Advice for 12 year old son

[Adviceforson]

My son, who is normally a straight A student, athletic, happy go lucky and cerebral has been going through a very rough time with his grades dropping, his sports suffering and major mood swings/ anger. Last year as we were driving home from shopping he blurted out that he was worried he was gay. My husband and I remained low key and supportive and basically said it's not something he needs to figure out at this time, but either way we love him and he will have a wonderful life (that's the nutshell version!) His behaviour continued to decline, school performance, etc and he brought it up again, and again we showed our love and support and told him don't worry about it, don't try to decide right now, whoever he is attracted to and whoever he chooses as a partner will be just fine and won't change all the other exciting things he has in his future to look forward to (he wants to be a marine biologist or a chef- he's a great kid!)

Anyway, he's very broken up, full of anxiety maybe even some depression and lots of anger directed at his family. He has a friend that I think is the person he worries about 'liking' and gets very hurt when that friend gives him the cold shoulder. Kids in school still make derogatory remarks that I know hit home for him.

I guess what I'm asking, is- are we handling this the right way and does anyone have any input on how we can handle this better? Is it possible that he would know at this young age that he is gay? And, at the risk of sounding naive, does it matter that he has no stereotypical gay qualities (you wouldn't think he was gay after spending time with him)? Is it possible he's going through a confused stage (that has lasted over a year... I know)

Thank you! We just want him to be happy :-(

[LONDONER]

Just doing as you are doing, I think you are not only doing the right thing but you are doing it fantastically. I'm sorry that I cannot offer any more positive advice but I just wish I had had parents like you. I think that the only thing that you can do is to support him all the way. Keep looking here because I am sure that there are readers here who can give you much better advice than I. I'm so sorry that your son is going through this bad patch but with you support he wil I am sure, move forward to a happy life.

[Geminize]

I guess what I'm asking, is- are we handling this the right way and does anyone have any input on how we can handle this better? Is it possible that he would know at this young age that he is gay? And, at the risk of sounding naive, does it matter that he has no stereotypical gay qualities (you wouldn't think he was gay after spending time with him)? Is it possible he's going through a confused stage (that has lasted over a year... I know)

I agree with Londoner, you're doing a great job as parents. The only thing I would add would be to look into counseling. If you are willing, and you think your son may be willing, try to find a counselor experienced with youth and LGBT friendly. Sometimes at that age it's easier to talk with someone else about what's bothering you than with your own parents, even if you have a great relationship.

He is at least discovering and questioning his own sexuality, maybe a little early but not unusual. And, no, it does not matter in the slightest that he has no stereotypical gay qualities.

Depression is definitely a possibility, and should not be taken lightly. I was a similar kid in high school. My parents sent me to a counselor who really didn't help, but just the act of going helped me shake out of it somewhat. Don't pressure him. Spend as much time together as you can. Kids are more likely to open up when you are doing something other than focusing on what's bothering them.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[matty7]

you sound great parents and you have said all the right things I believe to your son - you've been supportive, and offered encouragement, also saying he doesn't have to choose yet is a great way to take pressure off him - as for knowing at 12 then I can say for one can say that I knew I was gay by then.....but also at 12 he's at puberty age and as you probably know your body is flooded with hormones and can be a very confusing time so nothing is set in stone but for him to tell you he thinks he's gay then its something he's been wrestling with for a while now -

as for gay qualities then that's a little bit of a TV myth - or stereotype label - ive not met anyone from even been young that knew I was gay - a man called Gareth Thomas played rugby for Wales and was hard as nails then came out as gay - nobody had a clue and he was rugby legend, don't worry about that side of things cos he's fine

[sillyboy86]

Honestly, I'm not in the position of saying something about being 'a good parent', but like Londoner I think you're doing a good job.
I assume he's at the beginning of puberty or at least he's a teenager, so probably he has a lot of doubts about everything, not only the sexuality. Maybe he's gay, maybe not but it's not the problem.
And is also normal being angry with the world of adults, in particular the parents.
Try to help him asking question only sometimes, maintaining the calm and without being obsessive, cause you're the adult, he's only a kid.
You used the word 'Depression', you were depressed as him (or what he's showing) when you're a teen? If you're worried about, you can ask for a professional help.

[Woollyhats]

You're handling it very well. I never had a parent support me in the way you are supporting your son! I've been able to wrench my life in a good direction -- but I've never felt backed up by my parents, and for a very long time that really hurt me.


I'm going to be as helpful as possible... When I was at your Son's age I was very much in love with my best friend. I had no one to talk about this, so I was able to be manipulated by this person, until I was able to work through my feelings and reach a healthy decision (getting over it) on my own. You can let your son know that it's normal to like his friend (s), and that sometimes it doesn't work and that's okay. He might talk to you, or figure everything out on his own - but knowing his mom is there to support him will empower him.

Unfortunately, he's at an age where he probably relates gay to bad. It might not matter what you say, he might not want to call himself gay right now. maybe he likes both genders. You don't know right now, and he might not know yet either... You can still make him feel accepted. Let him know that you'll love him and his partner whether he marries a girl or a boy. An example of how you might say this is "I want you to fall in love with whoever makes you happy, whoever he or she is ". That way he won't feel pressured to be gay or straight, because you're happy either way. I'm sure that knowing he has that support at home will make him happy.

Because let's be honest --- if he gets bullied at school or feels put down --- he needs his home to be a safe haven where he feels loved and accepted.

Lastly, I doubt he's confused in that he does know he's attached to males. Around his age he'll probably be going through physical changes and has feelings and a physical response to thoughts of men. There is a possibility he might like both genders, but even if that's the case, telling him to push a part of him away could make him feel like a part of him is wrong and evil, and that you don't love him for that. Because someone who likes both genders will always like both genders -- so be careful of thinking he is confused.

In addition, it's normal not to have "stereotypical gay behaviors". At his age, I didn't have them myself, and through my years as a teenager I understood that it was not desirable for me to be gay, so I suppressed anything that was a stereotype. I do have some mannerisms that highlight that I am different now... for example, the manner in which I am typing is actually similar to how I talk, and some people identify me as gay based on my speaking pattern. Conversely, I don't have a high pitched voice, 'limp wrist' (I actually think that's probably rare as I've personally only ever met one gay person with a limp wrist... who hilariously happens to be a cousin of mine), I don't dress in ridiculous clothing, and I've never walked to school wearing leather and feathers. Your son probably won't either... but as he grows, if he is gay, you'll see that he will probably have some behaviour that is "different". I honestly believe that some of that is 1) Natural, AND 2) some of it is an identifier --- we reach a point where we want people to realize we're gay, and we can tell them in subtle ways through our behavior. It's completely normal.


Also, this is the part where I say nice things. You might think your response hasn't been perfect or you're worried you're doing something wrong -- but you handled your son's confession to you wonderfully -- and honestly, I think you're an all star parent for it. Despite this, if he continues to be down on himself, finding a family counselor may help you further. I hope that as your soon grows up that you stay close and that you stay proud of him .

[LONDONER]

Let him know that you'll love him and his partner whether he marries a girl or a boy. An example of how you might say this is "I want you to fall in love with whoever makes you happy, whoever he or she is ".

You're getting some good advice here. The only thing I would alter in Kumawool's post is to make that statement non-gender specific. "whoever you marry" is what I would say. But he's far too young to even think of marriage yet so just keep supporting him as you are.

[dfiant1]

G Day,

You are right to be worried, there is something serious going on there, I can't tell you what it is, but after reading the first paragraph of your post the first thing that popped into my mind was 'abuse'.

I am so sorry for putting that thought in to your mind, but I think it is something that needs to be investigated further. Bullying can be attributed to a decline in a child's grades and their confidence, but it sounds like your son's case is a little more dramatic.

Your son sounds like he is very very confused about something...something has happened to him to make him question his sexuality and he is very very angry that he has been PUT in that position...and by that I mean maybe he has had an unwanted sexual encounter be it another aggressive child, and older child or dare I say it and adult.

I think perhaps you and your husband (Without your son) could see a counsellor and discuss your son's problems. The problem is so so delicate from the sounds of it and needs to be dealt with right now and you as parents need to be given further tools to identify the issues and deal with them.

I am so sorry, I don't mean to scare anyone and I really honestly hope that I am way off, but like I said, it was the first thing that popped into my mind when I was reading the first paragraph.

I wish you all the very best and I hope your young fella works everything out, he has agreat chance of doing that because he has the support of the most important person in any boys life...his MUM

Please keep us posted.

[MisterTinkles]

Seems he is just going through his phases about how to figure out who he is and what he expects out of life. All teens go through this at one point or another. A lot of teens have a rougher time than others when discovering themselves. Some may live in denial for a long time, while others may adjust to the facts and move on.

Just keep giving him room to figure things out. Just make sure he doesnt fall too far off the scale one way or the other, as he can get lost easily that way.....mentally and emotionally.

You might see if he would be willing to talk to a family counselor of some kind. Teens like to keep things "bottled up", but if he can talk about whats going on with himself to someone, that can help a lot.

Sometimes just "letting it out" will help keep one from going nuts.

[Evan]

First of all, yes, you're handling this the right way and I don't see anything you could've done better. Your son is very lucky to have you as his parents -- lots of guys could only hope for parents such as yourself. You've told him you'll support and love him no matter what, and that's really the most important thing.

Yes, kids around that age can be mean, but he knows he has you to go to, and I'm sure he'll be fine. Part of the bad grades/aggressive behavior may be because of his feelings, but as he continues to accept himself -- knowing you will as well --, he'll come around. Also remember that even for "normal straight" guys, this is around the time that puberty hits, and lots of kids will show a change in behavior and have bad mood swings (especially at home).
He's starting puberty, he's experiencing feelings that are probably confusing and opsetting.. it's only to be expected he's gonna be anxious. But I really think the fact that he's told you about his feelings is a good sign.
Just keep letting him know that you'll love him no matter what whenever he brings it up!

The question if he can already know at this age: I, personally, did not have a clue when I was 12 (actually it took me waayyy more years), but I've heard of guys that came out around that age before, so it's definitely possible that he already knows or at least suspects. He came out to you (twice), which likely is something he's spent a lot of time thinking and contemplating about. Coming out is a hard thing to do, especially around that age, and the fact that he took that step tells you he's put a lot of thought into it.

* Edit. Oh, also.. no, the fact that he doesn't show any stereotypical signs says absolutely nothing. I'm athletic (love any kind of sports), was captain of the football team in high school, have always liked all the typical boys' things, have almost exclusively male friends... yet I am definitely gay. There are lots of gay guys who don't fit the stereotype -- they just don't stand out that much.

Hope any of that helped at all.

Good luck, and keep us updated!

Evan