Advice for 12 year old son

[dfiant1]

Just to add, I came out for the first time when I was 12, so no, 12 is definately not too young, and from what I have heard from other people who are gay, most knew by the time they started puberty at the very least...a lot ignored, repressed or didn't recognise their sexuality, but most already had some clue by 12.

[Lilitu]

Just from my own experience when I was about 12, I have a feeling that maybe telling him not to worry about it isn't quite the right thing to say.

I actually think you could talk to him about the person who you think he likes and actually get him to realise whether or not her is gay at that age.

I think Children actually have a suprisingly deep knowledge of themselves, especially when theyre in their early teens. I myself actually pretty much knew that I was gay from about age 8 or so, but when I was about 12, I would probably have appreciated someone helping me to fully understand instead of just telling me not to worry about it, because to a 12 year old that doesn't make them feel better, it just makes them suppress their emotions.

So to summarise: get him to talk to you or someone else about his feelings, and yes it's very possible and at that age where teenagers start to get crushes on people and all that jazz it is actually a very good time to start thinking about sexual orientation (it would be much nicer if puberty talks at school would have addressed this in more detail when I was at intermediate.)

Good job on recognising there's a problem and reaching out for help!! You're a very good parent for doing that.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

There is only so much that at home support can do.

Understand our society is still very geared at making it clear that to be gay is wrong/bad.

For instance the slang use of gay to denote a negative:

'That car is so gay.'

Like it or not the message sent is that the car is bad because it is gay and that gay is a bad thing for a car to be, thus a bad thing for a person to be.

As for getting the cold shoulder - well its called rejection and there is no easy way to work through that experience. How he handles rejection and how he allow it to form his many choices ahead in life is an unknown. You might be able to help with that by telling him that there are many frogs a person has to before getting a prince/princess.

As for what age you know? Varies from person to person, varies on their life experiences and their understanding of what gay/straight/bi/etc means.

Could he be - sure - is he? That is ultimately up to him to decide for himself.

His misery with the family is not understandable, and you need to tell him that being miserable at family who loves him, accepts him no matter is not the right way to go.

I suspect he is in dread of being picked on, he might also have a very bad idea of what 'gay' means - he may think that to be gay means he has to be a sissy, a poofter, a Nelly queen.

Since he likes sports perhaps its time to introduce him to the wide world of LGBT sports players: https://www.google.com/#psj=1&q=gay+sports+figures Perhaps if he has a 'hero' he can admire and who sets an example - positive example, that to be gay doesn't mean you have to live by stereotypes perhaps his ease with his own potential LGBT self.

Gay Actors: https://www.google.com/#psj=1&q=gay+actors

Perhaps knowing that the New Mr. Spock is gay and doesn't ACT gay may be a boost to his confidence about his masculinity and that he can play sports, and be a 'dude' and still be gay.

Lastly, kids are cruel. They will pick on him for some reason, any reason. It is what kids do. He has to experience it, live through it and learn his own coping skills.

[James]

Remember, that which makes up who we are is 99% the same as everyone else, wants, dreams, etc, the gay thing is only 1% of the total makeup just as hetrosex is about 1% of their makeup. The depression bother's me, need to find the root cause, as that can lead to stuff down the road he doesn't need to be envolved in. Maybe showing him all of us have skills we learned and honed while young will help bring him around.
Please to keep us posted as we all wish this youngman the best, Jim

[Kenny221]

Oh gosh, I wish my parents had said the same thing. You guys are handeling this very well. However, this is a problem your son has to go through on his own....after all, no one can tell him his own sexuality but him. Perhaps some counseling would help him out but try to let him go at his own pace as long as he's not hurting him self.

[LONDONER]

The age at which one becomes aware of one's sexuality changes. I knew I liked men when I was 8 and that was a long time ago, but I had no idea of the concept of homosexuality. These days children are bombarded with sexual images through advertising and magazines, pop videos etc., so it's no wonder that it can be confusing for young people today.

[nfisher1226]

I don't know your circle of friends, but something very helpful might be some real world experience meeting actual role models who are gay.

[southbiochem]

Why can't there be more parents like you?

Anyway, so far you're doing a good job..

going into teen years is hell for some people (it was for me) and even when I was completely (and suddenly) sure I was gay by 13, there was still other issues, bullying and such that didn't have anything to do with it..

so there maybe more problems or situations regarding your son..

the key is to let him know you guys are going to be there and support him no matter what, but without excessive meddling...

why do I mean by this: a child likes to hear his parents won't hold anything against them regarding things like sexual orientation. But, what gets tiring very quickly is constant questioning "how are you?, "did something happen?" "how was school?"...those perfectly loving questions will be perceived as invasive by most regular teens when they start popping out on a regular basis, which I know, it's not logical, but teen years are like that..

you need to say "I'm open for conversation, I'm here to listen" but let him always start or adress the subject..if he fells comfortable enough he will talk to you without sensing his privacy is being invaded, and trust me for teens that's very important

At the same time, you have to get used to not knowing everything that goes on, cause most likely than not he WILL keep things from you..it's a bit difficult for a teen to pour all of what happens out in the open, and speaking from experience, I always prefered witholding certain things from mom and dad..like the the degree of bullying I went throught, not like they didn't know, but they didn't know how bad it was..

I survived it and I always knew they were there for me, but it was more comfortable for me to not adress that situation with them.

Your son regardless if he's gay or not, can go through rough patches trying to find his identity and establishing himself as a more independent person, which teen years are all about..however, it's always helpful to know that your folks got your back, even when you decide to do things on your own..

Hang in there, keep up the good work, and I believe he can do fine, cause you seem to have open ways of communication to him, so that's always good mile:

[Adviceforson]

Wow- thank you all so much! I was checking yesterday for responses, not realizing they didn't come through to email.
This really means a lot, a lot to digest. I think counselling is probably a great idea, and I do appreciate the comments that there are not a lot of role models in the media showing different kinds of people that are gay. It is usually a stereotype, and not one that he can relate too. I'm sure he thinks, "Well, that's not me, so what am I?" Thank you for the links Bowyn Aerrow! And yes to James on the 1% of our life is our sexuality- this is a much better way of expressing what I tried to tell him!
I really appreciate the perspective that he is young and hormones all over the map, many of you didn't know until you were older, some younger- all of this is very helpful (I grew up in a very religious home, so I'm learning as I go!)
I'm not convinced either way, and neither is he, but it helps to know that there is so much support out there if and when he needs it! Thanks so much to all of you! I teared up reading your replies :-)

[Adviceforson]

And, yes, we probably do probe (not about sexuality, but about 'his day', etc) too much! We mean well, but you're right- it probably seems very intrusive. More great advice- thank you southbiochem :-)