last couple of years is that she has a disgusting preoccupation with herself, and if you don't feed her ego and laud her for her minuscule 'accomplishments' or her 'healthy' relationships with her alternating lineup of boyfriends, then you don't give two shits about her at all and are a worthless friend to her. She's very manipulative in the sense that she can invert any situation and paint everyone around her as "toxic" and "wrong" if they even question, challenge, or express the slightest disinterest with her, and because of this she does not keep close friends for much longer than 6 months. I am the only friend who has stuck with her through all of her insanity after all this time, and I've watched countless people go in and out of her life like cattle (many of them being people who she esteemed as being "incredible" and then, after she's found out by them, "negative" or "insane").

What's especially sickening about all of it is the fact that she doesn't seem to have any overt concern for other people's issues, and doesn't want to hear about anybody's problems or how their own lives are going, yet she DEMANDS consistent inquiry about how HER life is going. I've had (and still have) major health problems that she refuses to discuss with me, or gets mad if I bring up because she deems the mere topic "negative", and she confessed to me that she believed she had a potentially serious illness herself and has refused to get treatment for it (and then got angry with me when I urged her to see a doctor).

I'm just done with it to be honest, but I'd like to let her know she most likely has a problem and needs to get help for herself if she ever wants to maintain any sort of relationship with anybody for the rest of her life. I get that she's mentally ill, but I've had enough of her rabid head games and insecurity-driven obsession with herself. How can I address to her that she has a serious problem before saying bon voyage? Part of me wants to be mean about it just because of how she's treated me and several other people, but I believe she's truly mentally unstable and has just figured out temporary ways to mask her own neuroses, so I don't think being nasty about it is morally right. I've just had e-fucking-nough, and I want to lay it out explicitly as to why I've had enough, and try to force her to look at all of the people who have walked out of her life because she has driven them away. Most of all, I want her to REALIZE the severity of the actions she's taken, and just how twisted many of them truly are.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Are you a doctor? If not then perhaps you should leave diagnosis to the professionals.

While I have way too much patience for a lot of crap people have going on, when I do reach the 'last straw' stage I end it.

If you are at the last straw stage you do not need to list her issues for her and then leave - just leave.

[Rosie]

BPD does not include manic episodes, that is only bipolar disorder. Everything else that you're describing could very well be borderline personality disorder. The problem with bringing that to your friend's attention is that there really is no good treatment for BPD, and many times not giving the person attention when they are acting out is the best idea. This goes to the extent that many psychologists will not pink slip people with BPD when they self-injure, threaten to hurt themselves, or request to be admitted. So I am not sure how much you could do as a friend. BTW I have a family member with BPD and I have realized that the only way to have any sort of relationship with her is to entirely cut her off when she is attention seeking/inconsiderate of others/acting out -- the only time that I have anything to do with her is when she is in a normal state of mind.

[starbelly]

BPD does not include manic episodes, that is only bipolar disorder. Everything else that you're describing could very well be borderline personality disorder. The problem with bringing that to your friend's attention is that there really is no good treatment for BPD, and many times not giving the person attention when they are acting out is the best idea. This goes to the extent that many psychologists will not pink slip people with BPD when they self-injure, threaten to hurt themselves, or request to be admitted. So I am not sure how much you could do as a friend. BTW I have a family member with BPD and I have realized that the only way to have any sort of relationship with her is to entirely cut her off when she is attention seeking/inconsiderate of others/acting out -- the only time that I have anything to do with her is when she is in a normal state of mind.

Thanks, that's helpful. I'm kind of doing exactly that right now— ignoring her completely. I just can't deal with her when she's in her states of self-obsession and lashing out like that, it's unhealthy to even open myself up to it and she's at times emotionally abusive to everyone around her— it's always everyone "ganging up" on her and not recognizing her "accomplishments" or the current greatness of her life. If you don't give her the sufficient attention she demands (which seems to be in immeasurable amount), you are the most careless and cruel person alive, and yet she expresses minimal to zero concern over anyone else's livelihood unless it's directly affecting HER. I'd liken her to a vacuum for attention that can never be sated.

It's unfortunate to hear that people with BPD can't really be treated for it; I have little doubt in my mind that she suffers from it. No, I'm not a psychologist, but all of her symptoms point to exactly that, and they've been persistent for as long as I've known her. Either way, she is inarguably not 'well', and her family and the countless people who she's either pushed away and/or blacklisted know it. I suppose there may be nothing that can really be done to help her. It's frustrating though as an onlooker and friend to not be able to communicate her own irrationality and self-obsession to her.

I suppose what angers me most is that she doesn't take note of the way that SHE treats people, only the way THEY treat her. So, for example, if she's in one of her terribly nasty moods where she doesn't feel she's being praised or appreciated enough, she'll verbally lash out and threaten that she's "done with you" and systematically point out all of YOUR shortcomings and negative attributes and go on and on about how "toxic" and "awful" you are, and then the MOMENT you defend yourself and try to counter her, she acts as if she's the one who is completely under attack in the situation and takes on the role of the abused victim. It's as if she isn't even aware of all the of the things she says and does that precipitate the other person's defense of themselves, or, god forbid, even minor criticism of her. It basically boils down to her being able to dish it out all day long and yet not handle a spoonful of it herself.

Drives me absolutely mad. It's not just me she does this to either, it's virtually everyone around her. It's especially insulting to be told how unappreciative I am of her in light of the fact that I basically saved her from a suicide attempt a few months ago. But, you know, on the turn of a dime, I am the most uncaring person on the planet.